This is my first ROM hack review, and if the research process taught me anything it was respect for the other staffers here at I-Mock. Never in my life have I seen more waste of whatever the opposite of talent is called. Not only are most ROM hacks shit by nature, they're also shit of the same colon. In fact, most hacks are so similar in form and content that I'm convinced there is a ROM hack cult out there, and before I start this review I want to present what I believe is this cult's ten commandments. If you never hear from me again, it's because I got too close to the truth.
1: Thou shalt not bother looking further than SMB1.
2: Thou shalt lose interest when thou getst to the Starman at the middle of level 1. Thou shalt still upload the file to the net.
3: Thou shalt write 'BLOOD', 'FUCK' or 'SPERM' in the clouds, spawning the new words 'BLOOBLOOBLOOD', 'FUCIFUCIFUCK' or 'SPERSPERSPERM' when three clouds are lined up beside each other.
4: Thou shalt alter the alphabet sprites so Mario's name is replaced with 'Fuckr' and 'Level' is replaced with 'Shitt', rendering the rest of the game's text unreadable.
5: Thou shalt make it impossible to understand what anything is supposed to look like.
6: Thou shalt not alter the 'turn' sprite.
7: Thou shalt write stuff in sprites, so that when they are reversed they make no sense.
8: Thou shalt promote the OS of your choice whenever thou hast the chance. Everyone loves a man of devotion.
9: Thou shalt include swastikas, pentagrams, cannabis leaves and the number 69 in the tilework.
10: Thou shalt give Mario a fro, a joint and a penis capable of smiting Ron Jeremy.
I never knew how much half-assed crap was out there before -RoG- opened my eyes, and now I can't close them. Over the last few days, I have played through various mutations of the first level in Super Mario Bros so many times I swear I could do it blindfolded, a feat that has been beyond me since the age of nine. Luckily, there are some infidels out there who disobey the Law of the Lord, so I don't have to base this review on seven penisified sprites and a score counter by the name of 'COCKS'. Well, I'm stuck with the penii, but at least they're not Goombas this time around.
Adventure Island never was one of my favorites. The concept of constant fruit consumption just to stay alive and still be killed by one passive hit from a snail always rattled my cage more than it rocked my boat. I will admit I was blown away by the SNES version, but that was just because the only other game I had seen in action on the 16-bit wonder at the time was Super Mario World. While SMW is vastly superior, the sheer size and colorfulness of Super Adventure Island's levels and bosses knocked my socks off. This was of course in the days before I got A Link to the Past and Super Metroid and concluded that this was as good as anything would get forever and ever and didn't bother playing anything else for years.
Alright, now I know how to start this review. Enough with the stalling, let's take a cruise... to Porno Island.
We'll start with the main character. I don't know what he was called in the original game, and I have no idea what he's called here, so I'll keep things simple and call him Porn Guy. Since this is Porno Island, Porn Guy isn't wearing pants, and from the
eerie green shimmer his penis radiates, I'm going to assume the local porn industry's sanitation standards aren't those of its mainland competition. Being infected by fluorescent cock fungus, Porn Guy appears to be banished from all porn studios on the island and has to wander the Jungle of Banishment alone. Either that, or he's the only porn star on the island. Or maybe they're all kidnapped. Storyline was never NES platformers' strong side, and the hacked versions of the games don't exactly lend the originals a Shakespearian air. Anyway, his penis is green. Also, when he skates, his penis crawls up between his nipples.
Many of the fruits on Porno Island have evolved to survive in this pornocentric environment, so they look like asses and male genitalia. Even the clouds are affected by the sheer pornness of Porno Island.
At first, I thought the bonus in the left picture above was supposed to be a pair of khakis, so I of course tried to grab them, put them on and pull them up to under my armpits to conceal my chest penis. On closer inspection I noticed the letters 'TIT' written across the top, and was mildly relieved in the
midst of my disappointment. At last a piece of female anatomy. I would later be served a platter of PUS SY, but since the hacker had never actually seen a vagina, I had to settle for a text-based love flower. Beggars can't be choosers, I guess.
The 'pot qot' bonus is not porn-related, but all ROM hackers that don't do a drug reference are hunted down by a paladin of the Church of ROM Hacks and ritually castrated.
The enemies on Porno Island are also affected by their milieu. The bra cobra lures its prey, the indigenous hammock squirrel, into believing its chest is covered by a C-cup brassiere. When the squirrels try to unhook the strap and score themselves a nest, they are immediately
caught and devoured. The "fuck me" snail just wants to be fucked. Since
each fuck me snail hatch consists of four thousand young, only five percent of the snails are ever needed to mate, and their sexual frustration has in cooperation with evolution made them extremely aggressive. They may look docile, but if you come in physical contact with them they'll rape you with such fury all the therapy in the world won't help you function socially again. Nature can be cruel, yet beautiful.
And finally, the pigs on Porno Island wear thongs and strapless bras. This has less to do with nature than it does with the local farmers. That's pretty much all the sprites altered in this hack, so I got nothing more.
To me, this hack doesn't seem to have many pornographic elements. All I can see is a naked guy running around collecting severed genitalia and asses while avoiding oversexed animals. I never played through the entire game, so for all I know there's a big orgy at the end, but I don't think that would make up for all the not-at-all-porn-but-rather-Frankenstein-and-bestiality-related elements that dominate the island. I'm sure there are a lot of furries out there who get their panties bunched by this game, but as far as I'm concerned, this isn't really porn at all. Sorry, Porno
Island, you're getting an F in my book.
editor's note: Big thanks go out to Drew from FARK for helping get this
latest rom hack week a lot of extra exposure.
You too can play Porno Island!
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE PORNO ISLAND ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO
DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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