It's 2014. How am I still alive after conducting these huge Halloween candy taste tests year after year? Good genetics? Pure luck? Am I the unwitting twisted experiment of a mad scientist who wanted to see how much sugar a human body could ingest without turning into rock candy? Whatever the case may be, I'm alive and ready for another Halloween holiday. Well, I was until I walked into my living room a few minutes ago and discovered there was an uninvited guest waiting for me:
I don't know why I'm "the chosen one" in his mind, but Sam from Trick 'r Treat has returned once again. He did bring some good news, as there will be an official Trick 'r Treat sequel released in the future, and that's great, but he also brought another giant pile of Halloween candy. I mean, come on... did you see what he brought me last year? That was enough sugar to kill a dozen horses, yet he expected me to devour it. And yet here he is again, presumably to finish the job.
But there's no arguing with Sam, he doesn't speak... he just upholds Halloween traditions as if they were the law of the land. And it's your fault. Many of you have told me that I-Mockery's "Two Months of Halloween" celebration has become part of your annual Halloween traditions. Well, Sam must have caught word of it, so now I too have become a part of Halloween. A tradition that must continue on for all eternity. Well, there's no sense in trying to fight it, I know what must done; for better or worse, I have to put every one of those candies in my gullet.
Over the past two months, Sam has collected candies from the 2014 Halloween season and now it's time for me to put them to the test. On the following pages, you will learn all about the best and worst candies of the season as I conduct a thorough taste test of each and every one of 'em. In return, I only ask that you please share this article on your social networks of choice... and send me any recommendations you happen to have for quality stomach pumps.
As always, if you haven't read my past Halloween candy coverage from 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2013, make sure you do, because many of the candies from those years are still in production. Alright, let's get started with this giant pile of sugary madness before Sam gets angry!
Jolly Rancher Crunch 'N Chew Caramel Apple Candy
It's nice to see Jolly Rancher getting in on the Halloween action again this year with a brand new treat. Their "Crunch 'N Chew" caramel apple candies have a hard outer shell, and a soft center. The hard candy is supposed to taste like apple, while the center is caramel. That said, you barely taste the caramel, even with the chewy center, because the apple is so overpowering. Anybody who's had the green apple flavored Jolly Rancher candies before knows exactly what I mean. The caramel is more apparent in the aftertaste. Still, I really enjoyed these, and the falling leaves on the packaging is a nice touch for the season. Well worth trying if you like green apple Jolly Rancher candies.
out of 5 floating eyeballs
Russell Stover Iddy Biddy Pumpkins
I always look forward to the chocolatey goodness that Russel Stover delivers to us every Halloween, and this season they've released bags of adorable little chocolate pumpkins. Iddy Biddy Pumpkins to be precise. The bag depicts a nice lil' chocolate pumpkin patch with a spooky tree and orange sky background. Inside, you find 60 tiny chocolate pumpkins that are simply delicious. Nothing fancy... just simple chocolate smiling jack-o-lantern faces waiting to be devoured. Honestly, I just want to dump the entire package into my mouth all at once, but I have many more candies to get to, so they'll have to wait. But know this, Iddy Biddy Pumpkins... your days are numbered!
out of 5 Uncle Festers
Charms Candy Corn Super Blow Pop
It's high time we have some true Halloweeny Blow Pops, and Charms is delivering the goods in the form of their new candy corn flavored Super Blow Pops. What makes them "super" is that they're larger than the standard Blow Pops. I'm happy to report that if you like candy corn, you'll be surprised at just how well they mimic the flavor of it with these pops. The gum in the center is still their standard bubblegum flavor, and while I was hoping it was candy corn flavored as well, it still works.
Charms has also released some other Halloween lollies this season, which I'll cover in this article in a bit.
out of 5 Phantasm Sentinel Spheres
Melster Candies Candy Corn Flavored Taffy
As a fan of candy corn, I was excited to find some taffy flavored after it. Unfortunately, this stuff is a big disappointment. First off, only two of the three candy corn colors are represented here. What's worse, the taffy itself has an extremely bland flavor. If I were taking a blind taste test, I'd never guess it was supposed to be like candy corn. So yeah, unless you're a serious taffy fiend with no other options, I really wouldn't recommend purchasing these.
out of 5 Pennywise clowns
Tic Tac Scary Sweets
Last year, Tic Tac treated our mouths with a blast of frightening freshness in the form of their Bewitching Blend mints. Well, I'm happy to report that they're back with another Halloweeny batch, this time they're called "Scary Sweets". I know they're simple looking by nature, but something about having a tiny Halloween label with bats, cherries, and grapes on it puts a big smile on my face. I guess it's because these are about as small as Halloween treats can get. The grape and cherry flavors also taste great and work well together, so you've really nothing to lose here. Here's hoping for another batch next year!
out of 5 pumpkin candles
Brach's Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn
Brach's has found yet another flavor to introduce into their popular line of candy corn - Pumpkin Spice! I dig how they used muted, darker colors this time to represent the flavor, while still sticking to the classic candy corn color palette. The bag also features some nice visuals, including pumpkin pie, whipped cream, and cinnamon sticks - which I presume represent the three colors on each candy corn piece. The candy itself has a nice aroma and the flavor works very nicely. It's a great blend of cinnamon and pumpkin flavors... and I'd say you can taste the cinnamon more distinctly here. All in all, another tasty candy corn alternative that I won't be getting tired of anytime soon. That said, I still give a slight edge to the S'mores flavor.
out of 5 full moons
Nuclear Waste Filled Super Sour Gum
Target stores released some new candies again this season, and these Nuclear Waste filled drums immediately caught my attention. They're bright yellow, practically neon, with a liquid green center. I love that the actual barrel candies have little green biohazard symbols on them too. The gum itself isn't sour at all, it just has an unpleasant apple flavoring. The liquid in the center, however, is very sour. Sour to the point where you don't know if you're puckering or something is actually burning your tongue and your throat. Not sure if that's a good thing. Maybe they actually did put toxic waste in these gum barrels. I'll letcha know if I grow any extra limbs.
out of 5 pumpkin carving tools
Hershey's Candy Corn Bars
In case you hadn't noticed from what you've seen on store shelves, there is a LOT of candy corn flavored treats out this year, and one of the first ones to catch my attention were these Hershey's candy corn bars. The package shows the white bars along with little candy corn bits inside them, and sure enough, that's what the actual product looks like too. In all honesty though, it seems like a very mild white chocolate more than anything. You can taste the candy corn, but it's far from overpowering. Don't get me wrong, these are good and I'm sure most people will enjoy them, but I was hoping for a bit of a stronger candy corn flavoring here.
out of 5 Gremlins
Zachary JuJu Pumpkins
I'm not sure if these have been out in the past, but this was the first season I've found them on store shelves. The Zachary confections company has delivered us a big tub of JuJu Pumpkins this Halloween, and they look great. The grape pumpkins are almost black, and the orange flavored ones are bright orange. The flavors are nice and mild, but holy crap do these things ever stick to your teeth! They're super soft, and while I've never been a fan of gum drops, I'm sure that anybody who is, will love these things. One thing's for sure... they give you more than enough to last you through the season.
out of 5 maggots
Oh but there's more!
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PAGE 2 OF THE CANDIES!
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