As if
their Halloween soda flavors weren't crazy enough, Jones Soda has
unleashed not one but two different holiday packs this year. And
ironically, the holiday pack flavors are actually FAR more
scary than the Halloween ones could ever hope to be. These sodas are
the things that dares are made out of. You don't drink them with the
intention of having a tasty meal, you drink them to see whether or not
you can withstand carbonated drinks with flavors like "Brussels
Sprouts" and "Smoked Salmon Paté". It is with this in mind
that we here at I-Mockery are thankful to have some in-house Extreme
Beverage Testers who will gladly take these sodas on without thinking
twice about it. Keep in mind, the EBT's are professionals and claim to
have been testing beverages since infancy. So we now turn over the
Jones Soda 2005 Regional & National Holiday Packs taste test
over to J-Dawg and Skeeter - EXTREME BEVERAGE TESTERS!
SKEETER: "WELL WELL WELL, IT
LOOKS LIKE THE EXTREME BEVERAGE TESTERS HAVE TO TAKE ON YET ANOTHER
DRINK THAT'S FAR TOO WICKED FOR YOUR AVERAGE CIVILIAN TO INGEST!"
J-DAWG: "THAT'S RIGHT, SKEET-O-RAMA!
THOSE WUSSES CAN'T HANDLE THE EXTREME POWER OF THE GNARLY JONES
BEVERAGES LIKE WE CAN!"
SKEETER: "YOU COULDN'T BE MORE
RIGHT IF YOU CHOPPED OFF YOUR LEFT ARM, J-DAWG! BUT TODAY WE'VE GOT A NEW EXTREME TESTER A
RAP-TAP-TAPPIN' AT OUR DOOR! LET'S GO SEE WHO IT IS AND WHAT HE'S COME
TO BRING US!"
J-DAWG: "LET'S THROW OPEN THAT
EGRESS AND SEE WHO'S COME A'CALLIN'!"
SKEETER: "WHOAH!! BUSTIN'
OUT THE THESAURUS ON US THERE! FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT IN THE EXTREME
FOLD, AN EGRESS IS A DOORWAY. A DOORWAY TO ADVENTURE AND AS YOU
CAN CLEARLY SEE! WE EVEN OPEN UP OUR DOOR IN ONLY THE MOST EXTREME WAYS!"
BODHI: "WHASSUP, BROSEPHS? IT'S
ME, BODHI - THE DUDE WHO'S NEVER SUBDUED! JUST GOT BACK FROM A WICKED
SKYDIVING JAUNT IN EASTERN BOLIVIA AND THOUGHT I'D DROP BY WITH THESE
CARBONATED CARCINOGENS FOR A TEST DRIVE! SO LET'S GOBBLE DOWN
FOR A BENCH-CLEARING BRAWL ON OUR TASTE BUDS!"
SKEETER: "SO LET ME GET THIS
STRAIGHT, YOU'RE TELLIN' ME YOU'VE BROUGHT BOTH THE 2005 JONES SODA
NATIONAL AND REGIONAL HOLIDAY PACKS? MY FRIEND, MY COMPADRE,
MY WINGMAN... THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHAT WE REFER TO AS EXTREME
GENEROSITY! WELCOME TO THE FOLD BROHEM!"
J-DAWG: "INDEED! YOU HAVE
BROUGHT US A VERITABLE BOUNTY OF BUBBALICIOUS BEVERAGES, BODHI, OR
SHOULD I SAY BRODHI! LET'S GET THIS TASTE TESTIN' PARTY STARTED, TO
THE MAX!"
TASTE TEST #1 - TURKEY & GRAVY
SKEETER: "KEEP THE HOME FIRES
'A BURNIN', BECAUSE POPPA'S COMING HOME WITH SOME LIQUID DINNER
THAT HE JUST HUNTED DOWN IN THE MIGHTY FORESTS OF ELYSIUM! WE MAY HAVE
TAKEN THIS EXTREME LAND FROM THE INDIANS BACK IN THE DAY, BUT
THERE WOULD'VE BEEN MUCH LESS BLOODSHED HAD WE JUST GIVEN THEM A
TASTE OF THIS LIQUEFIED TURKEY! THEY WOULD'VE PACKED THEIR BAGS
AND HEADED FOR THE NORDIC SHORES OF NEVERMORE! ANY DRINK THAT CAN
DRIVE A MAN FROM HIS TEEPEE HAS GOTTA BE PRETTY WICKED!"
CONCLUSION: "I GIVE THIS BAD BOY
5 DEMOLITION DERBIES OUT OF 10!"
J-DAWG:
"I
TELL YOU WHAT, I LOVES ME SOME TURKEY, AND THIS SODA WAS
TURKEYTASTIC LIKE NOTHING I'VE EVER TASTED! I COULD TASTE THE
GRAVY ROLLING OFF MY CHIN AND I NEEDED A BIB TO SOAK UP THAT
LEFTOVER GOODNESS AND SAVE IT FOR LATER! BUT ALAS, I WAS BIBLESS!
THIS WASN'T HALF AS SATISFYING AS IF I HAD WRUNG THE TURKEY OUT
MYSELF OVER THE BOTTLE AND MADE MY OWN HOMEMADE VERSION THOUGH!"
CONCLUSION: "I GIVE THIS SIX AND
A THIRD DISGRUNTLED POSTAL WORKERS OUT OF 13.5!"
BODHI:
"THE MURKY BROWNISH COLOR REMINDS ME OF THE AFTERMATH OF MY LAST
VISIT TO TIJUANA, MEXICO - AND BELIEVE ME, IT ISN'T ANY PRETTIER
WHEN IT'S COMING OUT THE OTHER END. THEY SAY EATING TURKEY
MAKES YOU SLEEPY, BUT AFTER JUST A MOUTHFUL OF THIS FETID POULTRY
JUICE I'M STILL COCKED AND LOADED!"
CONCLUSION:
"I GIVE THIS DEAD BIRD 4 WHIPLASHED NECKS OUT OF 10!"
TASTE TEST #2 - WILD HERB STUFFING
SKEETER: "I AM NOW STUFFED
WITH THE WILDEST OF HERBS AND THEY'RE DANCING THE FORBIDDEN DANCE
AS THEY PUT MY ESOPHAGEAL FORTITUDE TO THE ULTIMATE TEST! AND WHEN
THOSE BAD BOYS SLAMMED RIGHT INTO MY GULLET, I WAS DOWN BUT NOT
OUT! HAD THESE BEEN NORMAL HERBS, I'D RECOMMEND IT TO ANYBODY, BUT
THESE ARE WILD HERBS AND CAN ONLY BE TAMED BY THE INNER
BEAST!"
CONCLUSION: "HAVE YOU EVER
DANCED WITH THE DEVIL BY THE PALE MOONLIGHT? 2 OUT OF 17
SELF-PERFORMED SKIN GRAFTS!"
J-DAWG:
"I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YA, I WAS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED BY
HOW WILD THIS SODA WAS NOT. AFTER SUCH A BUILD-UP INSCRIBED
ON THE SIDE OF THE BOTTLE, THE LEAST I EXPECTED WERE SOME
EXPLOSIONS AS IT RACED DOWN MY THROATPIPES, BUT NO--NOT EVEN A
NINJA ATTACK ON MY LARYNX! AND "STUFFED" WAS NOT SOMETHING I FELT
EVEN REMOTELY AFTER SLOSHING THIS DOWN!"
CONCLUSION: "THIS ONE GETS 23 MILLION
GRANDMA-KNITTED QUILTS OUT OF FOUR, BECAUSE IT WAS THAT UN-EXTREME!"
BODHI:
"IF THERE'S ONE THING PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME WHEN IT COMES TO
TURKEY DAY, IT'S THAT I'M A MAN WHO LOVES MY STUFFING, SO THIS PALTRY
POP WAS DOOMED FROM THE START AS FAR AS QUENCHING MY UNDYING THIRST
FOR MAXIMUM EXTREMITY! WILD IS AN ADJECTIVE BEST RESERVED FOR
THE WYLD STALLYNS AND THE LIKE, SO THESE HERBS JUST DON'T DELIVER THE
GOODS."
CONCLUSION:
"I'M GONNA FIRE THIS ONE OFF WITH 3 OUT OF 10 THUNDERING CROTCH
ROCKETS!"
TASTE TEST #3 - BRUSSELS SPROUT!
SKEETER: "WHOAH-HO-HO!
HOLD ONTO YOUR HANG GLIDERS, WE'VE JUST FLOWN HEADFIRST INTO A
MOUNTAIN OF AWFUL! THE FLAVOR DECIMATED MY SOUL LEAVING MY BODY
WEAK, DESPERATELY DIGGING MY NAILS INTO THE FIBERS OF LIFE AND CLINGING ON
WITH ALL THE ENERGY I COULD MUSTER! I HAVE SURVIVED YOU BRUSSELS
SPROUT, BUT AT WHAT COST? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!"
CONCLUSION: "I GIVE THIS BAD BOY
69 HIGH DIVES ONTO A BED OF NAILS OUT OF NEGATIVE 233!"
J-DAWG:
"I GOTTA SAY, THIS POISONOUS POTABLE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN
TOO PLEASING TO MY PALETTE, BUT IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST EXTREME
THINGS I HAVE EVER ENDURED! IT WAS LIKE KNIFE-FIGHTING WITH THE
DEVIL AS IT GUSHED OVER MY TONGUE IN A DEADLY TORRENT OF
EVILICIOUSNESS! DON'T TRY THIS ONE AT HOME, KIDS! IN FACT, DON'T
TRY THIS ONE AT ALL!"
CONCLUSION: "THIS ONE GETS 19
BOTCHED NOSE JOBS PERFORMED BY A BLIND PRIMATE WITH A HAMMER OUT
OF 1, BECAUSE LOVE IT OR HATE IT, THIS DRINK WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS
OFF AND SET THEM ON FIRE!"
BODHI:
"DEAR, SWEET MANA FROM THE GODS OF PURE EXTREMERETRICIOUSNESS!
I MAY HAVE TASTED THIS IN MY MOUTH, BUT I FELT IT STRAIGHT IN THE PIT
OF MY BOWELS! I'VE BEEN PAID TO DRINK RAW SEWAGE ON A DARE THAT PRETTY
CLOSELY COMPARES TO THE EXPERIENCE OF CHOKING BACK THIS HAZARDOUS
WASTE! AND YET NO DRINK WILL EVER BEST ME!"
CONCLUSION:
"LET'S HIT THIS PUPPY UP WITH 8 OUT OF 10 SLIPS OF THE TONGUE, ALA
WHITESNAKE!"
TASTE TEST #4 - CRANBERRY!
SKEETER: "FORGET ABOUT GOING TO
THE DOCTOR FOR SOME OMINOUS OINTMENT, THIS CRANBERRY CONCOCTION
CLEARED UP MY BLADDER INFECTION THE MOMENT IT PASSED THROUGH MY
LOINS! NOW I'M READY TO HOP BACK IN THE SADDLE AND RIDE HIGH ON LIFE'S
MANY BODACIOUS ADVENTURES TO THE MAX!"
CONCLUSION: "IT MAY NOT BE AS
EXTREME AS SOME FLAVORS, BUT I STILL GOTTA BOW DOWN BEFORE THE
THERAPEUTIC POWERS THAT RESIDE WITHIN THOSE CRANTASTIC BERRIES! 4
OUT OF 23.17 SANDSTORMS!"
J-DAWG:
"I
WILL TELL YOU THIS, THE CRANBERRY DRINK WAS LIKE A HEAVENLY GIFT
WRAPPED BY GOD WITH TINY LITTLE ANGELS DANCING ON THE BOW AFTER
THAT HARROWING BRUSSELS SPROUT EXPERIENCE! BUT I ALSO GOTTA TELL YA
THAT IT WASN'T VERY EXTREME. THIS WAS LIKE A ROMANTIC COMEDY THAT
YOU CAN TAKE YOUR GIRL AND HER PARENTS TO! FOR THAT REASON,
I WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD DRINKING THIS IN PUBLIC, BUT I COULD
CURL UP BY THE FIREPLACE AND WARM UP TO THIS WHEN NOBODY ELSE IS
WATCHING!"
CONCLUSION: "3.14 SLOPPY JOE PIES OUT
OF A MATHEMATICIAN'S FRIDGE!"
BODHI:
"NOT BAD, NOT BAD. I COULD CRANK THROUGH A BATCH OF THIS
BERRY-FLAVORED NECTAR NO SWEAT. OF COURSE, HAD THEY BOTTLED THAT
THICK, GELATINOUS, PSEUDO-CRANBERRY-LIKE SLUDGE THAT'S PAWNED OFF
ALMOST LIKE A CANNED VEGETABLE COME TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS, IT WOULD'VE
REALLY GOTTEN MY SPIDEY SENSE TO TINGLE!"
CONCLUSION:
"I HAVE A REPUTATION TO UPHOLD HERE, SO SPEAKING IN TERMS OF SHEER
BRUTALITY, THIS BERRY BREW ONLY CLOCKS IN AT HALF PAST MY LITTLE PONY!"
TASTE TEST #5 - PUMPKIN PIE!
SKEETER: "MY OH MY! THIS FRISKY
OL' PUMPKIN PIE HAS LIQUEFIED BEFORE MINE EYES! AND THERE'S NO
DOUBT THAT THESE JUICY JACK-O-LANTERNS ARE GONNA GLIDE DOWN MY GUTTURAL
HIGHWAY WITHOUT OBEYING ANY POSTED SPEED LIMITS! AND WHY SHOULD
THEY? THESE LITTLE DITTIES DO THE DANCE WITH NO UNDERPANTS AND
THAT'S JUST FINE BY THIS COWBOY!"
CONCLUSION: "THE GREAT PUMPKIN
DEMANDS THAT HIS YOUNGLINGS BE GIVEN THEIR JUST DUES! 8 HAUNTED
HAYRIDES ON A PLUTONIUM-POWERED ROCKETSLED OUT OF 17!"
J-DAWG:
"THE ONLY THING THIS DREAMY DRINK NEEDED WAS A COOL WHIP
CHASER TO FOLLOW IT DOWN AND MAKE THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE COMPLETE!
AS IT WAS THOUGH, I COULD FEEL THE WHIP OF THE PUMPKIN TAMER
CRACKLIN' DOWN ON MY TASTE BUDS AS THEY SOAKED IN THE SUDS OF THIS
MANLY POTION OF 'PUMPKININ' IRON'!"
CONCLUSION: "7.4 PUMPKIN PIE-TASTIN'
SEWER RATS IN THE DUMPSTER AT THE BACK OF APPLEBEE'S!"
BODHI:
"WHEW!
ABANDON SHIP! HEAD FOR SAFETY! WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST! YOU'RE
IN FOR AN EXTREME DOSE OF FALSE HOPES AND I'M YOUR HOST, SHOOTIN'
STRAIGHT AND TALLYIN' THE SCORE! MY TONSILS WANT THIS JUMPIN' JACK
FLASH JACK-O-LANTERN TRASH OUTTA MY THROAT! WHAT A PUTRID EXCUSE FOR
WHAT SHOULD'VE BEEN A POST-HALLOWEEN PUMPKINY DELIGHT!"
CONCLUSION:
"7 OUT OF 10 HAMMER SMASHED FACES - I'VE GOT A HEADACHE!"
