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I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2007! Halloween Candy!
by: -RoG-

It's that time again. Your teeth have just finished recovering from the sugar overload of last Halloween and you're ready to torture them again, right? Well look no further my friends, for I have been collecting a ton o' Halloween candies to show you again this season so you can cut out all the guesswork and go straight for the good stuff! There are nearly 40 varieties reviewed here, so you're bound to find something you like! You won't find a more comprehensive candy listing anywhere else and what my taste buds say is LAW, so you had better listen to 'em. All of the candies featured here are rated on a 1-5 scale: 1 being worse than a vampire draining all of the blood from your body, and 5 being better than a vampire draining all of the cancer from your body and turning you into a super-human who can lay golden eggs worth waaaay more than any of that cheapo Fabergé stuff.

Once again, the process of collecting all of these candies has been both wonderful and awful; on one hand I got to eat some of the most delicious candies being offered up for the 2007 Halloween season. On the other hand, I got to eat some of the most horrid excuses for candies being offered up for the 2007 Halloween season too. But hey, my tooth loss is your... tooth gain? Well, it sounds good at least. Also, I must remind all of you to check out our 2006 Ultimate Halloween Candy Guide because many of those candies are available again this year! With that in mind, let us begin the tooth-rotting goodness of I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2007!

The Pumpkin Decoder!
The Pumpkin Decoder... no decoding necessary if you have a hammer handy

Here's a new concept in the candy scene, a container of candy that's actually more difficult for kids to get into than a childproof medicine bottle. The Pumpkin Decoder is basically a little plastic puzzle consisting of five pieces - all of which must be matched up perfectly for you to be able to open the pumpkin.

Post-op Pumpkin. Looks like he's gonna need another facelift

Granted, it's not too hard to figure out how the face of a jack-o-lantern should match up, especially since it comes preset for you behind some tape. Actually, it looks like it's just gotten back from a facelift and those are its spoooky post-op bandages. Ooooo! As easy as putting it together would seem, it's not made all that well, because if you're just the slightest bit off, it simply won't budge. When you consider how difficult it can be to pop the top off of this thing, you'd think the Pumpkin Decoder candies would taste like golden morsels of sugary glee from the heavens, but no... they're more akin to the flavor of Necco Wafers with extra food dye.

out of 5 pumpkin carving tools

Slithering Snake Suckers!

When I bought this thing, I thought it was just a long gummy snake, but it's actually a big-assed solid lollipop. What's funny is that the packaging comes with a "Snake Devour Gauge" which is basically a chart telling you how much of the snake you should have in your belly by a certain time of day. In other words, they expect you to eat this behemoth by dusk! That's like telling me to eat my car within the next month. It's just one of those things that's not gonna happen... no matter how good it tastes. The package also claims that the snakes flavor is a "tasty tongue twister" but there's really no mystery to it. I knew this thing was gonna be orange flavored just by looking at it; there was no need to use the flavor key on the back of the package. But hey, it's the thought that counts, right? And speaking of nice thoughts, they intentionally wrapped the entire snake in some cellophane so your hands don't get sticky while eating it. A tasty orange flavor, non-sticky hands and a big-assed snake. Not too shabby!

out of 5 Wolfman Jacks

Gleamin' Orange Twist & Glow Pop!
Note: this is not a rave club accessory

No, I'm not on an orange-flavor kick, it just so happens that orange is one of the official colors of Halloween and therefore you'll see a lot of candies using it. So this "Gleamin' Orange Twist & Glow Pop" seemed like an interesting enough idea. Sure, Haloween candies that light up are nothing new, what with the light-up candy necklaces from last year and what have you, but up until now I had never seen one that you could wear on your finger like a spring.

GASP! It's the forbidden glowing middle finger! It's even more inflamatory than the average middle finger!

Unfortunately, the light inside this thing isn't a permanent one. Even worse, it's not a battery-powered one either... it's just a little glowstick that barely gives off any light. That photo you see up there is after I brightened it up in Photoshop since it barely even showed up on the picture we took. While it's slightly amusing having a swollen, barely illuminated middle finger to use on people who don't appreciate the finer things in life like Halloween, this lollipop is honestly not worth your time. It has a nasty bland orange flavor that's reminiscent bland flavor grandma's pocket for far too long. No thanks.

out of 5 mummies

Oozing Eyeballs!
Jelly donuts?

Shannon (my official 2007 Halloween candy tester helper / rock star) found these spiffy Oozing Eyeballs at her local dollar store. With the cheesy blood splatters and bright colors, I loved the packaging immediately, but still... can you really expect much for something you spent a buck on? The answer is a surprising YES. First off, when you remove these things from their individual packages, they look a lot like those mini powdered sugar donuts (minus the holes), so I guess if you're expecting them to taste like those they'd be a bit disappointing.

Mmmmmmmmmmm goopy. Pop that zit!

Now when it comes to marshmallows, I'm not a huge fan of eating them as is. I think they generally need to be combined with something else... cereal, hot chocolate, and of course s'mores. It looks like the people who made these agreed with this and decided to fill 'em with some sweet candy goo. Raspberry, strawberry and lemon... whatever candy goo center flavor you choose, you'll be surprised at just how good these things taste. A bag of tasty eyeballs that you can pop like a zit for a dollar? I doubt your local mortician could even beat that deal...

out of 5 Kiefer vampires

York Peppermint Pattie Pumpkins!
What a pumpkin-tastic sensation!

I'm probably a bit biased when it comes to York Peppermint Patties. They're just one of those candies that are so perfect and refreshing, I could eat them in a bowl of milk for breakfast every day. Say, that's actually not a bad idea. Well anyway, the York folks decided to get into the Halloween spirit this year by churning out some pumpkin-shaped patties and even changed the color of the filling from white to orange. Don't worry, it's still the same peppermint pattie flavor we've all grown to love over the years and it'll give you a nice little chill before you head out into the cold night come this Halloween. If nothing else, you can reenact one of those "York sensation" commercials of theirs...

"When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie Pumpkin, I get a sensation as if I'm a warlock, flying high in the sky and stabbing the clouds so that they rain blood on all the scared children down on earth. Having experienced such a severe childhood trauma, they'll all be destined to become homicidal maniacs later in life because all they see is blood, Blood, BLOOOOOOOOOOD!"

out of 5 hungry piranhas

Halloween Fruit Roll-Ups &
Fruit By The Foot Boomberry Punch!


Ok, admittedly "Fruit Roll-Ups" and "Fruit By The Foot" aren't thought of as candy by most people, but consider the the following: 1) they're sweet as most candies if not sweeter, 2) they're stocked in the candy aisles at most stores this Halloween 3) they come in individually wrapped mini packs and 4) they're covered in some Halloweeny decorations. I'd say it's safe to let 'em slip on by our non-candy radars... and why not? They taste better than most of the generic gummy fruit candies out there that you get on Halloween anyway, so it's worth giving 'em a shot. It's not like when somebody tries to give you an apple on Halloween.

You could eat a newspaper, but it won't taste nearly as good as these printed things

As you can see, the Fruit By The Foot strips have a spider web pattern on 'em but it's actually not easy to see at all, especially when you try looking at it on top of the wax paper. The new "Boomberry Punch" flavor tastes just like your typical cup o' fruit punch... pretty tasty if you ask me. At the very least, it has much better taste than the lame jokes printed on the wax paper. As much as I like the new Boomberry Punch flavor, I gotta go with the "Strawberry Craze" Fruit Roll-Ups as the better of the two. Aside from the flavor being my favorite, you can easily see the black pumpkins and bats printed directly on each one... and really, who doesn't appreciate the opportunity to eat food with stuff printed on it?

out of 5 bed sheet ghosts

Galerie's Tricky Kitty &
Midlon's Tricky Kitty
Damn you! Stop meowing!!!

Ahh... Galerie's Tricky Kitty. This damned thing was the bane of my Halloween candy shopping spree this season. Why? Because it has an incredibly annoying meow that was triggered by the slightest movement. So, while I was driving around town from shop to shop in search of more candies, this thing kept on meowing at random intervals no matter how I tried padding the bag. Good times, good times...

Anyway, the "trick" is that it poops out candies into a little plastic trick-or-treat bag for you to eat. The candies themselves are very fruity and not bad at all, but the people at Galerie made the mistake of creating these cats so they could be emptied without the package even being opened. Yep, most of the cats in the store had very few candies left in them because anybody could walk on by, give it a tap and make it crap out some free candies. So great, I was left with a cat that barely had any candy and had a meow that annoyed the hell out of me. Nice "trick" there, kitty.

Click to watch my video!
Click on the above pic to watch
the Galerie Tricky Kitty in action!

out of 5 Creatures from the Black Lagoon for the Galerie Tricky Kitty

The Tricky Kitty by Midlon is a different story. This one you've probably all seen before in some shape or form because they have a variety of them for the different holidays and even some regular cats in the off season.

Tricky kitty gives you tasty poop! Don't lose your head over it! HAR HAR HAR!

As you can see, Midlon didn't make the glaring mistake of allowing people to get to the candies without having to open the package first. Granted they don't give you a ton, but at least you know you'll be getting something. The cat also doesn't meow at all, not even when you rip it's head off (something that I honestly wanted to do to the Galerie one instead, and probably should've). I also gotta say the jelly beans this thing comes with are really good. You get two flavors: Cola and Butterscotch. I like they they only give you brown jellybeans too. Unlike Galerie, the people from Midlon clearly wanted to make a bold statement with their cat poop. BOLD. And lemme tell ya, it's easily some of the most scrumptious cat poop I've ever had. Wow, that's definitely a sentence I probably won't have the opportunity to repeat ever again in my life. The only place the cat loses points is with its posterior problems. Yep, the ol' poop chute on it seems to be in need of an enema because the jelly beans often get stuck when you try to get 'em out. Somebody give that kitty a laxative, stat!

Click to watch my video!
Click on the above pic to watch
the Midlon Tricky Kitty in action!

out of 5 Jason Voorhees hockey masks for the Midlon Tricky Kitty

Oh but there's more!

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