Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
About Us Store Advertising Contact New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun! New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun!

Knott's Berry Farm's 34th Annual Halloween Haunt! Knott's Scary Farm!
by: -RoG-

When you hear the name "Knott's Berry Farm" it's not something you immediately associate with horror. When I was first told about it, I assumed it was some farm where you pick berries while skipping around with glee or you stomp on grapes so that you can make wine that smells like your sweaty feet. Neither of those things are of much interest to me, but what is of interest to me is anything related to Halloween. The name Knott's Berry Farm is deceiving because, if all farms really looked like this place, they probably wouldn't be going the way of the Dodo these days. It's a large amusement park in Buena Park, California which gets completely transformed for the Halloween season each year. It's such a big transformation that they even change the name of their park to Knott's Scary Farm for the event... just so you know they mean business.

We were recently given full access to go check out all of the big, horrific Halloween walk-through mazes and attractions that they had to offer and take photos of it all. Is it worth checking out? You bet your ass it is, but I'll let all of my photos help convince you a little bit more.

Other than the big "Haunt" sign out front, you wouldn't know that the inside of the park has been completely Halloweenified. Though perhaps even scarier was their security sign informing us that they will be inspecting all bags including FANNYPACKS. You know a person is hardcore if they store a weapon in a FANNYPACK. Hell, that sounds like a comic book in the making... The Fannypack Crusaders!

Upon entering Ghost Town we immediately realized that they had quite an impressive supply of fake cobwebs at their disposal. Interesting though, they don't use the typical fake cobwebs you can buy in stores or even the artificial cobweb spray. They use their own thicker fabric for the cobwebs. It kind of looks like the torn sails you'd see on a ghost ship rather than something that came from a spider's ass. Still, with all the nice lighting 'n everything, it produced a nice effect and they were easily able to cover entire buildings with the stuff.

This animatronic guy would freak out in the electric chair, twitching and smoking until he was dead. Well "dead" meaning he didn't move for 30-45 seconds while the smoke from his charred body faded away. I'm not sure about the unhappy zombie bride lady, but I'd venture to guess that was her husband in the electric chair.

These guys were two of the many masked marauders who hid in the dark and would jump out at people, often making them scream at pitches that would make your average canine wince. Notice the metal on the hands of the guy on the right? This was actually for something really cool that I had never seen before at other horror-themed parks. From out of the darkness, some of their actors would slide across the ground on protective knee pads and they'd drag their hands on the grounds to make sparks. It was pretty awesome looking and I imagine that, aside from the hell it puts your knees through, it's a fun job.

Also, something to keep in mind; most of these monsters 'n ghouls you see in my photos look much more evil and scarier in person since. My camera flash reveals all, but when you're walking through the park it's very dark and only some scattered, dimly lit areas will give you a glimpse of what just came screeching up behind you in an attempt to make you scream like an infant.

At first glance, I was excited by the Budweiser Ghost Zone sign because I was sure they would have all sorts of spooky names for their snacks 'n drinks. No such luck. Ok, well Chili Cheese Fries from a theme park (or anywhere) can be fairly frightening, but still, they could've easily named stuff better. Haunted Hot Dogs, Nefarious Nachos of the Netherworld... come on people, it's not that hard.

Their bakery, however, did not disappoint with the Halloween treats...

As you can see, they had a nice selection of festive cupcakes including ones with Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolfman, a witch, a bat, and a skull. As tasty as those all looked, something else caught my attention:

Right next to the mangled ghostly napkins and giant honey buns, was a big Snoopy head cookie. Being a big fan of the vanilla/chocolate marble cookies I used to get back East all the time, this one appeared to be right up my alley. It was indeed tasty as hell, but there was such a high icing-to-cookie ratio that I couldn't even finish it. And somewhere in the night, Snoopy's chocolate ear is out there stalking some poor, unsuspecting Knott's Scary Farm patron.

Oh and if you're wondering why they were selling a Snoopy head cookie in there; Knott's actually has a big "Camp Snoopy" section at their park for all the children, but even that area is turned into an evil-infested dead zone come Halloween time. So yeah kids... where is your god now?

On the left you see another animatronic creature - a skeleton chained up between two trees that was shaking back 'n forth enough that you'd think it was trying to pull the trees down. Try an axe, buddy. There's also the bloody labcoat-wearin' skeleton-faced lady. She was just there to point us in the right direction, nothing more. Hey, that's better than other parks I've been to where half of the employees aren't in any kind of costume come October.

An animated coffin that had somebody inside it who clearly wasn't quite ready to be put six feet under yet. Also; somebody who lost their head and found it again.

Here we have Fairy Tales... er... pardon me... Feary Tales. This was the first of many walk-through mazes we checked out and it had more black-light reactive decorations than any other attraction at the park. The spinning tunnel at the beginning was throwing all of us off balance, especially me while I tried my best to photograph it without falling on my completely disoriented ass.

And here's the guardian fairy (feary) at the end of that spinning tunnel. Her decorations actually showed up without the use of the flash so you get to see the difference between how she looked in the dark and how she looked in a regular flash photo. Feary?

As we made our way deeper into the Fearyland, things became less cutesy and more weird and horror-themed. They still had plenty of people hiding in the darkness with various noisemakers, and other random character who would just walk by you and say nothing; but they also had stuff like pots of gold that had severed heads in them.

There was also stuff like the mutant zombie Alice in Wonderland girl or the fanged Frog King. The frog was behind a plate of glass and I'm guessing he was supposed to do something, but he just sat there with a fly on his tongue. I guess a feary fairy stole his batteries.

Speaking of frogs, some of the goblins used squeaky-toy frogs when they walked by you. In a place that was supposed to be filled with horrors, it was always an amusing moment whenever we heard the doofy sound of a squeaky-toy going off.

I can't be sure, but it looks as though the Feary Tales maze is trying to warn humanity about a future swine uprising in which they will cook and eat us instead. BEWARE THE PIGS OF MARCH! (and October)

One of my favorite things in this particular maze was the animatronic cow. Now only was it thrashing about and holding a severed head. Not only were its horns and face splattered with blood. But this thing had one of the best voices a cow could possibly ask for. Take a listen to this sound clip of it begging us to milk it because it was all bloated with milllllllk! Oh yeah, there was also some psychotic Humpty Dumpty egg or something along those lines. It wasn't doing anything, and I wasn't about to waste the whole night there waiting for something to happen.

There's still plenty more to see!

help support I-Mockery by supporting our sponsors:

Running a big site like I-Mockery takes a lot o' time and costs moola too.
Want to help show your support?


Come talk about this piece & more on our Message Forums!

click here for more minimocks!