Oh what, oh
what are insecure parents to do when they find out their son wants to play
with their daughter's Easy-Bake Oven? After all, what kind of manly man
would want to cook? Cooking is for girls right? Pffft. Well anyway, for
those parents that can't get over their own stupid phobias about their son
liking "girly things", the geniuses at Hasbro have come up with a perfect
solution - THE QUEASY BAKE COOKERATOR OVEN!
taken all of the "girly" pink stuff out of the Easy-Bake Oven and replaced
it with "boyish" things such as brains and a spooky light-up face. There
you go dad, now you don't have to worry anymore about your son turning out
to be gay. Instead, all you have to do is worry about your son becoming
insane badger-boy mutant.
So I was
fortunate enough to find one of these bad-boys (the Queasy Bake, not the
kid) in a close-out sale, and the temptation to make things like "Mud 'n
Crud Cake" and "Dip 'n Drool Dog Bone" was far too great for me to resist.
really, how could you NOT buy something awesome as that? Just look at the
face of the kid on the box for crissakes. He's so goddamned happy with his
bowl of worms, I want to be that kid. And the only way I can be like him
is to have a Queasy Bake of my own. So I bought it and ran home, excited
as hell to try it out so that I, too, could be happy as the kid on the
box. Then I
realized I had to buy a 100-watt light bulb since the Queasy-Bake Cookerator Oven didn't come with one, so it was back out to the store
the box, the first thing we noticed was all of the goodies this thing came
with. A variety of cake and candy mixes, cooking utensils, bowls, bug/worm
mold, a pan pusher, and warmer cover that was shaped like a brain. This
brain could easily be used to make one of those brain-shaped Jell-O molds
too, so this thing is already turning out to be quite a deal. And if
Jell-O isn't your thing, you can always accessorize!
when Protoclown discovered that I had brains in addition to my super
good looks, he just couldn't control himself any longer...
He used the
queasy pan pusher to... well... push my pan. Don't worry
folks, unlike the employees at fast food establishments such as
McDonald's, we made sure to wash off the cookware after having it shoved
up our asses. Well, most of the cookware at least.
that we had thoroughly examined (and defiled) all of the accessories that
this thing came with, it was time to bust out the Queasy Bake Cookerator
Oven itself. You could already see the spooky face behind the slimy
window, and we were all excited to see it light-up. Unfortunately, putting
in a light-bulb required you to unscrew the back of the oven, which meant
going on a half-hour hunt through the house to find where we misplaced the
The one cool
thing about removing the backing from the Queasy Bake is that you get to
see what goes on inside there. And truthfully, it's pretty much nothing
but a light bulb behind some plastic and metal. Oh well, at least you get
to see the evil metal face.
shit, nothing, and I mean nothing compares to how badass this thing looks
when you finally do turn on the light bulb inside it. Even if this thing
makes the absolute nastiest food on the planet, you've still got yourself
one hell of a good Halloween decoration for future use. I might even start
using it as a night-light to help me go to sleep from now on. Nothing like
the warm glow of evil to send you off to dreamland...
out, we were in agreement that the "Dip 'n Drool Dog Bone" sounded like
the most interesting thing to make, so we prepared the ingredients. After
carefully following the directions, the mixture that was supposed
to turn into the dough which would then be formed into bone shapes wasn't
very doughy at all. The instructions suggested forming the dough into a
ball with your hands, so I picked up a glob and went to work.
Ok, that was
just wrong. It looked wrong, it felt wrong, it smelled wrong, it was
wrong. I even took off my hat 'n goggles to make sure we followed the
directions properly. No matter how much I sloshed that mixture around in
my hands, it wasn't becoming anything remotely like dough. It was just a
nasty snot-like goo and we pretty much gave up on making it into a dogbone
While I was washing that nasty ooze
off my hands, Protoclown was already preparing the
ingredients for our other attempt at cooking with the Queasy Bake Oven -
"Mud 'n Crud" cake. With a name like that and the fact that a light bulb
was going to cook it, how could it not be absolutely delicious?
water, this stuff was already looking like snot too, but in this case it
was a good thing. The funny thing about the cake mix is they provide you
with such a small amount, you wouldn't even be able make a friggin'
cupcake with the stuff. Then again, they probably only give you that much
because they know there's no way in hell anyone could stomach more.
Proto the chance to lick the spoon, but he turned it down. I guess he was
tired from licking the pan pusher clean earlier on. Well, I have this
belief that no matter how nasty something might turn out to be, someone
always has to lick the spoon. Unfortunately for me, I was the only one
left willing to do it. If the raw cake mix was any indication of how the
cake would turn out, none of us were in for a treat.
While I was
doing everything in my power to rid my mouth of the taste of raw pseudo
cake mix, Proto excitedly loaded the mixture into the Queasy Bake
Cookerator Oven. While most people would have walked away during the 10
minutes it takes for the light bulb to "cook" (and I use the term loosely)
the mix, he just sat there in wonder as if the Queasy Bake had taken
control of him. Considering the look in his eyes upon removing the
finished cake, I'm guessing it did.
Now it was
time to serve the cake to all the kiddies who had been anxiously waiting
all night for a taste of the finest queasy cuisine money can buy. And just
look at how much cake they each received! Why, you could feed a whole
army with that much cake! :o So how would they judge this wonderful light
bulb cooked treat? See for yourself:
Well I dunno
about you people, but it sure looks like it was a hit to me. But what
about the bugs and worms? Wait, isn't a worm a bug of some sort? Hrm, I
guess not. Maybe that's why I never became an entomologist after all... or
The worm and
bugs mix appears to be nothing more than the same stuff they use to make
Jell-O. Just add water and it quickly becomes a nice bright red ooze which
you then pour into the worms and bugs mold.
simply heat it up underneath the brain on top of the Queasy Bake
Cookerator and then throw it into the freezer for 10 minutes. After that,
you're supposed to have yourself some tasty worms and bugs to eat.
Well, it did
form the shape of the worms and bugs, but they were all stuck together in
one big glob. I still had to freeze them for an extra 5 minutes cuz they
were dripping all over the place. So much for following the instructions.
and bugs tasted decent I guess, but it's not really something I would want
to eat on top of a chocolate cake like you're supposed to do. Interesting
side note though: I went to get the remaining worms & bug mix that I
hadn't yet poured into the mold yet, and it was no longer a liquid.
Without even being frozen, it became a solid round Jell-O disc. A tasty
disc too. So I guess the "heat-then-freeze" thing isn't even really
necessary for this stuff? Go figure.
So there you
have it, the remaining piece of cake topped with some delicious worms and
bugs. Considering I couldn't talk anyone else into eating it, and I
already had my fill of these nasty foods for the night, I did the only
logical thing one could do.
I fed it to
the cat. I hadn't fed Panthor since... well... since I first got him, so
it was safe to assume that he'd scarf down this stuff pretty quickly.
Well, I was wrong.
If you're big into "gross" toys
like this one, be sure to check out
Thingmaker or the
Mad Scientist Monster
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