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I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide To The Halloween Candies Of 2017!
by: -RoG-

And so it was written. On the tenth month of every year, for the duration of his life, he shall be the vessel through which all Halloween candies pass through. And he shall report his findings to those who dare not consume so much sugar. And should he not report said findings, let it be known that Sam, the harbinger of Halloween, will punish him for his transgressions against The Great Pumpkin.

I'm not sure when or where this was written, but I like imagine there's some ancient parchment on which those words were inscribed in blood. It's the only explanation I can come up with as to why my life has become an annual countdown to people wondering, "How much diabetes-fuel can Rog be forced to devour?" Don't play coy with me, buster... you know exactly what I'm talking about:

Trick 'r Treat Sam wants me to eat his Halloween candy.

Of course. OF COURSE. The adorable, footy-pajama-wearing Sam from Trick 'r Treat has risen from the pumpkin patch to make me eat a haul of candies that's simply inhuman. You know, not all of us are made of pumpkin guts, Sam. Maybe you should study human anatomy before you attempt to stuff me to the point I feel like John Doe's first victim in Se7en.

It's October 31st now, and I honestly thought he might've finally moved on. I thought he was taking pity on me, seeing that 2017 has been one of the busiest years of my life. I just released my new Grave Chase video game, I wrapped up a big Kickstarter campaign with my chums from Cyanide & Happiness, and I've been writing other Halloween articles all season long. You'd think he could maybe find someone with some more free time on their hands than me, but no... for whatever reason, are destinies appear to be forever entwined.

So, here I am, once again, preparing to subject my body to enough enough sugar to explode the heart of a blue whale. If you've ever visited I-Mockery during our "Two Months of Halloween" celebration, you know the drill; Sam upholds all Halloween traditions, and I've somehow become one of them. The time has come for me to ingest every single one of those Halloween candies. For me. For you. For Sam. For trick-or-treaters everywhere.

Over the past two months, Sam has collected candies from the 2017 Halloween season and now it's time for me to put them to the test. On the following pages, you will learn all about the best and worst candies of the season as I conduct a thorough taste test of each and every one of 'em. In return, I only ask that you *PLEASE SHARE THIS ARTICLE* on your social networks of choice... and send me any insulin you have access to. I'm gonna need it.

As always, if you haven't read my past Halloween candy coverage from 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, and 2016, make sure you do, because many of the candies from those years are still in production. Alright, let's get started with this giant pile of sugary madness before Sam gets angry!

Dove Witches Mix
Dove Witches Mix

It's nice to see Dove getting in on the Halloween spirit this season. These are some extremely tasty caramel & milk chocolate candies. The candies themselves are the standard bite-size dove ones, but the packaging has a nice witch theme going for it. Each individual chocolate comes with with shiny green & purple foil wrappers featuring different images such as witch hats, brooms, bubbling cauldrons, and everyone's favorite quote, "double, double, foil and trouble." Simple, yes, but they're great.

out of 5 floating eyeballs

Dove Pumpkins
Dove Pumpkins

Dove also released these simple smooth dark chocolate pumpkins this season. Once again, the chocolates themselves don't have any designs on them, but they do come wrapped in nice alternating black & orange wrappers featuring several smiling jack-o-lanterns on 'em. So, if you're a big dark chocolate fan, these are definitely worth picking up this season.

     out of 5 Uncle Festers

Hershey's Cookies 'n' Creme Skulls
Hershey's Cookies 'n' Creme Skulls

These are some fairly tasty white chocolates with a nice cookie crunch to 'em. I like the Dia de los Muertos inspired illustrations on the wrappers. Unfortunately, the design isn't carried over onto the chocolates themselves - they're just generic egg-shaped chocolates. Still, a nice treat if you want something different than just a standard milk chocolate.

out of 5 Phantasm Sentinel Spheres

Spooky Skulls Gummy Candy
Spooky Skulls Gummy Candy

I feel like these are repackaged skulls from previous years, as they look, smell, and taste the same ones Target released back in 2014. Can't' say they're particularly good, and the red ooze inside still doesn't leak out like the classic Head Crushers candies did, or even the Black Forest Juicy Oozers Gummy Skulls from back in 2010. Still waiting to see somebody bring those back one of these days. Until then, all we have are these inferior knock-offs.

out of 5 pumpkin candles

Scary Spiders Gummy Candy
Scary Spiders Gummy Candy

While I didn't think much of these candies based on the fairly generic packaging, they're actually fairly decent for chewy gummy candies with a sour punch. If you're a fan of Sour Patch Kids, these spiders are just about as chewy, with the flavors alternating along with the colors. And honestly, it's pretty fun biting off one limb at a time. Not too shabby.

out of 5 Pennywise clowns

Peeps Marshmallow Spooky Cats
Peeps Marshmallow Spooky Cats

The latest Halloween incarnations of Peeps candies are always a welcome sight, and this pack of four spooky black cats with white whiskers look great. They've also put out more of the same "dipped" Peeps from previous years, which are well worth trying out if you want something more flavorful than just their standard marshmallows. Would love to see them release some new dipped varieties for Halloween 2018, because they've had some really great stuff in recent years - especially in 2015.

out of 5 full moons

Reese's Peanut Butter Spooky Eyeballs
Reese's Peanut Butter Spooky Eyeballs

Reese's is back for Halloween with these new "Spooky Eyeballs" candies. The eyeball wrappers are a nice touch, but the candies themselves have no design, just generic ovals. More egregious of an error is the fact that there's not a great chocolate to peanut butter ratio on these ones, as there's definitely more chocolate than peanut butter.

out of 5 pumpkin carving tools

Reese's Peanut Butter Bats
Reese's Peanut Butter Bats

On the other hand, Reese's Bats are easily one of the best candies this year! Not only is the chocolate to peanut butter ratio in these MUCH better, the candies are actually shaped like bats! Sure, they're blobby bats that would probably have a lot of trouble flying, but at least they made an effort. I dare say I enjoy these bats even more than the classic Reese's peanut butter cups. Definitely pick these up. You won't be disappointed!

out of 5 Gremlins

Ghost Poop
Ghost Poop

We've all seen a bajillion poop-themed candies over the years, especially marshmallow ones based on Ghost Poop, so these shouldn't feel like anything new. At the very least, I dig the packaging, and it's kinda funny that they used the same tiny marshmallows you'd find in a packet of cheap hot cocoa mix. That said, it's not exactly a candy that leaves much of an impression when you eat it. But hey, what do you expect from something called Ghost Poop?

out of 5 maggots

Oh but there's more!
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PAGE 2 OF THE CANDIES!

 

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