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Extreme Beverage Testers: Jones Soda 2005 Regional and National Holiday Packs!

It appears as though Jones Soda may be taking a break from their conquest to disgust the entire world with carbonated beverage flavors that should've never come to fruition. What with their infamous "Brussels Sprouts" and "Smoked Salmon Paté" flavors from last year's holiday packs, it was safe to assume that they had completely lost it. But now they have released a new pack for Valentine's Day. It's a simple little 2-pack for lovers (or "laaaahhvors" as Fabio would say), and the soda actually looks tasty this time around. The new soda flavor is called "Love Potion #6".

Looks can be deceiving though, and considering what they unleashed upon the world with that last holiday pack, frankly, we don't trust 'em. For all we know, this could be the world's worst soda, cleverly disguised as a tasty Valentine's Day sweet. Could this liquid cause your loved one to leave you forever should you give it to him or her as a gift? Even worse, could it kill them? It is with this in mind that we here at I-Mockery must once again ask our in-house Extreme Beverage Testers to rise to the occasion. Keep in mind, the EBT's are professionals and claim to have been testing beverages since before god gave man taste buds. So we now turn over the Jones Soda 2006 Valentine Pack taste test over to J-Dawg, Skeeter and Bodhi - EXTREME BEVERAGE TESTERS!


SKEETER: "It was another EXTREME day for me and my bodacious brohems. We had just emerged victorious from an arctic saber-toothed alligator wrestlefest and decided to return home to play some X-TREME sports video games, when all of a sudden, the lights turned red and a most gnarly little naked dude appeared above our heads!"

J-DAWG: "Woah! Put some pants on, gnarly little naked dude! I dare say, I did not wake up this morning expecting to be face to face with the contents of your 'quiver'! Put your 'fruits of love' away, my man!"

BODHI: "Ha, ha! Look at that fruity little wooden bow! Even my transplanted baboon heart could stand up to that flimsy excuse for equipment! You really should look into something with more of an edge, like an Impact X-Treme Stalker II compound bow with explosive-tipped arrows!"

CUPID IS NAKED! THAT'S PRETTY EXTREME!

CUPID: "You three have tangled with some impressive beverages in the past, but I think you'll find that this new Jones Soda Valentine Pack will change the very way that you guys act and feel!"

SKEETER: "Yo little dude! You're naked and that's pretty EXTREME but I'm pretty sure we can handle whatever carbonations you care to contribute to our colossal cause! Drop that Jones bad boy on down!"

J-DAWG: "Get real, you little love sniper! We've tackled such flavors as the 'Pumpkin Mudpie' and the 'Choked Salmon Paté'. I think we can handle our soda!"

BODHI: "Just hit us with the soda already, then you and your little twig and berries can flutter on outta here, champ!"

SKEETER: "Dudes! Where'd the mood lighting come from? What kind of savagely sultry soda is this!?"

J-DAWG: "I dunno, Skeeter-man, but when it's dark like this it kinda reminds me of camping! I sorta feel like pitching a tent!"

BODHI: "Candles? Sleek black linen? I can’t tell if this is the scene for a romantic evening or some sort of perverse satanic ritual!?"

SKEETER: "Uh oh, looks like we were on Jones Soda's Valentine's Day hitlist!"

J-DAWG: "Bro, after all our extreme feats of righteous derring-do, you know the only kind of hit list we belong on is a GREATEST hits list!"

BODHI: "Pffft. Valentine’s Day? I’m a fighter, not a lover!"

SKEETER: "Alright! It gots me a bottle and now it's time to rev the throttle!"

BODHI: "Yo! My last concussion cleared up 48 hours ago, so I should be seeing straight again… but am I seeing just two bottles!? Are we gonna have to unleash a ménage-à-trois of pain up in here!?"

J-DAWG: "Dudes! What gives! There ain't no love for J-Dawg included in this mangy box!? I've got half a mind to write a letter to somebody's congressman about this, but the other 2/3rds of my mind will settle for smashing instead!"

BODHI: "Maximum carnage is the only solution!"

J-DAWG: "This is most lametastically bummerific. Well, I guess you guys will have to enjoy your soda sud love party by yourselves since there ain't enough 'love' to go around! What a hellaciously heinous gyp!"

SKEETER: "EUREKA IN TOPEKA! Fret not dawg-o-daddy, the Skeetster's got an idea!"

J-DAWG: "ALLLRIGHT, brosons! Coming through in a pinch with the delicate wine ware! Now THAT'S what I call a soda sharing slambasterific party right there! Booyah to the max!"

BODHI: "Under normal circumstances, immeasurable levels of testosterone production would have me refuse to drink from any receptacle with a stem, but extreme conditions demand extreme responses!"

SKEETER: "Me thinks this calls for a celebration of our refusal to split up our collective baditudes!"

SKEETER, J-DAWG & BODHI: "EXTREME!!!"

SKEETER: "This is why I've been bench pressing sumo wrestlers as a part of my quad-daily workout routine. It's moments like these that remind me it's all been worth the blood, sweat, tears and more blood!"

J-DAWG: "Tear into that bottle of love with the savage ferocity of a sauce-crazed jungle beast! Howl, howl with the rage of a brutalicious monkey!"

BODHI: "Come on, brödderheim! If you don’t hurry up I’m gonna do it the man’s way and smash that bottle over your head!"

SKEETER: "Well if that isn't just the most DARLING thing I've ever seen! I feel like a twerp for even THINKING about drinking those precious cuties!"

BODHI: "Why… what… but… I think… is this? Am I… feeling remorse? Have I simply broken too many hearts?"

J-DAWG: "You can almost FEEL the magic seeping out of the bottle like that time we had that most dreadly gas leak! But wild ponies couldn't drag me off the premises THIS time!"

BODHI: "Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd… CHILL!"

J-DAWG: "Dude! Way to make with the party favors! 'The Iceman Cometh' indeed!"

SKEETER: "I cannot wait to see those puppies glistening in my flagon!"

J-DAWG: "Way to bogart all the ice, Skeeter! Now there's only one piece left! You'd better be ready to share with your partner in extremities!"

SKEETER: "You want a piece a' me? You can HAVE a piece a' me! I must warn you though; your tongue had best be prepared to go spelunking into some frigidly fleshy areas if it wishes to emerge with one of the prized cubes!"

BODHI: "I wish I could channel the spirit of that righteous dude from Yello, the band who did that song in 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off', 'cause I sure could go for a bodaciously bassy 'Ohhhhhh yeeeaaahhh!' right about now!"

SKEETER: "Pop in that sexy Jones CD to get the mood goin' on and then pour me a glass o' that fine wine, baby! Awww yeah, that's the good stuff, right there!"

J-DAWG: "No problem, Skeets! Let the neverending wine flow forth into your chalice of romance! Say there, Bodhi-bro, care for a 'fill me up'?"

BODHI: "Do I!? My empty vessel craves the silken broth from whence it came!"

BODHI: "Once (clink)… twice (clink)… three (clink) times a laaaaaaaaady!"

SKEETER: "May friendships, like wine, improve, as time advances. And may we always have old wine, old friends, young cares and fruitful loins."

J-DAWG: "And HOW, my brodacious bedfellows in extremositaciousness!"

J-DAWG: "Well, bottoms up, boys! I've been waiting all night to say that and pour this deliciousness in my mouth!"

SKEETER: "Pinkies out, stomachs in!"

BODHI: "I can hardly contain my excitement as this glistening liqueur creates a tender petticoat for my esophageal canal!"


OH YOU THINK IT'S OVER ALREADY?
WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG, WATSON!

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE TO PAGE 2
OF OUR EXTREME REVIEW OF THE
2006 JONES SODA VALENTINE PACKS!


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