appears as though Jones Soda may be taking a break from their conquest
to disgust the entire world with carbonated beverage flavors that
should've never come to fruition. What with their infamous "Brussels
Sprouts" and "Smoked Salmon Paté" flavors
from last year's
holiday packs, it was safe to assume that they had completely
lost it. But now they have released a new pack for Valentine's Day.
It's a simple little 2-pack for lovers (or "laaaahhvors" as
Fabio would say), and the soda actually looks
tasty this time around. The new soda flavor is called "Love
can be deceiving though, and considering what they unleashed upon the
world with that last holiday pack, frankly, we don't trust 'em. For
all we know, this could be the world's worst soda, cleverly disguised
as a tasty Valentine's Day sweet. Could this liquid cause your loved
one to leave you forever should you give it to him or her as a gift?
Even worse, could it kill them? It is with this in mind
that we here at I-Mockery must once again ask our in-house Extreme
Beverage Testers to rise to the occasion. Keep in mind, the EBT's are professionals and claim to
have been testing beverages since before god gave man taste buds. So we now turn over the
Jones Soda 2006 Valentine Pack taste test
over to J-Dawg, Skeeter and Bodhi - EXTREME BEVERAGE TESTERS!
SKEETER: "It was another
EXTREME day for me and my bodacious brohems. We had just emerged
victorious from an arctic saber-toothed alligator wrestlefest and
decided to return home to play some X-TREME sports video games, when
all of a sudden, the lights turned red and a most gnarly little naked
dude appeared above our heads!"
J-DAWG: "Woah! Put some
pants on, gnarly little naked dude! I dare say, I did not wake up this
morning expecting to be face to face with the contents of your
'quiver'! Put your 'fruits of love' away, my man!"
"Ha, ha! Look at that fruity little wooden bow! Even my
transplanted baboon heart could stand up to that flimsy excuse for
equipment! You really should look into something with more of an edge,
like an Impact X-Treme Stalker II compound bow with explosive-tipped
CUPID: "You three have
tangled with some impressive beverages in the past, but I think you'll
find that this new Jones Soda Valentine Pack will change the very way
that you guys act and feel!"
SKEETER: "Yo little
dude! You're naked and that's pretty EXTREME but I'm pretty sure we
can handle whatever carbonations you care to contribute to our
colossal cause! Drop that Jones bad boy on down!"
J-DAWG: "Get real, you
little love sniper! We've tackled such flavors as the 'Pumpkin Mudpie'
and the 'Choked Salmon Paté'. I think we can handle our soda!"
"Just hit us with the soda already, then you and your little twig
and berries can flutter on outta here, champ!"
SKEETER: "Dudes! Where'd
the mood lighting come from? What kind of savagely sultry soda is
J-DAWG: "I dunno, Skeeter-man,
but when it's dark like this it kinda reminds me of camping! I sorta
feel like pitching a tent!"
"Candles? Sleek black linen? I can’t tell if this is the scene
for a romantic evening or some sort of perverse satanic ritual!?"
SKEETER: "Uh oh, looks like we
were on Jones Soda's Valentine's Day hitlist!"
J-DAWG: "Bro, after all
our extreme feats of righteous derring-do, you know the only kind of
hit list we belong on is a GREATEST hits list!"
"Pffft. Valentine’s Day? I’m a fighter, not a
SKEETER: "Alright! It gots
me a bottle and now it's time to rev the throttle!"
"Yo! My last concussion cleared up 48 hours ago, so I should be
seeing straight again… but am I seeing just two bottles!? Are we gonna
have to unleash a ménage-à-trois of pain up in here!?"
J-DAWG: "Dudes! What
gives! There ain't no love for J-Dawg included in this mangy box!?
I've got half a mind to write a letter to somebody's congressman about
this, but the other 2/3rds of my mind will settle for smashing
"Maximum carnage is the only solution!"
J-DAWG: "This is most
lametastically bummerific. Well, I guess you guys will have to enjoy
your soda sud love party by yourselves since there ain't enough 'love'
to go around! What a hellaciously heinous gyp!"
SKEETER: "EUREKA IN
TOPEKA! Fret not dawg-o-daddy, the Skeetster's got an idea!"
brosons! Coming through in a pinch with the delicate wine ware! Now
THAT'S what I call a soda sharing slambasterific party right there!
Booyah to the max!"
"Under normal circumstances, immeasurable levels of testosterone
production would have me refuse to drink from any receptacle with a
stem, but extreme conditions demand extreme responses!"
SKEETER: "Me thinks this
calls for a celebration of our refusal to split up our collective
SKEETER, J-DAWG & BODHI: "EXTREME!!!"
SKEETER: "This is why I've
been bench pressing sumo wrestlers as a part of my quad-daily workout
routine. It's moments like these that remind me it's all been worth
the blood, sweat, tears and more blood!"
J-DAWG: "Tear into that
bottle of love with the savage ferocity of a sauce-crazed jungle
beast! Howl, howl with the rage of a brutalicious monkey!"
"Come on, brödderheim! If you don’t hurry up I’m gonna do it the
man’s way and smash that bottle over your head!"
SKEETER: "Well if that
isn't just the most DARLING thing I've ever seen! I feel like a twerp
for even THINKING about drinking those precious cuties!"
"Why… what… but… I think… is this? Am I… feeling remorse? Have I
simply broken too many hearts?"
J-DAWG: "You can almost
FEEL the magic seeping out of the bottle like that time we had that
most dreadly gas leak! But wild ponies couldn't drag me off the
premises THIS time!"
J-DAWG: "Dude! Way to make
with the party favors! 'The Iceman Cometh' indeed!"
SKEETER: "I cannot wait to
see those puppies glistening in my flagon!"
J-DAWG: "Way to bogart all
the ice, Skeeter! Now there's only one piece left! You'd better be
ready to share with your partner in extremities!"
SKEETER: "You want a piece
a' me? You can HAVE a piece a' me! I must warn you though; your tongue
had best be prepared to go spelunking into some frigidly fleshy areas
if it wishes to emerge with one of the prized cubes!"
"I wish I could channel the spirit of that righteous dude from
Yello, the band who did that song in 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off',
'cause I sure could go for a bodaciously bassy 'Ohhhhhh yeeeaaahhh!'
right about now!"
SKEETER: "Pop in that sexy
Jones CD to get the mood goin' on and then pour me a glass o'
that fine wine, baby! Awww yeah, that's the good stuff, right there!"
J-DAWG: "No problem,
Skeets! Let the neverending wine flow forth into your chalice of
romance! Say there, Bodhi-bro, care for a 'fill me up'?"
"Do I!? My empty vessel craves the silken broth from whence it
"Once (clink)… twice (clink)… three (clink) times a laaaaaaaaady!"
SKEETER: "May friendships,
like wine, improve, as time advances. And may we always have old wine,
old friends, young cares and fruitful loins."
J-DAWG: "And HOW, my
brodacious bedfellows in extremositaciousness!"
J-DAWG: "Well, bottoms up,
boys! I've been waiting all night to say that and pour this
deliciousness in my mouth!"
SKEETER: "Pinkies out,
"I can hardly contain my excitement as this glistening liqueur
creates a tender petticoat for my esophageal canal!"