Last year I did a piece on "sexy" costumes so ridiculous that they could only result in driving the unfortunate victims who saw them to a lifetime of endless celibacy. Fortunately (or not, depending on how you look at it), there are no shortage of such costumes in the world, and I've cobbled together thirty more such costumes for your perusal. I have to admit that even though many of these costumes are disturbing and may cause irreversible dick-wilting to occur, they're at least more interesting than the standard run-of-the-mill sexy nurses and zombies you see far too many of every year. Again, I've tried to include some male costumes, but most of the "sexy" male costumes pretty much go straight for the "hey, look at how this object resembles a phallus!" humor.
The good folks over at yandy.com even donated a few images to the collection, so I have to give them props for being good sports about it. They have a seemingly endless supply of wacky costumes you can check out, but I wanted to pull costumes from a variety of sources so I've only included a few of them here. Alright, on with the worst "sexy" costumes of 2012!
"You're Busted" Policewoman
The idea of a "sexy cop" costume is pretty standard, and any costume that includes handcuffs can certainly add a sexy element to it, but this so over the top it's just ludicrous. Aside from the fact that the top of the costume needs to be unzipped almost entirely to display the "BUSTED!" tank top (which is kind of the entire point), the nametag which you can't read here says "Officer Ivana B. Bad" on cheap plastic like she's some kind of Wal-Mart greeter. And aviator shades which cover half the face are never sexy on a woman under any circumstances. If you can prove me wrong, I'll send you a goddamn fruit basket.
Sexy Bacon Dress
At least it's not made of actual bacon like something out of Lady Gaga's closet, and I do fucking love me some bacon, so I have to admit that this costume at first gives me pause, as the warring, confused factions in my brain duke it out over my sudden desire for a good BLT versus the inescapable fact that oh-my-goodness-this-costume-is-stupid. But then I realize that this costume is only "sexy" because it is short... and by being short, it automatically fails at providing a sufficient amount of bacon so satisfy my hunger. So perhaps next time, costume designers, a full bacon bodysuit would be in order.
This one is along the lines of the Sexy Leatherface or Sexy Michael Myers that I included on my list last year. Even though I'm not really into sports, I have to admit that there's something kind of sexy about seeing women wearing football jerseys and the like. But this... this is... not that. Aside from the fact that the only resemblance to the character it's based on is that she's holding a machete and hockey mask in her hand, the mask is again redundantly displayed on the hockey dress (shirt?) she is wearing, which is a fair bit of overkill right there. So I guess this indicates that all the Jason fangirls out there created a hockey team based on him and show their devotion by dressing up nothing like him before running up and letting him slice them to pieces.
There is not, has never been, and never will be, anything remotely sexy about mimes. A friend of mine suggested that mimes are sexy because they don't talk, but imagine this: You meet a "sexy mime" at a Halloween party and end up going home with her, which takes about ten times longer than it should because she's walking against the wind the entire way to the car. You get inside the house and she ties an invisible lasso to your junk and pulls herself across the room (ouch!) to get to you and the bed. Then she pantomimes oral sex while hovering just out of reach of your crotch, sees that her efforts are having no effect, cries a bunch of invisible tears of sadness, then traps you in an invisible box and leaves. That's not sexy at all.
And here we have "Ring Toss", which for some unknown reason incorporates Mad Hatter headwear into the mix. I guess it's because this is supposed to resemble some showy carnival game. This costume appears to be a bright red, straight-as-a-rod "medical oddities" penis jutting out of a pair of tighty-whities (have those ever been sexy to anyone?). This costume invites anyone to grab the rings and try to toss them around the angry red penis, while the circle around it announces that the "WINNER GETS A FREE RIDE". You'll see this costume worn by douchebags everywhere this October, and it's my hope that some drunken fool decides that a horseshoe makes a good substitute for the plastic rings.
This costume suggests to me a certain craftiness. I can imagine a scenario where the woman wearing it was looking for her old dress only to discover that moths had gotten to it and eaten a giant hole in the side, and after exclaiming "Mercy me! Moths have gotten to my old dress and eaten a giant hole in the side! Whatever shall I do!?", she concludes that painting it up like a watermelon would turn it into a perfect Halloween costume. That is the only scenario I can possibly imagine that could have ended with this costume born into existence.
(the above costume image was donated by yandy.com.)
Dancing Skeleton Diva
This one is confusing to me on multiple levels. First and foremost being that it's called "Dancing Skeleton Diva". I'm with you on the "skeleton" part, but I don't know what about this suggests dancing of any kind, or of being a diva for that matter. Then there's the jauntilly-tilted hat along with what appears to be either a riding crop or a magic wand. The chest lights up with a pink glow coming from randomly scattered lights inside a heart. And I have to wonder if the person who designed this has ever seen an actual human skeleton, because this bears no resemblance to any skeleton I've ever seen. It's like this costume was designed by rolling dice against a chart of random costume elements.
Sexy Batman Dress
I don't even know what to call this one. I think it's actually attempting to be a female Batman (rather than Batgirl or Batwoman), but it's really nothing more than a short black party dress with a Batman logo and a small half-assed half-cape coming off the shoulders. This is just an extremely lazy costume, little better than a t-shirt that says "I'm <insert name of character here>!" Batman wouldn't kill someone like this on the streets of Gotham, but he would realize that he doesn't have to save her either.
Setting aside the fact that this costume looks like an oversized package of Wonder Bread, the orange pigtails and bright rainbow colors make this look like a pedophile's happiest dream. Change those flowers in her hand to a giant lollipop, and this shit would be downright illegal. Anybody who finds this kind of thing sexy should be on some kind of watch list.
It's inevitable that this year we're going to see lots of costumes based on The Avengers. And I've actually seen some sexy Thor costumes, so I know that they exist. This however is not one of them. The specific shade of gray on the leggings makes me think of sweatpants, as if this were "sitting on the couch not caring and eating Cheetos all day" Thor. And what's with the fuzzy white cuffs on the gloves? Or the tiara with the little spikes on the sides? This is a Thor who clearly doesn't give a shit of any kind.
I really don't understand the whole "taking mundane object and turning it into a short dress" phenomenon, but here we have it again with this so-called sexy crayon dress. Maybe it's just the model in this photo, but she looks extremely uncomfortable, like she's been jammed into a tight, ill-fitting tube. Perhaps one with a rampant sea of pointy plastic protrusions penetrating her backside, judging by her expression. And to top it all off, the pointy crayon tip looks like a dunce cap.
Okay, my favorite thing about this is the fact that this guy is wearing a shirt with fake muscles, when he probably has actual muscles under it that look better than what is printed on the shirt. So with a costume like this you're going to have two scenarios: either the guy is going to have arms muscular enough to suggest just how ridiculous wearing a shirt with fake muscles is, or he's going to have this image of a totally ripped torso, and either flabby beef arms or spindly spaghetti sticks throwing the whole thing into ridiculous contrast. Of course, someone with actual muscles could refrain from wearing the shirt, but then the costume is literally a pair of pants, and at that point you may as well just go naked. With an axe.
These costumes are straight out of some 1960s sci-fi throwback porn flick, though I think even in one of those they probably would have dropped slightly more budget on the wardrobe. They are supposed to light up and make noise, and the female costume has the word "HELLO" printed in red and white letters on the top (that don't light up). I'm also not clear on how either one of these outfits suggest that the person inside it is a robot. But they are from the future, so I guess I'm probably just some dumb caveman to them who could never understand their high-tech robo-wizardry.
Sexy Kermit the Frog
This is the most half-assed costume on this list so far... a dress of Kermit the Frog, and you know it's Kermit the Frog, because it's green, and it has Kermit the Frog's face on her stomach. Maybe it's a thing like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and he's just a little alien head piloting a larger robot body around. Or maybe it's just a shitty costume. I also love how the black belt in the middle makes it look like Kermit is dressed for a formal affair. Right above the bright green tutu. Given the shape of the dress though, I don't know why they didn't take the opportunity to have Kermit's face be front and center, and have his eyes be covering her breasts. The shape is perfect for it, but for some reason they went with drunk and wild Tilt-a-Kermit instead.
Sexy Miss Piggy
And then of course to compliment the Kermit costume you have to have your Miss Piggy as well. I love how on this one they didn't even bother to have her complete face. The Kermit one has the outline of his head on the costume, but this one just sloppily tosses her facial features on board, complete with one normal eye and one crack junkie's eye. And the pink opera gloves just add to the overall elegance. I love the little piggy ears too that bear no connection whatsoever to the rest of the costume. I mean, this is just a costume that communicates to all who see it "Fuck you, you piece of shit. I don't even care."
Ladies! If you're looking for a costume that gives drunken idiots the excuse they're looking for to grope you freely all night, have I got the right one for you! I'll admit that it's sort of a cute idea in theory, until you apply reality to it, because every drunken frat boy within a 100-yard radius is going to view this costume as a written rapevitation. And on that note, I think the costume designers missed a clear opportunity to rearrange the layout of this etch-a-sketch so that the drawing knobs are placed right above the nipples. I'm actually kind of surprised at how boring and mundane the drawing depicted is. You'd expect a crude drawing of a cock and balls given the sort of person this is going to attract. And finally, I have to give this costume five demerits for actually having the name of the costume written upon the costume itself. Terrible.
Let me just make one thing abundantly clear: there is no scenario in which a costume where a girl has sharp implements all over her hands is going to be found sexy by men who hoping to get those hands all over their bits and pieces. I don't care how short the skirt is, or how much skin is showing--if there are scissors where hands should be, this girl is going to be standing by the punch bowl alone. What's weird is that the Miss Freddy Krueger costume is inexplicably exempt from this rule, and will never appear on one of my costume lists. Hey, don't look at me--I don't make the rules.
This costume would be perfectly acceptable, and actually fairly sexy, if not for one important detail: it has Rocky Balboa's name on the front of it. That suggests to me that I'm supposed to think of this fair lady as a sweaty, blood-drenched, mumbly Sly Stallone. And as soon as you make that suggestion to me, costume, you have lost any chance you had to be sexy. Also, while I honestly can't say I know what kind of footwear I would expect to see with an outfit like this, one thing I am confident of is that I'm pretty sure this isn't it.
Millie the Milk Maid
After I found the Miss Piggy costume, I had a brainstorm (which I now think was actually a demon trying to communicate) that told me to google "sexy cow costume". I strongly suggest you don't make the same mistake (that's what I'm here for, to protect your innocence), but I did happen to discover this rare gem. The red gingham (I had to ask my girlfriend what this "tablecloth pattern" was called--rest easy folks, I did not know) top suggests a farmer's daughter motif, while the cow apron above it suggests a farmer's daughter who likes to bake pies, while the bonnet with large droopy cow ears suggests "no wait, I am actually a cow", while all of these things together suggest "DEAR GOD, I AM SOME KIND OF HORRIFIC DR. MOREAU HYBRID. PLEASE KILL MOOOOO---EEEEEE".
Orange Care Bear
This is actually kind of cute, you know, if you're some sick bastard who thinks that BEAR FOOD is sexy. Clearly this costume is a horrific depiction of a woman being devoured by a bear. An angry, cute, orange bear with heart-shaped birthmarks and rainbow socks. You can see her smiling face just struggling to get out of its angry, slathering bear maw. The bear head and the dangling pom-pom strings make me think of a hoodie, which gives this whole thing the feeling of a costume that somebody forgot half the pieces of and left at home.
(the above costume image was donated by yandy.com.)
Genie in the Lamp
So this guy is dressed kind of like Aladdin, but he's clearly inside the lamp where the genie belongs, so I don't really know what's going on here. He just seems kind of confused. Like I now am after looking at this. I also don't know what that is coming out of the front of the lamp. Is that actual smoke, or a big puff of cotton? I like how it has the instructions "Rub me!" on the side. Thanks, lamp. I was the one person on the planet that was unfamiliar with the whole "genie in the lamp" legend, so that was extremely helpful.
There is a way to do a sexy Beetlejuice costume, but a cheapass looking costume with the name Beetlejuice actually stitched into the skirt is not it. (If you want to know the proper way to do it, google "ghost with the most ghoul girls"). I'm sure this is a typically priced costume, but for some reason to me, it looks like something you'd find in a fast food kids meal box than a quality Halloween costume. I kind of like the hair, even though it isn't very Beetlejuicy. But if you were to say, put together a "sexy Doc Brown" costume, that wig would be just the thing you'd need. Along with a good psychiatrist.
Lolli the Clown
I know I've already had one clown on here, but I just had to include this absolute travesty of a train wreck as well. It looks like a girl from the Mushroom Kingdom tried to shove herself into a giant condom she found floating in a pile of toxic waste and got stuck somewhere along the way. And wait--is she wearing bloomers? Or are those pantaloons? Whichever they are, my cock is just rock hard looking at this, I can't even tell you.
Sexy Cobra Commander
There's a "Sexy Cobra Soldier" costume (google it), and it's not good, but it's a damn sight better than this. I don't know exactly what relation this costume bears to Cobra Commander--I guess it's the fact that they both wear blue. I mean, I wouldn't expect a "sexy" version of Cobra Commander to be wearing the silver mask or the blue hood instead of a beret, so I don't know what I would expect, which kind of brings me to the conclusion that the words "sexy" and "Cobra Commander" don't belong in the same sentence. Also, this costume "inspired" me, you might say, to google "sexy Megatron", which I would not recommend for anyone.
So if you didn't have any good costume ideas and the forecast for Halloween is calling for rain, you can always put on this piece of shit, only you won't really keep dry because it appears to be made out of a very thin mesh. I always thought that the general idea behind a mask was to cover your face, but if you can find a poncho with the mask printed on it instead, that apparently works just as well. You'll surely strike terror in the hearts of college kids everywhere with your Screamy Poncho of Doom.
Longuini and Meatballs
Mama Mia! Another male costume with a cock-a-and-a-ballsa joke! What has to be the most annoying thing about this costume is the requirement that the person wearing it hold the plate up with his hands all night. Otherwise it's just going to look downright bizarre if you have a plate of phallic shaped food just inexplicably dangling from the front of your pants. So how exactly are you supposed to hold your drink if you've got to constantly be holding up a plate of man meat, anyway?
Sexy Bubble Gum
Whenever I'm picking out a pack of gum at the store, I always make sure to select the one with the best hourglass figure. This costume has the words "Bubble Gum" printed on the side because without that, you'd have no idea what this was supposed to be. I-Just-Stepped-Out-of-the-Shower? A slightly used fairy tampon? Yet another mundane inanimate object given "sexy" life for no good reason.
Sexy Wild Thing
Wild Thing is supposed to be the daughter of Wolverine and Elektra, but basically everyone who sees this is going to think this is a sexy female version of Wolverine, because that's basically what it is. This ill-fitting dress looks like it's made out of tin foil, and those tiny little claws are just laughable. Honestly, I'd have more respect for a girl who actually dressed like Wolverine than this (which would also not be sexy), but since there's already a much better female version of Wolverine out there called X-23, it seems strange that anyone would even bother with this costume.
"Smokin' Hot" Firefighter
Much like the god-awful policewoman costume that started off the article, this firefighter costume requires that the top be unzipped pretty much down to the belt in order to reveal the entire "joke" behind the costume in the first place. Note that I say "joke" in quotes because this is the same kind of "humor" that causes people to think that shows like Two and a Half Men are actually funny. If they'd simply had a short firefighter dress without her breasts incredible-hulking out of the costume with a label to inform you how hot they are, this would have been perfectly fine.
Sexy Bert and Ernie
And this is the one that makes me feel dirty about my entire childhood. I do not understand these costumes, much in the same way I never understood differential equations in college. I don't know who ever decided that throwing the character's disembodied scalp on top of one's head suffices for a mask, but I guess without those creepy half-faces staring at us with their cold death eyes, we'd only have the clothing to go by to identify these costumes, and I have to say that I don't much recall Bert and Ernie dressing like this. Ernie is also showing a considerable amount more skin, proving without a doubt that he is the bigger attention whore of the two.
(the above costume image was donated by yandy.com.)
Much like with my previous article, my research uncovered far more costumes than I could actually include in this piece, so I already have a significant stable of costumes for next year's edition. If you've found anything this year that you feel deserves to be included, please share your terrible discoveries in the comments below!
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