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MWAHAHAHAHAAA!
by: FatSatan

This year, when you're out trick-or-treating in a weird costume, or watching a crappy horror movie while eating candy, or egging the house of that old lady on the corner to see if you can scare the old bat into a heart-attack, think about me for a second. And count your blessings.

You see, though I am on the staff of an English humor site, writing English pieces in English, I am actually a foreigner from Foreignia. The Netherlands in Europe, to be precise. To give you an idea of where that is, here's a schematic of its location:

the Netherlands
the Netherlands
Germany
Germany
France
France

So, you're thinking "Why should I care about some nobody in a country that's smaller than my entire hometown?". Well, if you'll shut the hell up for a moment, I'll tell you. Many of your capitalist pigdog ways have found their way into Europe: Vanilla Coke (though, we prefer to call it urine), kindergarten shoot-outs, the Osbournes (thanks especially for that one!). Unfortunately, not counted among those is the day called Halloween. It's not that Dutch calendars don't have October 31st on them, it's just that we don't do anything special on that day. No dressing up, no worship of the forces of darkness, not even candy. That is why, this year, I decided to celebrate a Dutch Halloween... all by myself! I present to you FatSatan's step-by-step guide to having your own One Man's Halloween!



Now, any small child can tell you that it's folly to plan such an event without a list of necessities. Though, a small child probably wouldn't use a word as 'folly'. I mean, he'd probably say 'stupid' or maybe some made-up word like 'wuzizzies'. But I digress. Keeping close track of everyone preparing for Halloween, I noted the following requirements:
  • A Halloween costume.
  • Halloween decorations.
  • A scary pumpkin carving.
  • A rented horror movie.
  • Candy.
  • A trick-or-treating route.




  • A HALLOWEEN COSTUME

    For me, the essence of Halloween really lies in the costume. Sure, there's candy and spookiness too, but I guess I'm flamboyant like that. A good costume requires either a lot of time or a lot of $ponduli, but since I had neither of those (OK, that's a lie. I have plenty of cash. But I'm also Dutch, and have an exceptionally frugal stereotype to live up to), this would have to be a last-minute creation. I went to work with whatever I had lying around the house.

    I can seee yoooouuu...
    Cheap Scream knock-off
    I can wipe my ass with my head!
    The Invisible Man

    #1: Cheap Scream knock-off

    Scream masks suck. They're just a crappy slab of plastic, there's bound to be ten people wearing them wherever you go, and you're paying 90% merchandising for said crappy slab of plastic. That is why you should buy the cheap Scream knock-off mask. Every store probably has its variation on them, and they'll be near the actual Scream masks. Get a coat, some gloves, and a creepy-looking knife, and you're set! A fear-inspiring ensemble at reasonable price.

    #2: The Invisible Man

    Now this here's an old classic. All you basically need is bandages and a pair of sunglasses. Of course, if your sister has a condition that makes her slit her throat at the sound of Bill Cosby's voice (I'm not saying I do, I'm just accounting for every possibility here), you'll want to use something else for this costume. That is why the good lord invented toilet paper. At least if your dad gets the runs, he can just use a towel. Wind it around your head, slap on some shades, and Bob's your uncle according to the blood test. Of course, the end result doesn't look as much like an Invisible Man as it looks like a Bathroom Funk Mummy, but that's not bad either. Just stay away from candles and bring someone along to keep you out of the road if you go trick-or-treating.

    STOP!
    Gatekeeper from Nightmare
    My dog has no nose!
    Adolf Hitler

    #3: Gatekeeper from Nightmare

    Remember the board game with videotape, Nightmare? The costume for the character of the Gatekeeper, who guides you through the game, is quite easy to do. Find some article of clothing that can serve as a cowl, and you're basically set. Unfortunately, it's a bit of a pickle to apply the necessary Photoshop effects to this costume if you go outside. Save this one for if you mean to spend your Halloween on webcam.

    #4: Adolf Hitler

    Whoops. This picture's actually from my high school's "Dress Up As Your Childhood Hero" day. You'd better not use this idea for Halloween. I don't think Mrs. Goldstein ever recovered.

    Mr. Anders... what's this sock doing around my neck?
    Agent from "The Matrix"

    #5: Agent from "The Matrix"

    There's plenty people out there who just put on sunglasses and claim to be a character from the hit movie "The Matrix". Some of these people even do it on Halloween. And you can join them. If you have a sharp-looking suit lying around, pull it out of the mothballs and you're set. I do recommend you get a clip-on tie. After wrestling with a real tie for a few hours, I went with a black sock.



    HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS

    Now that you're dressed up yourself, it's time to dress up your surroundings. Most stores will sell a wide variety of spooky lights, pictures and objects to hang around the house. Not over here, though. With the word "SPOOKY" in the back of my mind, I went on a search through the house to find myself some decorations.


    Twinkly... I mean, spooky.
    SPOOKY lights!

    I strung up my old Christmas lights to give the house a gloom of imminent terror. Though I had to make a conscious effort not to whistle "Jingle Bells", I felt stricken with fear all night long.


    No, not oops... GOOPS!
    SPOOKY frisbee!

    Ha! I bet that picture scared ya. You might remember these; GOOPS, rubber flat monsters to throw as frisbees. Hang on one the wall and you will throw frightful glances at it every minute. Are its eyes following me? Ooooooh... Am I allergic to its particular mixture of latex? Eeeeeeeek... Are its toxic fumes causing me to lose consciou-


    HELP!
    SPOOKY note!

    When I came to, I gave my decorations an appreciative glance and noted that I needed a picture of sorts to complete the package. I decided to write "BOO!" on a slip of paper and hang it on the wall, making it seem as if a ghost had written it... Of course, since I was the only one celebrating Halloween, there was no one around to fall for it. So I feigned terror a few times to praise my own hard work.



    A SCARY PUMPKIN CARVING

    Jack O'Lanterns are the icon of Halloween. I had to have a pumpkin carving to not only compliment my Halloween decorations, but to also feel the true spirit of Halloween. Naturally, there wasn't a pumpkin in sight. Not even a melon, which would've served as an adequate replacement. After a long search through the house for any sort of compatible fruit or vegetable, I came up with...


    It's a terrifying, smiling potato! Fear the gloom of the terrifying, smiling potato!
    ...a potato.


    I felt quite satisfied with my handiwork and, that night, had a fabulous nightmare in which the potato came to kill me with its poisonous stalks.



    A RENTED HORROR MOVIE

    TICKS.

    Ticks! Bigger-than-average ticks attack a group of kids in the woods. Probably the greatest work of horror that the 90s gave us. It had everything a horror fan can hope for:

    MODERN DAY PROBLEMS!
    A group of kids, all of whom have had a run-in with the law!


    CONTROVERSY!
    Near the kids' camp, marijuana farmers are pushing the growth of their plants through the use of steroids!

    MORALITY!

    Through the attack of moderately big ticks, the kids learn about the value of life!

    GORE!

    During a shocking climactic scene in the movie, a giant tick bursts out of a kid's body!

    Clint Howard - A REAL STUD.
    CLINT HOWARD!

    You can't have a halfway decent horror movie if you don't toss in Clint Howard, brother of director Ron "Richie" Howard! He also starred in "The Ice Cream" man, another fine horror movie that can't be missed!


    # It's not unusual to be loved by anyone... #
    ALFONSO RIBEIRO!
    All that makes a great movie of course, but the real jewel was the presence of Alfonso Ribeiro, whom everyone will recognize as Carlton Banks from "the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". Nothing is more hilarious than seeing Carlton acting out the role of Darrel "Panic" Lumley, a role written by a white guy who possibly had every intent to ridicule Carlton for all he's worth. In fact, Carlton's the one that eventually gets his head torn open to reveal the mandibles of a giant tick growing inside of him. I just wish they'd left in the extra footage of him doing his "Tom Jones"-dance when nobody's watching.



    CANDY

    Ah, candy. Treasure and toothache. Child's currency. Made from the waste products of African wildlife. I was going to go trick-or-treating, but since no one was expecting me, I needed a back-up supply of candy. By this time the stores were closed, so I went on yet another hunt through the depths of the house for something sweet. The can of sugar looked tasty until a rat popped out of it and started asking me riddles, so I grabbed a bag of biscuits.


    Mmm. Good boy.
    All right, so they're technically dog biscuits.
    That doesn't mean I can't appreciate that real
    liver and tuna taste... with just a hint of cheese.




    A TRICK-OR-TREATING ROUTE

    My "candy" left me thoroughly revolted, so I decided to wash its taste down with some real sweets gained by a round of trick-or-treating. I mapped a route along the houses in my street and went out in my costume, ringing door after door.

    My neighborhood.

    After twelve accounts of "Get lost, weirdo" from my neighbors, three accounts of "Little bitch" from the old folks' home, and one account of "Come inside, I'll show you a treat and a trick you can do with it." from that old guy that answered the door in his underpants, I began to realize that this was going nowhere. Besides, my left eye hurt pretty bad from when that old albino lady on 3A hit me in the face with a shovel. I wasn't going to get any candy out of this, just more physical pain. I went back inside and picked up a safer solution:

    Let's bother some people.
    The cellphone.

    Dialing some random numbers, I managed to fill the rest of the evening with long distance trick-or-treater fun.

    *beeeeep... beeeeep... - click*
    "Trick or-"
    "EEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
    "Trick or trea-"
    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEE"
    "Trick-"
    "EEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
    *click - beep beep beep*

    *beeeeep... beeeeep... - click*
    "Is that you, Mavis?"
    "Uhhh... no?"
    "No, you're not Mavis, or no, you don't know?"
    "No, I'm not Mavis."
    "Oh, so you're not Mavis."
    "No."
    "No, you're not Mavis or no, you're not not Mavis, so you are Mavis?"
    "Uh..."
    "Mavis?"
    "Trick or treat?"
    "What was that, Mavis? Your voice sounds different."
    "I'm not-"
    "Come home soon, Mavis. I'm wearing my leather-"
    *click - beep beep beep*

    *beeeeep... beeeeep... - click*
    "This is 911 emergencies, may I help you?"
    "Trick or treat!"
    "I'm sorry? You'll have to speak up. Are you in need of police assistance , an ambulance, or-"
    "I said trick or treat!"
    "Huh? I'm sorry, I don't under-"
    (Interjected voice) "Barbara? I got this guy on the line who's having a heart-attack and I don't know how to patch him through to medical emergencies..."
    "Just a second, I have to talk to this guy."
    "Trick or treeeaaat..."
    "If you'll just give me your name and address..."
    (Interjected voice) "Oh, crudmonkeys. I accidently hung up."
    "Trick or... ah, forget it."
    "Sir, please, it's a federal offence to-"
    *click - beep beep beep*



    That night I went to sleep, feeling tired and aching and sick to my stomach, but satisfied at having celebrated a succesful One Man's Halloween. Perhaps I'll do it again next year! Perhaps not. Nevertheless, enjoy your own Halloween, One Man or not.

    FatSatan



    Mmm, peanut butter.
    HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

    CLICK FOR MORE HALLOWEEN STUFF ON I-MOCKERY!


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