One of my favorite games ever was Mike Tyson's Punch-Out for the NES.
Sure, it probably had more racial stereotypes in a single game than any
other game on earth, but it was still a lot of fun to play. Even if you
hate more sports games, you couldn't help but enjoy the countless hours of
fun that Punch-Out provided. So when I came
across a rom hack called "Nude Punch-Out", you can imagine the look of
horror that swept over my face. I mean, what sick bastard was sitting at
home one day and thought to himself, "You know, Punch-Out is a good
game... but if it had more penises then it'd be a GREAT game!".
sick bastard is apparently a rom hacker that goes by the name "ExDeath".
So if you're reading this, ExDeath, seek help. Seek lots, and lots, and
lots of help. So, title screen hasn't been changed that much... no penises
so far, so that's good. But the horror is right around the corner folks.
Now, before we begin the in-depth analysis of Nude-Punchout, I have to warn you people. What you're about to see
may very well ruin the game of Punch-Out for you FOREVER. After you see
what I'm about to show you, you'll never be able to look at the
game in the same way, whether you're playing this rom hack or not. Sounds
fun right? Ok, brace yourselves. Let's begin our game, starting with good
ol' Glass Joe...
Noooooooo! You can't be serious. I have to fight THIS? Glass Joe was the
easiest person to kill in the game, but he might have the upper hand here.
Little Mac's legs are already feeling weak I'm sure. At least Little Mac,
your character, isn't naked. Still, Glass Joe looks like he's pretty turned
on there... his penis is sticking straight out and it's ready for battle!
God, this is worse than any other nightmare I've ever had. Well, if I've gotta fight Glass Joe and his
evil erect penis, so be it.
When I tried
to punch him in the groin, he was naturally very quick to block it. I
mean, if you were fighting completely naked, I'm sure that's the one area
you'd be DAMNED SURE to protect. Notice the nice job this rom hacker did
though? Glass Joe's original boxing trunks partially reappear when you
punch him down there. Brilliant work there, ExDeath. Brilliant.
out for the count! Hey wait a minute, what the HELL is wrong with his
ass!? It's like it's not there. It's just a mass of flesh with no crack in
sight. Not that I want to see the crack or the ass, or any nudity in this
game for that matter. But still, an assless naked freak is too much for me
to handle. And the sad thing is, this assless trend goes on throughout the
game. Apparently ExDeath is able to draw 8-bit penises without any
hesitation, but when it comes to drawing asses, he can't quite cut it.
Makes sense to me. Ok onto our next opponent, Von Kaiser.
Naked. Great. Well, his penis doesn't look quite as erect as Glass Joe's,
but maybe he needs a few punches in the ol' willy to get turned on. Maybe
naked fisticuffs is his thing, right? Well, I
suppose anything is this already-insane game is worth a try...
Oh my god,
it's true! Look at him! Von Kaiser loves it when Little Mac reaches for
his penis! Sick!
once again, ExDeath excels in the art of pixel editing by completely
forgetting to remove Von Kaiser's pants when he throws a punch. Not that
I'm complaining about not getting to see every angle of his German
nakedness or anything. Just stating the facts. Alright, now it's time to
fight Piston Honda.
Piston Honda's piston isn't too happy. He must not be gettin' any lately.
Well, maybe if ExDeath had removed that last little big of his boxing
trunks from his leg, Piston might feel better. Looks like he has some
public hair stubble there too, should've done a better shaving job there
bub. All that aside, nothing, and I mean NOTHING could prepare me for the
HE HAS ONLY
ONE BALL! I knocked his ass on the ground and as his penis became erect I
noticed that our pal Piston Honda only has ONE FRIGGIN' BALL! NOT TWO
BALLS. ONE HUGE BALL! Ok, that does it. Nude Punch-Out is now officially a
freak show. But it still gets worse! We have to fight the infamous Don Flamenco!
Of all the
twisted things I've seen during my life, perhaps none have been more
disturbing than witnessing Don Flamenco's infamous "Flamenco Dance"
performed completely naked. You can't tear your eyes away from the penis
as he dances up a storm. It moves in. It moves out. It... it... eugh. Kill
As you can
see, the Flamenco Dance really distracted me and it ended up making my
bout with Don Flamenco go into extra rounds. He poked Little Mac in the
eye with his penis for crissakes! I guess that's what really sucks about
being Little Mac in this game. Since he's the shortest fighter of them
all, he has to fight at eye-level with the penises of all his opponents.
So we've all learned an important lesson here today: Do not enter the
sport of nude boxing if you are a midget.
worry though, I hit Don Flamenco where it counts for all his naked
we have to fight a naked King Hippo. It's almost as if he's proud to be
completely naked as he shouts at you. You may recall that you had to punch
his belly in the game and he would be defenseless cuz he kept pulling up
his pants. Well in Nude Punch-Out, he's already naked. However, that doesn't
stop his pants from magically reappearing every time you punch him.
ExDeath spared us from what would undoubtedly be an extremely traumatizing
crotch-shot of King Hippo. Once knocked down, he left Hippo's shorts on, and for that I am
thankful. But for my next opponent, Bald Bull, I am not thankful. Not one
Bull was always the most disturbing looking fighter in the game in my
opinion. His face just didn't look right. He literally looked crazy. But
now perhaps I know why. Look at his crotch (ignoring how ExDeath didn't
completely remove this guy's shorts once again)...He's a SHE-MALE!
folks, Bald Bull has no winky. No schlong. No salami. No mr. peepers. Just
a big mangina, and it's ready to make Little Mac beg for mercy. Believe me,
I made sure that I beat this guy as fast as humanly possible, because I
just couldn't take anymore of this freakishness. Still have your lunch
inside you? Don't worry, there's plenty more hideousness to see...
knocking Bald Bull down each time resulted in my having to see a huge mass of
horrifying blubbery asslessness. And that alone was just about enough to
make me stop playing video games forever. Yet, somehow, I was able to
reach down deep inside and push forward onto my next opponents.
fighting some other characters I had fought earlier on again in some naked
rematches, the Great Tiger was next. Why his lower half is glowing blue is beyond
me. Maybe it's supposed to put your mind into a spell, after all, he is an
Indian hypnotist. "You're getting sleeeeepy, Little Mac. Look deeeeeeep
into my penis!" I bet he wants to hypnotize poor Little Mac and make
him do all sorts of twisted sex acts with him. Well, I avoided his naked
"tiger punch" and penile hypnotism and pressed forth.
Somebody has a little respect for themselves. Apparently Soda Popinski
refused to do a nude scene for ExDeath. And that's a good thing too,
because Popinski's drunken insults were always a favorite of mine (ex: "I'm
going to make you Punch Drunk!"). And he
was the first to unveil the shocking truth about how Little Mac and Doc
had something sick going on behind the scenes. You can read all about that in my
interview with Soda Popinski. So hats off to you Popinski, at
least one Punch-Out fighter won't be forever engraved in my mind as a
naked madman with gloves. Now onto Mr. Sandman.
didn't I see this coming. I knew he had the same body as Bald Bull, so why
would it be any surprise that Mr. Sandman would have a mangina too!? It
shouldn't be surprising at all by this point in the game. Then again,
after having fought so many naked boxers already, I think my mind has
suffered quite a bit, so it's safe to assume that I'm a bit out of my
realm right now. Let's just keep going...
I would say
that Super Macho Man has respect for himself, since he doesn't appear
naked. But the fact that he has hyper man-boobs, which shake so fast they
could power a locomotive, is already way more than we ever needed to know
about this guy. So knowing what horrors lurk underneath his blue speedo is
something I'll leave up to your twisted imagination. I'm just trying to
get those madly vibrating giant man-boobs out of my mind. And perhaps my
next and final opponent can help me do that.
It's time to
fight the big guy. The king of the ring. Mike Tyson. He actually has the
same body as Piston Honda, and the same little bit of his boxing trunks
still appearing on his leg. Say, maybe that explains why Piston Honda only
has one ball! Maybe Mike Tyson bit it off! Sure, he's bit Evander's ear
off in the past. But what's to stop him from trying other various body
parts on the menu? AH HA! THE TRUTH FINALLY COMES OUT! MIKE TYSON IS A
NUTSACK-EATING, NUDE-BOXING PSYCHOPATH.
In the end,
Tyson kicked my puny clothed-ass from here to kingdom come. And you know what?
I don't care. I'm not going to fight him in a rematch. I don't want to
know what Little Mac's prize for becoming the champion of Nude Punch-Out
would be. For all I know, it's a mind-shattering orgy with all of the
fighters from Nude Punch-Out. Hell, maybe even Mario the ref gets in on
the action. So wink away at me Mike. Wink all you want. I'm not getting
back in that ring with your naked ass or anybody else for that matter. And
Little Mac, if you're listening. Run... RUN... RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL
can play Nude Punch-Out!
HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NUDE PUNCH-OUT ROM FOR THE NES!]
HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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