Bay's new Transformers movie out in theaters, I figured now would be the
perfect time to remind people about just how awesome the Transformers
used to be (before he bastardized how they appear) with a look at the
original animated movie. Transformers: The Movie has everything a
fan of the original series could possibly hope for. Appearances by almost
all of their favorite bots, a showdown between Optimus Prime and Megatron,
a giant new enemy, a killer soundtrack and a whole lot more. Today I'd like to talk about what I
consider to be the 10 best things about Transformers: The Movie. If you
disagree with some of the things on my list, that's ok... I'll give you a
tasty energon treat and we'll let bygones be bygones.
giant planet-devouring Transformer that appears to be unstoppable. Seeing
him ingest a planet with virtually no effort was one hell of a way to
start off the movie. And let's not forget that Unicron was voiced by none
other than the late, great Orson Welles. Who better to voice a giant
planet-eater than a guy with one of the best deep voices ever to appear on
the silver screen? This was also his last film role before he passed away,
which I suppose is too bad because he apparently hated the role. Amusingly
enough, when asked about his role in the movie, he said, "I play a big
toy who attacks a bunch of smaller toys." He said this because he
couldn't even remember the name of his character or the name of the movie.
We kids had
never seen a robot as powerful as this in the Transformers cartoons.
Forget about the Decepticons, it was obvious that the Autobots had a whole
new problem to deal with. I mean, how the hell are you supposed to stop a
robot that's larger than a planet? This was the Transformers' "Death
Star"... a giant, brooding and seemingly indestructible evil that would
destroy all in its path. The opening sequence with Unicron was also much
more violent than what we were used to seeing in the cartoons.
devours the planet, we see bits and pieces of robots getting chopped up
into shreds and they actually BLEED! I'm sure it was supposed to be
robot battery acid or something like that, but it was red and therefore
"blood" as far as we kids were concerned.
I also need
to say that I really don't blame Unicron for destroying this first planet
as it's apparently inhabited by robots with glowing asses. If there's
anything that deserves being completely annihilated, it's a planet filled
with glowing assbots.
Am I the only one who noticed that if you switch two letters around, "Unicron"
becomes "Unicorn"? I'd actually pay good money to see a
The Joys Of Profanity!
Now when you
see a moon getting devoured by Unicron for the first time, that's usually
enough to fill you with shock and awe. However, when Spike sees it, he
actually shouts out, "Oh shit! What are we gonna do now!?"
and with those words the innocence of the cartoon was lost forever. Just
look at Bumblebee, even he can't believe that's he's hanging out with a
human that talks like a filthy drunken pirate. This line was actually
removed from most of the releases of the movie, but thankfully, it was
restored in the later DVD releases. Robots bleeding, heroes dying, humans
cussing... what more could a kid ask for?
This moment was such a big deal that on the DVD release, one of the
chapters is called "Swear Word" so you can skip right to it and hear
Spike's dirty fucking mouth.
Bah Weep Graaaaagnah Wheep Ni Ni Bong!
graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong!" (pronounced "bah weep granna weep
ninni bong!") is the universal greeting greeting used by robots to
show that they come in peace. This greeting is a sore spot for some fans
of the movie simply because it sounds so ridiculous, especially when you
hear Eric Idle's "Wreck-Gar" character say it with the added vocal effects
of an envelope filter. And I won't even get into how this phrase somehow
leads to the mind-shatteringly insane scene where all the robots dance to
Weird Al's "Dare To Be Stupid".Still, this phrase really stuck with many kids and
I remember hearing people use it to greet each other in the hallways of
our school. One class clown, who most certainly, definitely, absolutely,
positively wasn't me, even said it to the math class teacher who responded
with nothing but a raised eyebrow and a look of utter confusion while the
rest of the kids giggled because we knew something he didn't for a change.
Shove your Y=MX+B where the sun don't shine, buddy boy!
really knows where this greeting originated, but if you ask me, the answer
is right there in the phrase: Bah Weep Graaaaagnah Wheep Ni Ni BONG!
This movie introduced a
whole slew of new characters including some fantastic aquatic Transformers
- the Sharkticons being the most infamous of them all. Now while I
love just about anything involving sharks and indeed think the Sharkticons
looked awesome in all of their spiky, teethed glory... I feel that one
character has really been overlooked. The Giant Robo-Squid! Most people don't
even seem to remember this guy when you bring up the Transformers movie.
He has a brief battle with two of our Autobot pals and that's pretty much
the last anybody ever saw of him. The biggest travesty of all this? They
never even released a toy version of our favorite robotic cephalopod! The
Sharkticons had a nice toy released as a tie-in for the movie with a
wonderfully appropriate name -
complete with big, bulging eyes and shiny silver teeth. But the squid? Nope... nothing. Granted
they didn't show him transform into a regular robot in the movie, but I'm
sure Hasbro could've worked something out.
My favorite thing about him
is that he actually squirts out ink at the Autobots and swims away after
they chop off a few of his tentacles. I don't know about you, but I think
they missed out on a big chance to tie-in a Transformers toy with the
disappearing ink guns. Who wouldn't love a giant transformable robo-squid that
could shoot out disappearing ink? Yo Hasbro, it's never too late to make
up for past mistakes if you catch my drift...
Quintesson... who could possibly forget the Quintesson? This five-headed robot collective is the judge, jury and executioner
for all trials. Now do they abide by a strict sense of duty to their
planet, following preset laws by the book? No. In fact, their trials are
nothing more than a joke. They don't even seem to have any real reason for
putting random robots on trial other than getting enjoyment out of
executing them. If you just happen to be on the planet and
they capture you, you're put on trial, judged and whether they find you
"innocent" or "guilty", they have you walk the plank and you're left to
die in the jaws of the Sharkticons. Sure, it's not as harsh as our current
judicial system, but it's close.
Prime vs. Megatron!
saw these two goliaths go head-to-head in the cartoon, it was always a
treat, but this battle had a lot more riding on it. The Decepticons had
almost completely wiped out the Autobots when Optimus Prime arrives just
in the nick of time to turn the tide against the Decepticons. He
single-handedly wipes out all of them in an instant and all you wanted to
do as a kid was jump into that scream and give him a high five while
singing "You got the touch, you got the power... YEAH!" And
now it was finally time for Optimus and Megatron to battle each other mono
At first it
seems like Optimus is in trouble when Megatron throws a shard of metal
into his gut and then pulls out a friggin' light saber out of his
ass to slash him in the same spot. Optimus is able to fight his way back
and he then has Megatron practically defeated on the ground with a gun
pointed at him. Megatron sees a small gun on the ground nearby and
underhandedly reaches for it while begging Optimus Prime for mercy. Hot
Rod sees this cheap move and tries to stop Megatron, but instead becomes
his hostage, thus enabling Megatron to blast away at Optimus without any
consequence. Way to go, Hot Rod.
What I love
here is that Megatron actually appears to be sweating! Actually, those
might even be some tears now that I look closer at it. Megatron crying?
Nah, he'd rip out his optics before he ever showed any tears. So first we
saw the robots bleeding inside of Unicron, and now they sweat too? Perhaps
there's a special director's cut where we see the Autobots taking a leak
or spitting out chewing tobacco too?
Megatron kept on shooting Optimus, he
would've been finished for sure. But Megatron naturally had to walk right up to Prime and
gloat for a bit, thus giving Optimus the opportunity to dish out one last
double-fisted pummeling that knocks him over a nearby ledge. Megatron was barely able to
function at this point,
and as a result, most people credit Optimus with a victory in the battle since he
saved the day. Unfortunately, Optimus had to pay the ultimate price for
this victory, which leads me to my next point...
Optimus Prime Dies!
Prime was dying and there was nothing they could do to save everybody's
favorite Autobot. Yes the day was won, but how long would the Autobots
last without their heroic leader? It was a pyrrhic victory to say the
least. Prime tells them that he will soon be one with the Matrix and then
opens up his chest to reveal it. He tells Ultra Magnus that he is to be
the new Autobot leader and tells how the Matrix one day "will light
their darkest hour." He tries to hand him the Matrix but it falls from
his hands and Hot Rod manages to catch it just in the nick of time. Hrm,
could this be some foreshadowing? Yes indeedy.
Matrix of Leadership is
removed from Optimus' chest, we see his life support monitor
flatline, his eyes go dim and then his body loses all of its color. I
always thought it was weird how his body just instantly lost the nice
paint job. Either way, seeing the most recognizable Transformers character
get killed off was quite a shocking and was the subject of much
controversy at the time.
fact about Prime's death is that the Transformers movie was being created
simultaneously with the G.I. Joe one. When the writers of the G.I. Joe
movie asked if they could kill off
Duke, Hasbro liked the idea so much that they asked them to kill
off Optimus Prime in the Transformers movie as well. The Transformers
movie came out first and parents complained a lot about Optimus being
killed off, so the G.I. Joe script was rewritten to have Duke end up in a
coma instead (even though the visual footage clearly indicated he was
It's too bad
that's how things went down, because if you're like me, you'd much rather
see a loser like Duke get killed off instead of the mighty Optimus Prime.
Fight For Leadership!
big battle with the Autobots, the Decepticons hitch a ride with Astrotrain
and make a quick retreat. While soaring through space, Astrotrain says
they need to lose some of the dead weight, and Starscream immediately sees
this as an opportunity to get rid of Megatron since he's barely able to
even move. Starscream picks up Megatron and carries him to the cargo door
and sarcastically proclaims, "Oh, how it pains me to do this!" as
he releases Megatron to die alone in space. Starscream then nominates
himself as the new leader of the Decepticons.
Constructicons immediately protest this idea because they claim Devastator
is the most powerful robot and, therefore, they should rule the
Decepticons. Before Starscream can even argue with them about this,
Soundwave steps up to the plate and throws out a rare insult: "Soundwave
superior. Constructicons inferior." OH SNAP! You go Soundwave!
Naturally, they take offense to this and they battle it out with Soundwave
and all of his robotic tapes. Now here's the utterly baffling part...
Not only has
Starscream apparently won the battle for leadership over the Decepticons,
but the Constructicons are willingly playing the trumpet for him during
his coronation! Now let's be honest here for a minute: there's no way in
HELL that Starscream could defeat the Constructicons or Soundwave
in a fight, so can somebody please explain to me how he ended up being
crowned their new leader!? The only thing I can come up with is that while
the Constructicons and Soundwave were duking it out, Starscream was hiding
in a corner, cowering like an infant. Then, once all the Destructicons
were exhausted from beating the energon out of each other, Starscream
emerged and threatened to toss them all off of Astrotrain if they didn't
accept him as their new ruler.
that's not what really happened, but it's the best I can come up with.
It's easily the biggest plot hole in the entire movie as far as I'm
concerned and I'd love to hear a real explanation from the writer, Ron
while the Decepticons were busy fighting each other, Megatron's near
lifeless body drifted towards Unicron. Unicron gave Megatron a choice:
either help him retrieve the Matrix (the only thing that can stop him) or
die. Megatron obviously went with the first option and in return, Unicron
gave him a powerful new body and renamed him Galvatron. In all
honesty, I wasn't happy when they did this, even as a kid. Megatron simply
looked way cooler than Galvatron, and his voice was certainly better. Then
again, that's probably because Frank Welker is the man when it
comes to voices and Leonard Nimoy is... well... not.
instantly heads back to crash Starscream's coronation and with one mighty
blast, Starscream's color is gone (just like when Prime died) and his body
is virtually vaporized before our very eyes. And with that, the
Decepticons now have a new leader, Galvatron, who was technically their
old leader too. I guess that was Friedman's way of trying to make up for
the fact that he actually let Starscream win that battle for leadership
earlier on... but I still say there's no excuse for such blind madness.
Our Darkest Hour!
point in the movie, us kids were really emotionally invested in things. We
witnessed planets getting devoured, we saw some of our favorite
Transformers get killed off and we were even scarred for life by hearing a
cartoon character say "shit". And now, on top of all this madness, Unicron
has just transformed into his robot form and is about to tear Cybertron
apart! I never did understand why he had those boney wings though, it's
not like they'd aid him in flight or anything.
crashing through one of Unicron's eyes, the Autobots try to find a way to
destroy Unicron. As they fall through his body, Hot Rod gets separated
from them and ends up face to face with Galvatron. Galvatron just happens
to posses the Matrix after easily taking it from Ultra Magnus who was
unable to open it. Unfortunately, Galv wasn't able to open the Matrix
either and now Unicron is about to destroy his home planet as a result.
Hot Rod puts up a pretty decent fight at first, but eventually, Galvatron
catches him and starts to choke him to death because... apparently robots
have windpipes that can be crushed? I don't know...
Just when it
seems like all hope is lost, Hot Rod grabs onto the Matrix that's hanging
from Galvatron's necklace and it begins to light up. This is it! This must
be their darkest hour! Hot Rod is Neo! I mean... Hot Rod is THE ONE!
Optimus' voice one last time as he says "Arise, Rodimus Prime."
and Hot Rod begins to grow into the mighty Autobot he always wished he
could be. It's actually a really boring transformation compared to the
Tron-like transformation sequence that we saw Galvatron go through earlier
on, but whatever. He picks up a squirming Galvatron above his head and
tosses him with such force that he goes flying through Unicron and out
into deep space. With Galvatron kaput, there's just one more big baddie to
light our darkest hour!" Rodimus says as he opens up the Matrix to
unleash its power. Sure enough, it lights up and begins to tear apart
Unicron from the inside out, eventually causing his entire body to explode
and sending his head flying through space. Naturally this left things wide
open for a sequel, but it never happened. Unicron's head did appear in
some later Transformers cartoons, but that's another story.
On a side
note, I've always found it amusing that Judd Nelson (aka: John Bender from
The Breakfast Club) was the voice of Hot Rod/Rodimus Prime. There's
something inherently hilarious about the idea of John Bender saving the
universe. If only somebody had asked Rodimus what happened to Unicron and
he replied, "Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect
place." Then this would truly be the perfect movie.
Out of everything in this
movie, I'd have to say the thing I hear people quote and talk about more
than anything are the songs from the soundtrack. First and foremost,
credit must be given to the extremely talented Vince DiCola for putting
this soundtrack together. He created the perfect blend of rocktacular
music with synthesizers to help make this movie feel all the more epic. He
also did the soundtrack for Rocky IV and if you listen closely, some of
Unicron's music is the same music they play when
Drago is on screen. So the lesson here is that it doesn't matter
if you're a planet-eating robot or a killer boxing Soviet on steroids, you
still get the same theme music.
There's also a great
recreation of the original Transformers theme song, performed by the
hairtastic metal band, Lion.
And as I stated earlier, yes, Weird Al's "Dare To Be Stupid" is on
the Soundtrack too.
But let's face it, there are
two songs on this soundtrack that are far more important and memorable
than all the others combined. Those two songs are the uplifting, high
energy tracks "Dare" and "The Touch" by
Stan Bush. Out of the two,
I definitely like "Dare" the most (probably because DiCola worked on it as
well), but there's no denying how perfectly "The Touch" was used in the
movie. Seeing Optimus fly in to save the day to the sounds of "You
got the touch, you got the power... YEAH!" absolutely classic. It
should also be noted that the Transformers soundtrack was recently
re-released and, in addition to some great extra tracks by Vince DiCola,
there's a Stan Bush rendition of the Transformers theme that you've gotta
hear. I'm honestly surprised it never made it into the movie.
you have it, the ten best things about Transformers: The Movie.
Regardless of where you stand on the new Transformers flick by Michael
Bay, don't ever forget about this movie because it shows how truly great
the Transformers were back in the day. It taught me that I could win if I
dare, and it can teach you the same. This is the one that truly had it
all. This is the one that had the magic. This is the one that had...
questions or comments about this piece?
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure
to check out:
The Ten Best Things About Total Recall!
Ten Things That Make "Cobra" One Of The Most Underrated Macho Badass Action Movies Of All Time!
help support I-Mockery by supporting our sponsors:
SUGGEST THIS TO A FRIEND!
Running a big site like I-Mockery takes a lot o' time and costs moola
Want to help show
DONATE TO OUR ZOMBIE MOVIE!
Come talk about this piece & more on our Message Forums!
click here for more minimocks!