Features

Halloween Safety: An Educational Film From 1977 By Centron
by: -RoG-

Halloween. It's not a holiday. It's a day of murder. A Murderday. Murder, mayhem, poisonings, child abductions, car accidents, grenade explosions, scorpion attacks, children melting in angry pools of magma spewed forth by stygian hounds right before your very eyes... it's one hell of a dangerous time to go outside. And yet, here you sit, letting my warning pass you on by as you daydream about which costume to wear this Halloween. Just what the hell is wrong with you? Have you no interest in self-preservation? Well... I think it's high time you get a lesson in safety. Halloween Safety!

Oh sure, you can cry all you want, but you're gonna sit here and learn from this important educational film about the dangers of going trick-or-treating on Halloween. Yes, it's a film from 1977... but so what!? Do you think that makes it dated? It's no more dated than the last educational film I reviewed about bicycle safety and monkeys. And whether or not you like to admit it, I saved your life by exposing you to the lessons learned in that film. I expect to save your life once again by showing you this one today. So let's take a look at the 1977 "Halloween Safety" educational film by Centron.

The film starts off with some classic shots of children running from door to door as they trick-or-treat in their iconic Halloween ghost and witch costumes. But after the initial excitement dies down, we quickly realize that there is something very wrong with one child's costume. Look at that little witch! Look at her costume! Look at her broom! What, you still can't see all the potential danger here!? Ok, it's time we put you in her witchy lil' shoes so you can experience first hand exactly what it's like to go trick-or-treating in those garments of death.

 

Yeah, it's not such a pretty picture now, is it? When you walk around with a mask like that covering your face, you run the risk of being nearly blind! You won't be able to see where you're walking and you may trip over your own witchy feet and spill your candy all over the ground. You could even be hit by a car!

That's right, a CAR. It's a well known fact that the only motorists on the road on October 31st are homicidal maniacs with a thirst for seeing the innards of young children in costume splattered upon the front grill of their cars. For this little girl to wear a pitch black witch costume in the middle of the night... it's as if she's just asking to be murdered. Naturally, to illustrate their point, the filmmakers keep switching back between early evening and late night exterior shots whenever the particular lighting suits them. Safety comes before Hollywood magic, folks.

 

So after falling down not once, but twice, our little witch has just about had it with her costume. She kicks her broom, tosses her hat to the ground, and rips off her mask in utter frustration. What could she have done to make this a more enjoyable... nay... a safer Halloween? Fortunately, the filmmakers have all the answers for you so you don't have to make these same fatal mistakes.

First off, her costume is clearly way too long and needs to be shortened so that she doesn't trip and fall again because it's dangerous to HOLY SHIT THERE'S A CAT ON THE SCREEN! Yes indeed, one can only assume that due to budgetary constraints, they were unable to reshoot this sequence of the mother shortening the skirt when the cat walks in front of the camera. Had it been a black cat, people would've thought it to be an intentional addition to the scene, but not here. Nope, this is just pure cat interference and there's nothing anybody can do about it. It was simply time for that feline to shine.

Anyway, back to the important topic of safety...

 

Now if you must carry around something with your costume, such as a broom or a sword, it's highly recommended that you saw off the lengthy parts and any sharp ends. Personally, I'd recommend that if you are going to carry a pirate sword around with you, you don't use a cheap one made out of wood. A plastic one is far less likely to kill you or somebody else, and it won't give you splinters. Then again, if you're smart, you'd carry a REAL sword or a gun with you due to all the murderers that are wandering the streets on Halloween night.

Of course, the filmmakers go on to recommend that you carry a cardboard broom or sword with you instead of a real one. Not just because it's safe, but because it's fun to have the whole neighborhood thinking that your parents are penniless and homeless when they see you in costume. You're already begging for candy... why not look the part of a beggar while you're at it?

Another problem with this witch costume is how dark it is. That problem is quickly solved by throwing that tossing that black death robe and putting on a white outfit instead. Yeah... who wants to be a black witch on Halloween anyway when they can be a white princess, right? Just look how happy she is! You can be just like her too if you follow these safety rules. So now you know, witch costumes are not safe at all.

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP #1: WITCH COSTUMES SHOULD BE BANNED DUE TO THEIR DANGEROUS NATURE AND PEOPLE WHO WEAR THEM SHOULD BE BURNED AT THE STAKE TO TEACH THE COMMUNITY A VALUABLE LESSON.

Now just because you're wearing all white, doesn't mean cars will be able to see you in the dark, so it'd be best if you strap a bunch of red reflective tape on your costume for good measure. There! Now you look like a beautiful princess... and hey, you can even reuse that same costume next year. After all, it's only a few small steps away from being a spooooooky kkk costume! OoOoooOOOoooo!

Even though you are wearing all white and you're wearing reflective tape, it's still highly likely that you're going to get your face caved in by a speeding car. Halloween isn't a holiday, it's an odds game... and odds are, you're gonna find your face under the front wheel of a Dodge. That being said, it's best if you write your full name and address on your trick-or-treat bag so that when your parents are unable to identify your corpse because it's been so horrifically mangled, a quick check of your bag will confirm that it is indeed your body that they found splattered all over the street. It's just a simple courtesy really, and it's the least you can do for your parents since they're going to be grieving over your death for years to come all because you just had to go out on Halloween. Asshole.

 

Now what about that mask? Surely you recall how difficult it was to see out of those eye holes. That's easily solved by cutting some larger eye holes into it. Right? Right! There, now doesn't that feel better? Well, before you run off into the pitch black land of candy and death that is Halloween, you'd better check with mom first. After all, mom knows best.

 

Now if your mom doesn't care about you at all, she'll let you go out into the night with that mask on and that will be your story. But if she's like the mom in this film, a kind, caring mom who only wants the best for her daughter... well... she'll throw that witch mask right into the trash can. Yeah, you heard me.

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP #2: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU WEAR A MASK. HALLOWEEN IS A CELEBRATION OF SAFETY, IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

Aww, don't pout little girl. Turn that frown upside-down! Your mom is just doing her duty as a concerned citizen who wants nothing more than her daughter to blind oncoming cars with her blazing white reflective costume so they veer off the road and kill some other children instead. But hey, there are other ways you can decorate your face before a car decorates it permanently.

Just look at these happy kids! None of them are wearing real masks. Just find your way into mom's makeup and you can smudge her expensive products all over your face. Or you can leave her trashy make-up alone and go with something far more grandiose...

YES! YES! YES!

Nothing beats a kid with fake facial hair. Just look how mighty and regal they look! These two kids were once outcasts... now, they are a part of high society... two distinguished gentlemen that scoff at the poor and will gladly introduce you to their wild fisticuffs should you insult their honor!

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP #3: FAKE FACIAL HAIR, PARTICULARLY EXAGGERRATED MOUSTACHES, WILL MAKE YOUR PARENTS AND THE REST OF THE WORLD LOVE YOU MUCH MORE.

But not even the mighty moustache men can compete with THE INCREDIBLY SERIOUS CAT!

(Note to our readers: Please do not attempt to be an incredibly serious cat. This is a professional actor and it takes YEARS of
intense research and meditation to achieve this level of seriousness. You are not this talented and you will fail if you try it. Seriously.)

Now that you and your chums are all wearing incredibly ornate flame retardant costumes, it's almost time to go out into the night to see which of you survive the carnage. And hey kids, don't forget, you can't spell carnage without CAR! But before you skip to your doom, make sure you do it on a full stomach. That's right kids... gorge on all the pizza you can, because this will most likely be your last meal. Oh, and bring a flashlight too... you know, because your reflective-tape-strapped white costume being brighter than the sun is a goal worth striving for.

So, if you are one of the few (and I do mean FEW) lucky ones who actually manage to survive trick-or-treating on Halloween, you're not in the clear yet. Almost everybody who gives you a treat is under house arrest for murdering children with their cars during previous Halloweens, so now they're resorting to killing kids with tainted treats. So before you go indulging on your sweet tooth, you should inspect all your treats thoroughly.

Wash off all fruit before consumption, because surely you'd rather take that fruit home to eat instead of hurling it through the window of the bastard who gave it to you as a so-called treat instead of some delicious sugary candy. Also, be sure to leave in your plastic fangs while washing off your fruit. Trust me, it's a rule.

 

Have a parent inspect all the fruits and candies you procurred on your dangerous Halloween adventure. Then, because there's no real way to be sure if they're poisoned or not without actually tasting them, throw all your treats away. If you can take them out back and burn them afterwards, that's even better.

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP #4: ALMOST EVERY TREAT YOU RECEIVE ON HALLOWEEN WILL KILL YOU IF YOU EAT IT, SO IT'S PROBABLY BEST IF YOU JUST DON'T GO TRICK-OR-TREATING AT ALL.

Also, if you want to avoid being murdered while trick-or-treating at the homes of COMPLETE STRANGERS, tell them a joke and if they laugh, you'll be off the hook for a little while. If they don't laugh, however, you'll be on the hook... one of the many meat hooks hanging in their basement to be exact. They'll skin you alive and feast on your flesh, all because you couldn't get a few chuckles out of them with a cheesy one-liner.

Now don't you feel better? Don't you feel like you know how to be a safer person on Halloween? Just think how many kids will be dying around you while you're safe and sound because you took the time to read through this. Hell, every single one of those kids in your group are almost definitely going to die. But not you. Nope... you'll be just fine.


OR WILL YOU!? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Click below to watch parts 1 and 2 of the original 1977 "Halloween Safety" educational film!


part 1


part 2

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE READER COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!

 

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:


One Got Fat: A Bicycle Safety Film!

Reader Comments

grants but one wish
Oct 2nd, 2008, 05:54 AM
that was absolutely hillarious! 12 1/6 out of 5 poisoned halloween candies rog, where do you fid all these funny old saftey videos?
Last of the Time Lords
Oct 2nd, 2008, 07:18 AM
Nice. I can almost imagine this one intentionally being a comedy sketch.

"Mommy, I want to be a witch!"

"Alright dear, but no broom, it's too long and pointy. And that costume is too dark, wear a white one instead. And that mask will have to go. And that hat is too pointy. and that dress is too long. And you'll need some reflective tape. And a helmet. And we'd better wrap you in bubble wrap so that you won't get hurt. And some of that makeup is bad for your skin. And you can't eat any candy, because it'll all be poisoned. and you can't actually go out because some of the neighbors might be child molesters. Isn't Halloween fun?"
You'll thank me later...
Oct 2nd, 2008, 07:39 AM
Five shades of quality sir.
is twisted
Oct 2nd, 2008, 09:43 AM
When I think of 70s films, I think of either porn or horror. This is definitely not porn, so this must be the best potential 70s horror film ever. There are so many possibilities. Like when the girl is trying on the mask and the mother is looking at her, there should totally be a killer walking through the next room. Or when the door opens the costumed kids should attack and devour the surprised resident.
Doctor Caliente
Oct 2nd, 2008, 10:51 AM
My initial thought on that "Witch Costume" was more like KKK...
taco loving zombie
Oct 2nd, 2008, 10:51 AM
why is the black kid wanting to be white and the black girl painting herself to look like a hooker
1.21 Gigawatts!!!
Oct 2nd, 2008, 11:38 AM
Is it me, or when the witch takes a spill in the beginning does she have tons of prescription drugs fly out. I would probably have to be heavily medicated too if my mother tried to dress me up in a Klan outfit with reflective tape. Also, if I would have gotten fruit instead of candy on Halloween, there would be hell to pay.
is hopped up on goofballs
Oct 2nd, 2008, 12:51 PM
Holy crap there's a costume I hadn't thought of before...Burt Reynolds! I'm gonna be The Bandit this year when I give kids candy. I'm off to grow lots of chest hair!
Forum Virgin
Oct 2nd, 2008, 01:00 PM
Interesting. The white witch gettup looks more like a Klan outfit.
I like cheese.
Oct 2nd, 2008, 01:09 PM
So the kid goes trick-or-treating on Halloween and fails. By the time the mom has whipped up a whole new costume, it's like November 14th. Thanks mom!

Plus, I like how the film's advisor is a cop in New Jersey, while the kid's bag clearly shows that she's in Ohio. Even other states know to stay away from Ohio on Halloween!
Ms. Sorghum Molasses '82
Oct 2nd, 2008, 01:28 PM
Filthy Hirate Pooker
Oct 2nd, 2008, 01:30 PM
Holy crap, I totally remember watching this in Elementary school around Halloween in the late 80s/early 90s. Which just goes to show you how rarely my school ever updated their educational films. Watching it brought back a lot of memories....like how that "don't wear a mask on halloween, paint your face" totally messed up my Cookie Monster costume the first year we were forced to watch it.
Member
Oct 2nd, 2008, 01:40 PM
The Kid at 5:06 (pt 2) is probably the scariest kid I've seen in a long time
I am Johnny Luchador
Oct 2nd, 2008, 02:07 PM
I'm soooo FOLLOWING THE LEAD OF THE SAFE LITTLE PRINCESS THIS HALLOWEEN!
Member
Oct 2nd, 2008, 03:21 PM
I really like the idea of parents putting their address on your candy bag.... hey, if the kid dies at least somebody will return the bag, and Mom and Dad can gorge on candy in their grief.
is twisted
Oct 2nd, 2008, 03:55 PM
This was not the first time the white witch ran the streets...

Cell Regenerated Deadite
Oct 2nd, 2008, 04:20 PM
HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP #666 Never, ever, EVER, wear a mask made by Silver Shamrock.
Leo Getz
Oct 2nd, 2008, 05:23 PM
RoG, you forgot to add that the girls mother was writing the address on the bag with her left hand. That's a true witch's mother if I ever saw one.
Forgets Passwords Easily
Oct 2nd, 2008, 05:27 PM
What a bunch of fuckin Halloween Nazis
The Riddle Pimp
Oct 2nd, 2008, 08:33 PM
THANK YOU ROG!

Now I know what to do on Halloween! Nothing!
Egg faced Crow Eater
Oct 2nd, 2008, 09:30 PM
pretty good quality for a public service video surviving since the 70s. whats next, benny and the roids?
Fake Shemp
Oct 2nd, 2008, 10:27 PM
...and what exactly is spilling all over the street after little unsafe witch girl in black ensemble gets hit by the car...or trips...or whatever it is she's doing?

It kinda sorta almost looks like crack
Riot Control
Oct 2nd, 2008, 10:57 PM
That cat getting in the middle is epic. As for the other cat... I'm not sure all those years of training, secluded in the basement, have helped me in achieving such a creepy status.
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Oct 2nd, 2008, 11:32 PM
the world is crazy, thats why its far better once youre older and can go somewhere like Monster Massive or have good enough friends to host a halloween party.
Forum Virgin
Oct 2nd, 2008, 11:36 PM
I just happened to be listening to the song "Ghosts 1" by Nine Inch Nails, and it synchs up perfectly with part one of this video. Happenstance? I dont think so!
Forum Virgin
Oct 3rd, 2008, 02:19 AM
Am I the only one hallucinating on that red clown hopping around at the very end of the video?

I would also like to extend my deepest sympathies for the princess', as she probably has issues now because of this.
Forum Virgin
Oct 3rd, 2008, 04:19 AM
My favorite tip was putting your full name and address on your bag.. because you know that creepy pedophile stalking your kids needs to know your son or daughters full name and where he/she live.
pickled
Oct 3rd, 2008, 04:57 AM
Wow, that mom looks like an asshole.
OH GOD
Oct 3rd, 2008, 04:59 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cruxader View Post
My initial thought on that "Witch Costume" was more like KKK...
Quote:
Originally Posted by KrytenSyxx View Post
Interesting. The white witch gettup looks more like a Klan outfit.
YES AND SOMEONE ALREADY BEAT YOU TO NOTICING THIS, FOLKS
Riot Control
Oct 3rd, 2008, 12:42 PM
Is it me, or that woman playing as the little princess' mom looks a lot like Sarah Clarke?
Member
Oct 3rd, 2008, 05:14 PM
Is it me or was the KKK girls joke

Q
"What do ghosts eat for breakfeast"
A
"Ghost testes" WTF!!

Great video. That reminds me I need to go buy some razor blades and candy bars for Halloween this year, need to teach those damns kids to stay off my lawn and stop ringing my doorbell!
Oh, hi.
Oct 3rd, 2008, 07:14 PM
I can't even remember a year where I DIDN'T wear a black costume...
this year I'm being the BLU Sniper from TF2 for both a halloween party on campus and for Anime USA. I even got a bloody machete to frighten small children. =D
Forum Virgin
Oct 4th, 2008, 03:06 AM
Hahahahaha!!! Pause it a 1:00 in and see the look on raggity anns face as the football kid takes the last cookie. Priceless.
Member
Oct 4th, 2008, 12:10 PM
"two distinguished gentlemen that scoff at the poor and will gladly introduce you to their wild fisticuffs should you insult their honor!"

Seriously, the second kid looks like John L. Sullivan and I fully expected him to say "I can whup any SOB in the house!"

Ah, remembering to saw off your broom handles and swords. Always a tip top Halloween safety reminder!
MELTING WATCHES, GALA!
Oct 4th, 2008, 12:55 PM
I AM SO GOING AS SERIOUS CAT THIS YEAR.
Forum Virgin
Oct 4th, 2008, 05:43 PM
does that neighbourhood actually have any street lighting apart form that i tihnk iam gonig to grow myself some might fine set of whiskers
guts beer + metal
Oct 4th, 2008, 07:35 PM
The KKK took my baby away
Insane Writer
Oct 4th, 2008, 11:42 PM
God, I remember being shown those things in second grade. I never wore plastic masks only because they were stifling (and there were lottsa possiblities with face paint). I recall one year I went out in a costume that was basically a black cat outfit. Oh dear! How did I ever survive?
Forum Virgin
Oct 5th, 2008, 08:07 PM
Parents checking the candy for harmful things is a total lie. It was a scam parents started to get their hands the the best stuff.

"Ahem, little billy, I must check your candy for dangerous stuff... hmm let's see. Ohh these skittles look like they maybe have been opened, could be dangerous. Opp, and here's a snickers bar that feels a bit heavier than normal, maybe has a razor in it. That leaves you with tootsie rolls, smarties, and dum dums"
Forum Virgin
Oct 5th, 2008, 08:45 PM
"Centron" did this? That reminds me of one thing:

Crow T. Robot: A Centron production! Though we got the idea from someone else...cause we're cheating!
Who? Me?
Oct 6th, 2008, 06:11 PM
Hey! Let's not forget about all the used syringes people put in the candies they dish out!! Y'know, because people wishing to give kids herpes without actually molesting them are extremely common!! ^_^
The Geminate
Oct 6th, 2008, 06:46 PM
Oh come on who didn't steel their parents smokes and beer and hitch a ride to the 'rich' neighborhood to Trick or Treat? Who also hasn't peed themselves in terror after being invited into a house, just to be abducted by Satan worshipers for a few hours before finally escaping? What about vandalism? You know you deserve jail-time for all the crap you dished out to those wealthy snobs! Good times!
Forum Chaos Lord
Oct 8th, 2008, 02:38 AM
RoG is quite astute, really, in posting this video. It will reduce the casualties from Max playing "Child Bowling" with his Buick by at least 13%.
Forum Virgin
Oct 8th, 2008, 01:27 PM
"Don't stop in the middle of the street for any reason..."

Sorry, Angie, that you tripped on your too-long, pitch-black witch costume and fell in the middle of the street. The narrator said I can't stop for any reason so I guess you're gonna be roadkill.
Forum Virgin
Oct 8th, 2008, 08:19 PM
Man what the uber-polite narrator suggests for the witch drove me crazy.
"Let's make your black witch, white... annnnnnd put a giant reflective X on you... annnnnd replace your broom with a crappy cardboard one... annnnnnd get rid of your mask..... annnnd DONE. There. Now you're completely different from what you wanted to be for Halloween."

It's like the poor kid came out dressed like Darth Vader, and by the time they left the house they looked like Jar Jar Binks.
-sigh-

AllHallowSteve
halloweenaddict.com
Forum Virgin
Oct 16th, 2008, 12:49 AM
Unfreakinbelievable.....we used to watch this movie on a filmstrip projector EVERY year in elementary school before Halloween. Priceless review of a national treasure, keep up the good work.
Forum Virgin
Nov 6th, 2008, 01:44 AM
For some reason, the part that always gets me is that the video waits until nearly eight minutes in to bother mentioning the best and most useful Halloween safety tip, to bring your damn parents. But first let's CHOP HALF YOUR SWORD OFF! You'll poke your eye out, kid!
100% Regulator
Jul 6th, 2009, 06:50 PM
that one smiling man looks like Ted Bundy

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