Features

Hell Comes To Frogtown!
by: Dr. Boogie

What if there was a nuclear war? How many would perish in the initial blast? What would the survivors be forced to do to survive in the post-nuclear wasteland? Good questions all, but I have an even more interesting one for you: what if there was a nuclear war, and the only things that survived were frogs and misogyny? That, my friends, is a whole 'nother story. A story called "Hell Comes to Frogtown."

By now, I'm sure you're wondering what this movie is about. The cover tells us that former pro-wrestler and Academy Award-snubbed actor "Rowdy" Roddy Piper plays a character named Sam Hell, and that there are giant gun-toting frogs, but why is everyone wearing ratty clothes? In short, there was a nuclear war.

The narrator explains the cause quite succinctly:


"In the latter days of the 20th century, there arose a difference of opinions."

Ah, that explains it. This sort of understatement does little to set the tone for a movie about Roddy Piper and anthropomorphic frogs. Nevertheless, I can't argue that a nuclear war probably did come as the result of a difference of opinions. Probably over whether dogs or cats are the better pet.

And now we meet our first two characters: a beekeeper, and a man listed in the credits as "the poor dufus". The beekeeper is admiring a Statue of Liberty souvenir when TPD attacks him from behind, steals his statue, and calls him "squid lips". Will this duo serve as comic relief to offset the horror of the promised Frogtown hell?

No, no they aren't.

Determined to reclaim his lost dignity, the insulted beekeeper draws his weapon and aims it at TPD. TPD, in turn, explains that there is a law against "greeners" owning guns. The beekeeper responds by shooting him in the chest.

And so, with his adversary defeated, the beekeeper stands up and proudly declares:

"Ribbit"? Could it be that he was actually a frogman? Is that what we were meant to take away from him being called a "greener"? Is it really that big of a reveal since we saw that there are frogmen of some sort on the movie's cover/poster?

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. What we've got here is a movie with Rowdy Roddy Piper as the main character. Is failure an option? I don't think so.

He plays the role of Sam Hell (get it?), and right off the bat, we see that he is both wanted, and captured. No doubt our post-apocalyptic hero has been bagged by the underlings of some sinister governmental figure for trying to help the little people.

Nah, I'm just kidding. He was wanted to sexual assault.

His interrogator is one Captain Devlin, an army man who is somewhat upset about Sam calling his daughter a liar. Can't say I really blame him for smashing a bottle over Sam's head, or threatening to castrate him with that same bottle, but believe it or not, Sam is the good guy in this movie.

Sam's impending castration is interrupted by a pair of nurses from Med Tech, a powerful medical research company. They have good news for Sam: the woman he was accused of raping changed her story when she found out she was pregnant. Now hearing that, you'd think that this was going to be a very depressing movie. Sam is the hero, I swear.

Anyway, the big nurse explains that Sam is one of the few non-sterile men roaming the wasteland, and because of that, the government has authorized Med Tech to take him. Worse yet, Devlin has been reassigned to the border because of his "reputation". I guess Sam's isn't the first head he's busted a bottle over.

Devlin tries to get a parting stab on Sam, but the spindly nurse flips him. He gets back on his feet and delivers this touching farewell address:


"Some people think women are running too many things."

Oh movie, you've given us two great male characters. Don't make me choose between them!

Back at Med Tech HQ, Sam is relishing in his newfound freedom. The head nurse explains that Med Tech's chief responsibility is to "locate and impregnate fertile women in the wastelands." And Sam, well, he's "quite popular with the ladies" because "you've left a string of pregnancies everywhere you've been." It all seems like one big load (no pun intended), and even Sam can't believe what he's hearing. Nevertheless, he's willing to sign whatever they put in front of him if it'll mean a clean criminal record. There's just one hitch:

Looking down, Sam realizes that not only has he put his robe on backwards, but he's wearing some kind of plastic chastity belt. The head nurse explains that the belt has an electronic lock, and only the med techs at Med Tech have the code to unlock it. Sam wonders how it will affect his ability to do the deed, but the spindly nurse assures him, "there's a flap".

Elsewhere, the spindly nurse is watching a black and white broadcast about a bunch of people kidnapped by "armed greeners". The guns, the announcer explains, came from somewhere near Frogtown, but from whom, they can't say. As the poor dufus in the introduction informed us, greeners having guns is a big no-no, but this doesn't really have anything to do with Med Tech's national impregnation tour, does it?

Apparently it does, but more on that later. A fully-dressed (and chafing) Sam Hell is escorted to the motor pool to see the Med Tech bang bus he'll be traveling in:

Lucky for him, he'll be traveling in one of their low visibility models. The spindly nurse (who we learn is named "Spangle") will be accompanying him, along with a greasy-haired soldier named "Centinella".

Centinella will be providing support in case they run into any dangerous bandits, bloodthirsty mutants, or former lovers of Sam's that weren't crazy about him getting them pregnant and skipping town.

And so the trio departs. Perhaps they chose a pink van because frogs are colorblind, but only to the color pink. I think I read that somewhere.

The first bump in the road comes when they're forced to cross the border to... somewhere. The road takes them to a lone toll booth in the middle of the desert manned by a couple of bored teenagers and, incredibly...

Captain Devlin, aka the angry army guy who wants at least two of the three people in the van dead. Spangle tries to play off the awkward meeting, but Devlin is quick to point off that he could easily have his men kill Sam and Spangle and say that the "greeners" did it. Fortunately, Centinella on the machine gun swings the argument more in their favor, and the group passes through. Didn't Med Tech realize they were sending one of their valuable assets on a route that bypassed a recently uprooted army man with an axe to grind? Between that and their inconspicuous transportation, the company doesn't seem to be that well run.

Sam takes note of their run-in with the father who wanted to skip the shotgun wedding and go straight to a shotgun funeral. Spangle explains that their destination is Frogtown, where they will rescue fertile women who were kidnapped by the diabolical Commander Toty. Sam asks why the mutants would kidnap human females. I had an answer in mind already, but Spangle assures him that they are for ransom.

Spangle explains their plan:


"We're gonna get them out, then you're gonna get them pregnant."

The plan's genius lies in its simplicity.

Sam isn't entirely on board with Spangle's plan, in spite of all the government-sponsored boning he could be looking forward to in the future. That's why, when they stop to gas up, enacts a brilliant plan of his own: pretend to take a leak, then run like hell. As he crests the first hill, things are looking up. All of a sudden, his belt gives off four short beeps. Turns out, four short beeps is Morse code for...

Spangle arrives shortly thereafter to lay out the rest of the belt's features, apart from the electronic lock and sex flap:

-There's a one ounce charge of plastic explosive that will detonate if the device is tampered with.

-A device in her right earring will trigger an "electronic stinger" in the belt when it goes beyond a certain point, and is deactivated with a button press.

-A device in her left earring works as a directional finder that will lead her to her errant manslave (assuming his screaming doesn't do that already).

So now we know everything about what's going on down there. Except why Sam is wearing a loincloth over his jeans.

Fast forward a couple hours and the team is making camp. Sam has had a long, hard day of having his crotch juiced up with electricity. A flattened sleeping bag on the dry, craggy ground is bound to look pretty inviting right about now. Spangle, however, has other ideas...

Clad in some kind of piecemeal army bikini, she puts on a very awkward display of her bony frame. Sam, having felt the sting of her magic earring, isn't about to hop into bed with this devious skeleton. At least not until she asks him a second time, at which point he is subjected to more...

She explains that it's all part of keeping his potency up. Keep your man ready for sex by getting him to associate arousal with severe pain. Makes perfect sense to me.

But Spangle isn't the only one with lovin' on the mind.

Centinella sneaks over to get a sample of Roddy's Piper. There's some initial confusion about how to get around the belt, but as Sam is quick to point out, "there's a flap". She's able to get a couple mouthfuls of Sam's hairy chest before Spangle shows up. The threat of more genital electrocution quickly sours the mood. For some reason, the thought of Sam doing another woman makes Spangle really gaunt... I mean, pouty.

There's still more of Hell Comes To Frogtown to see!
Click here to continue onward to page 2!

 

Reader Comments

Crazed Techno-Biologist
Mar 23rd, 2010, 04:03 AM
horse shit indeed. It had all the makings of something both awful and terrible but it all just got wasted, what a shame. =/
Clap if you love Dynamo
Mar 23rd, 2010, 07:47 AM
His 'esoteric judo move' is an often used move in his wrestling matches too
Turrican't. :(
Mar 23rd, 2010, 10:24 AM
Awesomely strange, yet strangely awesome.
SKATASTIC
Mar 23rd, 2010, 10:30 AM
NYUK NYUL NYUK.

Piper does make one of the best faces ever when he gets hit in the junk. Every man on earth can feel that pain resonating within them from that face.
Pickled Patriarch
Mar 23rd, 2010, 01:50 PM
CRIPPLING BALL PAIN!!!
The Magnificent Bastard
Mar 23rd, 2010, 02:30 PM
I caught this movie on the Sci-Fi Channel a few years back, and I've been waiting for you to review it ever since.

You did not disappoint! :D
Freak Power
Mar 23rd, 2010, 02:38 PM
Isn't Spangle the same broad from the first "Conan" flick? Conan's 'wife' I beleieve...

Good Lord in Heaven where did you find such an ODIOUS movie? Tellin' ya, it rates right up there with the "Troma Team" movies of the mid 80s. If you keep this up, why not review "Class of Nuke'em High" or the ever classic "Surf Nazis Must Die" because if y'all are gonna wade into shit, it may as well be the full out open cinamatic cesspool...
the axe and the smasher
Mar 23rd, 2010, 06:48 PM
They used to show this movie often on local channels. At the time I swore it was the best movie ever, kinda do still for different reasons.
Ancient Mariner
Mar 23rd, 2010, 08:48 PM
I saw both sequels
Funky Dynamite
Mar 23rd, 2010, 10:48 PM
There was a third sequel.
Strange blob from beyond
Mar 24th, 2010, 05:18 AM
I have this on VHS somewhere. Time to dig it out, or could this have a Doc mock tie in?
Member
Mar 24th, 2010, 07:32 AM
I think I remember watching this on "Up all Night" one time. I think I was more amused by the fact that it was Roddy Piper in the movie than anything else.
Banned
Mar 24th, 2010, 11:34 AM
i don't really remember ......
I am Johnny Luchador
Mar 24th, 2010, 02:26 PM
I remember watching the Series of Frog Towns. Each one I kept on waiting, and waiting for Greg the Hammer Valentine, Ricky Steamboat, Ric Flair, Jimmy Snukka, or even the Hulkster who he'd had notable feuds with to be part of one of these films. Unfortunately, IT never happened. It also made me want to grow up to be a rapist like Piper.
I am Johnny Luchador
Mar 24th, 2010, 02:35 PM
yea, speaking of Doc Mock, you guys should show this flick. Would save me from having to find it on netflix or somewhere on the internet searching for hours to see pipers crippling ball pain moments.
pickled
Mar 24th, 2010, 04:05 PM
Who wouldn't bang a giant frog girl?
Forum Virgin
Mar 24th, 2010, 05:33 PM
Thanks for getting back to the long reviews! I really dig it!
Riot Control
Mar 25th, 2010, 02:28 AM
So the postapocalyptic world is not one where you have to avoid a horde of zombies or the chaos of dwindling resources, but rather one where the main objective is to get captured by a bunch of ladies and bang them? I'm in.
Forum Virgin
Mar 25th, 2010, 04:38 PM
I picked up my copy of the DVD in the Bartel Drugs bargain bin (you can find all sorts of sweet movies in there). It's so cheap that the opening menu screen only has one button to select, and that ones labeled "STRAT".
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Mar 26th, 2010, 06:02 AM
If you guys are gonna review movies this bad, then you need to review Captain America. It came out in 1990 (I think), looks like it was filmed in the 70's, and may be even worse than 3 Dev Adam. Let me put it this way: it doesn't turn Spider-man into a multipying villian, but it does turn Captain America into a car-jacker and a total pussy. Oh, and it's horrendously stupid.
Smooth Operator
Mar 26th, 2010, 05:55 PM
A few years back a co-worker and I were talking about movies when he proclaimed Hell comes to Frogtown to be the worst movie he's ever seen. As soon as I found out the plot, and that "Rowdy" Roddy Piper was the the star, I knew I had to see it. Luckily I found a copy on DVD(who would have thought) fairly cheap on amazon. I remember watching for the first time and wondering what amount, of what variety of drugs did the screenplay writer have to ingest to cook up this plot.
Crippling ball pain indeed.
Riot Control
Mar 26th, 2010, 11:27 PM
If a post-apocalyptic world is not one where I'm fighting to survive from a ravaging horde of zombies or the scarcity of food, but where I live to bang women then I'm in.
aint nobody
Mar 27th, 2010, 05:39 PM
saw this years back, one of the sequels too

eh, think i'll pass on seeing this stuff again
Member
Mar 28th, 2010, 07:18 PM
I remember they were showing They Live on TBS one night, and they were interviewing Piper before/after the commercials (I really miss shows doing cool stuff like this). He was asked what the worst movie he's ever made was, and he said Hell Comes to Frogtown. Given his track record, ouch.
The Magnificent Bastard
Mar 31st, 2010, 06:12 PM
I cannot believe there are sequels!
Forum Virgin
Oct 26th, 2010, 02:55 PM
Oh God, this movie seems like heaven. Atomic explosions, sex crazed nurses, professional wrestlers and mutant frogs! I am a big Carpenter fan, and I have never seen this, I will have to remedy that soon.
Forum Virgin
Oct 26th, 2010, 03:36 PM
What I meant was "a big Piper fan" not Carpenter. Carpenter did direct Roddy in the masterpiece "They Live" my mind farted and stunk up the message board, I am a huge Carpenter fan though. Sorry

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