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Hacked Rom Reviews!

Ass Climber!
-a rom hack of "Ice Climber" for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie


Every time I sit down to do another rom hack review, I ask myself if this will be the one that finally breaks my spirit and makes me wonder if there will ever be light in this dark world again. Well, folks, humanity has made yet another giant leap in that direction with this latest rom hack, and not since my review of the Super KKK Brothers series have I witnessed one rom hacker’s absolute contempt for his audience, and indeed, a disregard for all manner of laws and morals. Today’s rom hack is an endearing homage to that classic NES game Ice Climber, entitled “Ass Climber.”

Trust me, you won't be climbing ice. You'll be climbing ASS.

What troubles me the most about what the author, a Mr. B. Blobby, has chosen to alter in the title screen is his changing “mountain” to “Yyubla B.” I first thought it was some sort of obscure reference to the male or female reproductive system, standard fare in modern rom hacks, but neither the most knowledgeable medical advice sites, nor the dirtiest porno sites could confirm this. Oh well, I’m sure it’s nothing important. Anyway, after spending a little more time doing research at the dirtiest porno sites, I started a “1 gayor gayo” at “Yyubla B. 1.”

PENIS BIRD ALERT! PENIS BIRD ALERT!

Good lord, a bird with a penis for a head! Call the National Audubon Society! Worse yet, that hung hummingbird has stolen the morphine that makes everyday living that much easier for me! Now, it’s personal!

Smack dat Ass! THERE'S 'ASS' EVERYWHERE!! Perfect Penile Pummeling

To get to the precious drugs, you’ll had to break through the ceilings of what can only be described as “ass blocks” using only your hammer/penis. There are about eight layers between you and the top of this mountain of ass, so you’d better get cracking (that being the first and final pun of the review). Rest assured that this is no penis-wielding, ass-climbing cakewalk. The residents of the ass mountain will be out in full force, bent on stymieing your quest to extract vengeance upon the Red Crested Wang Gander.

toke? toke 'n drink? SATAN!!!!

For starters, you’ll encounter this floating cigar. Whenever you tear a chunk of ass out of the lovely mountainside, one will scoot on out from the side of the screen with a bottle of water to fill the gap. Of course, you can smash the bottles of water with your member/mallet for a bonus at the end of the level. You know, of all the situations that I have ever described as going on during the course of a rom hack, the player character smashing a floating cigar’s bottle of water with a giant penis has to be one of the more memorable ones.

Anyway, should you strike the cigar with your penis, it will transform and “Satan” its way back to the side of the screen. That’s a pretty strong anti-cigar sentiment, if you ask me. I guess B. Blobby just doesn’t like smoking.

The other common enemy that you will encounter is one of the deadlier mountain predators: the flying…

classy, eh?

"Why don't you make like a tree, and get the fuck out of here?"
“FUCK! ASS!”
(and where were the Boondock Saints when this atrocity was being created!?)
 

I knew there was still one obscenity missing from this rom hack. I mean, sure, there’s plenty of penises, and there’s certainly no shortage of the word, “fag,” but where is the versatile f-word. Better still, it is accompanied by the supplemental “ass.” Should you swat this dynamic duo out of the sky, they will plummet off screen, changing from the coy “fuck ass,” to the more Bauhaus, “fag ho!”

GET YOUR RED HOT PRON HERE!

It’s the flashing “pron” sign, straight out of the red light district (or rather, "the red lihtg dsitirct"). It has the power to move the earth, just like regular porn, and should you spend too much time screwing around with the ass blocks, one will be sent forth to shift the whole mountain up. As if that weren’t bad enough, you can’t take out this behemoth simply by smacking it with your mountain-climbing penis. No, this requires crafty thinking, and skilled use of the terrain to fell this deadly neon spelling error.

That nearly completes the compulsory list of features for the contemporary rom hack. The final criterion, the icing on the urinal cake, is racism/nazism.

A Nazi Thermos or a Nazi Bomb? You decide!

You’ll need to watch your head, lest you be smote from above by a nazi sports thermos. Like just about everything else, you can smack this expensive third Reich beverage container out of the air and get a little bonus out of it. Unfortunately, you don’t get free refills, no matter how many you smash (Insert rim shot effect).

Bybus Slago!? Is there a Klingon in the house? Good to see those heartwarming bonuses adding up.

At the summit of the ass mountain, you’ll have a chance to earn extra points by gathering up hypodermic needles, swastikas, penises and the like in the “bybus slago.” Just as with the “yyubla,” I am quite confused as to what B. Blobby was trying to say when he changed “bonus round,” to “bybus slago.” Google suggests that what I meant was “bybus sligo,” which, from the search results has something to do with a newsletter written in Dutch. Should you succeed in the bybus slago, and catch the bird with the penis for a head, you will receive a “W. bbor bybus.” You know, the idea that someone took the time to change regular words into a hodgepodge of dyslexia and Tourette’s syndrome is baffling. Perhaps the new trend in rom hacking is to use words that only sound dirty.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t have a ranking system worked out yet for determining which of these mind flaying-ly stupid rom hacks is the worst, though if I did, I am sure that this would be among the top three. Between the word “ass” appearing four hundred times at once, and “bybus slago,” this rom hack has left me at a loss for words. I’ll let this final screenshot speak for itself:

GAYE OVER! :(
“Gaye over, man, gaye over!”

My eyes can tolerate ass no more!
Dr. Boogie



You too can play Ass Climber!

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE ASS CLIMBER FOR THE NES!]

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]


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