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M&M's Dirty Little Secret
by: -RoG-

M&M's. The mere mention of these little chocolate devils can make the average snacker turn into a wide-eyed freak who will stop at nothing until his cravings are satiated. "But they're just stupid little chocolate candies! What's the big deal?" Oh yes, it's easy to think that way, but M&M's have been pounded into our minds over the years. We neeeeeeed the M&M's. We waaaaaaaaant the M&M's. We'll KILLLLLL for the M&M's!!! But if you think we've been brainwashed, wait until you see what M&M's have done to athletes - baseball players in particular.

YAY GREEN! :(
GO TEAM!

Look at that green team go! Yes indeed, the green baseball team known as "The J's" are apparently doing really, really well in this game. Why they're not called the "M's" is beyond me. So anyway, what's their big secret to winning? Years of training? Nonstop practice? Great teamwork? No... they have a secret weapon.

The All-Star with a secrat! :o
Yeah, I know... I'm bad.

TOTALLY AWESOME! NO REALLY! I LOVE YOU! DO YOU LOVE ME?
"Your batting average is totally awesome! What's your secret!?"

As little Kevin kisses his star-player friend's ass and overacts like a mofo, he discovers the truth behind this little league team's star player. He's been taking some performance enhancers...

That finger is NOT real damnit!
M&M's!!!

Man I hate how that pointing finger looks, I swear it's fake! Anyway, it turns out that these little candy-coated chocolates are more than just happy sparks of glee for your taste buds. According to star-player-boy here, if you eat a certain color before going up to bat, you'll get a certain type of hit. If he says so, it's gotta be GUARANTEED!

For example:

  • Eat a Brown M&M and get a single.

  • Eat a Yellow M&M and get a double.

  • Eat a Orange M&M and get a triple.

But there's only one M&M that can juice up a player well enough to hit a home-run...

CHA-CHING!
THE MIGHTY GREEN M&M. AWWW YEAH!

And this is what I'll do to your face if you don't OBEY!
"WITH THE GREEN ONES, I TAKE THE BALL DOWWWWN TOWWWN!"

Star-player-boy demonstrates his powerful green M&M swing to the delight of Kevin. And that right there was all it took to convince us kids that we needed to always keep the green M&M's to ourselves. We were positive that no matter what hardships life shoved in our faces, we'd be able to conquer them simply by eating a green M&M. You see folks, logic isn't necessary to sell a product... especially to kids. All you need is a gimmick, even an insane formula like "eating our candy = you'll be a home-run hero" can actually work.

SUPER-DUPER! YOU'RE MY HERO! I HEART J00!
"MAGNIFICENT!"

Little Kevin is completely amazed upon finding out how he too can become a star with a little help from M&M's. He actually says "Magnificent" in an extremely overdramatic tone. I don't know where they found this kid, but a Shakespearian actor he is not. If I was on a baseball team and I said "MAGNIFICENT!" like this kid did to one of my teammates, they'd most likely kick my teeth in. I guess it's a good thing that sports bore the hell out of me and I couldn't act that badly if I tried.

UH OH! GOLLY GEE! I'M DONE FOR! HELP ME!
"Kevin! You're up!"

Next, young Kevin freaks out when it's his turn to go up to bat. "Quick gimme a green one!!!" he pleads as his little heart races with anxiety. I swear he sounds just like a junkie, begging for a quick fix. Starting to see my point here people? Gooood...

The first one is always free. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!
"Here, the first one's on the house! After that, we'll work out a payment plan.
If you don't pay me on time, I'll stick ya with a shiv. Comprende?"

Star-player-boy tells little Kevin that he's only got one green one left, and he's saving it for himself. But, he sees Kevin as a potential future customer, so he gives him an orange (ie: a triple) just so he can have a taste of what it's like to be a star player. After that, he'll surely be coming back for more on a regular basis.

BOOO YEAH!
We got ourselves another junkie!

Sure enough, Kevin does well and Star-player-boy celebrates with one of his ho's over their latest customer. Now, today Major League Baseball is plagued with stories of steroid use along with all sorts of other performance enhancers. You know why? It's because all the stars of today grew up watching this same M&M commercial over and over again. And just like all drugs, you need something better after a while as you try to feel as good as you did on that first magical trip. Well, baseball players soon realized that the green M&M's just weren't doing it for them anymore, so they moved onto something better... like anabolic steroids. So if you want to point the finger at someone for the downfall of sports in general, look no further than M&M's. "Pop a few pills... er... candies and you'll feel all better" was their message, and many fell for it.

Something else needs to be said too. Since they've introduced new colors into the M&M's family, what do these new colors equate to in sports?

  • Does eating a Purple M&M give you jock itch?

  • Does eating a Red M&M make you accidentally swallow your spitting tobacco?

  • Does eating a Blue M&M make you shatter the dreams of a kid who once looked up to you as a role model as you sink into a life of booze, prostitutes, and twinkies?

I don't know, but I'm sure as hell going to stay away from them. I'll leave that little taste test up to you more experimental kids out there. And who knows what effects combining some the colors could have on your life. I dare not even think about it. Even more puzzling: is the singular form of M&M just "M"??? You know, if you wanted just one would you say, "Can I have an M please?" or would you say "Can I have an M&M?" I've pondered over all these things for far too long. Now, my friends, it's your turn.

Click here to download the original commercial!

the end.

-RoG-


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