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Hacked Rom Reviews!

Bloody Hackfest!
-four "bloody" rom hacks for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie

Halloween is a time when we can all revel with the evil of countless millennia by donning our costumes and delivering to our friends and neighbors that infamous ultimatum, ďtrick or treat.Ē Since the season has put me in a generous mood, Iím going to give you both. Iím about to treat you to a brand new rom hack.

And therein lays the trick. Instead of getting a single beer-drugs-penis rom hack, Iíll be showing off four, count Ďem, FOUR hacks thatíll get you into the Halloween spirit by showing you the horrible blackness that infects the soul of every rom hacker, and the twisted, broken remnants that lie in the wake of the twisted creatures whose corrupting touch strangles away joy and happiness and leaves only hatred and bitter regret.

These four hacks all have something in common, aside from depravity: they all have ďbloodyĒ in the title. And so, without further ado, I present the first offering: Bloody City.

Get the Visine!

Holy crap, what happened to your eyes? You guys need to start blinking more often. Then again, I suppose you canít help but keep your eyes wide open Ďtil they get all bloodshot on account of the ďslay.Ē And itís for one or two people? Incredible! I can hardly wait to see what kind of bloody carnage awaits meÖ

The spookiness of pastel shirts cannot be overstated.

Whoa, cool! Their heads are all bloody, and their eyeballs are just as dried out as our heroesí. Could this game get any better? I submit that it cannot.

Slace? What kind of joint are you running, Mao?

Gee whiz! The author has replaced the old white type with a blood red font complete with crappy little embellishments. This may very well be the height of coolness. Then again, thereís an equally likely chance that this is total bilge, and that the author should be beaten to death with his own arms. In any case, take one last look at the most horrifying sight in the hack:


Criminy, his face is melting off like the Nazi from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark! Jesus, the author is a real sick bastard.


Oh god, itís trying to talk. Somebody kill it! Kill it with fire!!! Ugh, I think Iím gonna be sick.

But Iím going to hold it in, because right now, itís time for the next in line: Bloody Dagger Bros.

This is going to be great!

Now thatís innovation. The author has transformed boring old Mario into a tangled mass of red lines, not entirely unlike a fire hydrant with peeling paint. Then again, maybe itís some sort of strange dagger. A bloody one, of course. And when you grab one of the unaltered mushroomsÖ

I'm invisible on Mars.

As you can see, the author has decked out Mario in some kind of red ghillie suit. I guess Mario needs the suit so that he can sneak up on people and bloody his dagger. You know, come to think of it, I havenít seen any sign of a dagger, bloody or otherwise, in this whole hack. Unless you count the ensanguined midget from earlier.

Eat candy corn!

Ah, there we go. The only daggers in the whole game are thrown by Mario, who in this case looks like he had a gallon of *bzzzt* mayonnaise *bzzzt* poured on his head (Editorís note: the preceding joke has been edited for sexually explicit language). Sure, they arenít bloody daggers, per se, but what do you expect? The author was probably too upset when he saw just how ugly he made the original game to think of knives or daggers. Take a look:

What crappy mortarwork.

Gorgeous. Just Gorgeous. NEXT!!!

Probably the bloodiest thing in this whole article.

Welcome to Bloody Ax Bros. As you can see, a bloody ax. Just so weíre clear on this. Oh sure, I know what youíre thinking: that is the shittiest bloody ax Iíve ever seen. Hey, itís probably just a little worn from all that chopping. I mean, just look at how much blood is on it! Wowie!!

Lemme ax you a question...

In order to become a larger bloody ax, you have to grab a clean, well-maintained ax. Oh, the irony. Still, itís worth it to go against the gameís title and credo. Just look at the result:

It wriggles its way through tree trunks.

Oh yeah, shake it baby! Itís a larger, crappier looking ax, but on the other hand, it does have two heads. Of course, the two heads are vibrating as though it were some kind of electric ax, but thereís still two of Ďem. Thatís got to count for something.

The future of ax technology!

This, though, this is just disappointing. The ultimate incarnation of the bloody axe is just a crummy mother-of-pearl ax that shoots smaller, CLEAN axes. What a gyp. A couple red pixels. Thatís all Iím asking for when my big ax throws a bunch of little axes. Is that really so much to ask?

Moreover, look at what you have to pick up to get to that huge let-down:

Nothing says "bloody" like a flashing basketball.

What the hell? A flashing orange? What does that have to do with anything? Nothing, thatís what.

Those are some wicked eyebrows.Go inflate the flashing basketball!

And just look at these mutants. The one on the left still looks enough like a Goomba, but the thing on the rightÖ that was supposed to be a Koopa Troopa. Now, itís some kind of walking bicycle pump. Well, thank god the author gave up after only two revisions.

Ugh, what a stinker. Itíll be hard to top that one. Letís take a look at our final hack: Bloody Kong.

Damn you, cherry Starburst!

Yep, thatís him alright. Note how badly his gums are bleeding. And those bloodshot eyesÖ that monkey has a drug problem.

Viva la difference.

Take a good look, folks. This is the rest of the hack: A slightly bloodier ape, and the hero wearing a special suit. No bloody insects, no blood-spraying gun, no nuthiní. Well, less work for me, I guess. Such a waste.

Boy, that sure was bloody! What a great way to get an early start on Halloween. Iíd like to personally thank the rom hack authors out there for putting forth the minimum amount of effort, and turning out these four shitpiles. Next Halloween, Iíll bring you all the many Castlevania hacks that have made the game both hideous to behold, and utterly unplayable. Until then, have a spooky Halloween, and remember: when dressed as a ghost, say ďbooĒ with enthusiasm. Boo like youíve just spotted a rom hacker on the street. And then disembowel that same person. On principle, of course.

A knife from Bloody Ax Bros.  Irrelevant!!!
Dr. Boogie

You too can play all four of the games featured in Bloody Hackfest!






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