movies about snowmen who come to life through magic so that they can play
with all of the happy little children and then there's Jack Frost. Jack
Frost is a movie about a snowman - a mutant killer snowman to be exact. At
the time this flick came out, I was working at a local video store. A-Pix
Entertainment sent us some promotional hologram cards that showed Jack
Frost "the happy snowman" turning into Jack Frost "the psycho snowman with
razor-blade teeth." (I still have those holograms actually, and it's a
good thing too, cuz they were too cheap to reproduce them for the eventual
DVD release of the film.) As you can imagine, I was already sold on the
film being one of the greatest horror-comedies of our time. The day we got
the movie in, I put it on and was happy to see that A-Pix hadn't let me
down... this truly was a cheesy independent masterpiece. But we'll get
into the details of the movie soon enough.
like to share a quick gag with you that I would play on our video store
customers. For any of you other there that work in a video store or who
have friends working in a video store, I suggest you write this down.
Shortly after the killer snowman version of Jack Frost came out, Michael
Keaton's happy "Jack Frost" family movie came out. The timing was just too
perfect. Two movies with the exact same title yet two very
different plots. So the gag is pretty simple. Take any copy of the killer
Jack Frost movie and put it inside the box of the Jack Frost family movie.
Just imagine the faces of the kids as they watch the happy snowman killing
people left and right all because the parents assumed what they rented was
a family movie. The gag was easy and parents did come in to complain about
how they rented the wrong movie and it scared the shit out of their kids.
So yeah, get to work all of you video store hooligans!
get started with my in-depth look at Jack Frost. It all starts in
Frost is your basic serial killer who evaded the law for years and years
all while killing a good number of people. But now he's been caught in the
town of Snowmonton, also known as "The Snowman Capitol of the Midwest" -
even though the place doesn't really exist. Damnit, it should exist though
shouldn't it? Somebody build me a town called Snowmonton and I"ll come
visit it I swear. Anyway, Jack is riding in the back of a state execution
transfer vehicle and come midnight they're gonna give him the chair.
The guard who is in the back with him doesn't wanna share a cigarette with
Jack. Didn't anybody ever teach him to share? Well, Jack sure did just now
by crushing the guy's windpipe underneath his boot. 'Tis the season...
the prisoner transfer vehicle collides with an oncoming genetic research
materials truck and Jack Frost is jettisoned out the rear-end. It looks as
though he's going to get away and start a new killing spree all over again
when the fire from the accident causes the genetic liquids to burst right
into Jack's face.
overacting, Jack's melted body collapses into the snow. Personally, I
would've taken the chair over being slowly melted by an untested acidic
solution, though I suppose he didn't have much choice in the matter. But,
this isn't the end of ol' Jack. You see, after his flesh is done melting,
his blood is actually absorbed into the snow - and through some superb
cartoonish animation, we see actually his molecules combine with the snow.
Yep, Jack is
now a new life form. And by the looks of it, that life form is a writhing
person in a white blanket under a pile of snow. But hey, let's cut the
director some slack... they were obviously working with a very low budget
here. So yeah, I don't see a guy under a blanket there do you? Nope, all I
see is snow that's magically moving as if it had a life of its own! Wow!
time. As I said before, Jack Frost was a successful serial killer for a
few years until he got sloppy and a small-town sheriff by the name of Sam
happened to catch Jack while he was taking a piss. Jack was quickly
convicted and sentenced to death, but he promised sheriff Sam that he'd
come back. "I'LL FIND A WAY! I'LL TEAR YOUR TOWN APART! I'LL KILL YOUR
FAMILY! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU'RE DEAD!!!" Chilling words from a cold-blooded
killer in a winter wonderland named Snowmonton.
Now Sam is a
simple man. He lives a simple life in a simple town. He's got a simple
wife, and a son who... well... a son who is simply insane. He comes off as
one of those kids who have been so pampered in life that they weren't even
allowed to watch an episode of Double Dare because it was too risqué. In
his spare time, he enjoys cooking everything he can find in the kitchen
(and elsewhere) to make treats for his family to eat. Well, they don't
actually eat the stuff, they just smile and nod and try to humor the kid
while probably wishing they had just gotten a dog instead.
may be "The Snowman Capitol of the Midwest" but it sure doesn't have a lot
of snow. In fact, it looks as though the place is really "The White
Plastic Shavings Capitol of the Midwest" if you catch my drift. Most of
the snow you'll see in this film is fake. Again, I'm sure filming in a
place with an abundance of real snow was a bit much for the $57.36
budget that this movie had. Anyway, everybody is preparing for the snowman
building competition and it is here that we meet some of the good
townsfolk. First, there's Jake and his wife. While his wife is always
happy with her head in the clouds (because she's completely insane), Jake
seems to be pretty damned miserable. Then there's their two kids Billy and
Jill. Billy is basically the local bully who thinks he's a complete badass
- in other words, this is a horror movie and that means he's going to die.
And yep, Jill is played by Shannon Elizabeth before she became famous for
her part in the "American Pie" movies. Sadly, her role in this movie is
worthy of more respect than her later ones. There's also Tommy, who plays
the horny teenage guy" role as he builds a snowman (er plasticshavingsman)
with breasts. He's also got a great joke.
sheriff, what's the difference between snow men and snow women? SNOW
The other guy we meet is Paul. He seems to be the guy who carries all the
supplies that the town needs to handle snow. Snowshovels, salt, ammo, the
works. Throughout the entire movie, he's constantly giving a sales pitch
to everybody promising to give them "20% off!" on all merchandise. Work
those rubes Paul, work 'em!
Back at the
sheriff's office, Sam is greeted by his secretary Marla. She has a grim
look on her face. "What'd somebody die?" Sam asks, and then she holds up a
note that simply reads: "SOMEBODY DIED." Man, I bet every successful
person in the business world wants a secretary that is detail-oriented
like that. That must be what they pay Marla the big bucks for. It turns
out Old Man Harper was killed sometime last night. There were no
footprints in the snow and no sign of a struggle, but his neck was clearly
snapped back. I wonder who or what could've caused this?
home, Sam's wife returns with some groceries and notices an unfinished
snowman sitting in their driveway. She pulls out some carrots for her son
Ryan so he can go give that snowman a proper face. Actually, it's really
just a ploy to get him the hell out of her kitchen so the little bastard
iron chef doesn't make any more messes. All is going well as he works on
his snowman until Billy the bully shows up.
Ryan to move out of his way so he can go sledding and then slices off the
head of his snowman. But hey, what goes around comes around. The snowman (ie:
Jack Frost) comes to life and knocks down Billy just as one of his friends
is riding by on the sled. The sled blade is headed straight for Billy's
off with Billy's head in an instant. "Holy Moly! Ryan killed Billy!" one
of the other kids on the sleds screams in terror because he obviously
didn't see Jack Frost come to life and trip Billy. The director show some
real class here too as we see a shot of Billy's head being carried away by
the coroner in a bloody bag separate from the body. It's the little
details like that which make all the difference. Billy's father Jake
starts arguing with Sam about how his kid is "touched by the devil."
Nobody believes Ryan's story about the killer snowman. "I didn't do it,
the snowman pushed him!" Sure he did Ryan... sure he did.
night, Jake gets in an argument with his daughter, Jill. It's a very
"Jesus dad, I loved Billy!"
Jake: "Do not be forsaking the lord's name in my house little
Jill: "The lord forsook this house long ago!"
That shut his ass up real quick. Daaaaaaaamn. Time to go cool off, Jake.
heated argument, Jake goes out for a smoke and meets up with good ol' Jack
Frost. Jack asks him for a smoke and Jake responds by wielding an axe,
ready to chop down this "christ-loathing dog" as he calls him. From now on
I'm going to call all my enemies "christ-loathing dogs", it has a nice
ring to it, yes? Well, Jack shoves that axe into Jake's face...
handle-side first! Definitely not the kind of typical axe-killing you'd
expect from a psycho snowman. And then we here one of Jack's many great
one-liners: "Hey, I only Axed you for a smoke!" He's already giving
Freddy Krueger a run for his money here.
trickles his way inside the house to kill off Jake's wife. Being a big fan
of the festive holiday lights that she is, Jack decides to make her part
of the festivities. First he chokes her with a string of colored Christmas
lights. Sure, I would have preferred my all-time favorite,
but when it comes to killing... I guess any lights will do.
Then, to add
insult to injury (or just injury to injury), Jack shoves a glass ornament
into her mouth and then smashes her jaws shut on it. Obviously, she still
isn't in a very festive mood, so he repeatedly shoves her face into a box
of the ornaments.
Ah! There we
go! Now she's really in the holiday spirit! Earlier in the film she told
her husband that she always dreamed of being the angel on the Christmas
tree. Well honey, your dream has come true thanks to a mutant killer
snowman by the name of Jack Frost. I hope you'll be nice enough to at
least send him a Christmas card to say thanks.
After one of
Sam's deputies finishes making bad jokes about the dead body ("You don't
reckon we should leave her up for the 12 days of Christmas?") while eating
Pez candy from a snowman dispenser, the sheriff heads back to his office
and meets up with the FBI badass-wannabe named Agent Manners. I'm sorry,
you can act as tough as you want, but it's not gonna be all too convincing
while you're wearing a turtleneck. He's basically a guy who has a big
"holier than thou" attitude towards all of the people in town. Nice
manners, agent Manners. Anyway, him and his pal "Agent Stone" are tracking
the murders because they're convinced it's Jack Frost. They test a puddle
of water that was left on the ground at the murder scene and it's just as
they thought - this thing is able to latently alternate its elemental
structure! Er, he can change from snow to a puddle of water and then
re-freeze himself again. That's how he got inside the house to kill Jake's
being able to melt at will, Jack Frost catches the wise-cracking deputy
off guard on his way back to the crime scene. The deputy goes to get a
shovel from his trunk to move the snowman off the middle of the road, but
when he returns, all that's left is the stop sign in a puddle. Jack
re-freezes himself inside the deputy's car and then runs him over. Yeah
yeah, I know... "Snowmen don't have feet! How could he step on the gas!?"
Well, snowmen don't usually have arms or homicidal impulses either, but
that didn't stop them from making this movie now did it? Shaddap.
THAT HE HAS A POLICE CAR, WILL JACK FROST TURN OVER A NEW LEAF AND BECOME
A MUTANT CRIME FIGHTING SNOWMAN OF JUSTICE? WILL HE DIE IN A HORRIFIC
SNOWMAN DRAG RACING ACCIDENT? OR WILL HE JUST KILL OFF SOME MORE
INCREDIBLY BAD ACTORS?
CONTINUE TO PAGE 2 TO FIND OUT!
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