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I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide To The Halloween Candies Of 2010
by: -RoG-

Anybody have a tub of Pepto? I'm gonna need it, because it's time for my stomach to endure a sugary assault from all of the candy forces Halloween can muster. Once again, I've been collecting candies over the past two months of the 2010 Halloween season and am ready to report for taste testing duty. I have a wide variety of treats this time, some small and some huge, and all of them are floating around the Halloween ether just waiting to be dropped into your trick-or-treat sacks come October 31st. For years I've considered it my civic obligation to report to you on which candies are delicious and which should be avoided at all costs. The health of my teeth, stomach and central nervous system are a small price to pay when it comes to ensuring you can maximize your enjoyment of Halloween.

If you haven't ready my past Halloween candy coverage from 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009, make sure you do because many of the candies from those years are still in production. Alright, let's get started!

Sweet Tarts Frankenstein Glow Wand

As a big fan of Sweet Tarts candies (and who in their right mind wouldn't be?), I wholeheartedly approve of them being delivered to my mouth via a glowing Frankenstein's Monster Wand. There were some other monsters available as well, but the soft blue glow of Frank's head was just too perfect. There's still plenty of room for improvement here though. For example: they could convert his head into a plasma lamp, and when you press the bolts on his neck, it would cause his mouth to open so he barfs up the Sweet Tarts candies into your hand. Say, that's actually not a bad idea... something to look forward to next year, perhaps? I'd also like to see a larger version of his head too, so it could hold more of the actual candies.

out of 5 floating eyeballs

Vampire Sucker Liquid Candy Filled Pops

These appear to be a re-release of the Slime Heads I reviewed back in the 2006 Halloween season. I'm happy to report that they've improved on that old formula by adding new flavors and designs in the form of these Vampire Suckers. You can choose from a male or female vampire, and the three flavors - Chery, Lime and Blue Raspberry. Again, the way these work is you simply squeeze the pump, slime emerges at the tip of their heads and then you lick it off (no sexual innuendo there whatsoever folks). Out of the three, I gotta go with the Blue Raspberry, but all of them taste better than the old orange ones from 2006. I definitely recommend tracking these down if you can find 'em (I've seen these at CVS and Walgreens).

out of 5 Phantasm Sentinel Spheres

Butterfinger Pumpkin

Do I love Butterfingers? Yes. Do I love jack-o-lanterns? Yes. Do I love Butterfingers shaped like jack-o-lanterns? YES. I also dig the spooky packaging including silhouettes of fall leaves, jack-o-lanterns and even a scarecrow for good measure. While shaping other candies like Snickers into a pumpkin has often diminished the quality of the actual treat, that's simply not the case here with the Butterfinger Pumpkin. It's identical to your average Butterfinger, and therefore worthy of an all-expenses-paid trip directly to your gullet.

out of 5 Uncle Festers

Whitman's Candy Corn Marshmallow

Whoah, now this was unexpected. I've never been the biggest fan of Marshmallow treats, but I am one of those people who absolutely loves candy corn, so when I saw the Whitman's Candy Corn Marshmallow, I had to give it a shot. The packaging describes it as a "marshmallow covered in Halloween Pastelle". The marshmallow inside is super gooey, while the exterior acts as a thin white chocolate hard shell container for it. I'm surprised as how light and tasty this thing actually is - it's just marshmallow and white chocolate, no candy corn flavoring here. It would've received a 4 out of 5, but I must automatically deduct a point from their score however, for they left out the crucial white stripe at the tip to make it really look like a real piece of candy corn. That's just pure laziness on their part and they'd better remedy it come next year. Aesthetics aside, it's still a tasty addition to the 2010 Halloween season, and at only fifty cents a pop, you should absolutely pick up a few of 'em.

out of 5 pumpkin candles

Creepy Crawlers Coral Snake

Man, I'm glad to see this lil' fella is back! I reviewed him back in 2008 and then didn't see him again in the 2009 season. I figured he got run over by a car while warming up on some highway asphalt or he got picked up by a hungry vulture. Fortunately, our Gummy Coral Snake pal has returned in 2010 and he's grown! He's now twice his size and still has those same fantastic colors to let you know that he is, without a doubt, a coral snake. Could his growth spurt be indicative that Creepy Crawlers are planning on releasing a giant version of him in the future. Something akin to the Giant Tentacle from last year, perhaps? One can only hope, because if they release a Giant Coral Snake gummy candy, it will absolutely be worth of a five out of five points rating. Until then, keep on growing lil' fella.

out of 5 Pennywise clowns

Halloween Rock Candy

Rock candy has been around forever, and while I've always been a big fan of it, I've longed for the day that it was officially promoted in a Halloween variety. Thanks to the Espeez company, we finally have official Halloween Rock Candy crystal sticks! They come in two flavors, Black Cherry and Outrageous Orange, and the colors definitely scream of the season. It's hard to find black-colored rock candies as it is, so I appreciate them going the extra mile to give us something festive for the season. Out of the two flavors, I gotta go with the Black Cherry as being the best of the two. Like all rock candies, the flavor isn't incredibly overpowering, but it's tasty as can be and there's no denying that crunching black stones between your teeth makes you feel like a crazed Halloween monster.

out of 5 full moons

It's The Great Pumpkin Snoopy Lollipops

We all love It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. It's one of the greatest Halloween specials in the history of television. As a result, I believe it's due for a much nicer Halloween candy than these Snoopy lollipops. We're talking about a staple of everybody's Halloween season, and all we get is a small bag of lollipops? At the very least, more than one character should appear on these treats. The lollies themselves aren't bad, but they're nothing to write home about either. Somebody really needs to step up and release a candy product truly worthy of that classic special. How 'bout a pumpkin patch filled with edible candy pumpkins and Linus sitting nearby, as he tirelessly waits for the Great Pumpkin to arrive? The Galerie company clearly has the rights to release Great Pumpkin candies, so here's hoping they decide to due the Peanuts gang some justice next year.

out of 5 pumpkin carving tools

Spooky Pops Boo-Quet

Now here's a nice new Halloween promo I found at a Michaels crafts store - the Spooky Pops Boo-Quet. It's some festive candies presented like a bundle of flowers, wrapped up with a purple ribbon. They're hard candies and the designs include a mummy, a witch, candy corn and a wizard hat. Not sure what the wizard hat really has to do with Halloween, but we'll let that one slide. What I won't let slide is the fact that they could definitely taste a lil' better. The taste of these things is pretty bland to be honest; each one has the same weak citrus flavoring, so they really just make for a better decoration than a treat. But hey, what better way is there to say "I love you" on Halloween than with the gift of a spatula Spooky Boo-Quet?

out of 5 brains in jars of formaldehyde

Oh but there's more!
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PAGE 2 OF THE CANDIES!

 

Reader Comments

As u wish...
Oct 22nd, 2010, 03:28 AM
these r the things i love/hate the most!
love the reviews
hate the fact i can never find the COOL one!

oh well, skunked again this year!
Member
Oct 22nd, 2010, 10:17 AM
Cool stuff! I can never find the candy corn Hershey's Kisses...
Purple Pineapple Fanatic
Oct 22nd, 2010, 10:20 AM
YES! I look forward to this all year. Love seeing what new things are out there. Now I've got a serious craving for mellowcreme pumpkins...
Forum Virgin
Oct 22nd, 2010, 11:12 AM
When I saw the skull for the Cookies n' Scream I got all excited, because a few years ago I had some really great quality fudge filled chocolate that looked exactly like it...

It's sad to learn that they used the same mold to make a basic cookies and cream variant...

Know this, had you eaten what I ate it would have certainly got 4 out of 5
hanging out
Oct 22nd, 2010, 12:47 PM
I had caramel apple herseys kisses this year. I don't if they've had them out before but they were certainly tasty. The apple flavoring added to the caramel made is so rich and intense it took me three days to finish a bag rather than one. Anything that make candy last longer is a good thing to me.
I hate this hacker crap!
Oct 22nd, 2010, 03:33 PM
I had those fright bites and was surprised how rich the chocolate was. Good times. Another excellent year for Halloween candy, may have to start a shopping list.
It's about time
Oct 22nd, 2010, 05:24 PM
Hey, for once I've seen most of the awesome candy myself!

Black Forest makes the best gummy candy I've ever had. They have Juicy Oozers Sour Gummy Sharks year round that taste just about the same as the skulls except they're shaped like red sharks.
I have the Freak Street Marshmallow Heart and it's a POUND of marshmallow (same as the skull).
Member
Oct 22nd, 2010, 06:14 PM
Where did you find the brain and about what size is it? I wanted to do a "brain in a jar" this year but couldn't find a good brain (all were too big or too unrealisitc).
Kat Kat is offline
Breathes Comics
Oct 22nd, 2010, 06:46 PM
Kids must love your house for Trick-or-Treating.
MLE MLE is offline
CHIEF OF POLICE
Oct 22nd, 2010, 07:17 PM
RoG, why don't you ever give a quick reference for CANDY NAME - STORE NAME - PRICE RANGE. Because that would actually be great.
Honey Badger don't care!!
Oct 22nd, 2010, 07:43 PM
i liked the look of the packages on the Vampire Sucker Liquids...the vampire spitting the 'blood' up is too funny!
It's about time
Oct 22nd, 2010, 10:08 PM
HowardC: I found the same gummy brain at Wal-Mart, and it's about the size of an actual brain. So it's probably a bit too big for a jar.
Member
Oct 23rd, 2010, 01:00 AM
Well this is a glass cookie jar, not a mason jar, so it might fit. The thing is, most of the brains (and brain molds) I've found are roughly 1.5x human size. That won't fit, I need something human sized or maybe just a shade smaller.
but it still damn hurts.
Oct 23rd, 2010, 08:37 PM
God, these things look awesome, but boy are they probobly awful for you! Not to be a parent or anything, but damn, particularly the candy blood, are these things that will make you die like 15 years too early? I'd rather pass these up to eat, just look at them, and eat some more ordinary cuisine! Well, thank you very much for showing what candy-pushers are selling us these days. It's all very interesting, but just not real. Maybe I took the wrong pill and turned into a localvore (-;. Sorry fellas!
Member
Oct 24th, 2010, 08:11 PM
These are always my favourite each year of the Halloween articles. I can always practically taste each thing as described. Mum only ever gets the generic-o Fun Size candies. (And what's fun about eating less candy?)

After all, what fun is Halloween if you don't get to experience the sensation of a black cat taking a dump in your mouth at least once?

Somewhere out there, RoG has made someone's fetish list...
Cartoonist extraordinaire
Oct 24th, 2010, 09:17 PM
I found the Blue Raspberry Flavored "Vampire Sucker Liquid Candy Filled Pops" at my local dollar store! These things actually showed up in Canadianland and they're delicious!
pickled
Oct 26th, 2010, 08:50 AM
Rog, how do you not weigh 300 pounds?
Forum Virgin
Oct 26th, 2010, 03:28 PM
Need to keep my eyes peeled for these things. I don't binge on sweets, are only eat candy on Halloween and Christmas. Looks like I will have to end the no binging because these candies sound tasty.

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