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Masters of the Universe mini-comic: "Skeletor's Dragon"
by: -RoG-

When it came to He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, one thing I always liked was that the action figures always came with their own mini-comics. Usually the comics related to the action figure that you purchased so that you could act out the same storyline with your newfound figure. Now while these mini-comics certainly bring back some good memories, there's no denying that the quality of writing was crude at best. In fact, when you look back on some of them, it's hard to imagine being so completely engulfed in such lacking stories. Sure, they had less space to work with than a regular comic book, but was it really that hard to put a cohesive tale together?

With this in mind, I thought we could taker a closer look at one such story today:

Admit it, you want furry underpants like that too.

No real problems so far, though why He-Man would choose to fight Skeletor with a simple battle axe instead of his infamous "power sword" is beyond me. Also, could Skeletor possibly have more things to attack He-Man with here? He's got a sword in one hand, a chain whip in the other, a little dragon on his shoulder and an angry Battle Bones to ride on. Talk about overcompensating...

Skeletor has never looked worse than he does here.

Whoah, whoah, whoah! Hold on there. Ignoring the fact that we've had two title pages in a row - what is going on with Skeletor here? That is not his regular armor. I've seen Battle Damage Skeletor, I've seen Terror Claws Skeletor, but what's this one supposed to be? S&M Skeletor? Furthermore, why did the artist decide to give him He-Man's furry underpants instead of the far more respectable evil-purple loin cloth we all grew to love? Well the answer is that this is actually based on the Dragon Blaster Skeletor action figure; but the figure looks far less flamboyant than the artist's rendition. Also, Skeletor's Dragon doesn't appear to be helping very much except for maybe shouting out some words of encouragement.

Come on Skeletor, let the Dragon finish doing his "business"

I really don't think the Dragon was trying to dig into that mound to help Skeletor out. I think he was just trying to dig a hole in which he could take a big dragon shit. That's one hell of a useful sidekick you've got there, Skeletor.

That creature must've had a HUGE head in real life.

I love how they're both standing in front of this giant pile of bones, yet Skeletor stills feels the need to ask, "See it, Dragon?" Actually, Skeletor could have named his Dragon something better than "Dragon" don't you think? Considering it makes the "gyipe!" yelp of a canine, even something like "Fido" or "Old Yeller" would've been a better name for it.

I like it how Battles Bones was pink for a moment. Skeletor should've kept it pink to go with his outfit.

See? He named that big pile of bones it "Battle Bones" instead of just "Bones". Looks like the dragon is really getting screwed over.

Congrats on your archery victory Teela! Now, on your knees you go!

Nice, so because she's a girl, they don't have Teela compete against anyone and declare her the winner of the archery contest. After all, surely any boy would outdo her if they were to compete, right? To add insult to her, it looks as though she's about to pleasure the king as a way of saying thank you for pronouncing her the victor. Gottle love that bottom left picture of Fisto too. He looks so goddamned happy there. If only he had a frothy mug of ale in his steel fist so that he could make a toast to the gods...

HAR! HAR! HAR!
MUCH BETTER!

Ok, moving right along with the story...

Poor Stratos, always left to make lame remarks such as, "By the great north wind!"

Was it really necessary for He-Man to be holding his shield after transforming? I mean, I know he needs the sword to transform, but the shield is unnecessary since he's just going to play some games in a tournament. Gotta love how modest he is, even though he and everybody else knows for a fact that he'll win any contest involving strength. And what does he get for winning the tower of power contest? Why, he receives a nice "Sieg Heil!" from Man-At-Arms of course!

Way to go Mekanek! You really saw that one coming!

Isn't the point of Mekanek to be able to spot enemies from far away so that they have enough time to get away? Yet in the fourth frame, it's quite clear that his extendo-neck isn't needed to see the danger that's right in front of them. At least we now know what those S&M chains on Skeletor's outfit were really for. Still, it's just chains. Did he really need to wear a completely different outfit just so he could use them?

Gotta love the pic where the three of them are trembling beneath Skeletors groin.

And now we know that his little Dragon actually does have a use: Hypno-Mist! But really, why would you want to put them to sleep when you could hypnotize them? Wouldn't that be a better use for something called "Hypno-Mist"? You know, Skeletor could make Ram Man slam headfirst into the crotches of his compadres or something along those lines. But no, he puts them to sleep and has Battle Bones carry them away, instead of biting them in half. Skeletor really needs to take a "evil" refresher course if you ask me.

Like you wouldn't hear that huge pile of bones coming from a mile away...

Nice how long it takes them all to notice the giant Battle Bones beast approaching them. I guess being Masters of the Universe doesn't include being Masters of Peripheral Vision.

So why does the dragon hold onto the shield with its teeth when He-Man throws it away like a frisbee!?

So the brilliant little Dragon decides to bite He-Man's shield instead of spraying him with its Hypno-Mist at close range. Again, Skeletor has clearly chosen his minions wisely.

Nice uh... "space portal" you got there, Skel.

So how exactly does He-Man escape the mythical chains that were made to drain power? No explanation is given at all. He-Man simply doesn't give up and that somehow enables him to break free from the power-draining chains? Yyyyyeah... so the message here is to never give up kids. Even if you're trapped and there's clearly no possible way for you to escape and you're surely doomed, don't give up.

Of course, the Sorceress shows up after they could've used her help

Ok, the comic clearly could have ended on this page with a celebration or something, but instead, they decide to have Battle Bones tell his story? Battle Bones toy was nothing more than an action figure holder really, it didn't need to have a voice or a story for chrissakes. Mekanek also appears to have lost any self-control of his extendo-neck.

Whoah! Battle Bones ate his mate!!!

I like how Battle Bones explains that one day his mate died all of a sudden one day with no explanation as to how or why. If you look in the bottom left frame though, it looks like something ate her. My guess is that Battle Bones got tired of eating plants and decided to eat her instead. Also something to note, his mate actually appears to have eyelashes. I'm pretty sure creatures like dinosaurs (or whatever the hell Battle Bones is supposed to be) didn't have eyelashes. And if they did, they wouldn't have mascara on to accentuate the fact that they were female dinosaurs ike the artist did with this one.

Welcome, Battle Bones! Welcome to a life of boney slavery!

So instead of taking pity of Battle Bones and letting him lay his weary bones to rest for all eternity, they basically turn him into a slave for Eternia? Real nice. So much for the forces of good, eh? Well that wraps up the story of Skeletor's Dragon. I'm sure it's made you feel 50 times smarter than you actually are, but hey, that's the power of He-Man.

And now I leave you with a few of the rarely seen "director's cut" frames of this Masters of the Universe mini-comic. It's a pity they never actually used these frames because I believe it really would've made it a far more interesting story.

His other two faces are holding their breath too.

Nor would you WANT to catch him in there...

Oh Fisto!

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-


Want to see more He-Man and the Masters of the Universe comics?
CHECK OUT THIS REMAKE OF THE
ORIGINAL HE-MAN MINI-COMIC!


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