I have to admit, I have been humbled today. I once thought I knew
everything there is to know about lesbians. I was just like everybody
else, totally confident that I was "in the know" when it came to lesbians.
I always thought all lesbians were blondes filled with silicone that
craved nothing but other blondes filled with silicone who demanded that
their deviant sexual acts be filmed for other lesbians to watch. Made
perfect sense to me. But I was wrong. It turns out, LESBIANS PLAY
"It's true! I admit it! It's all true! We play tennis!"
WTF Ellen? I
watched your damned stand-up routine and you mentioned NOTHING about this. I
mean, we all know that Martina Navratilova was a lesbian who played tennis, but we didn't
know that there was a sport called "LESBIAN TENNIS"! How are all of
us non-lesbians supposed to see things from your point of view when you
won't tell us the truth up-front? Ok, ok... I understand. You lesbians
didn't want to "come out of the closet" about the taboo subject of Lesbian
Tennis. In a world where people judge you for so many things, I guess I
can understand why you would be hesitant to share your lesbian sports
activity knowledge with us. But you have to FIGHT! Don't let the
judgmental assholes hold you down! Fight for your rights to play Lesbian
Tennis freely! This sounds like a wonderful sport that deserves more
exposure. So let's take a look at the NES Rom Hack entitled, yep...
Uh, where is
the "Lesbian" in the title? Is this how some of you lesbians hid the game
from us? By not putting the word "Lesbian" in the title? Come now,
show-off your lesbianism proudly ladies! The title screen should be
bursting with lesbian goodness in all shapes and forms. And whatever
lesbian hacked this NES rom didn't even sign her name to it. Such a shame,
now we don't know who to give the credit to for this brilliant work of art.
Oh well, onto the game itself. I'll start out with a singles match first,
because I don't think I'm lesbian enough for a doubles match yet... YET.
I was NOT expecting this from you lesbians! You're not shy at all!
SOME OF YOU PLAY TENNIS COMPLETELY NAKED!
really don't know many sports players, lesbian or not, that would play
completely naked. That really takes some balls (no pun intended). And
whoah, this lesbian isn't blond either! So not all lesbians are
silicone-stuffed blonde-bimbo sex freaks? Jesus, I was so ignorant! One
question though: I'm not too sure why this lesbian has nipples that are
the exact same color as her pubic hairs, so maybe somebody can clear that
up for me. Maybe lesbians have hairy nipples? I don't know. I wish I was a
lesbian so I could figure out these things easier. :(
question is why is only one of the lesbians naked? I'm not familiar with
the rules of Lesbian Tennis. Is the nudity optional? Maybe it's like in
high school gym class where they would make one team take off their shirts
so they could distinguish who was on what team. But that wouldn't really
make sense here since there are only 2 players. Maybe the "going naked" is
a distraction tactic. I mean, if you were playing against someone who was
completely nude, you couldn't help but be distracted by all of their
jigglyness. If it's not that, maybe this other lesbian is just too shy to
go naked and/or hasn't come out of the closet yet. We may never know.
else I noticed was that Lesbian Tennis DOES apparently have some TV
support. In the top left corner of the court, you can see the sign that
says "LesbianTV 69". Leave it up to those crazy lesbians to choose a
number like "69" for their TV station. Ha ha! Those crazy lesbians! Ok, so
I just turned my TV to channel 69 and all I got was static. Ok, this is
something I WILL NOT tolerate. I pay how much for cable every month, and
you mean to tell me I don't get LesbianTV channel 69!? I DON'T THINK SO!
I'm going to call my local cable provider and demand I get LesbianTV
channel 69 immediately.
Ok, the next
interesting thing about Lesbian Tennis has gotta be the ref in the high
chair. Normally, in the sport of tennis, the ref just gets to say boring
things like "40 love". But not in Lesbian Tennis!
right. Practically every other word that comes out of the ref's mouth is
"Bitch"! If you hit the ball inside the court and score, it's IN BITCH!
If your ball goes out of bounds, it's OUT U BITCH! If you hit the
net when you try to serve the ball, it's FUCKING BITCH! Tennis was
NEVER this interesting before.
If you hit
the net twice in a row during your serve attempts, the ref really lets you
have it for screwing up. As if the loss of points wasn't bad enough you
get to have "DOUBLE FUCKING BITCH!" shouted at you. Man, this is
some HARDCORE LESBIAN TENNIS we've got going here!
Ok, now I'm
completely baffled. Sometimes when miss a hit, the ref will shout "bi1EBitch"
at you. I don't know if this is because the ref is so flustered (or turned
on?) that he/she can't speak properly or not. Maybe it's some sort of
"secret lesbian society" code that only they can decipher with their
secret lesbian decoder rings? I... just... don't... know.
Ok, I have
to admit, this is the part in the game where I was let down. After I got
used to being called a bitch constantly, I developed a NEED to be called
"bitch". So when the score was tied at 40 and the ref simply shouted
"Deuce", I felt like there was a huge void in my life. I sat there waiting
for the ref to go, "Oh yeah, I almost forgot... BITCH!". But the "bitch"
never came! Why couldn't the ref call me a bitch? Or call me and my
opponent "bitches"? There are so many wonderful bitch combinations that
the ref could have used when shouting "Deuce". For example: "DEUCE
BITCH!" or "BITCH DEUCE!" or "DEUCE BITCH DEUCE!" "BITCHARIFIC
DEUCE DYKE BITCHY BITCHY POO CRAPS!". Anything would have been better!
Come on ref! You gotta give us better than that! We CRAVE the "BITCH!". We
NEED the "BITCH!". Don't let us down! You must give it to us now!
Bah. I guess
the ref's not gonna comply. Well anyway, I won the match by defeating my
clothed lesbian opponent. No lesbian trophy? No "You're the best lesbian
tennis player on earth!"? No "hot lesbian sex"? Nope, all I got was "GAME
SET. YOU WON!". Cheap, very cheap. Hmm, I think I'm now well-versed enough
in the ways of Lesbian Tennis to take a shot at a doubles match. Whaddaya
I've got another naked lesbian on my team. Now with two naked lesbians on
one team, do you really think they're going to waste their time playing
tennis? No. Well, actually that's not all true. They did make some good
use of the tennis racquets I suppose. See for yourself.
I tell ya,
we owe a lot to lesbians. They really took tennis to a new level.
And to anybody that says lesbians shouldn't be allowed to play tennis,
I've got a message for you:
want to live in a country where lesbians can't play tennis!
can play Lesbian Tennis!
HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE LESBIAN TENNIS ROM FOR THE NES!]
HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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