I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide To The Halloween Candies Of 2009
by: -RoG-

Crap. It's that time again isn't it. Time for me to torture my teeth and slay my stomach with more sugary snacks in one sitting than any rational human being ever should. Well, lucky for you, I've been collecting candies over the past 2 months of the 2009 Halloween season and am ready to report for taste testing duty once again.

Before we get started, I must remind you again that the Wonka candy company still hasn't brought back their Count Wonkula Bloodberry Donutz! Yes, the same candy donuts which received my vote for the best Halloween candy two years in a row! We need to band together and let them know that we want our chocolate donutz candies back and we want them blooooooody! When you have a chance, please take a minute and email them at techhelp@wonka.com and tell them you want those candies back on store shelves pronto!

Also, if you haven't ready my past Halloween candy coverage from 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008, make sure you do because many of the candies from those years are still in production. Alright, let's get started!

Grave Grabbers

The Flix candy company always delivers the goods each year with appealing looking Halloween treats, and these new Grave Grabbers gummy treats are no exception. Highly detailed severed hands that are tasty enough to eat, but also make fine decorations. You can get a cherry skeleton hand, an apple zombie hand, or a blue raspberry rotted corpse hand. As an added bonus, I also appreciate the fact that Grave Grabbers allow you to act even more immature on Halloween.

out of 5 floating eyeballs

Gourmet Puffy Candy Corn

Those of you who don't appreciate regular candy corn (something I'll never understand, because I can't get enough of the stuff) may like these. They're very soft candy corn flavored pieces, somewhere between the consistency of a marshmallow and a gummy bear. It starts out tasting just like regular candy corn, but the center is far sweeter than what you'd expect from such a treat. They're alright, but I prefer the real thing. If you don't, however, these may do the trick for you.

Also, I'm pretty sure you can call anything "Gourmet" as long as you put it in a sleek looking package with ornate designs that grandma would approve of. Hell, if I puked into a Swarovski crystal bowl, that puke would then be known as "Gourmet Puke". Funny how that works.

out of 5 Phantasm Sentinel Spheres

Ring Pop "Screaming Berry" 2-Pack

Ring Pops will always hold a welcome place on my fingers and in my stomach, so it's nice to see that they're joining in with the Halloween celebrations this year. The new "Screaming Berry" flavor 2-pack features a nice design with hands gripping the pops in front of an open graveyard. What's interesting is how the pops are larger than the hands on the package. The hands are barely able to grip them, they're that huge! I hope the Bazooka company decides to make head-sized ring pops like that sometime. Until then, we'll have to make due with these standard sized pops, and that's fine because they're still delicious and these "Screaming Berry" ones are absolutely Halloweeny with the orange and black swirl pattern. It's good they give you two in each pack, because I have a feeling you'll want to eat one and wear the other until Halloween is over.

out of 5 Uncle Festers

Bug Factor Arackneggz

Now here's a newcomer that screams of sheer awesomeness. Have you ever wanted to eat the swollen bloody butt of an arachnid? Well now you can, thanks to these new Bug Factor Arackneggz by Cap Candy. It's a plastic black spider toy with a sack filled with slimy red candy. All you do is cut open the sack and suck away. Suck a spider's sack! Who wouldn't want to do that!? If you can track it down, I highly recommend picking it up, if for no other reason than the sheer novelty of sucking on a spider's sack.

out of 5 pumpkin candles

Monster Poppers

If you love Pop Rocks as much as I do, then Monster Poppers will be right up your alley, because that's exactly what they are. All they are is Pop Rocks with better packaging. Speaking of which, as you already know I'm a huge fan of Madballs, and I gotta say, these things remind me of 'em. Don't you think they should try making these Monster Poppers characters into a series just like Madballs? Take a closer look! I would buy those in a heartbeat if they made 'em into toys!

out of 5 Pennywise clowns

Hallow Rings

If they tasted better, these new Hallow Rings would definitely be giving Ring Pops a run for their money. The pumpkin, witch, bat and skull rings all look fantastic and are nicely detailed. The only drawback is the extremely bland flavor of each one. Still, they make for some nice decorative rings, so at least they have that going for 'em... but if you'd rather have something with bursting flavor, stick with the Ring Pops.

out of 5 full moon

Wonka Sweet Tarts Squeez Cherry Gooey Blood

How have I missed out on this one for so long? This stuff is delicious! I've always liked Sweet Tarts, and these tubes of Squeez Cherry Gooey Blood taste just like them. Imagine somebody dumping a bag of these famous old Wonka candies into a blender and made a smoothie out of 'em... that's pretty much what you have here. The flavor is really strong and sweeter than ever, but somehow, it works. It works really well and if I didn't have a ton of other candies to try out at the moment, I'd probably finish the tube off in one sitting. If you can find the stuff, I highly recommend trying some. And hey, even if you don't like it, you can use it as some ridiculously bright looking fake blood come Halloween.

out of 5 pumpkin carving tools

Boooo Bands

Now here's a new twist on gummy candies. Boooo Bands are like Lance Armstrong's"LiveStrong" wrist bands that were all the rage for a while, the only difference being you can actually eat these ones and they have Halloween-themed messages on them. Messages like "Boo!", "Spooky" and "Trick". Guess they couldn't fit "or-Treat" on that last one. They're a bit sticky to wear on your wrist for too long, and honestly, I think if you decide to wear them on your wrist for a fairly long time, you probably wouldn't want to eat them afterwards. So it comes down to a decision... fashion or flavor? Fortunately, they come in bags of 20 so you can indulge in both. LiveStrong this Halloween!

out of 5 brains in jars of formaldehyde

Oh but there's more!


Reader Comments

Forum Virgin
Oct 29th, 2009, 08:27 AM
I had the same reaction to the Revenge of the Giant Tentacle gummi. They were selling them a haunted apple orchard and I completely marked out for them. Couldn't buy one though, I was out of cash at that point.

Do they taste as good as they look or are they still in the packaging being worshiped?
Forum Virgin
Oct 29th, 2009, 11:59 AM
the sweet tart squeezes are available year round in gas stations only they don't have the blood in their name.
Forum Virgin
Oct 29th, 2009, 12:41 PM
I too noticed that there are hardly any new candies this year. And what there is, is simply repackaged stuff from last year. Damn economy.
Punk Rock Hamster
Oct 29th, 2009, 01:15 PM
Wonka sells a shocktarts version of the sweetarts squeez, in a really yummy lemon flavor, too. The dollar store here sells both, 2 for a buck, yay, cavaties! Also I'm from Maryland, and very disappointed that we can't make a decent Halloween candy, I'm writing my Congressman. One last note, my daughter sprained her middle finger last night, and went to school with a splint on it today, so I'm just waiting for the calls about her making that gummy hand gesture in class to start pouring in. Great list, as always, RoG.
Forum Virgin
Oct 29th, 2009, 03:55 PM
I work at cvs and wasn't sure about the skulls but I'm going to have to pick up a bag tonight

also we have carried the cherry blood before, glad to hear its good. always look forward to these lists
Oct 29th, 2009, 07:13 PM
I've never even played Day of the Tentacle, and that gummi made me think of it. I want one. Heck, I want eight, and something to put in the center to make an octopus.
I hate this hacker crap!
Oct 30th, 2009, 11:19 AM
Creepy Candy Lollipops - The dracula looks bored and it's awesome.
Forum Virgin
Oct 30th, 2009, 04:16 PM
What are the odds??!?! a gummy tentacle. A FRIGGEN TENTACLE! Where did you get that?
Oct 30th, 2009, 08:03 PM
I want to eat a giant gummy earthworm.
Member OfThe Pigmask Army
Oct 31st, 2009, 01:29 AM
What the crap!? WE'RE SAVED!
The Skeleton Blood Balls guy has jumped the shark! HE'S DEFEATED!
Oct 31st, 2009, 10:23 PM
I'm chewing a giant blue raspberry tentacle as I type this.
Forum Virgin
Nov 2nd, 2009, 09:15 AM
^ Can I have some?
lurking on the walls
Nov 2nd, 2009, 02:03 PM
"day of the tentacle" as in Maniac Mansion 2? man i liked that game.... as for candy... you guys should try and get a design for i-mockery gummies for halloween or something... immagine a Doc Moc gummy head, or pickle hat gummy.... or even the Pickle Man assembly kit...
Nov 3rd, 2009, 10:24 PM
Thanks to your recommendation, as I was out hunting for post-Halloween candy sales, I picked up some of those cherry liquid filled gummy skulls from CVS. I am delighted to say that they are in fact the bee's knees-- I might have to pick up more! Also, while I was at Walgreens, I picked up some discounted candy blood. Unlike the Sweet Tarts candy blood, this candy blood comes packaged in a small-ish blood transfusion pouch. All it says on the cardboard attached at the top is that it's made by a company called Sweet Time and that it is "Artificial Flavor Liquid Cherry Candy Blood Bag." The bag itself is made of fairly hefty plastic and says "Blood Type X" and "Candy Blood" on the front. A tube comes out the bottom (like a straw) and you have to cut the end off in order to consume the candy. They really thought this one out-- they have a plastic clip to stop the flow of candy blood in the straw so you can consume it over multiple sittings. I haven't actually opened it yet-- I'm thinking of keeping it as a prop for next time I dress up as a zombie, but I just had to see if you'd seen it/tried it before.
frappez le cochon rouge
Nov 3rd, 2009, 10:30 PM
Everything should be rated on a scale of Edgar Allan Poe.
Geek Wench
Nov 11th, 2009, 02:13 AM
I just bought a bag of the gummy skulls on clearance. I'm definitely going back for more--not only are they delicious, but they are extraordinarily detailed for cheapo CVS gummies. You can count the teeth in their evil little grins!

Can't wait to take these babies to the office...
Jan 25th, 2010, 04:53 PM
i thought of "day of the tentacle" in "zombies ate my neighbors"
Nuclear Waffle
Feb 8th, 2010, 03:11 PM
I'm drooling so much at the Wonka Cherry Blood. Now if only they had raspberry...

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