Features

The Ten Gayest Masters of the Universe
by: Protoclown

Masters of the Universe was never my favorite cartoon growing up, but of all the cartoons I enjoyed as a child, it's by far my favorite to go back and watch now, even with its bad animation and excessive use of stock footage. Although I never recognized it as such when I was a child, in retrospect I always remembered the cartoon as being extremely homo-erotic.

Even so, I was ill-prepared for what awaited me when I went back to watch some old episodes in recent years. It wasn't just a little gay, but shockingly, awesomely so, and I doubt such a children's cartoon would get on the air these days (though I hear that in one of the new Transformers cartoons the "Mini-cons" transform and fly into the larger Transformers' butts, but that's another story). I just don't see how any adult can watch the show without thinking "Wow, these guys are all totally fucking each other."

Discussing which "Masters" characters may have been gay is like discussing which members of Wham! were flying the rainbow flag—there's just no real point in it. But we can analyze the characters and find out which ones were the most gay. And that's what we're going to take a look at here. I sincerely hope that no gay readers are offended by this, as it's not my intention to make fun of being gay at all, but rather to point out how awesome the Masters of the Universe franchise is for reveling in its over-the-top out-of-the-closet gayness. Now, obviously not all of you are going to agree with this list, but let's face it: trying to pare this down to a mere ten characters is no easy task, and unfortunately, I had to leave a few people behind, because there's always someone gayer out there.


#10: Zodac

Zodac wasn't in many episodes of the show, and he wasn't even from Eternia—he was a "cosmic enforcer", and while his exact planet of origin is unknown, it's obvious from his lack of pants that wherever it is, it must be pretty gay. Fortunately this mode of dress has proven popular on Eternia, allowing him to blend in with the locals undetected as an alien outsider. What little clothing he does wear bears a strong resemblance to a "gimp suit", and his white gloves suggest a primness and sense of style that he takes pride in.


#9: Teela

It was a hard choice for me deciding whether Teela or Evil-Lyn belonged on this list, but in the end I had to side with Teela's tomboy warrior over Evil-Lyn's sinister spellcaster. She may wear a tiara, which is decidedly feminine, but her flipped up collar strongly suggests that she wants to be accepted as one of the "cool guys". Her lack of pants is also a common fashion among Eternian men. She also has a stern demeanor that identifies her not so much as a straight dominatrix type, but rather as a lady who likes to go "mumbling in the moss", if you know what I mean.


#8: Beast Man

Beast Man represents the burly, hairy "Bear" community with his presence on this list. What man of Eternia doesn't want to snuggle up and enjoy his furry, pillowy buttocks for resting his weary head (among other things)? Beast Man is the wildly savage, untamed animal that so many men of Eternia want to have a crack at "breaking", and he's a stallion in the sack, or so I hear.


#7: Stratos

You can immediately tell by a quick glance at his flamboyant apparel that this guy is dressed and ready for a surprise Gay Pride Parade at a moment's notice. Should such a parade happen to come through on his watch, he and his frilly arm feathers will be ready to participate. He also has an Amish-style beard, but ain't no Amish I ever seen what got arm feathers. That's all I'm saying.


#6: Prince Adam/He-Man

Of course this list would be incomplete without the inclusion of Prince Adam AKA He-Man himself. With his predilection for pink shirts and Prince Valiant haircut, it's really no surprise to anyone that Prince Adam is a bit of a Sissy Britches. On top of that, he can magically transform into He-Man, the pinnacle of male perfection on Eternia, who's always up for a little Bum Fun. If it was possible, he would totally travel through time and have his He-Man self fuck his Prince Adam self like on that episode of Outer Limits or Twilight Zone or whatever the hell it was. You know what I'm talking about.


#5: Orko

While most of the gay denizens of Eternia represent manly, tough stereotypes, Orko represents the more effeminate Queen, who isn't so much a formidable physical presence, but he more than makes up for that in spirit and imagination. He's the prissy, comic relief—perhaps not lusted after in the same way as the others, but adored by all nonetheless. And let's just say that thing on the front of his robe that looks like the letter "O" ain't supposed to depict the letter "O".


#4: Man-At-Arms

Nobody else rocks the handlebar moustache like Man-At-Arms, and for that reason alone he belongs on this list. He's the mentor and trainer of King Randor's forces, and he looks like the kind of guy that everybody likes to call "Uncle". The kind of uncle who likes to stand right behind you and approvingly "pat" you on the "back" repeatedly for a job well done. As part of his training regimen, he spends a lot of time wrestling around in the mud with the troops.


#3: Mekaneck

The guy's fucking neck extends. Do I really need to go any further with this? If this doesn't make him the most popular belle of the ball, I don't know what else possibly could. On Eternia that kind of talent would make him a King—nay, dare I say, a god. Who else can boost their partner's self-esteem the way this guy can? "Oh ho! Looks like I'd better extend my neck another foot for this job!" And gag reflex? Fucking forget about it. Not a problem. Not even on the radar.


#2: Fisto

There's absolutely no doubt that whoever is in a relationship with Fisto is going to be the bitch, no ifs ands or buts about it. This guy is basically a lumberjack with a giant metal hand, and his name/power combination borders on obscene. He just screams "premise to gay porno, and one of those weird pornos where they try to incorporate sci-fi elements into the plot". There's no way a guy like this doesn't know most of the men of Eternia biblically, and this character certainly explains why all the guys run around like they're riding on a saddle and stand in such wide stances.


# 1: Ram Man

As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't get any gayer than Ram Man. The guy is stocky, or "husky" if you prefer, built like a tank, and yet he proudly wears a skirt because he doesn't give a fuck what you think. His special power is that he springs forth (light in the loafers) and bashes the shit out of things with his fucking head. But just look at the guy. His armor makes him look like a walking buttplug for crying out loud. And his name gives you all the information you need to know: "Ram Man". What does he enjoy doing with his spare time? "Ram Man". Sure, I suppose he could "ram" the ladies, but not like this. Not like this.

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email Protoclown

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Masters Of The Universe Mini-Comics Retold!
Masters Of The Universe Mini-Comics Retold!

Reader Comments

Your Illegitimate Child
Jan 30th, 2008, 03:53 AM
First comment cheer! Hoo-rah.

How on Earth do people in Eternia reproduce if most of them ride the rainbow? Srsly.

PS: Check the username. I know my gay.
Fanboy
Jan 30th, 2008, 04:59 AM
In hindsight, the whole thing is seriously messed up. Who was making these things? The real giveaway is how the character names sound like pornos. "Fisto"? "Ram-Man"?

You have now planted the horrific and unnatural image of He-Man totally doing his Prince Adam self in my mind, and it will never leave.

The horror...the horror...
Esq.
Jan 30th, 2008, 06:02 AM
"yet he proudly wears a skirt because he doesn't give a fuck what you think."
Genius

"Ram Man". Sure, I suppose he could "ram" the ladies, but not like this. Not like this."
Pure Genius
Member
Jan 30th, 2008, 09:57 AM
Funny article. The only thing I disagree with is Orko, since flamboyant homosexuals like to show off their appearance while Orko seems to go out of his way to hide as much of his body as possible. Considering how bony his arms are, nobody can blame him.
What Video Games?
Jan 30th, 2008, 10:09 AM
This is the single funniest thing I've read in weeks. And isn't like, everything in the 80s homo-erotic in some sense? Like action movies?
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Jan 30th, 2008, 12:35 PM
I laughed continuosly from #3 on down. Good Lord! I was in college when these came out and missed the whole He-Man scene entirely. Too funny.
Forum Virgin
Jan 30th, 2008, 12:52 PM
Nicely done proto! That's one hell of a task trying to pick the gayest of cast who apparently were all sailing the anal seas. I agree with Teela, if you ever watch the episode where she and Evil-Lyn team up? Notice how much Evil-Lyn looked like Anne Heche?
From the Home of MST3K
Jan 30th, 2008, 03:58 PM
A show filled with large, muscled male characters who do not wear pants?

No, not gay at all...

I think that the number of parody songs/cartoons/animations that make Eternia out to be very gay shows that all of us are in on the joke.
Built in the 80s
Jan 30th, 2008, 04:15 PM
Good work. I can imagine there was a whole lot of other characters that could have been on the list! Mossman or Stinkor, perhaps?
なにをみてんだよ
Jan 30th, 2008, 04:41 PM
I had boxes of Masters of the Universe toys and used to make them all simulate sex with the Teela and Evil-Lyn toys. It's not gay to touch wieners with another dude if it's in a female's mouth, is it?
☆☆☆☆☆
Jan 30th, 2008, 04:51 PM
Having a box full pantless male dolls is pretty gay.
grants but one wish
Jan 30th, 2008, 06:07 PM
ram-man looks like he just wants to be a pretty little princess
Itsa me!
Jan 30th, 2008, 06:36 PM
Stratos looks like a chicken of some sort.
Forum Virgin
Jan 30th, 2008, 07:54 PM
@GRUMPYNZ

Stinkor is disqualified by virtue of the fact that homosexuals tend to take good care of their bodies. Stinkor's power is overpowering B.O., so...
after enough bourbon ...
Jan 30th, 2008, 08:59 PM
Good gravy! I never realized that Saturday morning cartoons were pay-per-view!
The Goddamned Batman
Jan 30th, 2008, 10:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nktalloth View Post
@GRUMPYNZ

Stinkor is disqualified by virtue of the fact that homosexuals tend to take good care of their bodies. Stinkor's power is overpowering B.O., so...
That is PRECISELY why I left him off the list, actually.

And thanks, guys. Glad you enjoyed the piece!
Forum Virgin
Jan 30th, 2008, 10:53 PM
I totally agree on that gimp suit >< talk about ruining innocence.
pickled
Jan 31st, 2008, 12:42 AM
Well this changes everything...
Clap if you love Dynamo
Jan 31st, 2008, 05:42 AM
I thought roughly the same thing about the show when I watched it again as an adult. I watched He-Man religiously as a kid, and my mom took a pretty active interest in what I was doing as a kid as well. How she did not ban me from watching this is beyond my skills to surmise.
Ms. Sorghum Molasses '82
Jan 31st, 2008, 02:19 PM
Oh, come ON! Skeletor was the Godmother of Eternia and don't try to tell me different!

Why do you think they had him talk like Charles Nelson Reilley?
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Jan 31st, 2008, 11:33 PM
the pure amount of perversion made the show practically unwatchable for me.
IM sure as hell glad this never made it to live action film...
Is a thin donkey
Jan 31st, 2008, 11:56 PM
Personally, I would have swapped Ram Man and Fisto's positions on the list.

Man that just sounds wrong...
Forum Virgin
Feb 1st, 2008, 12:22 AM
'the pure amount of perversion made the show practically unwatchable for me.
IM sure as hell glad this never made it to live action film... '

"Hehehe...That's because the live action movie has been put off until 2009..."
An Arizona Horror Company
Feb 1st, 2008, 04:36 PM
Sleazeappeal is absolutely right about this: Skeletor was the ruler of Eternia's velvet underground. He sounded more jacked-up than Cobra Commander...that had to be some kind of a clue....
after enough bourbon ...
Feb 1st, 2008, 06:29 PM
On a second reading, I noticed 2 things:

Ram Man is definitely gayest - he even has a flat head that you can rest your beer on.

You put a reference to "wide stances" in Fisto's bio. Excellent!
The Magnificent Bastard
Feb 2nd, 2008, 01:37 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dungeonbrownies
the pure amount of perversion made the show practically unwatchable for me.
IM sure as hell glad this never made it to live action film...
Actually it did. The live action film came out back in the 80s.
Official Punching Bag
Feb 2nd, 2008, 03:53 AM
I was way too young (not even born yet) to experience He-Man and the Masters of the Universe when it was popular, but ever since I got cable I wondered whether He-Man might be worth a gander (no, not like that! A gander at the SHOW!). So I watched one episode, and I couldn't stop laughing. There's no way that sort of unintentional humor would go on in today's cartoons. But then again, I remember Dragonball Z having certain connotations that could not be overlooked unless you were blind.

When I was a kid we had Transformers: Beast Wars and Pokemon to be raised on. I was too poor to have cable (but not too poor to be eating koalas in desperation), and my parents decided that it was too expensive. But really, by the time I was older and wealthy enough to get cable I knew I would appreciate these cartoons more, because I was wised up enough to join the dots. Seriously, watching Spongebob Squarepants as a young adult makes a whole lot more sense to me than it did as a kid.

Still, as a He-Man n00b, all I remember of it when I saw it were the outrageously camp voices. I agree, Skeletor is such a sugar daddy!
GoldMember
Feb 2nd, 2008, 04:02 PM
Aw man that was hilarious, I've never really seen He-Man myself, although I've known of it for many years, awesome piece Protoguy!
Forum Virgin
Feb 2nd, 2008, 08:21 PM
really funny should of had Snout spout or Two bad in the list
The Goddamned Batman
Feb 4th, 2008, 10:17 PM
I know that Skeletor is totally gay, and there are definitely some others that could have made the list, but I had to limit myself to ten, and the choices of who to pick weren't exactly easy...
Official Punching Bag
Feb 7th, 2008, 01:40 AM
Yeah, Skeletor has the attitude to be gay, but judging from the fact he's a skeleton, I think he lacks the parts required for such a lifestyle. Still, he might be one of those gay men who isn't all that focused on sex in the least. Kind of like Dumbledore. Or not.
Psychobabble Debate Champ
Feb 7th, 2008, 03:41 AM
I have to say, I like the inclusion of Zodac on the list. He was always a little fruity to me, being the "cosmic enforcer" and all, and the S&M mask comparison is also spot-on.

I guess I never saw the gay in the figures, as I had the entire lot of them as a kid, but now I will always think of He-Man in that pink shirt dancing like Hasslehoff.
I'm known as Man-pretty.
Feb 8th, 2008, 10:03 PM
that is great. 1 and 3 are my favorites.
MMA for Life.
Feb 11th, 2008, 12:40 PM
yeah there were some pretty wrong moments, but still loved this one as a kid.
Funky Dynamite
Feb 11th, 2008, 01:40 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by JakeOfAllTrades View Post
Yeah, Skeletor has the attitude to be gay, but judging from the fact he's a skeleton, I think he lacks the parts required for such a lifestyle.
So you've never actually seen Skeletor, eh?
Disastah Blastah
Feb 13th, 2008, 03:00 PM
This leads me to wonder who the ten straightest MOTU are.
Forum Virgin
Feb 13th, 2008, 10:06 PM
I'm honestly rather surprised that Skeletor didn't make it onto the list..Although I'm glad Beastman made it. Maybe you should've extended it to 20 characters, hah.

Here, I'm pretty sure this would make you reconsider putting Skeletor on the list:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=FZ1u2_PopPk

I'm surprised nobody brought this up (Or maybe someone did...I just glided through the comments). Now, I strongly suggest that the younger readers don't watch the link. It's from CKY, the earlier Jackass, starring Brandon DiCamillo. Bam makes a few appearances here. Just listen to the lyrics, and you'll see.
Forum Virgin
Mar 25th, 2008, 01:25 AM
Thank you for ruining my childhood memories. I'll never be able to look at He-Man the same way ever again...
Forum Virgin
Apr 18th, 2008, 02:42 AM
Here's the full version of "Beastman vs. Skeletor"

http://youtube.com/watch?v=JYx5L_-i7gg
Imperial Stormtrooper
Jun 25th, 2008, 06:18 AM
Ah damn.. there went my childhood..
Although in retrospect, yeah the Masters of the Sodomverse were total ghey!
Dubiously Awesome
Sep 24th, 2008, 01:29 AM
You go Ram Man wear that skirt with PRIDE!
Space Viking Repo Man
Sep 27th, 2008, 09:18 AM
Speaking of handlebar mustaches, you should add Rio Blasto to that list. The cowboy outfit only adds to the ghey and considering that his special 'power' is to pull a magical gun out of his torso and 'blast' people...well, it writes itself. Him and Extendar probably go out clubbing on their nights off from the S&M scene and have mescaline with Singapore Slings on the side.
Forum Virgin
Jan 6th, 2009, 09:28 PM
Fisto! Ram Man! Holy crap, I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Nearly soiled myself. Thanks, man.
Forum Virgin
Jan 7th, 2009, 04:03 PM
Well Orko was Trollan from another Dimension,and he had a "girlfriend"
unless she was just some manned of beard? Hmmmm
Gotta disagree with the bit about Teela,some episodes are just
laced with sexual tension between not only her and He-Man.
It was with Prince Adam too. Maybe a ***-hag,but none too
Sapphic by my estimation.
Crazy dog woman
Jan 10th, 2009, 04:15 AM
In my obviously confused childhood me and my sister had both He-man and c:o and some my little ponies. Actually they were perfectly fitted to each other. All the He-man action figures were bow-legged and just the right size to ride my little ponies. We used to play that both He-man and my little ponies came from an alien planet and were to conquer earth where the barbie dolls lived.
Forum Virgin
Oct 26th, 2010, 05:23 PM
HA HA of course I never caught these when I was a kid in my Transformer's PJs eating Ghostbuster's cereal on Saturday morning but man He Man was really purple! I had every one of the He Man figurines, my mom threw one out though, I think the character's name was Stink-or and he actually smelled like a skunk. I looked all over for it and gave up it for lost, until my mom told me two years ago she tossed it because it smelled so bad. I think the 1980's subconsciously messed me up some how (judging from this site and board I am not the only one), I look at myself now in my 30's and I am pop culturally retarded. I am actually proud of it but my parents aren't, they regret plopping me down in front of the TV and giving me cheap comics, I thank them.
Member
Oct 27th, 2010, 01:24 PM
Prince Adam was also a bit overbearing when others were in the kitchen. He was VERY proud of his cooking.

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