Previously I've done a couple pieces on bad "sexy" Halloween costumes, in which I featured a bunch of terribly embarrassing getups that could only drive sex to the furthest reaches of any poor mind unfortunate enough to behold their wretchedness. It's been two years since my last bad "sexy" costumes piece, and in that time I've had the team of unpaid interns who live in my crawlspace scouring the internet for more. And it's taken a while, because they keep whining about how they require food and an internet connection, but they've finally come through. This year though, while most of the costumes are "sexy" (at least in some marketing department's eyes), I've included a number of other ridiculous costumes that caught my eye as bizarre or unbelievably horrible that might not strictly fit the "sexy" mold. So if you get to an entry on this year's list and go "Hey, that's not sexy!!" you should really stop and ask yourself why you apparently think some of the other ones are, and why this particular one causes you to suddenly object.
Once again this year, yandy.com provided a few costumes for the collection, proving again that they are good sports. They have a bunch of bizarre costumes and they have a good sense of humor about themselves, so I have to give them credit for that. Please check them out if you're curious to see their other strange offerings.
Sassy Rick Grimes
Look out zombies, your worst nightmare is here! No, I'm not talking about former Sheriff Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead... I'm talking about the even more dangerous Sassy Rick Grimes! Why is it that female versions of male characters are often labeled as "sassy"? Also, let's be honest: anyone who watches The Walking Dead knows full well that the male Rick Grimes is already pretty sassy. I'm really not convinced that this woman can outdo him. Also, since this is a female version of the character, why didn't they feminize the name? Perhaps she should be Ricki Grimes? And they could just do away with the sassiness altogether. Unless there's somebody costumed as Carl (or Carla?) walking around with her. Then she needs to sass the hell out of that kid.
Nothing really gets my engine revved up like the idea of a young woman wearing large snapping claws on her fingers drunkenly pawing at my junk in a darkened room. Okay, so they're soft, fluffy gloves, instead of sharp chitinous shell, but it's the symbolism that's important here. Any girl who's offering handjobs wearing anything that even looks like a lobster claw is someone you fellas want to stay away from. But at least Yandy draws the line at a Sexy Crab costume. At least I think they do. I didn't look. I'm not going to look. Somebody reading this is going to look. Let us know in the comments, because I don't want to find it myself.
No self-respecting adult would wear this out in public. However, for un-self-respecting adults, the Banana Hammock costume is a popular choice for the 2014 Halloween season. Apparently because you're supposed to be "naked" in this costume (as indicated by the nipples and belly button... but what if you're not white? This costume is racist! Of course, they probably realized that there's no chance of anybody but a white person wearing this anyway) you're expected to walk around barefoot. So no late night excursions into the Taco Bell after you're done getting your party on for the night. It's Drive Thru only, because no shoes, no service! Come to think of it, they might think that you don't have a shirt on either based on how totally convincing that nudesuit is. So you're be doubly unwelcome at the Bell. At least this costume has the decency to include a well-deserved dunce cap though, which is only proper.
Red Spider Girl
Not too be confused with Spider-Girl. This one bears nothing in common whatsoever with any comic book characters, popular or otherwise. Any similarities in coloring or design to any existing characters are a simple coincidence. This would have been better if it was actually a skin tight full bodysuit, without the little boob window or the exposed thighs. And the spider web garters - I don't even know what is going on with that. In this picture it almost looks like she's wearing a bow tie with the costume. I don't think she actually is, but now I want her to be.
Sassy Boba Fett
Really? Again with the "sassy"? Maybe I'm a little weird, but I would find this sexier if the was actually wearing the more authentic looking Boba Fett armor with the helmet off, not just a pair of leggings with some really awkward thigh pockets. And I love how they chose to go with high heels for the picture for this one. They're clearly not part of the actual costume you can purchase, so I'm wondering why they didn't opt for knee-high boots, which seems to me would go along with the rest of the outfit so much better? Anyway, regardless of whether it's a male or female version, Boba Fett still ain't nothing but a bitch.
Last time around there was a Sexy Optimus Prime, so now it has come to this. This could almost be cute, if we lived on some bizarro world where the familiar laws of nature and physics do not apply. But we don't, and we're left with this abomination. The gray leggings look like sweatpants to me from this far away, and nothing says "sexytime!" like a pair of gray sweats. What really gets me about this costume those is those giant clunky feet. I'm kind of amazed she doesn't just have high heels on at the bottom, but then again when I look at the proportions and how far up her knees are from the floor, it appears she either needs to be on stilts or high heels. This just doesn't look comfortable at all.
There are so many things wrong with this on so many levels, where to even begin? Let's just start with the name. Adult Baby. Yeah, just repeat that a few times. Adult Baby. Adult Baby. Adult Baby. Just let how stupid that is soak in. I know there are some people who are actually into the whole "wearing diapers" thing, and hey, to each their own, but actually associating babies themselves with sex (rather than simply the way you make them) is kind of fucked up and gross. I wonder if they've sold a single one of these costumes. I can't imagine that I live in and participate in a world in which that could have possibly happened.
So continuing the whole "baby" theme... remember how I said there were going to be costumes that aren't sexy on this list? By anyone's perverted standards? Well this is one of them. And if you actually do find this sexy, you should probably be running North Korea. There can't possibly be anything creepier or worse than this. It just doesn't exist.
Big Baby 2
Remember how I said just up there that there couldn't possibly be anything creepier or worse than the last entry? Well, I was clearly wrong. Very, very wrong. Can you just imagine this guy going up to young women in a bar and trying to get phone numbers? Actually, that would make for a very entertaining series of YouTube videos, watching this guy embarrassing himself and failing horribly at life. But then at some point he'd probably find a woman who would go home with him. And I don't want to see that, because half of my heart would probably calcify right there.
That's not even a proper name for a costume! It's not the name of a character or anything, that's a thing that you do. Well, hopefully not a thing that you do. But I guess for legal reasons they couldn't call it a Miley Cyrus costume. Or maybe for Miley Cyrus reasons they didn't want to call it a Miley Cyrus costume. But that's what this is. This costume is an assault. It's a reminder of unpleasant things we'd rather forget. And don't the pink spots on the ears just look like two jam-covered pieces of toast somebody just slapped right on her breasts?
Down For the Count
And as long as we're on the subject of things that are classy (and names of costumes that aren't actually names), we have the oh-so-cleverly named Down For the Count. In some ways though this is a great costume, because it conveniently alerts everyone in the vicinity that there is a douchebag on the premises. He could walk around with a pole with a flashing siren light loudly announcing "ALERT! DOUCHEBAG ALERT!" and it would be no more telling than this costume. The guy wearing this is really doing all of the women at any parties he attends a huge favor by letting them know up front that they don't want to waste their time talking to him.
Sexy Green Lantern
Ugh. I mean, I could just leave it at that and say nothing else at all, and you'd all get where I'm coming from, right? The thing is, there's nothing at all wrong with Green Lantern. It's just that everyone associates it with that terrible movie now. They need time to heal, time to forget. But what I find really bizarre about this is that the costume in this picture doesn't even look real. It looks like the whole thing is badly photoshopped. Does the actual costume look like that? Because if the costume can actually create some kind of reality-bending visual effect, then that would be pretty awesome. I'm pretty sure that's not the case here though.
To the person who thinks that wearing this costume is a good idea: I hope you don't intend to be able to put your arms down the entire night. I hope that wherever you're going, you're not going to be the driver. And if you're catching a ride with somebody, I hope that you don't need a seatbelt, and that you won't have to cram into the backseat with anybody else. Or that you'll have to take public transportation and fit on a crowded bus or train. In fact, you probably shouldn't go anywhere with this costume, it's just too much of an inconvenience to everyone. If you're wearing this costume, really the only thing you should be doing is standing in the corner in some room of your house feeling bad about yourself.
Bert and Ernie Skin Suits
Behold the brick and mortar upon which nightmares are made. The fact that these are called "skin suits" actually invokes images of Bert and Ernie kidnapping poor people they've carefully tracked down who have perfect complexions. After the murders have been conducted (probably via poison or some other method that won't damage the skin), their skin is carefully removed from their bodies and the complicated dying process begins, resulting in beautiful, brightly colored skin suits that spread joy and delight to all who see their rainbow cheer.
Duck Dynasty's Miss Kay
This costume is an apron. An apron that commits the worst cardinal sin of any costume, which is being so lame and unrecognizable that you have to actually print the character's name somewhere prominent on the costume so that people will actually have some chance of knowing who it is. Though I have to admit, even reading the name, I still wouldn't know who this person actually is. I'm familiar that there's a show called Duck Dynasty that all the rednecks like to watch, but I couldn't pick Miss Kay out of a police line-up... unless she happened to be wearing an apron that had her name on it. Now, this is another one of those costumes that is far from sexy, and as it's from Duck Dynasty, I don't think it's even trying to be. But it's so godawful I just had to include it on this list.
Man in the Yellow Hat
This costume also isn't attempting to be sexy (I sincerely hope), but it does look like this person is a banana (maybe he could team up with the Banana Hammock guy above?). I know that the man in the yellow hat is from the Curious George books, but I don't know why anyone would ever want to wear this costume. Just look at that ninja tie! If not for those polka dots, you wouldn't even know it was there. And that hat genuinely looks like a repainted traffic cone. I am now curious to know if that's what it actually is. I imagine that wearing something that heavy on your head would really start to hurt after a while, unless you were considerably inebriated.
Rag Doll Man
Every year there's always some idiot who thinks that dressing up like Raggedy Andy for Halloween is a good idea, and then they end up looking like a complete asshole. Don't be that idiot. If you wear this costume, even once, you won't just not get laid that Halloween, but you'll never get laid ever again.
Betty and Barry Bondage
I don't even think I need to provide commentary on these. Just look at them! LOOK AT THEM! And now look at the guy on the right and how creepy he is. What if I told you that wasn't even a costume? What if I told you that's just a random image I found on the internet of a guy who just comes home from work every night and changes into his inflatable fake-nude bondage suit and goes down into his basement to punish kids whose faces you've seen on milk cartons? Would you even doubt it for a second? Also, again with the racist costumes, for white people only. What do you want to bet that the company that makes these costumes had never once received a complaint from a non-white person who really wanted to wear this for Halloween this year but was disappointed they couldn't make it work?
Hey look, guys, a generic "green ghost" that is in no way reminiscent of any actual character that some company has a copyright to! The problem with this is that he looks more like an angry green penis than Slimer. And what's scarier than a human-sized angry green penis? A human-sized angry green penis with hands. Grabby hands.
We've already covered in previous editions of this piece that clowns are not sexy. They cannot be, they never will be. It's just a fact of life that cannot be argued. But then when you make that clown specifically reminiscent of Ronald Fucking McDonald, well, at that point you're just trying to hurt people. There are brain aneurysms being caused by this. The only thing worse than this would be a sexy Grimace costume. I challenge you, Yandy, to make that happen.
So I understand that there are some people who take the whole "brony" thing a bit too far. Here's the main problem with this costume: look at those hands (sorry, hooves). Now if you were to find yourself wearing this costume at a party full of people, having to weather their judging looks all night, you're probably going to need a stiff drink or twelve, right? So off you go to the bar, cooler, or fridge to get yourself a nice cold one. You reach out to pick it up...ONLY YOU CAN'T! INSTEAD OF HANDS YOU JUST HAVE CLUNKY, CLUMSY HOOVES! WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW??
Another not-even-attempting-to-be-sexy costume but I just had to include this because of how horrible it is. Now an actual proper Voltron costume would be pretty amazing. This is very far from that. This looks like somebody just stole their kid's pajamas for the night because they were too cheap to go out and buy a real costume. How do you even see out of that face mask? I guess there are tiny eye slits in it, but they don't look too effective. Compounding the "I want a drink problem" from the previous costume, this one doesn't even have a mouth! You're doubly out of luck in this one! At least under that cold robotic mask no one can see your tears.
This is another situation where knee-high boots would have made so much more sense than black heels...wait, are those black heels with... socks? But they look like rubber socks. Is this a thing that people do? Maybe I'm still just weird, but this is another situation where I think it would be sexier if this woman was just wearing a proper Ghostbusters jumpsuit. And what's with that hat? The Ghostbusters never wore hats like that! And where is her proton pack? How does she actually expect to bust any ghosts without a proton pack? You are woefully unprepared for the job, ma'am.
Chewbacca Skin Suit
JESUS GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?? Back to the skin suits... and once again, I have no problem imagining that this is the result of a murder. I've had a "sexy" Chewbacca costume featured in an earlier edition of this, but this is just downright nightmarish. Perhaps a character who comes with full body hair is not someone you want to feature for a skin-tight suit where the hair is simply drawn on. This looks like Chewbacca has developed some horrible disease. What's with those snarling lips? And all my life I've been perfectly content to not think about Chewbacca's junk. I've always been aware that he actually runs around naked, but his hair just happens to cover it up (wookiees must not be well endowed). But now thanks to this, there's no ignoring Chewbacca's lopsided package. Thanks a lot.
Do you want to go to a party and get your ass kicked by a bunch of drunken "bros" when it inevitably turns into an impromptu fight club? Then have I got the costume for you! Another costume that's not trying to be sexy, but anyone who wears this is just asking to be assaulted and hit by anyone and everyone around them all night. I'm sorry, but if you're planning on going out in this you may as well stay home with Inflatable Pumpkin man and stand in the corner feeling bad about what you've done.
Sexy French Fries
Mmmm boy, nothing says "sexy" like the thought of a bunch of greasy, soggy french fries, am I right? What is it with all the food items that have been turned into costumes? Especially so-called "sexy" costumes? And you've gotta love where the "Hot Fries" is placed on that skirt. Right over the crotch? Seriously? I'm sorry, but I don't want anything to do with "hot fries" that have come from in there. I also don't want anything to do with the place those hot, greasy fries have apparently been stored in. This suggests an unpleasant medical condition I don't want to think about.
The Shocker Hand
This may just be the classiest of all the costumes on this list. Much like "Down With the Count", this guy does everybody at the party a huge favor by alerting them that he's not worth interacting with in any way. I seriously have a hard time imagining that this costume has sold so much as a single unit. I want to think that we live in a better world than that. And does this guy really think it's necessary to put his own hands in the shocker position too? You know, dude, you're wearing a giant hand that is in the shocker position. I think we've got it.
Justice League Skin Suits
Oh, thanks a fucking lot. Now you have to go and ruin super heroes for me too, skin suits? Representing truth, justice, and horrific murder with post-mortem body mutilation! I think what's creepiest about these suits is the complete lack of any eyes. With Batman and Robin it sort of works because of their masks, but Superman has turned into some soulless husk. And what's with the way Batman looks like a grumpy old man? I wonder how many suffocation deaths we'll hear about after this Halloween resulting from these masks?
Oh, another costume based loosely on My Little Pony--oh wait, I mean, not in any way affiliated with any officially licensed property owned by another company! This one could almost work... almost. If not for the giant pink dish towels wrapped around her legs. At least these hooves allow for the person wearing the costume to grab themselves a much needed drink!
Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding me? Killer B? This is a thing that somebody thought was clever? I mean, at least if the guy was dressed like a proper bee, then wielding a plastic machete might work. But basing the pun off the fact that "bee" sounds like the letter of the alphabet? That's what you're going with? At least this is another convenient costume in how it alerts others around that the person wearing it is too dumb to bother talking to.
Did you discover any horrible Halloween costumes that weren't included in this piece? Please feel free to share them in the comments below! I'm happy to see anything you may have found, and it will give me a reason to flog my unpaid crawlspace interns for not discovering them on their own!
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