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Friday January 19 10:34 PM EST
Hitler To Be New Metallica Bassist

Adolf Hitler has just been confirmed as the next bass player for the world-famous metal band, Metallica. This came as a huge shock to fans of the band who were sure they would be hiring Satan himself. "We felt that Hitler was the only guy who could understand our stand in the music industry. He knows all about rules, regulations, and punishing those that aren't like him. That's how we feel about people stealing our music. If they download MP3 files of our music, we should be allowed to punish them. So as you can see, he'll fit in nicely. Not to mention, he can play a mean bass guitar!" said Lars in a statement to the press.

(from the left) Metallica: Lars, James, Adolf, and Kirk.

On Wednesday, bassist Jason Newsted, a 14 year veteran of the band, announced he was leaving due to "private and personal reasons". After being tortured by some of our brutes, he confessed his reasons. "It's time I came out of the closet. I've hidden this for 14 long years and I can't keep it inside anymore. I'm... I'm... I'm addicted to polka music! All I want to do is play polka!" yelled Jason. He was killed shortly thereafter.

When asked what prompted him to tryout for the band, Hitler responded, "Well, it can't hurt my public image. I figured, if I joined Metallica, I'd look like a pretty decent guy compared to them". Though that may be true, many people are skeptical about this line-up lasting. "There's gonna be some fights between them, I reckon!", said Jeb Hawkins, a self-proclaimed die-hard Metallica fan. Lars Ulrich was also quoted saying, "I have admit, Hitler can be a little too whiny, even for me."

Still, the band tried to extinguish the worries of their fans. "Don't worry about it, he can't be that bad of a guy, right?", said lead vocalist James Hetfield. When we explained to James about the holocaust he responded with a dumbfounded look on his face, "What do you mean he killed all those people? We just played 2 sold-out shows in Germany! If he had killed all these people, then how could we have sold out a huge stadium 2 nights in a row? There wouldn't be enough people to fill the stadium for even one night. Say, have you seen my beer?"

The real test will be whether Metallica's fans will buy into their next album, tentatively titled, "Holocaust? What Holocaust?". It's rumored that they're new sound is more that of a German Industrial band, rather than their recent "Let's cut our hair and write a bunch of shitty songs" style. Critics say that the change in the line-up won't affect their sales because, "Metallica fans are just completely fucking stupid. They'll buy any shit that Metallica puts out. Even worse, they'll agree with anything that Lars, the little troll himself, has to say." So break out your copy of "Mein Kampf" and get ready to rock, because with their title track ""Holocaust Shmolocaust, More Beer!", "...we're here to stay, even if that means we only make 30 million a year."

"I have admit, Hitler can be a little too whiny, even for me." -Lars Ulrich

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