by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

He deploys a mongoose that I guess was tucked into his kilt? Also, I guess he found a mongoose at the local pet store?

They had to draw a line somewhere, and I'm glad it was just short of the villain being subdued by an ordinary mongoose.

It does put him on the right track.

This is why any zoologist worth their salt will tell you always wear a face mask when you're handling mongooses.

Mongeese? Who the hell cares.

So much for our Great Highland warrior. But how did Sylvia withstand the dulcet tones of his bagpipery?

Ah, earplugs. I thought maybe bagpipes just didn't work for shit given how Erny almost powered through them.

Is it worth mentioning that it's not the music that charms snakes, but rather the movement of the pipe being played in front of them? No? Okay, let's move on.

So Eve and Mary have been captured, Angus has been paralyzed, and James is out of snake charming music. And butlers. Seems like kind of a slam dunk for Dionin. Sylvia even got his old skull back.

Sylvia does her topless victory lap while reciting a prayer:

Oh Dionin, who came forth from the darkness,
Dionin, dwelt in peace in the Garden of Eden,
Dionin, who gave us the gift of knowledge,
Dionin, who suffered the wroth of the false god,
Dionin, who was driven from Eden by the false god,
Dionin, who was trodden underfoot by the son of man,
Dionin, who returned to the darkness,
Dionin, whose kingdom is darkness,
Dionin, who makes safe our darkness,
Dionin, who is darkness,
Dionin, the immortal,
Accept this our sacrifice, through darkness eternal.

She then places a lovely flower crown on Eve's head. It's not the crown that catches Eve's eye:

That was no joke, what I said earlier. Sometimes a dildo is just a dildo. I'll bet that smaller one on the bar isn't looking so bad now, is it?

Little does Sylvia know the the poncey, but strangely prescient, James has hatched yet another scheme: he's enlisted a group of men to pump some toxic smoke into an underground spring near where the watch was found. And talk about serendipity: that spring just happens to lead up and into the cave where yet more impalement is about to take place!

The sudden roaring through the lair tells Sylvia that she doesn't have any more time for long prayers. "No time for ritual, no time for ceremony," she gripes as she dispenses with ivory dildo and switches over to just cutting the ropes holding Eve.

Sylvia's venom must be losing some of its potency because after only a couple minutes, Angus is able to pop right back up. Also he didn't have any visions of Sylvia nude and biting/impaling something...

Or maybe he imagined himself on a plane, and seeing Sylvia's ivory strap-on got his red marker to stand fully erect, thus diverting the poisoned blood to another part of his body! Can you FEEL the heroism?

He shoves Sylvia over the edge, but she catches herself on Eve's feet. Now both women are hanging by a thread. Angus pulls a large, ornate knife of his own out of his kilt. Limitless storage capabilities in that damned kilt!

But how's a knife going to help in this situation?

I get that he's upset about the mongoose, but sawing through Sylvia's wrist? That is far more gruesome than I imagined. And her other wrist suffers sympathy pains and releases her grip on Eve's leg.

It's like James always said: "What happens when you cut off a worm's right hand?"

Sylvia makes the ultimate sacrifice and Angus grabs Eve just as the rope breaks. Just like the common earthworm! Also just like the common earthworm, he frees the two girls and tells them to run off while he deals with Dionin.

Stepping up to the platform about the roaring snake monster, he reaches under his kilt one last time...

He's going deep this time.

We've already seen him turn out a syringe, a mongoose, and a big knife. Hell, he was probably keeping the bagpipes in there, too! What could he have left?

A hand grenade. Of course. He had a hand grenade tucked away in his kilt. Probably got it from one of his archaeologist buddies in a scene that wasn't deemed interesting enough to be included in the film.

He drops the grenade in Dionin's gaping maw, pulls a unicycle out of his kilt, and rides it to safety, stopping only to pull a pair of sunglasses out of his kilt so he can look cool while he doesn't look back at the explosion. Admit it... it doesn't seem too far fetched at this point, does it? Does anything?

Geez, they don't make pagan gods like they used to.

The last of the snakefolk are dead, but that doesn't mean there's any time to rest. Angus reveals that he had some of Sylvia's venom analyzed at a lab so they could produce an antidote. Maybe he gathered some of the stuff that was sprayed on that crucifix, or maybe he took that huge glass of poison that he sucked out of Mary and ran it all the way to London in between taking Mary home and calling James to make sure he was doing okay the other night. That was a busy night for him.

He injects Eve, saying that he's concerned a scratch could get infected by the venom. I'm sure the band-aid covering the two big puncture wounds on Mary's neck will suffice, though. No need to make a fuss.

Meanwhile, at the mouth of Stone Rigg cavern, James is patting himself on the back while surveying the carnage caused by that one hand grenade. Man, that thing was powerful. No wonder it's illegal to own one unless you're a trained archaeologist.

Sometime later, James and Angus meet up at the farm to compare notes:

-James deduced that the fissure where the watch was found must have held the creature, and so getting a crew together to smoke it out was the natural next step.

-It's wordlessly understood that Angus' bagpipe music was definitely effective, though the costume change was not.

-Mary and Eve are on their way to the hospital to recover from the ordeal of seeing Angus in a kilt.

-Angus was able to pull off a neat hat trick, taking out Sylvia, Erny, and Dionin himself. Not bad for a whiny Scot git.

So now, the whole immortal snake cult thing has been laid to rest, along with half the village's police force. The phone rings in the farmhouse and Angus goes to check on what is probably nothing but good news.

It's a nurse calling on behalf of the doctor who gave Angus the Dionin antivenom. Well, on behalf of the doctor who MEANT to give Angus the antivenom. You see, there was a mix-up at the lab and what they sent him was arthritis medicine instead. Perfectly understandable why a physician might mistake life-saving antivenom with soreness-alleviating arthritis medicine.

I don't think he has anything to worry about seeing as he shook off the effects of the venom after less than five minutes. Plus, he was the only person exposed to the venom who didn't suffer any bizarre topless hallucinations. Well, him and Kevin. Maybe it just doesn't work on men? Indeed, when he looks in the mirror everything appears fine, but there's a big organ sting, so he's pretty much doomed.

No time to reflect on his fate, though. Time to nip off to the local for a bit of pint and gobble, as they say. James invites him to "slither in" to the passenger seat and the two drive off. Oh, snake puns. You were always destined to outlive Dionin.

Did you think that was the last bit of wordplay? Oh, you naive fool.

James asks Angus, "Can we stop on the way for a bite?" Angus gives him this incredulous look because even he can't believe how James is playing right into it.

We still don't see any kind of fangs developing on Angus, so maybe he's just coming onto James. Traumatic situations like these tend to draw people together, and he is flashing James a little leg. Worst case scenario: he bites James, turning him into a snake man too, and the two of them travel to Ireland to do battle with Saint Patrick.

So what have we learned from watching Lair of the White Worm? Well, Scottish people can move super fast, but only when no one's looking. If you find a giant monster skull, maybe put it behind a locked door. If you're leading a centuries old secret cult, don't get cocky and start dropping hints about it whenever you're talking to the local plebs. Snakes die if you cut them in half, but not snake women. Always double-check your antivenom supply before confronting an antediluvian serpent god in his hoary lair beneath the earth. If you're involved in a monster hunt with your friends, for the love of god COMMUNICATE!

Oh, and if you happen to run into a snake woman who buys into the bogus notion that you can hypnotize snakes with music, forget the bagpipes and the kilt. Just bring a damn radio. If you're lucky, this ol' tune will be playing:

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