I’ve often said in the past that the average rom hacker is little more
than a simpering 12-year-old looking to “improve” upon old NES games by
filling them with drugs, cursing, and of course, the genitals. Perhaps the
very reason that they are prone to penile placement is that these things
are among the chief concerns in their underdeveloped minds. If that is the
case, then it should come as no surprise that there would be a hack or two
out there that deals with one of the most prominent edifices in the
adolescent mind: school.
The unfortunate victim of today’s hack is one Simon Belmont. A talking
farm animal named “chipgnn” took it upon himself to strip the game of its
original gothic feel and shellac it with a veneer of academia. The end
result is another bastardization of a classic game, called Schoolvania.
he was a medieval peasant, good ol’ Simon probably never went to school.
Maybe whip school, but I’m not counting technical institutes. In a way, by
playing this hack, you’ll be taking a look at what his school might’ve
looked like if he had had time for fancy book-learnin’. Yes, if you can
convince yourself of that, you might even be able to play this hack for
more than five minutes.
shot of Simon standing at the entrance of Transylvania University. And
what a proud day it was for young Simon, as he would soon be making new
friends among the living dead and other horrible creatures enrolled
therein. Unfortunately, the school was in dire need of renovation. The
all-zombie track team discovered that the hard way as they all went rank
and file into one of the hundreds of gaping holes found throughout the
have a shot of Simon admiring the school symbol and mascot of the football
team, the Transylvania University fighting hover panthers. Sadly, he never
made the team due to an ankle injury he got after he fell into one of the
school’s many holes. The administration really should have made more room
in the budget for building maintenance.
had a lovely view of the surrounding countryside. Among the more
spectacular sights are the Pillar Woods and a breathtaking view of Mount
“M.” Both are equal in majesty, but so, too, are they equal in the
astonishing number of dangerous holes strewn about them. Simon didn’t mind
this, though; he had plenty of practice avoiding the countless pits in
between his classes and his dorm.
Chem lab was
Simon’s least favorite class. He was never one for the sciences, and his
teacher, Mr. Red Skeleton, [insert rimshot sound] was constantly on him
about remembering to clean up the test tubes. Of course, that was just on
the few occasions that Simon could understand what he was saying through
that thick accent of his. Hard to believe that they would let someone
teach when they barely speak the language, Simon used to say.
Simon had no
love for the students in the Theater department. Their boisterous, garish
ways made him feel less secure about his own armored skirt and headband,
and so he took out his pent-up frustrations on whichever thespians crossed
Well, that was fun. I’d love to go on with this whole “Simon at school”
spiel and show the business college and office of the dean, but
unfortunately, I ran into some trouble. Literally:
chipgnn, in his infinite wisdom, decided to place some additional blocks
in such a way that you can’t finish the level. It was bad enough
that he fuglied up all the backgrounds and made virtually every platform
two blocks wide so that a single hit will almost always launch you into a
pit. I guess the wall that ultimately ends your quest is supposed to be
symbolic of the restrictive job market that awaits graduates. Or maybe
he’s just a fucking moron. Either way, I’m just glad that I didn’t have to
play this especially irritating hack anymore. I leave you with a yearbook
photo of Simon falling down one of the thousands of holes that the author
chose to insert into the game:
*** You too can play Schoolvania! ***
[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE SCHOOLVANIA ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK HERE TO
DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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