I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide To The Halloween Candies Of 2012!
by: -RoG-

So here I was, thinking I had made it through September and October without you guys noticing that I hadn't reviewed all the Halloween candies of the season. Could this finally be the year that my innards would catch a break from having an insane amount of sugary treats invading their territory? I was feeling quite hopeful that I wouldn't be ingesting diabetes this season until I walked into my home today and found somebody waiting for me:

Trick 'r Treat Sam wants me to eat his Halloween candy.

Sam from the film Trick 'r Treat was standing on my living room floor surrounded by a huge pile of Halloween candy. He didn't have to say a word... I knew what he expected of me. Just as he expects people to put out jack-o-lanterns on their front porches and give out candy to trick-or-treaters, I too have apparently become a Halloween tradition that cannot be broken for any excuse. Stomach pains be damned; it is my duty to ensure that all of you learn about the Halloween candies of this season. Okay, maybe I don't feel like it's my duty... maybe I'm just fearful for my life with Sam hanging around here. Then again, what's more risky - disappointing Sam or subjecting my stomach to sugary suffering? I guess it's a toss-up, but the candies are already here, so why the hell not.

Over the past two months, Sam has collected candies from the 2012 Halloween season and now it's time for me to put them to the test. On the following pages, you will learn all about the best and worst candies of the season as I conduct a thorough taste test of each and every one of 'em. I only ask that you send me massive amounts of insulin as a thank you.

As always, if you haven't ready my past Halloween candy coverage from 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011 make sure you do, because many of the candies from those years are still in production. Alright, let's get started!

Caramel Apple Milky Way Minis

These aren't bad, but they're also not really necessary. It's hard to improve on Milky Way candy bars since they're already pretty perfect if you ask me. So, while I appreciate them getting in on the festivities with this "Limited Harvest Flavor", it'd take something pretty amazing to make people want to switch to something new, and that's not what we have here. I'm sure you'll be shocked to learn that the apple flavoring is synthetic... the kind of synthetic apple taste you'd be familiar with if you've ever had Apple Jacks or apples & cinnamon Quaker instant oatmeal. It's also an overpowering flavor rather than one that compliments the chocolate and caramel. I wanted to like these a lot, especially since it took me a while to even find a bag, but they're just alright at best.

out of 5 floating eyeballs

Cadbury Crunchy Spiders

I had these sent over from the UK since they've yet to be released here in the states, and boy am I ever glad I did, because these Cadbury Crunchy Spiders are awesome in every way. They're essentially Cadbury's version of a Nestle Crunch bar, but they're shaped like spiders. The base is a piece of cardboard shaped like spider legs, complete with cobwebs, and attached to the top is an oval spider body wrapped in one of two foil designs. The first one is an evil looking spider with some big teeth, and the other is a happy she-spider with big eyelashes and a pink bow. Don't let her fool you though, she'll still drain your blood faster than you can say trick-or-treat.

As for how they taste? It's the same kind of chocolate you'd find in Cadbury's addictive mini eggs. Absolutely delicious!

As another nice touch, they have green crisped rice balls inside each chocolate, as if they're carrying hundreds of tiny spider eggs in their bellies. Why don't we have these in the USA yet!? Please give 'em to us next year, Cadbury!

out of 5 Phantasm Sentinel Spheres

Peanuts Halloween Candy Rings

Candy rings? More like blandy rings! AHAHAHAHAH! YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE!?!? Seriously though, they look nice 'n all, and I'm all about anything that pays homage to one of the greatest Halloween specials of my youth, but these have a seriously bland fruit flavor that doesn't leave much of an impression. I'm pretty sure the Great Pumpkin would have a major problem with these. Maybe that's why he never even showed up that one Halloween night long ago. But hey, you can always just wear them as fashionable Halloween rings. You have Lucy wearing a witch hat, Snoopy lying on top of a jack-o-lantern, and Woodstock lying on an orange blob which I'm just going to say is a pile of autumn leaves. Wearable? Yes. Edible? Eh... only if you're desperate.

out of 5 Uncle Festers

Ausome Halloween Jaw Buster Lollipop

While I do prefer the flavor of Wonka's Everlasting Jawbreakers, this Jaw Buster is unique in that it has a bubble gum center. I cant tell you how the gum tastes yet as I haven't made it to the center, but I'm sure it tastes just like any typical bubble gum you've ever had in your life. The layers do indeed change colors as you make your way through them as indicated on the package. I also got a nice little surprise when I removed it from the package and discovered the lollipop stick also doubles as a whistle. Seems like something they'd want to promote on the packaging, doesn't it? I also like how the packaging makes the pop look like a jack-o-lantern through the cellophane window with a goblin sitting atop it. I'd say it's worth picking up one for both the novelty and because it will last you quite a while, unless you have the same kind of acidic saliva-barf as Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.

out of 5 Pennywise clowns

Nik-L-Nip Mad Scientist Mini Drinks

One of the biggest candy surprises of the 2012 Halloween season was seeing this classic liquid candy treat changed into a new spooky seasonal variety. If you're a fan of the old Nik-L-Nip wax soda bottle candies, then you're getting the same thing here... but better. The one problem I always had with the original wax bottles is I never thought they had enough of the delicious sweet liquid in 'em. That's not the case with these Mad Scientist test tube candy drinks. You get plenty of that precious liquid, with six full test tubes in a variety of fruit flavors, and it's all tasty as can be. Great packaging too that I'm sure even Doc Mock would approve of. Here's hoping that Nik-L-Nip produces these every Halloween from here on out!

out of 5 pumpkin candles

White Chocolate Candy Corn M&M's

I was excited to try these when I first found them, because I'm a big candy corn fan. I was surprised at how strong the candy smell was when I opened the bag, and the pieces were in the expected yellow, orange, and white colors. As for how they taste? It's more like pure white chocolate with an extremely subtle hint of candy corn flavoring. It's definitely nowhere near as perfect as the flavoring of the Candy Corn Oreos were, but to people who aren't fans of candy corn, maybe that's a good thing. To me, however, I wish they tasted more like the genuine article.

I should also note they come small bags which feature the main character being pelted with the candies for some reason. Perhaps they're being thrown by angry fans of candy corn who were expecting the M&M's to taste better.

out of 5 full moons

Vidal Scary Gummis

Variants of Vidal's Gummi candies have been around for ages, so it's nice to see them return with some new ones for Halloween this year. They come in individually wrapped packs of four and they're as soft as gummy candies can possibly be. The flavor is pretty decent too, but probably a bit too sweet for my taste buds if you can believe that. Still, holding these in your hands is almost exactly what it was like to handle the old Manglors monster toys, so I gotta give 'em points for that in addition to having a nice variety of shapes. I love the horrified expression on the ghost's face. I think he's horrified because his scary ghost chains fell off and landed on the ground beneath him and now he can't pick them back up since he has no arms. Poor lil' fella.

out of 5 pumpkin carving tools

Zombie Bites

Zombie Bites are basically gumdrops that are shaped like a brain. They claim to be sour cherry flavored, but they're really not even remotely sour. Not even Sour Patch Kids sour. Sure, they smell great, but the flavor just doesn't do it for me. You bite into them expecting something delicious and sour, but instead, you're treated to bland brains that practically crumble upon your first bite. Disappointing. Oh well... at least they look nice and I dig the cartoonish zombies on the packaging.

out of 5 Gremlins

Mike And Ike Mummy's Mix

The one thing that caught my attention with these right off the bat, other than the nifty Mummy with two protruding lower teeth on the packaging, was that they really fill up the box with the candies. You couldn't possibly fit another piece into the box, so it's nice to see a company trying to give you your money's worth. As for the flavors, they come in lemon, orange, grape, lime, and raspberry. I'd have to say raspberry and orange are my favorites, while grape was surprisingly the only one I didn't like at all. Of course, you can also shove 'em all in your mouth at once and experience "Mummy's Fruit Punch". Yeah, I just made that up. That's what they pay me the big bux for. Not a bad Halloween showing from Mike and Ike at all. Good stuff.

out of 5 maggots

Oh but there's more!


Reader Comments

Forum Virgin
Oct 26th, 2012, 11:02 AM
I've had that marshmallow-candy-in-a-tube sort of thing before! Ages ago, up here in the frozen wastes of Canada! It's a weird memory. Seeing it again reminds me that I didn't like it much, but I now want it desperately. Heck, my tastes have changed, who knows?

Love this series of articles, it's the best part of the whole celebration and it really wouldn't be Halloween without it.
Freelance Artist
Oct 26th, 2012, 12:15 PM
I was completely waiting for this article

& with the realization of that, I also realized that I need to get out more.
Comic Artist in Training
Oct 26th, 2012, 09:33 PM
You probably got me hooked on mellowcreme pumpkins. Just this year I found out that Mother likes those too. Unfortunately, while I did find some bags of only pumpkins this year, for the past couple of weeks I haven't seen any and have had to get those autumn mixes. Apparently, though, it's possible to find recipes for cooking mellowcreme pumpkins and candy corn at home on the 'net--I found this while while running a search to verify the spelling of "mellowcreme."
Cranberry Everything
Oct 27th, 2012, 12:36 AM
It's great to see such a nice selection of new candy again this year!
And I'm glad you reviewed the Halloween Mallow Monsters as I couldn't bring myself to buy flavored marshmallow in a toothpaste tube.
Oct 27th, 2012, 04:17 AM
I can simply not express how much I enjoy this article! It has become a staple for me to haunt this website all year long in anticipation for the candy guide. This years selection was pretty nice and I hope to try some of the better ones on the list very soon. Unfortunately for me I live in a small town with a limited selection of stores. Im going to a bigger town this weekend for Halloween shenanigans so hopefully I can knock some of them off the list then. I really want some of those Carmel Cobs, that looks extremely delicious. Shame you didn't heat it up, I would have liked to see if it would of held it's neat and very fitting shape. You should always read your wrapper before devouring things, but I guess that sort of defeats the nature of Halloween doesn't it?
Forum Virgin
Oct 27th, 2012, 08:06 AM
You know what, I did some research into my bizarre tubed candy memory and realized it was actually candy "toothpaste" gum. Which means my craving for this marshmallow thing is new and legitimate. I wonder if I can find any up here before Halloween runs out...
Forum Virgin
Dec 12th, 2012, 09:14 PM
My friend Nev did the artwork for the Hubba Bubba Squeeze Pops
Vampire's Blood & Mummy Slime.
Jan 17th, 2013, 03:12 PM
This year, I have to set all things in motion to get some of these candy goodies over here in Germany as well. Reading about 'em just doesn't do it for me any longer...
Here's hoping PX stores on/near ARMY bases here carry some of these.

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