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Spooky Movie Spotlight!


PIECES!

by: Killing Joke

Have you ever been driving down the highway, just going along with your normal day, when you happen to see a real nasty car wreck in the horizon? Even though you are heading down the road at 65 mph, you completely compelled to slow down the car to a crawl to witness the upcoming carnage. Now you are completely able to see all the twisted metal, smashed glass, and (if you're fortuitous to witness such an event) some good old fashioned blood `n guts! Of course, as you see this absolute mess of an accident, you feel completely disgusted with yourself for driving your mind to yet another deeper level of depravity. However, at the same time you also find at ease with a deep feeling of satisfaction overwhelm you. Well… watching "Pieces" is an almost exact situation to the one I have just explained. It is such a horrifying mess, that you cannot believe you are viewing this swill. However, in return you cannot help but to finish watching the movie and laughing yourself to death in the process!

Ahhh, what a good little boy!
"Wow… it's nice to see little Bobby doing something more constructive
with his time rather than watching all those awful Skin-E-Max movies!"

So the movie starts out in Boston with a little boy putting together a puzzle, when his mom walks in approvingly. Awww, what a sweet and endearing beginning to this film! Well, at least it seems that she's approving until she finds out exactly what he's doing! Yessiree… a perfectly pornofied puzzle! (well…I guess it is the 1940's, so I would assume that to be accepted as pornographic)

*GASP!* SEE NO EVIL!
Hrm… I'm having a hard time figuring out what pieces are missing? Wait… I just said
the word "pieces!" The movie happens to be named that too! Well god damn!

The mother completely goes off the hook, calling the puzzle all these unsavory names, with the kid behind her. Of course, she forgets to notice that he has an ax so readily available in his room for moments just like this. Just to think, it was supposed to be used for fire safety!

I DON'T WANT TO EAT MY VEGGIES!
"Go clean up your room right now! Chop Chop!
Hey… wait a second… I didn't mean it literally!"

After the boy is finished committing an extremely bloody matricide, he hacks up her body into a bunch of pieces before the police show up. Now what really bothers me, is who called the police in the first place? Do they just randomly feel like showing up at people's houses for a good look-see? I guess so, because they show up to find the hacked up body (amongst a disembodied head). With our sinister boy fooling them into thinking that he wasn't a part of that awful homicide. That rapscallion! He should be grounded for that. Oh well…Boys will be boys!

A HANDSAW? MAN THIS SUCKS...
"Man, I thought cutting through some grizzle on my T-bone steak was hard.
This is a completely different league!"

All of a sudden, we are taken 30 years into the future, to a college that has to be the sluttiest college in the history of mankind. We have college kids making out, talking about sex, and more than anything else… smoking reefer in the hallways between classes. And they all make brilliant comments such as:

"The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot
and fucking on a waterbed at the same time!"

Ok, maybe the first two things I mentioned aren't too implausible in any day or age at a college, namely since so many college students are just big ol' perverts, but the weed? Come on! I can smell that stuff four hundred feet away in a packed concert arena with no problem at all. Now, how in the hell are these students getting away with that in the hallways? What is this place… Cheech and Chong's University of the Advancement of Cannabis Consumption?

Of course, we get a gratuitous booty shot of a girl studying on the grass before our killer comes up behind her with a chainsaw and lops off her head. Now let me tell you this, it is hard enough to sneak up on someone with a chainsaw, but to successfully catch them off-guard, before disemboweling them is a daunting task to say the least. I know this for a fact, because I tried this with my father yesterday, and the results were less than amusing. I'd come up behind him, but he kept hearing the motor running, and he'd turn around and flick me in the forehead and go back to his business. What made it harder was that it was an electric chainsaw, so I only could go as far as the extension chord would take me. I found this extremely annoying, so I gave up after a few tries. So, my hat (not head) really goes off to the killer in this movie. He does a great job and is a true professional!

OMG! WHERE'D YOU COME FROM! I DIDN'T HEAR YOU!
"Thank god I have no brain to begin with, so this
process is a whole lot less painful than expected!"

At this point, the police start investigating the murder, and they take the most obvious route. What route is that? It's the, "Why don't we ask the guy that owns the chainsaw if he did the murder?" line of questioning. However, they are not fooling with any normal gardener at this college. He goes by the name Willard (no, not Willow, the midget that ended up playing the Leprechaun, you idiots), and his real name is Paul Smith. For you people that don't recognize him, you are truly missing out. Because this man is no mere mortal…he's Bluto from the original "Popeye" movie!

ME BLUTO! YOU STUPID!
Honestly, would you dare to irritate Bluto as he wields a chainsaw?
I know I'm wouldn't.

I'M MEAN!
"I'm mean, I'm mean, I'm mean, you know what I mean!"
Oh shit, you pissed him off. No amount of spinach will save you now.

I guess this is where I'm supposed to tell you all about the deep and intricate details of this mysterious plot. But you aren't going to get it, because there is NO deep plot to give. If you haven't figured out who the killer at this point, you are more than welcome to slit wrists now. Don't worry, I'll wait… (starts tapping foot). Anyways, some more horny teenagers decide that they wanna meet up for a little skinny-dipping. Therefore, this bright-eyed girl decides to hop in the pool naked with the lights off, before her Romeo shows up. However, she gets dragged out of the water with a pool net and then promptly SITS there while the killer revs up his chainsaw and then cuts her into bits and pieces. I'm sorry, but if I saw some guy coming at me with a chainsaw, I think I'd be hauling ass out of there. Of course, I do not think this college made USA Today's top 100 colleges list, so the students probably aren't of high caliber.

See what happens when you swim right after eating?
That's funny, normally when I get out of the pool, my skin just gets wrinkly.

After the murders, Willard comes by just to check out the area to find the bloody chainsaw and immediately gets jumped by the police. However, the cops are not dealing with any mere mortal here. I mean, Popeye even got his ass kicked by Bluto every time before having to juice up on some steroid-like spinach to get even.

BLUTO NO KILL ANYBODY! RAAAAAAR!
"BLUTO NO KILL WITH BLOODY CHAINSAW!
BLUTO INNOCENT! RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"

The police find out that Willard isn't the killer, and again are completely lost on what to do with this case. So they resort to the most intelligent method in the crime fighting process…

I'M NOT SPACING OUT... NO REALLY!
"Huh?"

They get a moron graduate student and a bright-eyed, ex-tennis pro (turned cop) blonde to crack the case. My god, that's sheer genius! Why didn't they handle the O.J. Simpson case like that? (Wait, I think they did.) Oh, by the way, as this all happens, another co-ed is hacked up for barbecue. Wait a second, I'm starting to see a pattern here. Man, this movie is a real thinker! Movies like Brazil and Citizen Kane have nothing on Pieces! And just to think… I skipped seeing a French Film festival to see this movie.

GIRL + CHAINSAW = DEAD.
Again, how many times did I tell you NOT to talk to strangers with chainsaws?

As mentioned earlier, this movie has almost no plot whatsoever, and this scene sums it up nicely. Our female lead is walking home alone, and is all of a sudden attacked by this pseduo-ninja Asian guy. But then, the grad student shows up and he falls to the ground and says (in possibly the WORST Asian accent in the history of mankind), "I'm sawwwy it must have been all that chawp soooey I ate!" and walks off. That's the end of the scene, no explanation other than he was the student's teacher. Brilliant, yes? Even a freaking four-year-old could write a better script than this one.

*HORRIBLE STEREOTYPE ALERT*
Chop Suey! Not really. More like Hong Kong Phooey.

Real big surprise here… another brutal murder occurs during the night! This time he chases down another girl and starts hacking into her on a waterbed and jams a knife through the back of her head resulting in a wonderfully gory end to her existence. Gory deaths in this movie? Deaths involving women? Geez, I thought I was watching the "Steel Magnolias" on DVD!? (note: which is ironically RoG's favorite movie… he weeps like a little girl every time he sees it. editor's note: I'm going to destroy Killing Joke for speaking such lies. EVERYBODY knows I'm a "Fried Green Tomatoes" kinda guy.)

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN. DEAD CHICKEN. :(
Ok, now I clearly remember that one girl saying that smoking pot and
fucking are absolutely wonderful in a waterbed. Does that mean
getting knife through your head feels better as well?

AWWW, BLUTO'S BLOCKING ALL THE GOOD STUFF!
Oh my… the puzzle is almost complete!
Does it means that this atrocious movie is finally going to end?

I guess I could be explaining more of the plot to you, but honestly… there is nothing to explain. If you've made it this far in my review, either you are extremely bored, or the chemicals that you induced earlier on tonight have started to take effect - hence making this little splatter movie a whole lot more interesting than it really seems. Oh yeah, another murder happens too. This murder is in the ladies shower room with the tennis teacher-cop and the moron grad student outside. This time the murderer freaks out the girl so bad that she pisses her pants before he saws her in half!

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, don't be a kid, lift the lid.
Hey… a little fabric cleaner will get that out in no time!

CLEAN UP, AISLE 7.
Nevermind. Forget the fabric cleaner... Get a friggin' mop!

However, our protagonists (and Bluto) never heard the carnage inside, because of some bad marching music cranked over the PA at a deafening volume. But as they find out the atrocity inside, the blonde girl immediately goes outside to yell:

One of the all time best "Bastaaaaard!" shouts!
"BASTARD!!!!!"

She screams it not once, but THREE times at the top of her lungs. Classic!

Well at this point, they are starting to figure out who the murderer is. I can't tell you exactly how they figured that vital piece of information. Because at this point I've completely stopped paying attention to the storyline. If you had half a brain, you have already figured it out anyway within the first 10-20 minutes of watching the flick. Come on, you know there is no way in hell that you actually watched this movie for it's enticing plot structure. "Memento", this is not! Odds are you rented this movie to put on top of the massive pile of porn movies you rented. You thought you could be all sneaky and walk out of the store with no one noticing that you are a big stinky pig that likes to watch "Lesbian Foot Sniffers Vol. 55" over and over again. Am I getting off topic? I must be... Anywho, the blonde heads to the dean's office to give him a nice firm talking to. But the crafty ol` dean decides to slip some roofies in the tennis-cop's tea and she heads off to la-la land.

dum dee dum dee doo...
Hold on a second, I think this is a scene from Lesbian Foot Sniffers Vol. 55.
Did I put in the wrong movie!?

Well, our heroes show up just in the nick of time, and the dean hides behind a curtain while they check out the woman. It's rather funny, you can see the curtain moving behind them while they are standing there trying to figure out where he went. Ahh yes, a movie with no plot holes… wouldn't that be nice? Moving right along, the dean jumps out for a big fight only to get his head blasted open. Which I find greatly disappointing, because all the rest of the movie had some pretty good gore parts, but when they shoot him in the head, it just looks like crap! I guess the budget was running out on them at this point…

SURPRISE! I WAS BEHIND THE CURTAIN YOU FOOL!
YO, WATSON, CHECK BEHIND THE CURTAIN!

NO! THEY SHOT ME WITH A PAINTBALL! I'M FOILED!
Bad hair day, eh?
(no seriously, that's the "big death" of the killer)

So the dean is finally killed and evil has been vanquished right? Wrong. They open a door and a sewed-up woman made of the various body parts of the killer's victims falls out of the closet. My god, so that's what this movie is about?! He was using the women to make his own perfect woman, just like the puzzle he had as a child! Women were nothing but PIECES to him. Who would have thunk it? And all this time I thought this movie was about the deconstruction of the woman as a matriarchal figure in our society. Boy, we can throw that crazy idea right out the window!

Let's sum it up real fast: Blood, gore, chainsaws, boobs, and  bad writing.

Anyways, as if this movie wasn't nonsensical enough, the "pieced-together woman" that the killer was creating, somehow comes to life and rips off the balls of the grad student. Now exactly how does that fit in anywhere!? It doesn't, and I guess that's truly a fitting end for a pointless movie.

MY BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man, I hope he used protection, gangrene is no laughing matter!
Don't believe me? Just ask Bluto!

GANGRENE IS MEANER THAN ME!
GANGRENE IS EVEN MEANER THAN ME!


BUY ME OR BLUTO WILL COME GET YOU!
[Click to buy this DVD on Amazon.com]


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