I-Mockery
Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
About Us Store Advertising Contact New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun! New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun!

The 2006 Jones Soda Holiday Pack and Dessert Packs!
by: -RoG-
11/5/06

Chip: Hello there folks, I'm Chip Winger!

Kelly: I'm Kelly Strippa and welcome to another episode of... American Good Morning!


American Good Morning!
With Chip Winger and Kelly Strippa!
American Good Morning!
They're gonna bring you some laughs!
And lots of deep insight too!
America... This is for YOU!

*AUDIENCE CHEERS*

Kelly: My, my, my!

Chip: I never get tired of that intro song do you?

Kelly: Haha, oh heavens no! It's what wakes me up and gets me going every day, right folks?

*AUDIENCE CHEERS*

Chip: I tell you, there's nothing I like better than starting off the week right here on our show!

Kelly: Me too! And what better way to help shoosh away the Monday Mopeys than with a hot cup o' joe!

Kelly: Doesn't that just hit the spot?

Chip: Ahhhhhh, I tell you what... it sure does! So how was your weekend, Kelly? America wants to know and so do I!

Kelly: Oh it was actually pretty rough! Esmeralda, one of the fifteen servants in our house, dropped a dinner plate and it got chipped! I was in tears for hours!

*AWWWWWWW*

Chip: That's awful! How did you pull yourself together!?

Kelly: I took her out back, strung her up like a piņata and let the kids take turns beating her to death with a shovel!

Chip: That's wonderful! I've always said you're a great role model for those kids!

Kelly: I know, aren't I? But here's the kicker: it turns out that Esmeralda didn't drop the plate after all! It was one of my dogs that ran into the dining room table and knocked the plate right off!

*UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER*

Chip: WHOOOPSIE-DAISY!

Kelly: Ha, ha, ha... I'll say! Dogs do the darndest things!

Chip: Well I'm sure you're wondering what all these bottles of soda are doing here.

Kelly: I figured it was a lovely gift from some of our adoring fans!

Chip: Nope! So I get here early this morning, and my producer, Hellman, comes up to tell me, "Chip! We've got to show America these sodas! They're perfect for the holiday!" So I look up at him and I say, "Hellman, that sounds great to me, but would you mind giving me a little privacy? I'm trying to use the bathroom here!"

*UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER*

Chip: It's like everywhere I go - he's always there!

*UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER*

Chip: Ha, ha! You know I'm just teasing you, Hellman!

Kelly: We love you, Hellman!

*AUDIENCE CHEERS*

Chip: So anyway, Jones Soda has just sent us some samples of their new 2006 Holiday Pack and their 2006 Dessert Pack! Plus, they even threw in a few other random bottles of holiday flavors for us to try out!

Kelly: I love the holidays just like I love my children!

Chip: Ha, ha, ha! Isn't she something folks?

Kelly: Oh you!

Chip: Ok, let's get right down to business here because we've got a lot of sodas to try out and the faster we drink, the faster this old man can go relieve his bladder!

Chip: First up we have "Sugar Plum" flavored soda!

Kelly: I think I had visions of them dancing in my head!

Chip: Probably because of what we all saw you slip into your coffee before the show started!

*UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER*

Kelly: Oh you! You're so bad! You're so bad!

Chip: Now this is one of the three sodas that does NOT come with the holiday pack or the dessert pack.

Kelly: Looks like I'll have to send Consuelo out to the grocery store to pick me up some of these too then!

Chip: I'd expect something called "Sugar Plum" to have a little more sugar in it! It's a bit too watered-down and mellow for my tastes.

Kelly: Say! This reminds me of those Tylenol Children's Chewable tablets! Tasty!

Chip: You're not supposed to take those you know; they're for kids, Kelly!

Kelly: I guess I'm just a kid at heart!

*UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER*

Kelly: Next is another sold-separately soda - "Egg Nog" flavor!

Chip: I know what an egg is, but what's a nog? Where does the nog come from? Why is it here? Is the world just going completely cah-ray-zay?

Kelly: There's only one way to find out! Bottom's up, Chip!

Chip: I think someone spilled some vanilla extract into my Egg Nog, because that's what it tastes like!

Kelly: It tastes nice and buttery to me! Or maybe they used margarine? If so, I guess it tastes nice and margariney then!

Chip: The final flavor of the three sodas that are sold separately is "Candy Cane". I tell ya; nothing helps clear the palette like some good ol' peppermint!

Kelly: Or turpentine!

Kelly: I don't care if there is a pretty pink flamingo covered in snow on the bottle; this had a bad chemical aftertaste! It might smell just like a candy cane, but it sure doesn't taste like one!

Chip: Well, it reminds me of a candy cane alright. A candy cane that's been in grandpa's pant pocket for the last four months... without the wrapper on it!

Kelly: You're old enough to be my grandpa!

Chip: Does that mean I can touch you inappropriately?

Kelly: I said you're old enough to be my grandpa, not my uncle!

*UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER*

Chip: Now that we're done with the separate sodas, we can move onto the big packs instead!

Kelly: Uh oh, Chip! I think we're being naughty!

Chip: Why's that, Kel?

Kelly: We're eating dessert before dinner!

Chip: You mean drinking dessert!

Kelly: Hee hee! I guess you're right!

Chip: So what kind of dessert flavored sodas do we have here in the Jones 2006 Dessert Pack, Kelly?

Kelly: Pie flavors! I like pie! You like pie! We all like pie!

Chip: According to my scale at home, I like pie a bit too much!

*UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER*

Chip: Settle down people! Ok, so the first soda we're trying from the dessert pack is the "Banana Cream Pie" flavor!

Kelly: Bananarama is still one of my favorite bands; I bet they like banana cream pies too!

Chip: She's got it!

Chip: Uh oh! Better look out Kelly! Says here that this soda contains 170 calories!

Kelly: Hey Hellman, can you get me a diet version of this stuff? I'm trying to watch my figure!

Chip: I think Hellman's ignoring you, Kelly.

Kelly: Story of my life! Ok, let's just try it out now and I'll purge later.

Kelly: Wowee! It smells and tastes just like banana!

Chip: I dunno, I'm definitely detecting something other than a banana in there. Caramel maybe?

Kelly: You wouldn't know if they put Gargamel in there, let alone caramel!

Chip: Gargawho?

Kelly: Don't worry 'bout it, Chip, it's a joke that only people born this century would get!

*UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER*

HEY FOLKS! THERE'S STILL MANY MORE SODAS!
CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE TO PAGE 2 OF THE
JONES SODA HOLIDAY AND DESSERT PACK TASTE TEST!


help support I-Mockery by supporting our sponsors:


SUGGEST THIS TO A FRIEND!
Recipient Email Address:
Your Name:
Your Email Address:
      

Running a big site like I-Mockery takes a lot o' time and costs moola too.
Want to help show your support?

DONATE TO OUR ZOMBIE MOVIE!

Come talk about this piece & more on our Message Forums!

click here for more minimocks!