Vampire movies as of late have been less than entertaining. "Shadow of the Vampire" looked to be promising but was a let-down for me (even though Dafoe played the character perfectly). "Blade" and "Blade II"... I won't even get into how bad these films were. And now "Underworld" is coming out, which looks like a mix between Blade and The Crow, only with a female star. Sigh. So where are all the good vampire movies hiding? In the past. There's always Bela Lugosi's superb Dracula work, but the one movie that pops into my mind when I think of vampires is "The Lost Boys". It was a perfect blend of 80's cheese, bad clothing, vampires, and THE COREY'S. Yep... Corey Feldman and Corey Haim vs. vampires. An instant classic. Besides, you can't go wrong with a tagline like, "Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire." Very fun.

So the movie starts off with a young David (Kiefer Sutherland) stirring up trouble on the local boardwalk Merry-Go-Round. He and his gang of glam-rockin pals harass some of the other riders until a security guard steps in. As exciting as that little scuffle was, I can't help but be more interested in something else. Notice Kiefer's pal over there on the right? Doesn't he look somewhat familiar? You're damned right he does!

EXCELLENT!

It's Alex Winter! AKA: Bill S. Preston Esquire from "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure!" Just seeing his goofy-assed smirk already makes this movie rank way higher than 90% of the vampire flicks out there. Excellent indeed!

Cut to Sam (Corey Haim) and his brother Michael (Jason Patrick) driving into their new home, Santa Carla, California. It seems like a nice place at first glance until Michael notices the back of the welcome billboard which states "Murder Capital of the World". That's always a good sign, because where there's murder, there's excitement. Now Joel Schumacher had catering movies to a certain teenage audience down to a science. Can you guess what crowd this movie was geared towards? Here's a pictorial hint:

That's right, you guessed it: REBELLIOUS YOUTH!

We get a nice tour of the town which is inhabited by all sorts of rebellious kids. Just look at these classic examples of people you and I probably see on a daily basis:

• The cloaked druid guy who is contemplating life's greater mysteries... or D&D.

• The angry punk guy who leans up against mailboxes to display his, uh, anger.

• The rodent-licking freak girl who apparently enjoys their taste over Spaghetti O's.

• The goth girl who wishes Robert Smith would impregnate her.

Hell, sign me up! With such a diverse crowd like that, I'm ready to move to Santa Carla!

Back at their new home, Grandpa explains to Sam that the middle shelf of root beer in the fridge is off limits. Perhaps he should have put an "Off Limits" sign on it instead of an "Old Fart" one, then maybe he wouldn't have to explain such things to Sam. Corny gags aside, gramps sure is one cool character. I mean, who else reads the TV Guide so that they don't have to bother with watching TV?

So nighttime has arrived, and where do all of the teens in town go? They go to the boardwalk of course. But it's not just any boardwalk. This thing is loaded with roller coasters, games, and even rock concerts. For such a highly populated venue, you'd think they'd be able to pull in a bigger act... like Stryper. Instead, they got some big greased up muscle guy who plays saxophone and sings. But that's not all he does.

hypnotic and nauseating... all at once.

This greased up powerhouse gyrates his hips so much that he'd give Shakira a run for her money. Equally disturbing is seeing Corey Haim watching this guy shake his bon bon and loving every minute of it. Perhaps they're trying to hint something about his sexuality? Could he be gay?

NOPE.

No gay man could possibly choose an outfit that horrible. It's like some horrible mix between a bandito and Ace Ventura. Still, Corey has no problem walking around with his custom outfit in the local comic book shop as if he is the man. But this is no mere comic book store. It's actually a front for the most fearsome vampire hunters to ever walk the planet, or at least this particular boardwalk...

THE FROG BROTHERS!

Yes, Edgar (Corey Feldman) and Allen (Jamison Newlander) are the Frog brothers and they work at the local comic book shop. They're immediately alarmed by the new, and badly-dressed presence that has just entered their shop. Right after they're done mocking Sam's "civilian wardrobe" they decide to give him a little insight about what really goes on in this town since he's obviously completely uninformed.

"Take this, it could save your life..."

Edgar hands Sam a "Vampires Everywhere!" comic book, even though he claims to not enjoy horror comics. First the bad clothes and now he doesn't enjoy horror comics? Just what in the hell is wrong with this kid anyway? Anyway, before chasing some hooligans away from their store, Edgar warns Sam about the comic: "It could save your life." Chilling words, but even more chilling is thinking about how two Corey's once starred in the raunchy flick "Blown Away". Actually, that movie is 5 times scarier than The Lost Boys could ever be. Guess I'll have to dare to review that one sometime soon too...

Two of the hooligans that stole some comics from the Frog brother's store are now sitting in a car in an empty parking lot. Between reading the comics and some sexual harassment, they fail to realize that the lights have all turned red (always a bad sign in horror movies). Seconds later, the roof of the car is torn off and the guy is dragged into the sky by some unseen force. The girl soon follows after she's done screaming for a minute (while trying not to smile). Those pesky vampires must be up to no good!

Back at Grandpa's pad, we see that Corey has again gone through a wardrobe change. Is it any better? Sure, if you prefer to have your waist look like a friggin' lampshade. So he makes his way back to the comic shop where the Frog brothers inform him that the comic book shop is just their "cover". They're actually dedicated to a higher purpose... they're "fighters for truth, justice, and the American way." They give Sam another informative horror comic with their phone number on the back and tell him to pray that he never has to call them. If I were them, I'd be praying that Sam never comes back to their store. With that horrible attire, he's probably scaring away all of their customers.

Enter the babe, "Star", who Michael quickly becomes infatuated with. But it appears that she's taken... taken by Kiefer. So they all go on a motorcycle ride through the beach to the sounds of some cheesy 80's synth rock. Ah young love...

And speaking of which, back in his room, Sam (in yet another hideous shirt) walks over to his closet to put away one of grandpa's stuffed animal creations. But there's something on the door that didn't seem appropriate. It's a sexy poster of Rob Lowe, showing off those abs and his dreamy eyes. Ok, so maybe Sam really is gay. Then again, who couldn't fall for Rob Lowe's gaze. He's... so... dreamy. <3

Return to Michael, the bikers have just taken him down into their secret layer. They start scarfing down on some Chinese food when David asks Michael, "You're eating maggots, how do they taste?" And sure enough, what he thought was rice turned out to be a bunch of wiggly maggots. But no really! Oh you vampires with your silly mind games, how ever will we be able to trust you? Well, apparently Michael is very trusting because when David tells him to take a drink and "be one of us", he chugs away without hesitation. Fact: Peer pressure... it's a real bitch when vampires are involved.

Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K

Next they take Michael to the railroad bridge where they apparently enjoy hanging from underneath it while the train runs by. Once again, Michael goes along with it like a good little doggie. Soon enough, a train comes by and they all fall off one by one, while Michael starts to freak out. He loses his grip and...

...falls unconscious into his bed. Great transition eh? Sure haven't seen that one before! Down in the kitchen grandpa is getting ready for a hot date but has no aftershave. And it is at this point that we learn a valuable lesson. He just sprays some Windex on his hands, slaps it on his face, and he's ready to go out on the town to get some booty. Damn that's smooth grandpa, real smooth! Oh Corey! It's time for your bubble bath!

Could this movie get any scarier? Corey Haim splashing around in a bubble bath while singing old tunes in his own agonizing high-pitched shrill. "I ain't got a maaaaaan..." he sings while bopping around the tub. Oh yeah, this kid is definitely gay. Definitely.

What will save us from having to endure more of
Corey Haim singing in the bathtub bubbles?

CONTINUE TO PAGE 2 TO FIND OUT!

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