Halloween is a time when we can all revel with the evil of countless
millennia by donning our costumes and delivering to our friends and
neighbors that infamous ultimatum, ďtrick or treat.Ē Since the season has
put me in a generous mood, Iím going to give you both. Iím about to treat
you to a brand new rom hack.
And therein lays the trick. Instead of getting a single beer-drugs-penis
rom hack, Iíll be showing off four, count Ďem, FOUR hacks thatíll get you
into the Halloween spirit by showing you the horrible blackness that
infects the soul of every rom hacker, and the twisted, broken remnants
that lie in the wake of the twisted creatures whose corrupting touch
strangles away joy and happiness and leaves only hatred and bitter regret.
These four hacks all have something in common, aside from depravity: they
all have ďbloodyĒ in the title. And so, without further ado, I present the
first offering: Bloody City.
what happened to your eyes? You guys need to start blinking more often.
Then again, I suppose you canít help but keep your eyes wide open Ďtil
they get all bloodshot on account of the ďslay.Ē And itís for one or two
people? Incredible! I can hardly wait to see what kind of bloody carnage
Their heads are all bloody, and their eyeballs are just as dried out as
our heroesí. Could this game get any better? I submit that it cannot.
The author has replaced the old white type with a blood red font complete
with crappy little embellishments. This may very well be the height of
coolness. Then again, thereís an equally likely chance that this is total
bilge, and that the author should be beaten to death with his own arms. In
any case, take one last look at the most horrifying sight in the hack:
face is melting off like the Nazi from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Jesus, the author is a real sick bastard.
Oh god, itís
trying to talk. Somebody kill it! Kill it with fire!!! Ugh, I think Iím
gonna be sick.
But Iím going to hold it in, because right now, itís time for the next in
line: Bloody Dagger Bros.
innovation. The author has transformed boring old Mario into a tangled
mass of red lines, not entirely unlike a fire hydrant with peeling paint.
Then again, maybe itís some sort of strange dagger. A bloody one, of
course. And when you grab one of the unaltered mushroomsÖ
As you can
see, the author has decked out Mario in some kind of red ghillie suit. I
guess Mario needs the suit so that he can sneak up on people and bloody
his dagger. You know, come to think of it, I havenít seen any sign of a
dagger, bloody or otherwise, in this whole hack. Unless you count the
ensanguined midget from earlier.
Ah, there we
go. The only daggers in the whole game are thrown by Mario, who in this
case looks like he had a gallon of *bzzzt* mayonnaise *bzzzt* poured on
his head (Editorís note: the preceding joke has been edited for sexually
explicit language). Sure, they arenít bloody daggers, per se, but what do
you expect? The author was probably too upset when he saw just how ugly he
made the original game to think of knives or daggers. Take a look:
Gorgeous. Just Gorgeous. NEXT!!!
Bloody Ax Bros. As you can see, a
bloody ax. Just so weíre clear on this. Oh sure, I know what youíre
thinking: that is the shittiest bloody ax Iíve ever seen. Hey, itís
probably just a little worn from all that chopping. I mean, just look at
how much blood is on it! Wowie!!
In order to
become a larger bloody ax, you have to grab a clean, well-maintained ax.
Oh, the irony. Still, itís worth it to go against the gameís title and
credo. Just look at the result:
shake it baby! Itís a larger, crappier looking ax, but on the other hand,
it does have two heads. Of course, the two heads are vibrating as though
it were some kind of electric ax, but thereís still two of Ďem. Thatís got
to count for something.
though, this is just disappointing. The ultimate incarnation of the bloody
axe is just a crummy mother-of-pearl ax that shoots smaller, CLEAN axes.
What a gyp. A couple red pixels. Thatís all Iím asking for when my big ax
throws a bunch of little axes. Is that really so much to ask?
Moreover, look at what you have to pick up to get to that huge let-down:
hell? A flashing orange? What does that have to do with anything? Nothing,
look at these mutants. The one on the left still looks enough like a
Goomba, but the thing on the rightÖ that was supposed to be a Koopa Troopa.
Now, itís some kind of walking bicycle pump. Well, thank god the author
gave up after only two revisions.
Ugh, what a stinker. Itíll be hard to top that one. Letís take a look at
our final hack: Bloody Kong.
him alright. Note how badly his gums are bleeding. And those bloodshot
eyesÖ that monkey has a drug problem.
Take a good
look, folks. This is the rest of the hack: A slightly bloodier ape, and
the hero wearing a special suit. No bloody insects, no blood-spraying gun,
no nuthiní. Well, less work for me, I guess. Such a waste.
Boy, that sure was bloody! What a great way to get an early start on
Halloween. Iíd like to personally thank the rom hack authors out there for
putting forth the minimum amount of effort, and turning out these four shitpiles. Next Halloween, Iíll bring you all the many Castlevania hacks
that have made the game both hideous to behold, and utterly unplayable.
Until then, have a spooky Halloween, and remember: when dressed as a
ghost, say ďbooĒ with enthusiasm. Boo like youíve just spotted a rom
hacker on the street. And then disembowel that same person. On principle,
You too can play all four of the games featured in Bloody Hackfest!
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE BLOODY CITY ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE BLOODY DAGGER BROS. ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE BLOODY AXE BROS. FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE BLOODY KONG ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO
DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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