by: Dr. Boogie
The saga continues as we open another wing in our gallery of Eerie magazine covers. If you missed Part 1 of our coverage, click here to read it first. Come and see just what kind of "terror and suspense" is getting thrust in your face from our digital magazine stand:
Exterminator One could not have predicted that the cybertables would turn on him like this. Oh, if only they had perfected the indestructible robot technology in time for the first run of the Exterminator models! On the bright side, now he has a companion he can swap extermination stories with. Someone with his own thoughts on the best standards and practices when it comes to extermination. Someone who can right him after he accidentally flips his tank body while rolling over tricky terrain. You see that, lonely people? Even killer cyborgs on the run from other killer cyborgs can form lasting relationships. What's your excuse?
The Spook, a giant zombie, is a man who knows how to get things done. Not with a sword and shield, not with a pistol, and certainly not with subtlety. When it comes to preventing a war, he knows there's only one thing you can do: hop on your gatling gun and roll into town blasting everyone you come across. He's practicing ballistic diplomacy and he only speaks one, very loud word. Fuck you, Alfred Nobel!
"Hey, Hunter's back!" Wrong, dummy. This is Hunter II. Admittedly, I don't know anything about what separates him from the original because I haven't read any of these stories, but near as I can tell, Hunter II is Hunter's younger brother who went off to find his own fortune in a line of work that didn't involve killing demons. Goblins, on the other hand? That's another story. Hunter II is way more laid back, as evinced by his fantasy business casual attire and Contra-style eagle on his helmet in place of "USAF". He's sort of a hipper, younger Hunter that the kids will relate to better than stuffy old Hunter I. Did I mention he also has a robot friend, and that robot is the very same tank-treaded robot from issue 64? Just give this guy a skateboard and a backwards baseball cap, and he'll be the ultimate draw for males age 8-18!
Now I can't even get excited about regular old Hunter. He sees how his younger brother is stealing his thunder and just doesn't know what to do with himself. He tries to update his look by wearing a bracelet and putting a racing strip down his suit, but it just seems desperate. In this issue, he's saving a dying world... just like Hunter II did in the last issue! Look, Hunter, we had some good times, but you're just not "with it" anymore. Kids these days, they want a guy they're not embarrassed to like. People just don't get you anymore. I didn't want to say anything earlier, but those antennae were a big mistake, and they really hurt you when you decided to roll them out. That's not hip! That's not sexy! That's not what's blowing up right now! I'm sorry Hunter, but you're fired. Pack your things in that ridiculous helmet and get out.
"Damnit, those assholes at Cartier assured me this was a goblin-free clock! Now I've got to call an exorcist to come by and banish him back to the land of magic and dreams. I hope they get here quick. I've got two tickets to see Pooter and the Magician."
Hunter II's brief hiatus comes to an end in this issue. He and his mechanical anteater are back fighting trolls and goblins and such, only this time, it's not to save a dying world. Can you even take him seriously when the stakes are so low? Oh well. As long as every issue that features Hunter II can command the princely sum of $1.25, we'll continue to see his bulky helmet and beefy flank. Fuckin' trolls!
Uh oh. An issue featuring Hunter II, but for only a buck? Don't they realize they've cheapened the Hunter II brand? Well, Hunter II has had enough of this nonsense. Here we see him throwing down his sword in disgust. And look at that loaded preview. A sorcerer, a mutant, mountains of doom, a deadly goblin, and all of this takes place on earth. You can have one, Eerie: the mutant sorcerer, or the World's Deadliest Goblin. And it better not be that clock goblin from Issue 71!
Demon Number Two slowly reached down to pick up the sombrero, but he stopped just short. He wondered to himself, can I wear this hat? Would it be racially insensitive? I really think I would look good in it, and Cinco de Mayo is right around the corner. Number One said I should just forget about hats, but what does he know? He's got those straight-up horns that stop him from wearing anything more demanding than a fez. I'll ask Jedediah. Is he a good source for fashion advice? I mean, his chapeau looks grand, but that beard makes him look like Steampunk Dusty Hill.
It was an argument Number Two had turned over many times, and here he was, no closer to an answer. He shivered as a cold breeze swept over his bald head.
Invasion of the whitespace, from the looks of it. I get the feeling this one went to press a bit too early. It looks like they just had a couple placeholders until "the world's greatest artists and writers" finished what they were working on. It's even more of a tease than usual. I expect to be confused by whatever's in the center of the cover, but usually the top line is a little more detailed about whose glamorous adventures I'll be plowing through. Who's in this issue? Peter Hypos? Exterminator? Coffin? The Giant Prune!? I guess not. I guess it's an entire issue devoted to Nazor, the Living Booger.
For a few months, Eerie got distracted by the idea of sports-themed stories. Here, a football player dies and comes back to life to continue to play football! You see that, NCAA? Your players are so broke they have to continue playing after death just to make ends meet! Hell, this guy's playing with a swollen skull, but the coach just told him to walk it off. And I can't be sure, but I think I see an arm covered in bandages behind him. You runnin' a mummy on this team?
Man, Muggsy Bogues is looking rough.
Looks like an illegal block to me. That's two free throws for the Monsters. Get your head in the game, number three! This is the sports battle of the universe. You're making rookie mistakes because you're getting bogged down with philosophical questions like, "Is this basketball?" You give me ten laps around the court, and you better be done by page 26.
I'm beginning to think Eerie legitimately doesn't know the answers to these questions. Does this look like hockey, Eerie? Because it looks to me like the logical conclusion when every other cover features half-naked women in various states of bondage. Not even the men are immune to it now. At this rate, it's only a matter of time until we see Hunter II getting spanked by his mortal enemy: the ribald goblin.
Mac Tavish has dedicated his life to smashing robots. Over time, the robots have gotten bigger arms and stronger legs, but there's one thing they've never fixed: their weak crotch plates. Strap on your steel toed loafers and get ready to roshambo your way across the galaxy with Mac Tavish: groin wrecker numero uno!
(and his apeman sidekick, Professor Koko)
Eerie really struck paydirt when they happened upon the idea of combining two of everyone's greatest fears: getting shot by a cop, and having that cop also have a bare skull on his shoulders. Brian "Skully" Skullsworth was just your typical college quarterback who rose from the dead and continued on to win a Heisman, when a torn ACL changed everything. Now, he's a frustrated police officer who takes out his impotent rage on the people he swore to protect. The captain of the 796 sure doesn't care for his methods, but he too died and came back to life to pursue a career, and he feels like he owes it to Skully to steer him back to the side of justice. Starring Michael Chiklis...'s skull.
That July, humanity received a grim reminder... that the price of an issue is up to a buck fifty. Beware the pug-nosed mutant giant! No one is safe from his giant grubby mitts! Unless you've got a firm grip on his steering handles. Then, you're just a hard right away from safety. Thank goodness he can't pat his head and rub his stomach at the same time.
Professor Koko has finally had enough of your shit, Tavish. He's tired of playing second banana, and he's especially tired of you using that "second banana" pun! Apemen aren't the only ones who like bananas. They're a great source of potassium. DON'T pick up this magazine!
Unless you want to read about a smug douche in khakis getting his ass beat by a learned apeman in a fabulous cape.
Speaking of fabulous apemen, meet Spider Andromeda. He's a turn-of-the-century (the 51st century) buccaneer who is fighting... to save a dying world! He's a peerless pilot and a snappy dresser. When trouble abounds, he flies over and gives 'em his patented finisher: The Hyper Wedgie! Evil will spend the rest of the afternoon pulling its diabolical underthings out of its crack... of doom!!
The advertising on this issue kind of undercuts the action. You can expect to find death, destruction, and sacrificial virgins, but not until page 45. Prior, you'll find only tedium, sameness, and a distinct lack of sacrificial virgins, slave girls, valkyries in chainmail bikinis, sexy nurses, and other generic women getting their clothes torn off. Normally I'd have to go no farther than the cover to see that sort of thing. It's almost like they don't want me to be ashamed to have company see this magazine on my coffee table. If so, kudos on the new cover. There's no better conversation starter than a picture of a giant bearded face with tentacles and a big arm from nowhere.
Poor Mr. The Spook. What happened to you, buddy? Last I saw, you were riding a gatling gun and feeling like you were on top of the world. Now, you're just looking around a swamp, wondering where you are and how you got there. I know you rose from the dead to stop an army of zombie horrors, but where's that army now, Spook? They're gone, aren't they? Now, the only zombie horror left is you (and one or two other characters in the Eerie stables). Ah, don't worry about it. I'm just yanking your chain!
"Oh, I don't know anything about putting out brushfires on asteroids. But I did stay at a Galactic Inn last night!"
Zanthor raised his arms and unleashed a wail of despair. He had warned the captain of the Exxon Valdez X2 that the asteroid 5841 Alaska was too close to the ship, but he wouldn't listen! Now, he must rally a team of scientists and eager college students with power washers... to save a dying world!
This issue features the story "I Wouldn't Want to Live There", about a space pilot and his redneck alien... wait a minute. Haven't I seen this one before?
Yeah, back in issue 26, the cover was the same one with that same alien codger shaking his fist at a cloud off to the side. You expect me to believe that snaggletooth'ed alien is cooking up space meth AND summoning the powers of darkness? I told you before, Eerie: you can have one crazy thing going on. Quit trying to weigh me down with this crap!
I don't know why they switched over to a straight superhero comic book for this issue, but I admire their gusto. It takes some serious stones to declare a new age of comic books, and to have that new age named after your own publisher, rather than a precious metal. I am curious to see the adventures of the Fighting Armenian. We haven't seen much of him since his epic battle with his mortal enemy, Mustafa Kill-mal Cyberturk.
"Aauuugh, jesus christ, what the hell is that!?"
"THAT! It's like a giant six-legged oily space puma!"
"I don't know, it's not that big."
"Not that big!? It's bigger than our entire ship!!!"
"Nah, that's just the perspective. He's actually quite small."
"Seriously, look at that giant barcode over there. That seems really huge too, right?"
"I guess. You always know just what to say to calm me down."
"Yeah I do. Now go to sleep. We're both tired and we've got a lot of work tomorrow... to save a dying world!"
Sadly, this would be the final issue of Eerie. No more half-nude cover models, no more Cousin Eerie, no more dying worlds to be saved. If you wanted to read more stories like these, you'd have to go to your local library like a plebeian. Well, at least it ended before it could reach $3 an issue.
So what are some of YOUR favorite horror magazine covers? Share them in the comments section below!
HALLOWEEN CLUB PACKS HAVE ARRIVED! In case you didn't see the notice on the I-Mockery homepage or on our Facebook & Twitter accounts, our 2014 Halloween Club Packs have arrived and they've been selling incredibly fast. If you enjoy what you see here on the site, make sure you pick one up before they're gone forever! Click here for details.
Have any questions or comments about this piece?
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE READER COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:
Follow us on:
Want Your Ad Here?
Send us an email!