In my more recent rom hack reviews, Iíve often spoken of the aberrant lack
of the meat and potatoes of rom hacking: sex. Sure, once and a while, I
like to get away from that sort of thing and look at a rom hack that
showcases drugs and alcohol, or perhaps one that features the ham-fisted
inclusion of another well-known character, but there comes a time when a
man must go back to his roots, and for me, that means going to find a rom
hack with enough bizarre anatomical anomalies so as to make me ashamed to
even possess a penis of my own. To that end, I present to you, my audience
and die-hard cadre of superfans, Cum Fu.
Not that youíd know its name from the title screen.
As you can
see, it is a hack of the martial arts masterpiece, Kung Fu. A game that
dared to reinvent the notion of one man going to rescue his girlfriend
from an army of bland, uninspired bad guys. And acrobatic midgets.
Now upon seeing this shot of the title screen, some of you may be confused
as to what those hideous, H.R. Giger-esque monsters to the side of the
menu are. All in due time, my children. All in due timeÖ
For now, take a look at the brand new Thomas:
He looks excited to be here. That makes one of us.
Still, it is
important to note that he is not entirely nude in this case. While it is
hard to make it out on his featureless birthday suit, he has a
square-shaped patch of his original outfit glued on under his arm. Check
has the waist portion of his clothes hidden beneath his rippling,
No, you know what? Forget it. Enough of me trying to make a million and
one jokes about how crappy a job this particular rom hack punk has done.
Bottom line: keep that hero and his gnarled member away from me. Letís
just move on to the foes youíll face in Cum Fu:
itís the classic running guy. No flash, no pizzazz, just one man throwing
his hands up and running right at you. Only this time, heís nekkid. Also,
he has no mouth, and he must scream. What really bugged me about this guy
is that he has a pair of tiny man-boobies. I swear! Donít look at me like
Iíve lost my mind from doing nothing but playing Nintendo and eating taffy
all day long! Look at it, damnit! LOOK!!!
What can I
say about good Ďol Knife-Throwing Guy? Heís nude also, and he throws
penises at you. Isnít that saying enough? No? Well then take a look at his
giant, circular hand. Maybe heís just mad at Thomas because he messed up
his hands and stole his uniform. Until now, I wouldnít have thought that
one could be an effective knife-thrower with puffy, broken hands (or with
oneís deformed Johnson exposed), but now I have my answer: you canít.
is not a naked midget one of the weirder things ever shown to you in a rom
hack? At the very least, surely you all must admit that his neon green
nipples are a remarkable sight in and of themselves. If not, then take a
look at this shot of them reenacting a scene from one of my favorite
movies, Cumming Up Short:
Yeah. Iíll bet your corneas are on fire now!
For the sake
of continuity, I bring you the crappy version of the pot-delivered snake.
Move along, people. Nothing to see here. Just one rom hacker running out
of creative ways to render the male genitalia.
real story of Cum Fu. Either the author wanted to make a ten-foot,
fire-breathing earthworm with red skin, or that is the largest and most
grotesque rom hack penis that I have ever seen. Iím guessing itís the
latter. In that case, let us celebrate this monumental discovery by never
ever playing this rom hack ever, again. Ever.
Anyway, like that crappy snake, the giant penis monster bursts out of a
pot. Thereís a joke in there somewhere, possibly about using my penis to
burst your sweet honey pot, but I think weíve all matured beyond that sort
of puerile, second-rate, schoolyard humor. Iíll just leave well enough
parade of freak-grade penises continues. The pulsating black penis floats
about your head, promising certain doom and, perhaps, a bit of
titillation? Not bloody likely. Though slightly more irritating than those
damned butterflies, the majestic flying penis is still no real threat,
although I can still see them when I close my eyes. Flying penises.
That brings us to the pitiful remakes of the puny Kung Fu bosses.
are two major differences that separate this guy from the old
stick-wielding thug from Kung Fu, and no, one of those differences isnít
that this guy is bare ass naked. Upon closer examination, youíll see that
this guy isnít even holding his stick. Heís levitating it in his palm! My
god, telekinesis! Heís more powerful than I ever imagined!!! Also, he has
no nipples, but how can that be compared to such an amazing display of
Those of you
who have played Kung Fu may mark the boomerang guy as one of the least
effective bosses of the entire game. Indeed, that holds somewhat true
here. However, whereas he may not be the strongest, most efficient
fighter, his penis is nearly twice the size of everyone elseís. Even dear
old Thomas is dwarfed by the boomerang manís mammoth member. What better
reason is there for Thomas to beat the poor man to death?
despicable hack, dealing with the big black guy would have been a simple
matter of crouching and giving his crotch the olí "Machine Gun Knuckle".
Now thoughÖ I just donít know. Maybe Iím just crazy for not wanting to put
my bare hands anywhere near such an exposed area. Maybe I just think itís
cruel to batter the poor bastardís private (formerly private, at least)
parts. Somebody get this man an ice pack and a flask of whiskey.
another naked midget, paraded out for your amusement. Given, thereís not
much to really separate this naked boss from the last three naked bosses,
but he does shoot strange green coffee cans at you, instead of his usual
fireballs. Thatís gotta be worth something, right?
There he is.
The man responsible for kidnapping Thomasí beloved. Totally nude. Except
for that coat that magically appears on him when heís ready to fight.
Sorry folks, no climactic battle to be found here. Just two naked doofuses
(I suppose ďdufiĒ would be the correct terminology) hammering away at each
other in a way that it is my pleasure not to bring you.
And that does it for this disrobed donnybrook. I feel like I should wash
my eyes and dunk my hands in boiling water. Or perhaps vice versa. Once
again, I find myself wishing that I knew the identity of the rom hacker
responsible for this travesty. Perhaps his own hideously disfigured penis
provided the inspiration needed to spew out this god-awful eyesore filled
with neon midget nipples, flying penises, and horrific mutant penises that
shoot flaming loads at you. Whatever the case, I wish the author only pain
and suffering. Hopefully, he is getting his crotch pummeled just like that
poor, poor, black guy.
you with these last images of Thomas ďrescuingĒ his girlfriend after the
You too can play Cum-Fu!
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE CUM-FU ROM FOR THE NES!]
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