Since Halloween is a time of year when people dress up as all manner of things, it's hardly surprising that in addition to all the funny and creepy costumes there are a lot of sexy costumes out there. But for every one genuinely cool and creative sexy costume that exists, there are ninety-nine generic sexy costumes that aren't bad per se, but aren't really all that interesting either. Seeing slutty nurses, slutty schoolgirls, and slutty Alaskan crab fishermen is a pretty standard, run of the mill part of the Halloween experience.
But there are some "sexy" costumes that are anything but. These costumes are marketed as sexy, but are horrible abominations that should have never seen the light of day. Most of them try to take some kind of character that already exists, and try to put some kind of sexy "twist" on it. Often this simply involves taking a traditionally male character and giving it a sex change, to often disturbing effect. I've compiled together a collection of 30 such costumes for your perusal. This list is heavily weighted towards female costumes, though I did try to include a few male ones here and there. The fact is that the female costumes are far better at putting disturbing twists on their initial concept. Keep in mind that the models in these pictures are often attractive (that's what models are paid to be), but we're focusing on the costumes themselves here. So if you tell me I'm crazy because I don't find this or that "HAWT CHICK" attractive, you're totally missing the point.
Lil' Orphan Annie
Setting aside for a minute the fact that this character is a fucking child, if you've ever seen any of the Annie comic strips, you know that she has the creepy soulless eyes of a zombie, or a lifeless doll that knows nothing but the cold hunger that no amount of murder will sate, but will keep trying to feed that beast anyway. Throw onto all that the curly red Ronald McDonald clown afro and you've got a recipe that could instantly wither a man who just downed an entire bottle of viagra.
(the above costume image was donated by yandy.com.)
Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a deformed freak who has to cover his face with a mask stitched together from his victims whom he has killed and carved apart with his chainsaw. I don't know what about that idea suggests in any way that the world needed a sexy female equivalent but like it or not, we appear to have it. Perhaps we are meant to believe that Leatherface has attracted some mentally disturbed young hottie and has charmed her into marrying into his friendly and loving family. And interesting how the female version is completely lacking in the male version's horrible deformities. Setting aside the ridiculous toy chainsaw, this cheap costume has drawn on stitching and is cut in a style that more resembles something that Wilma Flintstone would be found wearing.
As long as we're on sexy female versions of horror movie icons, here we have a female version of the creepy, ugly-as-hell doll Chucky from the Child's Play movies who pretty much in no way shape or form resembles the villainous antagonist aside from the fact that she's wearing a dress that vaguely looks like overalls. Here we have another "pretty girl" version of a male character that is fugly as hell on top of not even being human. And the costume itself looks like something more likely to attract pedophiles than any other kind of male attention.
"Sassy" Cookie Monster
Speaking of pedophiles, here we have a costume that attempts to sexualize a classic icon from the children's show Sesame Street, something that pretty much every American under forty years old watched as a child, so there's nothing at all disturbing about this whatsoever. But it's okay because they call it "sassy" rather than sexy, which is good, because even without the unsettling Sesame Street connection there is nothing sexy about this outfit whatsoever. The costume itself is so lacking in any identifiable details that they had to slap a cookie onto the bow in front and incorporate the top of Cookie Monster's head (as if he'd been scalped) as a hat.
"Sassy" Big Bird
And then we have "Sassy" Big Bird, which looks so ludicrous that the only response any girl could hope to receive while wearing this costume is bursts of uncontrollable laughter. The way her head fits so perfectly into his mouth it's almost as if some giant human-eating bird is regurgitating its last meal to feet its hungry young. The most attractive woman in the world could approach any man wearing this costume and the only response he'd be capable of giving is "you've got to be fucking kidding me" before turning around and walking away.
Sexy Green M&M
The Green M&M costume takes the standard "let's show some skin" approach of sexy costumes and does the exact opposite-- "let's cover everything up but then on top of that let's surround you in a giant puffy sphere", thus creating the "mystery bag" of costumes. Any guy who encounters this a girl wearing this is going to have no idea what he's getting into-- is she anorexically skinny? Pleasantly curvy? Is she shaped exactly like the costume and perhaps it's really just form fitting spandex? No one can say. Also, those eyes, goddamn them, they won't stop looking at me. And what's with the snooty smirk?
Never fear, ladies! Captain Six-Pack is here to save you from sobriety with his six-pack belt of inevitably cheap domestic beer and mutant powers of rampant douchebaggery. Now I'm no expert on what women find sexy, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this isn't it. I'm just a little disappointed that they got one detail about this very wrong-- the baseball cap should be turned around backwards.
Sexy KISS Demon
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Also, no. With a side of no. Female Gene Simmons is what nightmares are made of.
Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I have to give some serious geek cred to any girl that would actually wear one of these costumes. And then I would have to ask "Why the fuck are you wearing that!?" The costumes themselves look to be made of shiny wrapping paper, the little inflatable shell backpacks look like big green whoopie cushions... while the geek in me kind of admires the idea behind this, these are just plain awful in their execution. It's pretty sad that there apparently aren't enough cool female characters out there that they have to continually turn to making female versions of male characters. And why is it that Donatello and Michelangelo aren't pictured with their weapons anyway?
Sexy Olive Oyl
Olive Oyl is the least sexy character ever created in the history of anything (even less sexy than the freaky baby guy Kuato who comes out of George's stomach in Total Recall), so why they tried to create a sexy Halloween costume is beyond my ability to understand. She has a physique that roughly looks like a cantaloupe stuck on top of a toothpick, and her voice sounds like a cat being fucked to death by a meth-crazed werewolf. I always just kind of figured that she was the best that a deformed mutant like Popeye could ever hope to get, but apparently some marketing genius out there believes that she's a viable sex symbol. The mere thought of this hideous character makes my skin crawl.
Believe it or not, I actually did find this costume in the "Sexy" section of some Halloween costumes web site. I suppose in a way it makes sense. Women find confidence sexy, after all, and you'd have to have a dangerously insane level of confidence to go out in public wearing this kooky getup. I don't know what the insane line of logic some guy who selects this costume must be: "If I wear this costume and hit on girls at the Halloween party, they'll inevitably think of sex, and then they'll associate me with sex. And then they won't be able to think of sex without thinking of my tiny face poking out of the giant puffy sperm fatsuit, and then they'll find me completely irresistible! It's a plan that can't possibly fail!"
Sexy Hello Kitty
This is another bizarre choice, given that Hello Kitty is a character that nobody but the most hopelessly mentally ill are going to think of in any sexual context whatsoever. But since this is a Japanese creation, for all I know they've produced volumes of tentacle porn involving the character. Let's hope not. If you happen to know this is true, do me a favor and keep it to yourself. Perhaps some sexist men find the oven mitt gloves to be sexy, because they invoke ideas of baking in the kitchen.
What, you don't see any resemblance to Robocop here? Well, I happen to know it's Robocop, because just like he wore in the movie, she has a choker collar with the name "Robocop" written across it. Without the rest of the helmet, the visor looks more like it belongs on Geordi Laforge's face than on Officer Alex Murphy's. She definitely looks like a force of authority we can all trust to represent and uphold the law.
You know how I said that Olive Oyl is the least sexy character ever created in the history of anything? Well, Betty Boop is a close second. I will never understand how anyone can equate that bizarre, squeaky-voiced misshapen potato-head with a sex symbol, but apparently a lot of people do. Take away the Betty Boop associations and there's nothing wrong with this, but when you take that away, it stops being a costume and becomes nothing more than a cheap red dress.
There is only one group of people that can, will and should find this costume sexy, and that is gay men. And more power to them, I say. I imagine this would be a big hit in the gay clubs, but any straight man hoping to attract a woman wearing this is barking up the wrong tree. Maybe I'm wrong, but ladies, if you saw this guy on the street, do you think that he would even be the least bit interested in the equipment you're packing?
Sexy Michael Myers
Going back to the horror movie icons for a moment, we have here a sexy female version of Michael Myers from the Halloween films, a creepy killer whose eerie mask was fashioned after William Shatner's face. And then you have this, a tight jumpsuit that looks like it belongs to a sexy auto mechanic and has the word "Halloween" printed on the chest. It's never a good sign for the quality of a costume when the only way to possibly identify it is by having the name of the franchise emblazoned prominently somewhere on it.
Sexy Darth Vader
Now let's step into a galaxy far, far away for a moment. This is an original con creation that someone made, and I applaud their costume making abilities. Those knee-high boots are perfectly cool, and oh hey now! Check out those legs! Very nice, very nice! Leading up to some kind of weird belt apparatus, that's cool, and then what looks like Darth Vader's chestplate dashboard GPS thing... okay, I'm with ya, this is probably some sexy evil Sith chick... and then we have a little bit of cleavage, okay, you got my attention, and moving up to JESUS CHRIST, OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK!! You just tried to trick me into finding Dark Vader sexy! There can be NO forgiveness. Darth Vader's helmet completely ruins what would otherwise be a legitimately sexy costume. There is not, nor has there ever been, anything remotely sexy about Darth Vader's helmet. It is cool, yes, but sexy? NO no no! All I can think of behind that helmet is crispy-fried old man who looks like Humpty Dumpty. The helmet is so big compared to her body that she looks like a bobblehead on top of everything else.
This is another con outfit that is just plain wrong. Again we have the whole bobblehead effect going on with the helmet being about three times bigger than it should be. Like Darth Vader, stormtrooper helmets are cool, but not remotely sexy. I don't care if that little black vent for the mouth opens up for a blowjob function. This costume gives me the creeps, like if you took her back to your place and got the helmet off you would discover that it's a guy under the mask. It's like that scene in Empire where Luke goes into the cave on Dagobah and thinks he kills Darth Vader... only much creepier. I have to admire the geekiness of these girls... just not the costumes.
Oh god. I didn't think it could get any worse. It just got worse. How can God allow something like this to happen? Is that a cut up sweater that she's wearing under that robo-corset? And shiny gold leggings? Thank God they don't sell this one in stores, but from the looks of it, you can make one yourself with components bought at the Dollar Store.
How can the words "sexy" and "Chewbacca" find themselves at home in the same sentence, let alone back to back? I don't understand this at all. And this one IS mass-produced and available for purchase. And for those of you who are like "it's just a sexy girl wearing fur" I will remind you that it's supposed to be a sexy Chewbacca costume. Imagine you meet this girl at a party and you take her home and start getting it on and suppose she's really into staying in character and starts making those ululating wookiee roars? How sexy is it then? If you are some woman reading this and you make those sounds the next time you have sex and you tell me that you did it, I will vote for you for President in 2012.
(the above costume image was donated by yandy.com.)
Yep, that thing is pretty much attached to the front of his pants. Whaddya say, ladies? If you meet this guy at a Halloween party and he walks up to you, are you going to give him the time of day? This ridiculous "male enhancement package" was totally in the "Sexy" section of some costume web site, I shit you not.
Sexy Sock Monkey
Nothing against sock monkeys, but they don't exactly scream "ERECTION TIME!", you know? Well, I suppose there is some (hopefully) very tiny portion of the population who do enjoy having sex with those things, but let's try really hard to forget about that. She looks more like a barber shop pole with a monkey on top, and barber shops are about the least sexy location I can imagine, behind only prison laundry rooms.
Miss Sexy Tater Tot
I'm sure at least one person out there exists with a Mr. Potato-Head fetish, and it's probably a serial killer who carves up his victims and rearranges their facial features for a good time. For everyone else in the world, this is not attractive. This is the kind of costume that says "My body may be thirty but my brain is five!" Seeing that doe-eyed, dopishly smiling cartoon face covering the torso of a grown woman is just creepy and weird. And is that a flower on her wrist or is that supposed to be a fried egg? I really can't decide which of those would be more appropriate.
There are a lot of Lady Gaga costumes out there right now, which isn't exactly surprising. Most of them are labeled specifically as Lady Gaga. Oddly, this one was not. I don't even remember what kind of generic name it had attached to it now, but it couldn't be more obvious that that's who this is trying to be. I actually like Lady Gaga, but the problem is that while Lady Gaga's costumes are always weird and interesting, some of them are sexy, and many more are far, far from it. This happens to fall firmly into the latter category. It's like someone couldn't decide what to wear one morning so she just threw on a bit of everything. It looks awful. But the poor thing probably has no idea, being blindfolded like that.
Sexy Mario and Luigi
The idea behind these is almost cute, in a way, but sexy? I mean, obviously the mustaches-on-a-stick certainly contribute much to the overall sexiness of this, but plumbing is not exactly a sexy profession. Maybe I'm wrong and there are woman out there who just swoon over the idea of catching a glimpse of some hairy plumber's crack, but that's what these costumes make me think of. I don't want to imagine these women having hairy buttcracks, so why do they try to make me?
Sexy Miss Twister
Any woman who wears this costume at a party can expect to have annoying douchebags approaching her all night long making the same comments about wanting to "spin her wheel" and "play on her board". That doesn't mean the costume is sexy, it just means that it gives uncreative people a really easy and obvious couple of lines to use. It's a costume that allows all the men in the room to be lazy. She may as well be wearing a garbage bag though, looking at the alarming quality of that thing. That would probably be sexier.
Sexy "300" Spartan
I couldn't believe when I found this costume in the "Sexy" section on a web site. Even more unbelievable than that was the fact that this abomination costs nearly $600. For that much money they can send me a personal trainer so I can bulk up and get the real muscles needed to pull off this costume properly. Any costume that involves a foam suit of fake muscles cannot possibly be found sexy by anyone. I'm as certain of this as I have ever been of anything. If you are wearing this on Halloween, you have already failed.
Sexy Optimus Prime
Oh, now they've gone and done it. They just tried to sexualize one of my childhood heroes, and I am deeply disturbed by this. There are female Transformers, so I'm not clear on why they decided to give Optimus Prime a sex change. I guess they could argue that nobody but the geekiest geeks would know who any of the female Transformer characters are, but if you're wearing this costume, and geeks aren't the social demographic that you are trying to attract the fawning attention of, then do I have some bad news for you, madam. I find the placement of the windshield panels to be quite hilarious on this one, but if they were gonna do that, they may as well have gone all the way and made them transparent.
Anime Wonder Woman
There's no man alive that doesn't appreciate the hell out of Wonder Woman (even-- no, especially gay men). This is an anime inspired redesign of her costume, and I actually think it's pretty cool. So how on earth did this costume make my unsexy list? Well, that would be because of the dead animal piled on top of her head. Just LOOK at that ridiculous hair! I mean, I grew up in the 80s, so I can appreciate some big hair, but come on! That's just neck-injury level ridiculous right there. And it looks like the hair is actually attached to the tiara, so it probably can't be removed. Terrible.
Sexy Spongebob Squarepants
This is like one of those awful cheap Collegeville kid's costumes I remember from my childhood where you didn't actually dress up as the character, you simply wore a smock that had a picture of that character, and perhaps a logo with the character's name, so that it was more tacitly understood that you were supposed to "be" that character rather than actually being dressed as the character. Take away the drooling retarded sponge and you have a passable if not somewhat plain schoolgirl outfit, but this shit is downright abysmal. I love that his wide, happy eyes are right on top of her breasts. And what's with the little tie right over her crotch? It's almost like a "pull here" cord-- to what end, I'm not quite sure. This shit ain't right.
I have to tell you that doing the research for this piece was in no small way traumatic as hell. Though thirty costumes seems like a lot, I uncovered plenty of others that that I might be able to include in a follow-up piece someday, and I'm sure there are others still that I've (fortunately) yet to even discover. Please feel free to share any of your own discoveries with me in the comments section below, or shoot me the links in an email and I will add them to the pile to be used next time around.
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