I-Mockery
Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
About Us Store Advertising Contact New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun! New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun!

What Some of Your Favorite Superheroes Are Thankful For!
by: Protoclown

Have you ever wondered what some of your favorite superheroes are thankful for, come Thanksgiving season? Me neither, because frankly, that'd just be pathetic. But hey, there's a first time for everything, and now that you're reading this, you've thought about it already, even if just to think about how glad you are that you've never actually wasted time and brain power thinking about it, so you may as well just keep reading at this point.



Batman
"I'm thankful for my Deus Ex Machina belt, and little green shorts."

Spider-Man
"Gee, I'm thankful I didn't do anything stupid like reveal my secret identity to the world on live television, because then Aunt May and M.J. would be in grave danger! Oh wait, I did. DAMN YOU, QUESADA!!! DAMN YOU!!!"

Iron Man
"I'm thankful for the recent Civil War granting me the ability to become the biggest jackass in all the Marvel Universe!"

Superman
"I'm thankful for the status quo which makes it impossible for writers to ever do anything of lasting effect to my character!"

Wolverine
"I'm just glad that Humberto Ramos will be done drawing me soon. I mean, it was fun and different for a while, but this 'giraffe neck' shit is starting to get ridiculous!"

Wonder Woman
"I'm not thankful for a goddamn thing. DC totally screwed me. First they make my book bimonthly, then they hire a writer who's never read a comic book in her life? Member of the 'Big Three' my ass!"

The Incredible Hulk
"HULK THANKFUL FOR SHONEY'S ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET! UNFORTUNATELY HULK ON ALIEN PLANET RIGHT NOW SO HULK CANNOT EAT BUFFET! ONLY BUGS FOR HULK TO EAT! NOT EVEN HAVE KETCHUP TO PUT ON BUGS!"

Storm
"I'm thankful I got a husband! I'm gonna start makin' baby hurricanes!"

Martian Manhunter
"Dude, what part of 'I'm a fucking martian' don't you understand? I don't even know what Thanksgiving is."

Robin
"I'm very, very thankful to be spending Thanksgiving this year with the Teen Titans, and far, far away from Wayne Manor, and Batman... Frank Miller makes him touch me."

Captain America
"I'm thankful that I'm wise enough to stand by the ideals that our flag represents rather than the flag itself. Oh, and that I'm not a government tool like that dork Iron Man."

Luke Cage
"I'm thankful for Brian Michael Bendis resurrecting my career from obscurity, kind of like Quentin Tarantino did for John Travolta."

Power Girl
"I'm thankful that I'm not just some empty sex symbol used to sell comics to sex-crazed teens... oh. Shit. Well, how about the fact that I never need support for my gigantic tits, then?"

Ghost Rider
"I'm thankful foróJESUS CHRIST, MY HEAD'S ON FIRE! WATER!! BRING ME WATER!!!"

Nightwing
"I'm thankful that I finally grew up, and that I don't have to put on 'fashion shows' in those little green shorts anymore for someone who has more money than God and thinks he can threaten to send me off to the orphanage where they will beat me with nickel-filled socks."

The Thing
"Thankful? Oh yeah, I'm real thankful that Stan Lee gave everyone else in the Fantastic Four powers they could turn on and off, and I got stuck being a human rock forever. Fuck you, Stan!"

Green Lantern
"I'm thankful for this spiffy magic ring I just happened to find in a Cracker Jack box one day. It's boffo!"

The Punisher
"You think I actually celebrate Thanksgiving? Yeah, sure, me and all the rifles and guns sit around at the table together and eat bullets. That'll happen."

Aquaman
"I'm thankful for all of my fans."

Daredevil
"Well, I'm not thankful that I'm not completely insane, if ya get my meaning! Booyah!"

Nightcrawler
"I'm thankful that I leave a stinky fart smell behind vhenever I 'BAMF!' someplace else. It is very satisfying, ja."

Green Arrow
"I'm thankful that everyone in my city is too stupid to put two and two together and realize that if you take off this teeny little mask, I look exactly like the mayor of Star City!"

Invisible Woman
"I'm thankful that ever since the accident, shoplifting has never been easier! So sue me, I like nice things."

Cyclops
"I'm thankful for NoDoz, cuz it's the only way people can read a comic book that I'm in and actually stay awake!"

The Flash
"Dude, I'm so far ahead of you, I'm already celebrating next year's Thanksgiving. Oh, and I wouldn't take Highway 41 to Aunt Mildred's this year if I were you."

Warpath
"Did you just say 'Thanksgiving' to me? Did you? You'd best get the fuck out of my face before I carve you like a turkey."

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email Protoclown


help support I-Mockery by supporting our sponsors:


Running a big site like I-Mockery takes a lot o' time and costs moola too.
Want to help show your support?

DONATE TO OUR ZOMBIE MOVIE!

Come talk about this piece & more on our Message Forums!

click here for more minimocks!