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Food Fighters!

One thing I've always suspected, is that most toy makers have a sadistic side to them. Of course, with many of the toys out there being based on fighting and killing, it's obvious that toy makers are into that kind of stuff. But what I think makes them truly sadistic is how they want to get kids in trouble.

How do they do this? Do these evil toy makers go out into the streets and steal some helpless old lady's purse, beat her to death with a salami, and then leave incriminating evidence that would place the blame on the innocent children of the world? No. They do something much worse.

They make toys that are GUARANTEED to get kids in trouble at one point or another. Mattel might very well be the epitome of evil toy makers. For they are the ones who not only created the twisted "Monster Lab" kit, but also created the FOOD FIGHTERS line of toys!

Many of you probably don't even remember the Food Fighters. Well, they were a short-lived toy line... gee, I wonder why. I can just see them cackling in Mattel's creative department:

"So, what new toys should we invent now?"

"Well, I was thinking about making a series based on food fights! We'll take everyday food products, give them faces and weapons and the kids will love it. And then they'll get in real-life food fights and they'll get in deep shit! muahahaha!"

"Excellent..." (in an evil Mr. Burns tone of voice)

Seriously though, you KNOW that they had to be able to comprehend that many children out there would cause quite a commotion with these toys. But before we get into exactly what kind of damage these toys surely caused, let's take a look at some of 'em.


TACO TERROR

Taco Terror, born in "Tortilla Flats, Tennessee", is probably my favorite of all of the characters. Not just because I really like Mexican food, but because I think it's funny that this guy would die immediately. Think about it. If you held a taco straight up light that, all of its contents would spill out onto the floor immediately. So it's no wonder that this guy looks so pissed off... he knows that his life is gonna be a short one. Well, either that, or he's mad at the writer who came up with his ID card on the back of the package. It lists his major weakness as: "He's a total bean brain". Well, I guess we found out who Bob Saget was writing for before he got that starring role on "Full House".
(note: the ID cards were a total G.I. Joe file card rip-off)


BURGERDIER GENERAL

The leader of the "Kitchen Commandos" (the good guys), Burgerdier General easily has the best nickname out of all the characters... "Hambo"! Come on, you know it doesn't get any better than that for a hamburger. He was a burger that stood tall and proud and according to his ID card, he always "Meats" any challenge.


MEAN WEENER

I think I feel sorry for Mean Weener the most. even though he comes with a gun, I don't think this poor bastard had much of a chance. He looks completely distracted by the hotdog in his mouth (er... bun) and don't think he has very much maneuverability as a result. As if that's not enough, you know the other foods always made fun of him for having "Weener" in his name. And why they spelled his name "weener" instead of "wiener" is still a mystery to me too.


MAJOR MUNCH

So why are there two different versions of, the pissed off glazed donut, Major Munch? Is one an evil twin? No. Mattel just wanted the kids to buy more figures. How would they do this? They would simply change a few colors on some of them and release them as "VERSION 2". Oooo! Now when you're a kid and you see two donut figures, one with chocolate icing and the other with strawberry, it's impossible to decide which one is "cooler". Mattel knew this, and boy did they cash in on it with this series, eh?


FAT FRENCHY

I assume that they called this guy "Fat" was not because of a weight problem, but because they were trying to use hip works that youngsters could relate to. Maybe they released a "VERSION 2" that had his name spelled as "Phat" instead of "fat".


SHORT STACK

Just like Taco Terror, this guy was a goner from the beginning too. Short Stack was an angry pile o' pancakes. One problem though... he had a bunch of syrup on his head. As you can see in the picture, the syrup is already running down his face. I'm sure it wouldn't take long for him to be blinded by his own syrup, and then the other foods could destroy him. And yes, kids, Short Stack's syrup came in different colors for you to waste your money on (or your parents money).


PRIVATE PIZZA

Something about a pizza with an eye patch just doesn't go over well with me. I don't trust the guy. And furthermore, anybody who has seen the classic movie, "Spaceballs", knows that the character "Pizza The Hut" ate himself to death. Therefore, it is logical to assume, that any other living being that is made out of pizza will eat itself to death.

There were a few other figures too, but I don't even think they were really worth mentioning. If you disagree, kiss my ass. And what would a toy series be without the vehicles? Look no further...


THE BBQ BOMBER

This is my favorite of the vehicles, but shouldn't they have built a chair or something for the food guys to sit on as they ride it into victory? I mean, I don't think that "Mean Weener", the hot dog, should be standing on a GRILL of all things. I would think this vehicle would do more damage than good to whoever was sitting in the hot seat.


THE FRY CHOPPER

Part frying pan, Part helicopter... all power! Normally I would say the seating arrangements of this one isn't a good idea either, but the frying pan isn't on an open stove so I guess it can't do the occupants any harm. And it comes with deadly Tomato Sauce can bombs. What more could you possibly ask for?


THE COMBAT CARTON

Now this vehicle was a good idea gone bad. They used an egg carton for the vehicle and it could hold a bunch of the figures. But what the hell is with that weapon on top? A fan? Did they completely run out of food products to use as projectiles? Come on, that's just sad. They could have at least had a slingshot that shot rotten eggs or something on it. But a fan? Weak... very weak.

Sadly there was never a big "playset" or "base" with this line of toys. I guess the project got canned before they could even try to come up with one. Personally, I would have loved a giant refrigerator playset.

One thing you'd think they would do is try to put some kind of subliminal "healthy food is better than junk food!" lesson in with the toys. You know, like have all the healthy foods like bananas 'n stuff on the Good Guys team, and have the bad foods like pork rinds on the Bad Guys team. But no, they pretty much mixed it all up. So it's pretty obvious to me that their goal was to just get us kids in deep shit.

As you can imagine, toys that promoted making food products do battle with one another would cause quite a few messes all around the world. Kids throwing food at each other, kids mashing their hamburgers into the wall, etc. Who knows what other horrendous things mom had to clean up as a result of the Food Fighters.

But just in case you don't think these toys could influence kids...


THE FOOD FIGHTERS LUNCHBOX AND THERMOS!

Yep, that's right. Mattel couldn't just leave them as toys. They just HAD to influence us to play with our food. And what better way to remind us kids to play with our food, then to promote the Food Fighters on our lunchboxes! I GUARANTEE YOU that Many-a-Food-Fight in school cafeterias were started as a result of this.

Well, Food Fighters may have not been the best toy of the 80s, but it obviously left its mark... which was probably in the form of a ketchup stain on the wall. But perhaps the reason Food Fighters was so short-lived, wasn't because of its inherent ability to spur on real-life food fights. Maybe the reason was because of another thing involving the fight against food...


BURGERTIME!

That's right, Burger Time was one of the biggest arcade hits. If you didn't like Burger Time, you just weren't jiggy wit' it. You're a chef armed with your pepper against all sorts of food fighting foes. Hot dogs, eggs, pickles... all of these and more could kill you. And let's be honest here; a couple of fake food toys aren't going to hold the attention of a kid nearly as well as a video game like Burger Time. Besides, you could play this game all you wanted without having to worry about getting into heaps o' trouble for playing with your food.

Well, you can't download the figures (sorry, they haven't invented that technology just yet), but you can download the Burger Time NES game. First you'll need the emulator and then the game itself.

So in the end, Burger Time wins the ultimate food fight.


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