Every time I sit down to do another rom hack review, I ask myself if this
will be the one that finally breaks my spirit and makes me wonder if there
will ever be light in this dark world again. Well, folks, humanity has
made yet another giant leap in that direction with this latest rom hack,
and not since my review of the Super KKK Brothers series have I witnessed
one rom hacker’s absolute contempt for his audience, and indeed, a
disregard for all manner of laws and morals. Today’s rom hack is an
endearing homage to that classic NES game Ice Climber, entitled “Ass
What troubles me the most about what the author, a Mr. B. Blobby, has
chosen to alter in the title screen is his changing “mountain” to “Yyubla
B.” I first thought it was some sort of obscure reference to the male or
female reproductive system, standard fare in modern rom hacks, but neither
the most knowledgeable medical advice sites, nor the dirtiest porno sites
could confirm this. Oh well, I’m sure it’s nothing important. Anyway,
after spending a little more time doing research at the dirtiest porno
sites, I started a “1 gayor gayo” at “Yyubla B. 1.”
Good lord, a bird with a penis for a head! Call the National Audubon
Society! Worse yet, that hung hummingbird has stolen the morphine that
makes everyday living that much easier for me! Now, it’s personal!
To get to the precious drugs, you’ll had to break through the ceilings of
what can only be described as “ass blocks” using only your hammer/penis.
There are about eight layers between you and the top of this mountain of
ass, so you’d better get cracking (that being the first and final pun of
the review). Rest assured that this is no penis-wielding, ass-climbing
cakewalk. The residents of the ass mountain will be out in full force,
bent on stymieing your quest to extract vengeance upon the Red Crested
For starters, you’ll encounter this floating cigar. Whenever you tear a
chunk of ass out of the lovely mountainside, one will scoot on out from
the side of the screen with a bottle of water to fill the gap. Of course,
you can smash the bottles of water with your member/mallet for a bonus at
the end of the level. You know, of all the situations that I have ever
described as going on during the course of a rom hack, the player
character smashing a floating cigar’s bottle of water with a giant penis
has to be one of the more memorable ones.
Anyway, should you strike the cigar with your penis, it will transform and
“Satan” its way back to the side of the screen. That’s a pretty strong
anti-cigar sentiment, if you ask me. I guess B. Blobby just doesn’t like
The other common enemy that you will encounter is one of the deadlier
mountain predators: the flying…
(and where were the Boondock Saints when this atrocity was being
I knew there was still one obscenity missing from this rom hack. I mean,
sure, there’s plenty of penises, and there’s certainly no shortage of the
word, “fag,” but where is the versatile f-word. Better still, it is
accompanied by the supplemental “ass.” Should you swat this dynamic duo
out of the sky, they will plummet off screen, changing from the coy “fuck
ass,” to the more Bauhaus, “fag ho!”
It’s the flashing “pron” sign, straight out of the red light district (or
rather, "the red lihtg dsitirct"). It has the power to move the earth, just
like regular porn, and should you spend too much time screwing around with
the ass blocks, one will be sent forth to shift the whole mountain up. As
if that weren’t bad enough, you can’t take out this behemoth simply by
smacking it with your mountain-climbing penis. No, this requires crafty
thinking, and skilled use of the terrain to fell this deadly neon spelling
That nearly completes the compulsory list of features for the contemporary
rom hack. The final criterion, the icing on the urinal cake, is racism/nazism.
You’ll need to watch your head, lest you be smote from above by a nazi
sports thermos. Like just about everything else, you can smack this
expensive third Reich beverage container out of the air and get a little
bonus out of it. Unfortunately, you don’t get free refills, no matter how
many you smash (Insert rim shot effect).
At the summit of the ass mountain, you’ll have a chance to earn extra
points by gathering up hypodermic needles, swastikas, penises and the like
in the “bybus slago.” Just as with the “yyubla,” I am quite confused as to
what B. Blobby was trying to say when he changed “bonus round,” to “bybus
slago.” Google suggests that what I meant was “bybus sligo,” which, from
the search results has something to do with a newsletter written in Dutch.
Should you succeed in the bybus slago, and catch the bird with the penis
for a head, you will receive a “W. bbor bybus.” You know, the idea that
someone took the time to change regular words into a hodgepodge of
dyslexia and Tourette’s syndrome is baffling. Perhaps the new trend in rom
hacking is to use words that only sound dirty.
Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t have a ranking system worked out yet for
determining which of these mind flaying-ly stupid rom hacks is the worst,
though if I did, I am sure that this would be among the top three. Between
the word “ass” appearing four hundred times at once, and “bybus slago,”
this rom hack has left me at a loss for words. I’ll let this final
screenshot speak for itself:
“Gaye over, man, gaye over!”
You too can play Ass Climber!
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE
ASS CLIMBER FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO
DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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