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Hollywood Cemetery!
by: Protoclown

There's a really amazing cemetery in Richmond, VA called Hollywood Cemetery that looks like it's right out of a horror movie, or perhaps a slightly watered down version of something you might find in New Orleans. There are two US Presidents buried there, James Monroe and John Tyler, so you know that a lot of these graves and mausoleums date back a significant number of years.

So getting into the Halloween spirit of things, I called up my trusty photographer Rachael and we headed off to the cemetery to piss off and disturb the rest of as many undead spirits as we could find! (And if there are any undead spirits out there reading this, I dunno, maybe over somebody's shoulder or something, this is a joke! Please don't give me a "Large Marge" style scare and send me packing for the Underworld!).

One of the coolest things about Hollywood Cemetery is that it's absolutely huge, and a lot of the historical tombstones are insanely large and elaborate. There are probably as many ornate obelisks reaching into the sky as there are normal sized tombstones, which all just goes to show you that this ain't your daddy's cemetery. Unless your father is actually buried there, in which case I suppose it technically is his cemetery, and now I feel sort of awkward and obligated to offer my condolences.

One of my other favorite things about Hollywood Cemetery is the fact that most of the graves are actually placed on fairly steep hills. Which for some reason, lends itself to the image of zombies clawing up out of their dirt prisons so much more readily than the mundane flat cemeteries you can find just anywhere. BUT—I get ahead of myself! As you can see from the following picture, we haven't even entered the cemetery yet!

You can thank your lucky stars you can't get a closer look at me "gothing it up" in front of the Cemetery Gates (hey Smiths fans! That's your cue to start up the song of the same name, so you have appropriate musical accompaniment for our little graveyard adventure... OOOoooOOOOOooooh SPoooOOky!), but with the gates being as far apart as they are, that's the best we could do. You don't like it? Fucking crucify me, why don't ya?

Shortly after we entered, we encountered this twisted bench resting on a rather steeply inclined hill. As if the gnarled frame of the thing itself wasn't enough of a deterrent to sitting on it, you'd have to actually hang onto it in order to avoid rolling off the side. I couldn't help but wonder if this was some erstwhile carpenter zombie's feeble attempt at craftsmanship. Fearing it may be cursed however, I refused to sit on it (also I didn't want sharp jagged edges poking into my bum).

There's this really awesome dog statue next to this one little girl's grave, and people leave her little gifts all the time. It's actually quite sad, apparently she died fairly young and her pet dog died soon after, so they had the dog statue made to stand guard over her in the afterlife as well. But guard her from WHAT, I ask you? There is only one answer, and you damn well know what it is: zombies.

There is a GIGANTIC pyramid over in the Confederate soldiers' section of the cemetery, and if you want to get an idea of how big it is, that's me standing next to it in the little white circle at the bottom. I'm sure some foolish kids have tried to climb the thing, because we saw a large stick wedged in between the rocks fairly high up along its side. My guess is the first poor sucker to pull that stick out is going to have the entire pyramid collapsing on top of him.

Right next to the pyramid in the Confederates section is a Civil War cannon. I can only think of ONE good reason that this thing would be here in the cemetery, and I think you know what I'm getting at. Starts with a "Z"? Ends in "ombies"? Yeah.

Then Rachael wanted a turn on the cannon, and though I tried to convince her that this isn't like one of those "horsey" or "spaceship" rides you can buy for a quarter outside the grocery store, she didn't seem to believe me.

From there it was off to the newer section of the Cemetery, where we wanted to look at specific tombstones and see if we could find anything amusing.

I'm sorry, California, but I'm afraid your governor appears to be dead. Which means there's been some kind of doppelganger in office for some time! A ZOMBIE DOPPELGANGER! Or wait, if it's a zombie, I guess that'd really be him and not a doppelganger. Unless it's really THE DOPPELGANGER THAT'S DEAD!

This one really wasn't all that interesting...

But this one was! To someone, anyway. Definitely not to me.

Hey, their last name would have been just as funny if they were still alive. But then of course, they'd have to be wearing a sign around their neck, or perhaps a nametag, for the picture you see, and then it just wouldn't make any sense at all.


I was a bit confused here. Are they brothers or is their last name Brothers, which is kind of a weird last name, but then again one of them was obviously female so she'd be a sister so maybe it should say Siblings?

I don't know quite what to make of this one. I mean, was somebody trying to be funny about their dead loved one, or were they actually calling the rest of the family a bunch of skeptic assholes here? Either way, it's kind of strange.

Then of course you have the ones that have bizarre pictures drawn on the tombstone. Apparently this guy was a truck driver. But did it really define his life so much that he wanted people 500 years from now to see that tombstone and remember him as a truck driver?

And this guy evidently liked golf. If people these days are getting their interests tattooed all over their tombstone, you can expect mine to have comic book characters like Captain America and Batman engraved on it.

And take a look at the dates on this one. Apparently this person lived for roughly THREE-HUNDRED YEARS!! See, all that shit in the Bible where people lived for 900 years really IS true! REPENT, SINNERS!

We saw a giant boulder that just had the word WALKER carved into its top, and the only thing I could think of was that such a grave would truly be fitting for Walker, Texas Ranger. Although I personally believe that Chuck Norris's grave is actually going to have strippers dancing on it 24/7.

These graves just have that PERFECT "Halloween" look. The way they're shaped, the way some of them sit a bit crooked. It looks way too much like something out of the "Thriller" video. I believe this is where the zombies will first emerge and dance their way across the land.

Will Protoclown be eaten alive by bloodthirsty, brain-craving zombies?
Click to continue to page 2 of
the Hollywood Cemetery story!

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