Spider-Man 3 is coming out and everybody's been talking about how it's
the most expensive movie Sony Pictures has ever made. While some are
saying that it actually cost over 500 million, I think everybody should
take note of how the merchandising for this movie appears to be right on
par with those big numbers. After visiting a some big retail shops such as Target
and Toys 'R' Us this past week, I was amazed by just how many spidey-branded
items there were for sale. So let's take a look at a bunch of these items
to see what's worth picking up and what you should avoid like the plague.
Spider-Man 3 "Spi-Dogs"!
on this earth bring the word "abomination" to my mind, but I'll be damned
if these Spider-Man "Spi-Dogs" don't do just that. It's bad enough when
pet owners dress up their animals in ridiculous costumes to make them look
more human, but this is really just going too far. So what do robotic dogs
who dance to iPod music have to do with Spider-Man? What, you mean you
don't know? Yeah well... neither do I. Gotta love it when completely
random companies try to cash in on a big movie even though they clearly
have no products that could be logically tied in with it.
you know what I said about the Spi-Dogs basically being worse than when
people put their pets in ridiculous outfits? Yeah, I wasn't serious about
TRUE ANIMAL CRUELTY.
Spider-Man 3 Animated Slurpee Cups!
Ah, good ol'
7-Eleven... you can always count on them to deliver you nothing but the
finest plastic goblets plastered with your favorite superheroes. While all
three look damned nice, there's no denying that the animated Venom
cup is the most desired one. When I went to Sev in search of a
Venom cup, I had to go through about ten of 'em just to find one. The
storekeeper looked at me like I had some serious mental issues as I was
pulling cup after cup from the dispenser. While I wasn't going to argue
with his opinion, I wasn't about to let it stop me from finding my Venom
cup either! They may be harder to find, but believe me, in the end you'll
be glad you dug through all of those leftover Sandman cups to get to
Potato Head - Spider Spud!
saw the success of their Star Wars themed Mr. Potato Head toys, such as
Darth Tater, it's no surprise that Hasbro has decided to try their
luck with other big franchises. "When a radioactive spider bit Peter
Parker Potato, he became Spider Spud. With eyes for trouble, this web
slinger uses his starch-strength to mash out evil and save the day."
You really can't go wrong with a potato that has a back-story like that. I
also can't deny my desire to store real potatoes in that removable Spidey
Spider-Man 3 Bug Vacuum!
glance you might be thinking, "What the hell? Since when does
Spider-Man use a gun?" Well, my friend, that's no ordinary gun... it's
a bug vacuum. It's a little-known fact that, in his spare time, Spider-Man
is a practicing entomologist. Coming in both Spidey and Venom patterns,
you can use these vacuums to suck up any bugs you can find. I suppose it's
better than taking the chance of being bit by one, but isn't that part of
the excitement of catching bugs when you're a kid? Defying death 'n all?
Besides, getting bit by a bug isn't always a bad thing. Look what it did
for Peter Parker! Anyway, as if the bug vacuums weren't interesting
enough, once you've captured your creepy crawlers you can dump them in
Spider-Man 3 Bug Habitat!
why settle with storing your bugs in a typical jug when you can let them
live out their days in the big city? With big cartoony skyscrapers to
climb all over, your bugs will surely feel like gods.
If only they
could reverse the airflow on those bug vacuums, then you would surely have
yourself a nice Spidey hairdryer! Just make sure you've emptied the bugs
from it first.
Operation Game: Spider-Man Origins!
hasn't thought about dissecting Spider-Man to see what all of his bones
and organs look like? Ok, nobody's thought about that. Nobody except the
people at Hasbro who apparently saw the release of Spider-Man 3 as a
perfect chance to breathe new life into their classic Operation
game. So the basic premise of this game is that Spidey is feeling a bit
under the weather, so it's up to you to grab your trusty tweezers and
remove all of his ailments. Believe it or not, they actually have a
CROTCH AILMENT. Yes, Spider-Man is suffering from a "costume wedgie"
and they want you to pick it out for him. Picking away at Spider-Man's
crotch with tweezers? Wow. The things some people will do for fun these
Spider-Man 3 Monopoly!
of the city is in your hands! Spider-Man is in a race to the finish as he
web -swings across the city trying to outbid Goblin 2, Venom and Sandman.
The villains' plan is to buy, rent and sell everything they can get their
hands on, but can Spider-Man outsmart them at their own game? The one with
the most money in the end will control it all." Hahahahahahahahaha,
YES! If there's one thing that Spidey and his enemies are really
interested in, it's buying up real estate. All I know is this: it would
really suck to have Venom as your landlord.
Spider-Man 3 Crayola Crayon Maker!
way for aspiring young comic book artists to learn how to draw Spider-Man
than with their own homemade spidey-shaped crayons? Ok, so maybe sticking
with more traditionally-shaped writing tools is the best way to go, but
there's no denying the fun of seeing the details of Spider-Man's face
slowly getting rubbed out just so you can write "Kick Me" on a sheet of
Spider-Man Bump 'N Go Web Rider!
fact that Spider-Man has no need for vehicular transportation when he can
get around the city via web-slinging: Can somebody please explain to me
how the hell adding mechanical spider legs to the base of a motorcycle is
going to make it go faster or improve it in any way whatsoever? Hmm, you
know what? Don't even bother trying.
Spider-Man 3 NERF Weather Blitz Football!
Spidey, toss me the pigskin!" Once again, I'm not really sure what
Spider-Man and football have in common unless you compare Spidey getting
his power from a spider bite to a football player getting his power from 'roids.
Anyway, NERF is claiming that with the special web-laced grip patterns,
you'll never drop this football even if it's raining out. After all, why
actually practice a sport to get better at it when you can have technology
make you look way better than you'll ever truly be. And hey, since it's a
NERF ball you can go all out during the big game without any fear of being
hurt just like a real superhero! Besides, even if you do get hurt, you can
simply put on a Spider-Man band-aid to make yourself feel all better.
Spider-Man 3 Ooze & Compounds!
Now what kid
doesn't love some fun globs to make a mess with all in the name of
fighting crime like a superhero? I used to buy goop like this from the
grocery store vending machines by the truckload. Nowadays, it comes in all
sorts of crazy new varieties, and perhaps none are more impressive than
the jet black Venom Ooze. There's also the new Sandman "Sand Compound"
which does look a lot like sand, but is really more like Floam. Still, I
say stock up on the Venom Ooze. It's just rare that you see ooze of any
kind come in a solid black color like this. It's usually some bright neon
color instead... presumably so moms can spot it easily when trying to
extract it from the carpet on which it was spilled. Trust me though, even
with ooze that old saying still stands true: once you go black, you'll
never go back.
Spider-Man 3 Mega House!
check out the all new Spider-Man 3 Mega House! It features bright graphics
of your favorite superhero swinging high in the air between the city
skyscrapers. More importantly, it's a great place for you to hide and
immerse your mind in a fantasy world created to block out the sounds of
mommy and daddy fighting again.
Spider-Man 3 Reversible Costume!
quality of this costume isn't much greater than your average Hefty
brand trash bag, I doubt that's something most kids would really care much
about as long as they get to pretend they're the webbed wonderboy. The one
good thing I can say about it is that you get two costumes for the price
of one, which is surprising since you would think most companies would try
to sell the two costumes separately to make some extra cash.
Spider-Man 3 Talking Camera Phone!
Verizon and tell Alltell to shove it where the sun don't shine because who
needs real friends to call when you can talk to Spider-Man? On a related
Amazon.com's promotion text for this phone includes the following:
"Little superheroes will love carrying around this pretend-play phone
so they're at the beck and call of the next emergency in Gotham." The
next emergency in GOTHAM!? Wrong superhero, genius. Maybe
Spider-Man and Batman can team up to kick the asses of Amazon's
copywriters. When it comes to superhero justice, there's no room for
Spider-Man vs. Venom Water Slide!
people can't agree on something there's only one possible way to settle
things once and for all: With a race on a Slip-N-Slide. This new
slide allows you to race side by side to see who can capture the flag
first (which, for some reason, is like the key to the city) while the
other person gets a face full of water. Actually, I'm pretty sure both
people get a face full of water regardless of who captures the flag. But
hey, for you superheroes out there, if you want to stop Venom in his
tracks, make sure his side of the slide is on top of a bunch of gravel.
Not only will he lose the race, he'll be out of commission... permanently.
Spider-Man 3 Swim Mask!
with a mere water-slide when you can completely submerse yourself with the
help of the Spider-Man 3 Swim Mask! In all honestly, I can't think of a
better way to distance yourself from the opposite sex by walking around
with this thing on. Of course, you could add in some Spidey Arm Floaties or Spidey Flippers for added effect
just to ensure that not a single person on this planet will ever speak to
you. Either way, enjoy your new life as a pool recluse.
Yes, you too can be a
winner... just like this kid!
Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man!
some things that Spider-Man was NEVER meant to do... singing and dancing
would have to be near the top of that list. Yet here he is doing just that
with the Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man interactive plush doll. Having him actually
dance to the Itsy Bitsy Spider song has got to be the most
embarrassing thing to ever happen to him. And that's saying a lot consider
we're talking about Peter Parker here. But don't just take my word for it,
watch the horrific commercial.
not your Spidey sense tingling... that's nausea.
that's all the Spidey merch for now, but you can expect plenty more to pop
up in the stores soon enough including plenty of food tie-ins. Consider
this an early warning for the inevitable Spider-Man 3 media blitz that's
going to follow in the coming weeks. Spider-Man: He's in your stores,
taking your money.
questions or comments about this piece?