Gather around friends, I come to you today to bring you hope. I come here to bring you a keg of glee in a world that makes you chug down bottles of misery on a daily basis. So just what is this miracle that is going to revive your spirit? Is it some new wonder drug that comes in an easy-to-swallow pill? Is it a winning Multi-Million Dollar Lottery Ticket just for you? Is it me announcing that I-Mockery.com is going to close forever and I'm going to set myself on fire? Even though all of these things would surely make you happy, the answer is still NO! So what could it be? What can make you feel so damned good about yourself and life in general? The answer is simple:

PICKLES.

First, allow me to explain. I've never liked pickles. In fact, I've always thought that they looked, smelled, and tasted downright nasty. When I was a kid somebody told me that the Incredible Hulk ran the pickle business. He would take huge shits into jars, put labels on them, and call them pickles. Clearly, the thought of eating the Hulk's patented "Dung-In-A-Jar" wasn't an appealing idea to me. And even though it was obvious that this wasn't true, the "idea" of it was enough to make it unappetizing. I also recall Damon Wayans acting as a bum on the show, "In Living Color". He carried a "portable toilet" around with him, which was a jar with a pickle floating in apple juice. But it was obviously meant to look like a jar full of shit and piss. And look like shit and piss IT DID!

*Eungh!* The Hulk produces another quality jar of "pickles".

With all of this in mind, why do I now adore pickles? Well, it's all thanks to the pickle people at Gedney. They must have known that many people all over the world associated pickles with poop. So, they came up with a great idea that would make people lose their fears, and fall in love with pickles once again:

MAKE PICKLE HATS AND GIVE THEM OUT FOR FREE!

And just what is a Pickle Hat? It's not some typical baseball cap that just says "I support pickles". No siree! Pickle Hats have STYLE. Pickle Hats have CHARISMA! Pickle Hats have PIZAZZ! You see, a Pickle Hat is SHAPED JUST LIKE A PICKLE!

Gedney must have some brilliant people in their marketing department. Not only did they come up with the idea of making a pickle hat, but they also created an ad that makes you CRAVE a Pickle Hat more than anything on earth! Just look at this brilliant ad:

FREE PICKLE HAT! FREE PICKLE HAT!

LOOK AT HIM! That kid is so goddamned happy it makes me ill! He is so proud of his Pickle Hat that he couldn't give a DAMN about the corny overalls with suspenders he's wearing! And that's all it took. After I saw this ad I was CONVINCED that I NEEDED to own a Pickle Hat. This ad made me believe that even if I was lying naked in an alley after being raped by Wilford Brimley, I'd still be feeling pretty good about life as long as I had my Pickle Hat on. And to this day, I still believe that to be true.

Wilford Brimley. He'll give you Quaker Oats, and then he'll steal your soul.

So first I went to their web site to find out just how to get my own "Free Pickle Hat", and all I had to do was give them my name, address, and 2 different UPC numbers from any Gedney pickle products. Easy as pie! Or so I thought...

I checked my local grocery store's "pickle section" and there were no Gedney products to be found. I was devastated, but I wasn't ready to give up yet. I decided to search the web in the hopes that some other person out there had posted Gedney Pickle UPC codes. Sure, it was a long shot that there was anybody else out there that gave a damn about this Pickle Hat as much as I did, but I had to TRY! And believe it or not, I found several pages that had posted various UPC codes from Gedney products for me to copy-paste into the "Free Pickle Hat" form on Gedney's site.

So it was done. I sent in my address information and the UPC codes and now all I had to do was wait 4-6 weeks for delivery. Almost two months had gone by and I still hadn't received my Pickle Hat. I was beginning to worry. Actually, I was waking up screaming in a sweat soaked bed. Sure, this could have been because of the homicidal clown that lives under my bed. Still, I'm SURE that at least one of the times I woke up screaming was because of my fear of never wearing a Pickle Hat.

Completely fed up, I decided to contact Gedney:

Subject: My Gedney Pickle Hat order 

Hi, 

I ordered a Pickle Hat from Gedney online over 2 months ago and I still have not received it. I just wanted to know if you have sent it out yet or not. 

Please write back as soon as possible! Thanks! 

Shortly after I received this message:

Subject: RE: My Gedney Pickle Hat order

The UPC numbers listed on the free website were incorrect. You needed to purchase 2 jars of our products to receive the free hat. Thank you. 

THEY FOUND ME OUT!

These Gedney Pickle People sure were tricky. They must have known that Pickle Hats were going to be in huge demand, so they changed the UPC numbers so that all the ones that were posted on the web wouldn't work! So I wrote them back and explained that I didn't have any places that sold Gedney products in my area. I offered to just buy the Pickle Hat. Hell, I would have sold them my SOUL for a Pickle Hat at that point!

They responded with this:

Send in 2 UPC numbers from any 2 Cains Pickle products and we will send you either a Gedney hat or a Cain hat. Thank you. 

Those cold, heartless bastards. Apparently "Gedney" and "Cains" pickles were one in the same. They wouldn't take my money the easy way... they wanted proof that I went out of my way to get their pickles and they would accept nothing less! THIS WAS WAR!

I started asking everybody I knew to look for Gedney and/or Cains pickle products and to mail me the UPC numbers. Most people couldn't find them, but then one fine Pickle Hunter Extraordinaire came to the rescue. My pal from the message forums, Pigvomit, got me the two upc codes I needed from a local grocery store! He and I both sent in our UPC codes and shortly thereafter we received our Pickle Hats! VICTORY!!!! The time had finally arrived. I was going to wear my Pickle Hat for the first time! I would no longer be a Pickle Hat virgin!

I combined my Pickle hat with the best pair of goggles I could find and here was the result:

note: Pickle Hat does not come with "Wacky Space Guy Goggles".

I had achieved godliness, and it's all because of a Pickle Hat. And what's even better, they sent me TWO Pickle Hats! One for Gedney Pickles, one for Cains Pickles! Sure, they're basically identical, but that's not the point. The point is... I HAVE TWO PICKLE HATS!!! YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT HAVING TWO PICKLE HATS!

But the fun doesn't stop there. Inside my Cains Pickle Hat was a fun-filled Pickle activity! You actually get to color in the Cains Pickle Man! Just click on his picture below to print him out and color him in and enjoy!

[Click here to open Pickle Man in a new window to print him out]

Now coloring in the Pickle Man sure is a lot of fun. But even more fun is taking the picture of him and adding it to other photos! Hawaiian Mage (a regular on our message forums) created some damned fine Pickle Man photo hybrids. If his pics don't make you laugh, then you can go back to watching Bob Saget on Full House and kiss my ass.

Behold Hawaiian Mage's Pickle Mastery:

Also, if you create a great Pickle Man photo hybrid of your own, send it to us or post it on our message forums and we'll put it up on this site for everyone to see! So get to work and make up some of your own "Pickle Man in action" pictures and send them to us!

And finally, for more pickle fun be sure to check out Gedney's site and play their "Pickle In The Middle" Shockwave game. After playing that ingenious game, it become crystal clear to me that Gedney would soon be taking over this planet. I'm sure you'll feel the same.

You can't tell me that that this game doesn't look awesome.
Pickle Man even LAUGHS AT YOU if he catches the ball!

So get out there and find yourself some Gedney/Cains UPC codes and get yourself that Pickle Hat at www.GedneyPickle.com ! I'd give you my codes, but then a million people would submit the same two codes and Gedney would be onto us yet again. Getting a free Pickle Hat is your only chance at salvation my friends. Things that good don't always come easy... but in the end, it's always worth the effort you put in. So do whatever it takes to get one!

Pickles be with you all...

PICKLE HAT UPDATE!!
You can supposed get a Pickle Hat of your very own by following these simple instructions. Send $1 and a letter telling them that you want a Pickle Hat to:

M.A. Gedney Company
P.O. Box 8
Chaska, MN 55318

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