There are countless hacks of Super Mario Bros. games out there. And why not? This trilogy probably makes up the greatest games ever created. So, when I was digging through the "S" section of a Rom download site and found the title "Satanic Freak Bros." I was very curious. Were Mario and Luigi transformed into fear-inducing demons? Were the otherwise lovely levels full of green pipes and brick patterns now
nightmarish dreamscapes littered with brimstone and blasphemy? Nothing of this sort. Instead, I found a game that just has a
Well... this is interesting. Mario has been appropriately renamed "Satan" and he is either smoking a joint, or he's chewing on a lump of poo. Considering the 'Freak' part of the title I really don't want to know. As you can see he is currently in "Abyss 1-1". Nietzsche said: "Look into the abyss and the abyss looks into you". Does that mean "Satan" can see us? Aaaagh!! Turn off the game before he tears your soul apart!!
Alright... OK, I'm good. It's just a game, right? Heh. Anyway, the "Time" text has been replaced with "Shit". So, as you make your way through the Abyss, your Shit runs out. Once again this makes me rethink my theory that Satan is smoking a joint, so let's move on before we get sick.
And there we go! Satan lights up his first Blunt as he storms into Abyss 1, ready to teach kids everywhere that smoking weed and calling yourself Satan is massively hip. Careful that you don't run out of Shit! But wait, by now you're surely curious what transformations Mario's faithful brother in plumbing, Luigi, has undergone? Well, we'll just select a 2-Fucker game and...
OK, never mind.
And it looks like it wasn't long before Satan's "Shit" ran out, because he's already leaping for a pack of weed. Call me crazy, but if that little rectangle resembles ANYTHING it's hash. It's not even green! Would it have been that hard to just create a little marijuana leaf? I'm sure the guy that created this has pictures of them hanging all over his room. Then again, I have my doubts that he's ever actually smoked anything. This guy just has a BAD ATTITUDE. So, what happens when Satan snags that weed?
THAT'S RIGHT! He turns into some kind of psycho disco freak! And he's mighty pissed off, cause his fro is flat! Who made Satan's fro flat? I'll tell you who! The evil playah-hatah king Bowser. Well, it's PAYBACK time Bowser. Nobody flattens Disco Satan's fro and gets away with it. Nobody. And thus, Satan's quest for revenge begins.
Just a little further, as I'm going around, stomping Goombas and minding my own business, something happens. I hit a block with some
inverted crosses on it... and a STAR pops out. That's right. I can't even begin to fathom the vile motives behind this 'bonus'. For one thing, it has eyes. A star with eyes. I think the bible warns for this kind of thing. Second, it has five points. Everyone knows a five-pointed star is the mark of Lucifer. And Satan is just leaping for it like a faithful little devil worshipper! I'll say one thing: BAD ATTITUDE. But wait, it gets worse...
Observe. Our friend "Satan" grasps this flag with another of those unavoidable
inverted crosses, a famous satanic symbol. And the game rewards him for this with points. In fact, the closer he gets to the flag, the higher amount of points he receives. Utterly despicable.
As Satan hits a hidden block in the darkness of the underground, a SPECIAL pack of weed falls out. Don't let the fact that it's identical to the regular pack of weed fool you, this is grade-A stuff. In fact, when Satan takes a puff, he shouts: "HO, this be sum good weed ya'll." Unfortunately, there's only room for him to say "HO".
Poor Goombas and Koopas have seen their share of the mauling this game undertook. Goomba's eyes have been nixed for the sake of tattooing obscenities across his forehead. How cruel! All he can do now is stumble about blindly and hope his tattoo offends people! As for the Koopas, their pupils revert to
inverted crosses every other step. What IS this guy's obsession with
inverted crosses? They kinda lose their effect when you're staring at them all through the game. Or perhaps that is his evil scheme. It's all like that 'deprogramming' scene in A Clockwork Orange. Once you've played Satanic Freak Bros, you are a Satanic Freak!
Well, Satan's antics have me too aggravated for the moment, so let's go see what Luigi's up to. He has just spent a few nights at Castle Grayskull and after thanking He-Man kindly for his hospitality, leaves to crush that fro-flattening fiend, Bowser. But he's in a bad neighborhood now... Abyss 6, Blunt 3 to be exact.
That's right! Luigi's just minding his own business, chewing on green poo like a grown man should be able to do, when a cap nearly busts his ass. Bowser is getting serious now, he wants to kill Satan and Luigi! Well, no more. Time, I mean, Shit to tear him a new bodily orifice. The hunt is on...
In the meantime, Satan is still wasting his life with drugs. Such a BAD ATTITUDE he has. First he hits a block, causing it to sprout suspicious plantlife. Climbing these, he finds himself stranded in a forest of giant mushrooms. Can you believe that? I don't think I can. Enough, Satan! You came here with a purpose! Time to help Luigi and get your revenge!
You flattened the wrong fro, beeyatch.
Unfortunately, after all this time, Luigi succumbs to the seductive powers of hardcore sex and soft drugs. In the so-called "Warp Zone" (pah!) he faces a barrage of glass bongs just begging to be smoked. Subconciously influenced by the many
inverted crosses he has seen on his journey, he decides to stay a while and indulge himself in depravity. I guess it's up to Satan to crack this case!
It figures! Satan's BAD ATTITUDE has landed him right down in the pits of hell. Whips of fiery crosses stand ready to flog him for his free-thinking and the blood of sinners forms an ocean below. Hell yeah, now we're getting somewhere. But wait! What's that sound in the distance?
It's Bowser! The time of reckoning is at hand. He's going to pay for flattening Satan's fro. With a graceful hop Satan jumps on the axe which causes the bridge to retract (I never fully understood this part), leaving Bowser to plummet down into the ocean of blood. Take that, Bowser! Choke on the blood of the very souls you corrupted with your nefarious deeds! Die, die!
And as Satan makes his way out of the castle with his just vengeance served, some mutant mushroom hybrid cusses him out and whines about some princess. Who is this "Mario" you speak of, mushroom? I am SATAN. One thing that hugely bothered me is that the guy that hacked this Rom actually succeeded in making a spelling error in one of the few texts this game has. As you will remember, our mushroom friend would normally say "Thank you Mario!". Where did this guy get that G from? Or perhaps the mushroom is attempting to speak thug-style to impress Satan. In that case he probably meant to say "Fuck, G.! You the man!", but being a mutant, he horribly failed.
So what happens after this? Satan and the wannabe-thug mushroom go on loads of crazy adventures where they hunt after the elusive Golden Weedleaf, until Satan accidentally devours the mushroom one night after a frightening acid dream, and dies of blood loss clawing his own eyes out when the resulting hallucinations grow too intense.
Actually, the game locks up.
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