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Hacked Rom Reviews!

Cum Fu!
-a rom hack of "Kung Fu" for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie


In my more recent rom hack reviews, Iíve often spoken of the aberrant lack of the meat and potatoes of rom hacking: sex. Sure, once and a while, I like to get away from that sort of thing and look at a rom hack that showcases drugs and alcohol, or perhaps one that features the ham-fisted inclusion of another well-known character, but there comes a time when a man must go back to his roots, and for me, that means going to find a rom hack with enough bizarre anatomical anomalies so as to make me ashamed to even possess a penis of my own. To that end, I present to you, my audience and die-hard cadre of superfans, Cum Fu.

Turn back now. You have been warned.
Not that youíd know its name from the title screen.

As you can see, it is a hack of the martial arts masterpiece, Kung Fu. A game that dared to reinvent the notion of one man going to rescue his girlfriend from an army of bland, uninspired bad guys. And acrobatic midgets.

Now upon seeing this shot of the title screen, some of you may be confused as to what those hideous, H.R. Giger-esque monsters to the side of the menu are. All in due time, my children. All in due timeÖ

For now, take a look at the brand new Thomas:

He's the hero.  I swear.
He looks excited to be here. That makes one of us.

Still, it is important to note that he is not entirely nude in this case. While it is hard to make it out on his featureless birthday suit, he has a square-shaped patch of his original outfit glued on under his arm. Check it out:

It's a good luck charm.

He even has the waist portion of his clothes hidden beneath his rippling, undefined abs.

Behold the flying belt punch!

Plus, heÖ No, you know what? Forget it. Enough of me trying to make a million and one jokes about how crappy a job this particular rom hack punk has done. Bottom line: keep that hero and his gnarled member away from me. Letís just move on to the foes youíll face in Cum Fu:

Scariest conga line ever.

First up, itís the classic running guy. No flash, no pizzazz, just one man throwing his hands up and running right at you. Only this time, heís nekkid. Also, he has no mouth, and he must scream. What really bugged me about this guy is that he has a pair of tiny man-boobies. I swear! Donít look at me like Iíve lost my mind from doing nothing but playing Nintendo and eating taffy all day long! Look at it, damnit! LOOK!!!

Dodge this. No, seriously.

What can I say about good Ďol Knife-Throwing Guy? Heís nude also, and he throws penises at you. Isnít that saying enough? No? Well then take a look at his giant, circular hand. Maybe heís just mad at Thomas because he messed up his hands and stole his uniform. Until now, I wouldnít have thought that one could be an effective knife-thrower with puffy, broken hands (or with oneís deformed Johnson exposed), but now I have my answer: you canít.

Cute and disturbing. Mostly disturbing.

Well folks, is not a naked midget one of the weirder things ever shown to you in a rom hack? At the very least, surely you all must admit that his neon green nipples are a remarkable sight in and of themselves. If not, then take a look at this shot of them reenacting a scene from one of my favorite movies, Cumming Up Short:

Dear god, no!!!
Yeah. Iíll bet your corneas are on fire now!

Somebody please kill me!

For the sake of continuity, I bring you the crappy version of the pot-delivered snake. Move along, people. Nothing to see here. Just one rom hacker running out of creative ways to render the male genitalia.

It will haunt my dreams forever.

Hereís the real story of Cum Fu. Either the author wanted to make a ten-foot, fire-breathing earthworm with red skin, or that is the largest and most grotesque rom hack penis that I have ever seen. Iím guessing itís the latter. In that case, let us celebrate this monumental discovery by never ever playing this rom hack ever, again. Ever.

Anyway, like that crappy snake, the giant penis monster bursts out of a pot. Thereís a joke in there somewhere, possibly about using my penis to burst your sweet honey pot, but I think weíve all matured beyond that sort of puerile, second-rate, schoolyard humor. Iíll just leave well enough alone.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a talliwacker.

And the parade of freak-grade penises continues. The pulsating black penis floats about your head, promising certain doom and, perhaps, a bit of titillation? Not bloody likely. Though slightly more irritating than those damned butterflies, the majestic flying penis is still no real threat, although I can still see them when I close my eyes. Flying penises. Everywhere!!!

That brings us to the pitiful remakes of the puny Kung Fu bosses.

Your mind is an open book to me!

Now, there are two major differences that separate this guy from the old stick-wielding thug from Kung Fu, and no, one of those differences isnít that this guy is bare ass naked. Upon closer examination, youíll see that this guy isnít even holding his stick. Heís levitating it in his palm! My god, telekinesis! Heís more powerful than I ever imagined!!! Also, he has no nipples, but how can that be compared to such an amazing display of psychic talent?

You win the battle, but he wins the war.

Those of you who have played Kung Fu may mark the boomerang guy as one of the least effective bosses of the entire game. Indeed, that holds somewhat true here. However, whereas he may not be the strongest, most efficient fighter, his penis is nearly twice the size of everyone elseís. Even dear old Thomas is dwarfed by the boomerang manís mammoth member. What better reason is there for Thomas to beat the poor man to death?

Aaaahh! Stand up! Stand up!!!

Before this despicable hack, dealing with the big black guy would have been a simple matter of crouching and giving his crotch the olí "Machine Gun Knuckle". Now thoughÖ I just donít know. Maybe Iím just crazy for not wanting to put my bare hands anywhere near such an exposed area. Maybe I just think itís cruel to batter the poor bastardís private (formerly private, at least) parts. Somebody get this man an ice pack and a flask of whiskey.

A hero to midgets everywhere.

Hereís yet another naked midget, paraded out for your amusement. Given, thereís not much to really separate this naked boss from the last three naked bosses, but he does shoot strange green coffee cans at you, instead of his usual fireballs. Thatís gotta be worth something, right?

Wrong.

Oooh, scary!

There he is. The man responsible for kidnapping Thomasí beloved. Totally nude. Except for that coat that magically appears on him when heís ready to fight. Sorry folks, no climactic battle to be found here. Just two naked doofuses (I suppose ďdufiĒ would be the correct terminology) hammering away at each other in a way that it is my pleasure not to bring you.

And that does it for this disrobed donnybrook. I feel like I should wash my eyes and dunk my hands in boiling water. Or perhaps vice versa. Once again, I find myself wishing that I knew the identity of the rom hacker responsible for this travesty. Perhaps his own hideously disfigured penis provided the inspiration needed to spew out this god-awful eyesore filled with neon midget nipples, flying penises, and horrific mutant penises that shoot flaming loads at you. Whatever the case, I wish the author only pain and suffering. Hopefully, he is getting his crotch pummeled just like that poor, poor, black guy.

I leave you with these last images of Thomas ďrescuingĒ his girlfriend after the fact. Enjoy.

Yes, that's what you've been fighting for.

Aw, isn't that the exact opposite of sweet?
awww.

Look! He's got three legs!!!
Dr. Boogie


You too can play Cum-Fu!

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE CUM-FU ROM FOR THE NES!]

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]


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