movies as of late have been less than entertaining. "Shadow of the
Vampire" looked to be promising but was a let-down for me (even though
Dafoe played the character perfectly). "Blade" and "Blade II"... I won't
even get into how bad these films were. And now "Underworld" is coming
out, which looks like
a mix between Blade and The Crow, only with a female star. Sigh. So where
are all the good vampire movies hiding? In the past. There's always Bela Lugosi's superb
Dracula work, but the one movie that pops into my mind when I think of vampires is
"The Lost Boys". It was a perfect blend of 80's cheese, bad clothing,
THE COREY'S. Yep... Corey Feldman and Corey Haim vs. vampires. An instant
Besides, you can't go wrong with a tagline like, "Sleep all day. Party all
night. Never grow old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire." Very fun.
So the movie
starts off with a young David (Kiefer Sutherland) stirring up trouble on
the local boardwalk Merry-Go-Round. He and his gang of glam-rockin pals harass
some of the other riders until a security guard steps in. As exciting as
that little scuffle was, I can't help but be more interested in something
else. Notice Kiefer's pal over there on the right? Doesn't he look
somewhat familiar? You're damned right he does!
Winter! AKA: Bill S. Preston Esquire from "Bill & Ted's Excellent
Adventure!" Just seeing his goofy-assed smirk already makes this movie
rank way higher than 90% of the vampire flicks out there. Excellent
Cut to Sam
(Corey Haim) and his brother Michael (Jason Patrick) driving into their
new home, Santa Carla, California. It seems like a nice place at first
glance until Michael notices the back of the welcome billboard which
states "Murder Capital of the World". That's always a
good sign, because where there's murder, there's excitement. Now Joel Schumacher had
catering movies to a certain teenage audience down to a science. Can you
guess what crowd this movie was geared towards? Here's a pictorial hint:
That's right, you guessed it: REBELLIOUS YOUTH!
We get a
nice tour of the town which is inhabited by all sorts of rebellious kids.
Just look at these classic examples of people you and I probably see on a
druid guy who is contemplating life's greater mysteries... or D&D.
punk guy who leans up against mailboxes to display his, uh, anger.
rodent-licking freak girl who apparently enjoys their taste over Spaghetti O's.
girl who wishes Robert Smith would impregnate her.
me up! With such a diverse crowd like that, I'm ready to move to Santa
their new home, Grandpa explains to Sam that the middle shelf of root beer in the
fridge is off limits. Perhaps he should have put an "Off Limits" sign on
it instead of an "Old Fart" one, then maybe he wouldn't have to explain
such things to Sam. Corny gags aside, gramps sure is one cool character. I
mean, who else reads the TV Guide so that they don't have to bother with watching TV?
has arrived, and where do all of the teens in town go? They go to the
boardwalk of course. But it's not just any boardwalk. This thing is loaded
with roller coasters, games, and even rock concerts. For such a highly
populated venue, you'd think they'd be able to pull in a bigger act...
like Stryper. Instead, they got some big greased up muscle guy who plays
saxophone and sings. But that's not all he does.
hypnotic and nauseating... all at once.
up powerhouse gyrates his hips so much that he'd give Shakira a run for
her money. Equally disturbing is seeing Corey Haim watching this guy shake
his bon bon and loving every minute of it. Perhaps they're trying to hint
something about his sexuality? Could he be gay?
No gay man
could possibly choose an outfit that horrible. It's like some horrible mix
between a bandito and Ace Ventura. Still, Corey has no problem walking
around with his custom outfit in the local comic book shop as if he is
the man. But this is no mere comic book store. It's actually a front
for the most fearsome vampire hunters to ever walk the planet, or at least
this particular boardwalk...
THE FROG BROTHERS!
(Corey Feldman) and Allen (Jamison Newlander) are the Frog brothers and
they work at the local comic book shop. They're immediately alarmed by the
new, and badly-dressed presence that has just entered their shop. Right after they're done mocking
Sam's "civilian wardrobe" they decide to give him a little insight about what
really goes on in this town since he's obviously completely uninformed.
"Take this, it could save your life..."
Sam a "Vampires Everywhere!" comic book, even though he claims to not
enjoy horror comics. First the bad clothes and now he doesn't enjoy horror
comics? Just what in the hell is wrong with this kid anyway? Anyway, before
chasing some hooligans away from their store, Edgar warns Sam about the
comic: "It could save your life." Chilling words, but even more chilling
is thinking about how two Corey's once starred in the raunchy flick "Blown
Away". Actually, that movie is 5 times scarier than The Lost Boys
could ever be. Guess
I'll have to dare to review that one sometime soon too...
Two of the
hooligans that stole some comics from the Frog brother's store are now
sitting in a car in an empty parking lot. Between reading the comics and
some sexual harassment, they fail to realize that the lights have all
turned red (always a bad sign in horror movies). Seconds later, the roof
of the car is torn off and the guy is dragged into the sky by some unseen
force. The girl soon follows after she's done screaming for a minute (while
trying not to smile). Those pesky vampires must be up to no good!
Grandpa's pad, we see that Corey has again gone through a wardrobe change.
Is it any better? Sure, if you prefer to have your waist look like a
friggin' lampshade. So he makes his way back to the comic shop where the
Frog brothers inform him that the comic book shop is just their "cover".
They're actually dedicated to a higher purpose... they're "fighters for
truth, justice, and the American way." They give Sam another informative
horror comic with their phone number on the back and tell him to pray that
he never has to call them. If I were them, I'd be praying that Sam never
comes back to their store. With that horrible attire, he's probably
scaring away all of their customers.
the babe, "Star", who Michael quickly becomes infatuated with. But it
appears that she's taken... taken by Kiefer. So they all go on a
motorcycle ride through the beach to the sounds of some cheesy 80's synth rock. Ah young
of which, back in his room, Sam (in yet another hideous shirt) walks over
to his closet to put away one of grandpa's stuffed animal creations. But
there's something on the door that didn't seem appropriate. It's a sexy
poster of Rob Lowe, showing off those abs and his dreamy eyes. Ok,
so maybe Sam really is gay. Then again, who couldn't fall for Rob Lowe's
gaze. He's... so... dreamy. <3
Michael, the bikers have just taken him down into their secret layer. They start scarfing down on some Chinese food when
David asks Michael, "You're
eating maggots, how do they taste?" And sure enough, what he thought was
rice turned out to be a bunch of wiggly maggots. But no really! Oh you
vampires with your silly mind games, how ever will we be able to trust
you? Well, apparently Michael is very trusting because when David tells
him to take a drink and "be one of us", he chugs away without hesitation.
Fact: Peer pressure... it's a real bitch when vampires are involved.
Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K
take Michael to the railroad bridge where they apparently enjoy hanging
from underneath it while the train runs by. Once again, Michael goes
along with it like a good little doggie. Soon enough, a train comes by and
they all fall off one by one, while Michael starts to freak out. He loses
his grip and...
unconscious into his bed. Great transition eh? Sure haven't seen that one
before! Down in the kitchen grandpa is getting ready for a hot date but
has no aftershave. And it is at this point that we learn a valuable
lesson. He just sprays some Windex on his hands, slaps it on his
face, and he's ready to go out on the town to get some booty. Damn that's
smooth grandpa, real smooth! Oh Corey! It's time for your bubble bath!
movie get any scarier? Corey Haim splashing around in a bubble bath while
singing old tunes in his own agonizing high-pitched shrill. "I ain't got a maaaaaan..."
he sings while bopping around the tub. Oh yeah, this kid is definitely gay.
will save us from having to endure more of
Corey Haim singing in the bathtub bubbles?