The Slumber Party Massacre II!
by: Dr. Boogie

There's a horror movie series out there called Slumber Party Massacre. Each movie is about two things: a sleepover, and a series of drill-based murders. The working title was "Drilldown at Sundown," but it left audiences thinking there wouldn't be any chance of panty shots, so compromises were made.

The first movie featured coeds getting drilled, as did the second and third movies, but today we're jumping right to the sequel. No offense to the original, but instead of being a regular horror movie with a drill where you might find a machete or chainsaw, the sequel is a combination horror/musical that also includes a slumber party AND a massacre!

Only thing is, it's going to be a while before we get to the slumber party for that massacre. The cover promises you that women will be menaced by a rock-and-roll dude with a sweet guitar that has a comically large drill on the end of its neck. And they will. Just not for a while. That in mind, prepare to be lulled into a false sense of security as you witness the excruciating lead-up to, and quick execution of, the Slumber Party Massacre 2.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Right away, the movie starts with some shots of the main character Courtney sleeping. Courtney is played by actress Crystal Bernard, perhaps best known for her role in the TV show Wings, although as you'll see, this movie contains far less of the graphic nudity and wonton sexuality of Wings.

These pervy sleep shots are accompanied by a two-note synth track I'll call "The Sleeping Theme". You'll be hearing this theme a lot, and it always indicates the main character is asleep, which kind of kills whatever suspense they were hoping to create with these sequences.

In this particular montage, we get to see the main character's crush with no shirt on, but before it can turn into one of "those" kinds of dreams, she experiences a cavalcade of disjointed gore shots from the first movie followed by the title card:

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

This is all in case you got bored waiting for the opening credits to roll past. Rest assured, you will eventually be shown both a slumber party and a massacre. And a fey rocker with a big drill.

But first, let's get to know our cast of thirty-somethings trying to pass for high schoolers:

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Courtney has some problems. Her biggest problem is that she has the fashion sense of a housepainter with glaucoma, but her other big problem is that she has been tormented by nightmares ever since the events of the original Slumber Party Massacre. And she's the one who got the best of it; her sister wound up in the nuthouse.

Walking down the street, Courtney sees a dead dove like she saw in her dream. As if it weren't weird enough to see a dove in Southern California that wasn't being eaten by a hawk. She tells her friend Amy all about seeing a dead bird, but the conversation quickly shifts to a discussion of their band practice. Then they stop the scene so they can jam to the movie soundtrack. I believe the song is called "Tokyo Convertible" by that well-known late 80's pop sensation, John Smith and the Generics.

After an awfully long time of this, they run into Courtney's crush, Matt, and invite him over to watch their practice.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

I don't know what they call the song they're cooking up, but I know it has way too many words it. Nevertheless, Matt loves it. He loves it as much as any man might who's trying to get into the pants of the lead guitarist.

The band breaks long enough for Courtney to make plans with Matt: her friend and bandmate Sheila invited them to go party at her dad's new condo over the weekend. So now we have a slumber party lined up. All that's left is to get the massacre scheduled as well.

Matt is up for giving up his weekend to try and score. He spots some crumbs on Courtney's upper lip and wipes them off with his lips before taking off. Courtney is super excited. I hope she can find some bigger hoop earrings, though. Those ones are so modest.

The plan runs into a slight snag when Courtney's mom objects, citing a visit to her crazy sister. Courtney reminds her mom that she doesn't want to spend her birthday in a mental asylum, and her mom tells her she forgot all about her birthday. Nice work, mom. You've got one sane daughter left. The least you could do is pay attention to her.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

A quick phone conversation with Matt gives the audience a shot of his hunky bod. Really, I just wanted to put this up because I love the "FOOTBALL" poster in the corner. Go sports team!

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Courtney drifts off to sleep and has another dream montage. This time, she sees her crazy sister warning her not to "go all the way". There's also a guy in pointy black boots for some reason. Does he represent Courtney's repressed sexuality? He is carrying a big drill...

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Now that's gotta be a metaphor for something!

Back in the waking world, the non-action continues as the girls pile into a station wagon and head on out to Sheila's dad's condo. Again, the car stereo pipes up so that we don't have a chance to ignore a country song. I believe it was performed by Big Tex Whatshisname with Jim Hayseed on the violin.

Apropos of nothing, one of the girls asks where Courtney's sister is. I guess knowledge of the prior massacre wasn't as widespread as you'd imagine.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

As we dip into the latest dream sequence, one gets the impression that Courtney may have narcolepsy. Once more, the movie promises us that we will eventually see some gore that will make all of this setup worth sitting through.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

This is where Sheila's dad got his condo. Hopefully it didn't cost him more than $10k because I'm pretty sure the Bluth house was in a nicer development. Seriously, this place is so remote that it takes them hours to drive out there, they have to buy enough food to last the whole weekend, and the house is just barely furnished.

It does have a pool and electricity, which surprised me.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Upstairs at the condo, Courtney gets a tepid jump scare from a blow-up doll that was in one of the beds. The girls laugh that it must belong to Sheila's perverted brother. Then they start touching it, which was the real horror of the scene.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Now that they've arrived, it's time for dinner. Sheila's dad didn't have any food, but he does have plenty of booze! They bust out a few bottles of champagne because, "it goes great with corndogs!"

And it's been almost four minutes since the soundtrack became the focus of attention, so another song starts up. It's like the movie wanted to be a musical, but with little to no singing. Frankly, I'd rather hear more about Sheila's broke-ass alcoholic father.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Because they weren't tearing through the good booze fast enough, they start spraying the remainder all over each other. Then Sheila takes her top off because... I don't know, it's a horror movie, and someone has to get nude?

Here's how old I am: the whole time I'm watching this scene, all I can wonder is how they're going to clean up all those feathers (the answer is: "with continuity errors").

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Amidst the debauchery, the girls hear a noise in the other room. Sheila dumps out the remaining champagne so she has a proper bludgeon as she investigates. Instead of something interesting, it turns out to be TJ and Jeff. Jeff is okay, but TJ is one of the most annoying, overplayed characters I've ever seen in a movie. Also, he's a borderline sexual predator.

I guess that's what Sheila finds so attractive about him because not long after they show up, it's lights out for everyone and those two start rutting like... well, like two unlikeable characters having noisy sex off camera. Courtney asks Sally if they're always this loud and Sally responds, "the more they do it, the louder they get." That sounds more like a problem with chafing.

The Sleeping Theme returns as Courtney falls to sleep and dreams of Matt in bed with her. If this girl doesn't get laid soon, I'm pretty sure she's going to be the one who does all the killing.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

The sex thing starts to come more into focus as Matt suddenly morphs into the mysterious rock and roll guy she saw earlier. She manages to flee, but the killer tells her, "I am you, and you are me, until we go all the way." Could this be a reference to Dream-Valerie's earlier warning about having sex? Is Courtney developing a split personality? What does it all mean!?

Before she can get any answers, Courtney wakes up the kitchen floor. She tells Sally about the nightmare, and Sally spouts off some armchair psychoanalyst bullcrap. I feel like they should be taking this a little more seriously, given that Courtney witnessed multiple people die and was nearly killed herself by a serial killer in the first movie. But no, let's ignore an obvious cry for help.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Courtney complains about feeling like crap on account of the nightmares. Also, she had a dinner consisting mostly of booze and corndogs, so scary dreams aren't entirely unexpected. Lucky for her, TJ knows a great cure for hangovers: he starts aggressively groping and dry-humping her to the point where even his friends decide this is too much. Once he reaches peak prick, he tosses her in the pool and we get another dream montage!

Listen, movie, I don't believe you anymore when you say there's going to be something happening at some point. Stop showing us these teasers and get to the titular massacre!

After an inordinate amount of time underwater, Jeff decides to rescue Courtney. Nobody seems to blame TJ for almost drowning her. She does recover, but they may have wished she hadn't as she starts to complain about their cooking:

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

I have the same reaction when I get a burger that's cooked any higher than medium.

Aaaaaaannd... There! We're fully halfway the movie and nothing has happened. The scariest thing we've seen is TJ reading a trashy romance novel to Sheila to get a big, sloppy kiss. Total gross-out scare.

Can you guess the next scene in
Slumber Party Massacre II correctly?
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