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Hacked Rom Reviews!

Ernie & The Muppets Take It All Off!
-a rom hack of "Sesame Street ABC" for the NES-
review by: -RoG-


NOTICE:

It seems that Sesame Street has more than one grouch. We recently received this letter from them. Considering we didn't create this rom hack and are instead simply REVIEWING it, they're way out of line. Furthermore, it's quite clear that this is a humor site and it is in no way affiliated with Sesame Street or any of the the characters that appear on the show. One thing's for sure though... Getting a letter like that from Sesame Street was like watching a part of my childhood die.

Thanks Sesame Street.


I've seen a lot of rom hacks in my time. Whether it's a simple graphic changed, or a completely revamped game, I usually enjoy checking them out. More recently, I'm starting to think that a prerequisite for newbie rom hackers is to create one that involves penis jokes of some sort. Either that or the majority of rom hack creators are just insane phallus-craving nymphos. I'll let you decide.

Come on! Sing-A-Long!

Like I said, I enjoy playing rom hacks, even though they may be the very definition of asininity at times. Well, all that enjoyment has changed with this latest and probably the sickest rom hack that I've discovered so far: Ernie & The Muppets Take It All Off (a rom hack of "Sesame Street ABC" created by some anonymous puppet-molesting freak). The title alone sent chills up my spine, but the game... dear god, the game is enough to to make me want to overdose on NyQuil until the pain goes away.

Let me be absolutely clear here. This game will take the fond memories you once had of the Sesame Street gang and quickly replace them with horrific perversions of those same characters that will leave you mentally scarred for life. Hell, my eye started to twitch as soon as I read the title of the game.

As you can see above, the title screen seems innocent enough. It even has a sing along with the classic "Sunny day sweepin' the clouds away..." theme song from Sesame Street. The game itself is actually divided into two separate sections: Letter-Go-Round and Ernie's Big Splash. Sounds like great educational fun for the kids right? Well let's just see about that...

Good, wholesome, educational fun?

Ah, now we have a nice little variety of games here in Letter-Go-Round. Matching upper and lower case letters, spelling games... sure, we're educated enough to not need to play games like these, but we should probably check to see if it's something worth having the kids play right? Actually, I receive a lot of emails on a daily basis, and judging by the grammatical skills of the chumps that send in hate mail, a simple spelling game like this might come in handy for them. Anyway, let's take a crack at it!

H-I-T. Yay! I can spell! :0

So you're at a carnival and the ferris wheel is filled with letters. Below it is a partially formed word. It's up to you to pick the right letter to go with that word. I chose the letter T to spell the word "HIT". Yes, I'm a certified fucking genius. Worship me. Actually, I did want to use the letter "G" to spell "HIG" instead, but apparently the Sesame Street assholes don't observe an acronym for "Hawaii Institute of Geophysics" (HIG) to be a real word. Bastards. Nonetheless, it's still a pretty nifty way to teach kids how to form words eh? Wait, wait right there buck-o. You haven't seen the "reward" you get for spelling a word correctly. Behold:

Uh, Bert?

After you spell a word correctly, a sesame street character comes up below to put a new letter up on the ferris wheel to replace the one you just removed from it. Hey wait a second, look at Bert!!!

NOOOOOOOOO! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

STOP THE PRESS! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?! WHY IS BERT NAKED AND JERKING OFF!?

You can try scratching your eyes out our pouring clorox bleach in them, but it still won't make the image disappear from your mind. You've just seen a childhood character that brought you many fond memories... completely naked and holding onto his fuzzy lil' chubby. We've all seen the infamous "Bert Is Evil" web site, but this game makes that site look like Hello Kitty in a river of sprinkles and glitter.

Oh man, IF ONLY I HAD ONE! >:0
Ironically, right after I saw Bert naked, the next word I got to spell was "GUN".
How fitting, since right after seeing Bert naked that's exactly what was on my mind.

MAKE THE MADNESS STOP! PLEASE GOD! PLEASE!

Yes, if it's not Bert popping up completely naked to deliver a new letter, it's his best friend Ernie. Makes perfect sense right? Well, this is just the beginning folks. If you spell 3 words or match 3 letters correctly in one game, you are treated to a "show". No, I'm not talking about a re-run of a Sesame Street episode. That would make too much sense. Instead, you get to see a bunch of freaks doing their patented "Naked Muppet Dance" at night in a carnival.

IT'S MUPPET NAKED DANCE TIME! WEEEEEEEEE!

Words cannot describe the shock of seeing Bert and the Cookie Monster run out of a circus tent and do a twisted naked dance in the middle of the night. What's worse, is after they are done with their sick display, they both scamper back into the tent to do god knows what. I don't even want to think about it. But to give you a hint, as soon as they go back into the tent, FIREWORKS BURST IN THE SKY.

Gee, I wonder what's going on with the naked freaks in the tent?
You do the math.

And it's not just Bert and the Cookie Monster that do a dance. Sometimes you'll get Ernie and the Cookie Monster too. I guess we're supposed to assume that the Cookie Monster really "gets around"? Well as if that's not bad enough, Big Bird comes out and does a naked dance of his own all by himself sometimes...

Snuffleupagus is real! REAL DEAD!

There is no horror like the horror of watching Big Bird do a dance with his "little bird" exposed.
Then again, he did Murder Snuffleupagus, so I don't know why I find this so surprising.

Educational fun for the kids? Uh no. Keep them the fuck away from this unless you're planning on raising a little monster that has a twisted sexual attraction to puppets. And call it a hunch, but if you want kids to learn how to spell, the chance of seeing Muppets completely naked might not be the best way to motivate them. If anything, they'll try their best NOT to spell properly. So again, do not use this game to teach your kids how to spell.

SAVE US BATMAN! SAVE US!

Also, I don't know why, but it looks like the "Bat Signal" is turned on in the background of the Letter-Go-Round game. Somebody apparently called Batman to come save the day. He's fought evil foes like the Joker and the Penguin and emerged victorious... but Naked Muppets? Well, rather than speak for him, I'll let him express his thoughts about coming to save people from a bunch of nude puppets:

YOU CAN ALL DIE A HORRIFIC, NAKED MUPPET DEATH FOR ALL I CARE.

"Ok, let me get this straight. I've saved you assholes from countless life-threatening villains, and now you want me to save you from this perverted creation that one of you came up with? Tell ya what...
Fuck You. You can kiss my batty ass. I'm retiring from crime fighting and I'm going to smash the Bat Signal into a thousand shards. You see, unlike Aquaman, I've actually got some self-respect. I'm not going to go fight a fucking naked Muppet. You can all kiss my ass and go straight to hell.
" -Batman

Great, now you've made Batman retire. Are you happy now Mr. Anonymous Rom Hacker? Asshole...

Rubber Ducky! Yay!

Once you're done with the mind-rot that is the "Letter-Go-Round" game, you have the option to play the 2nd game, "Ernie's Big Splash". The original premise behind this game was helping Ernie's rubber ducky its way back to Ernie in the bathtub. And from the menu screen here, you'd THINK (or at least HOPE) that the guy who hacked this rom got lazy and left this part of the game alone. Yeah... you'd think that, but you'd be wrong. Oh so horribly wrong.

Hey were's rubber ducky? :(

You can choose from any of the three games on the menu, but they're all the same game really. The higher the level you choose, the farther away Ernie starts from his rubber ducky. Oh wait, did I say "his rubber ducky"? I'm sorry, I meant, "HIS RUBBER DICKY!"

NO! BRING BACK RUBBER DUCKY! WE DON'T WANT RUBBER DICKY!
"Rubber Dicky, you're the one! You make bath time lots of fun!"

Yes folks, the unthinkable has been done. Rubber Ducky has been replaced by a rubber dildo. And what's worse, Ernie looks damned happy about it. Dare I tempt fate and try to get the dildo all the way back to Ernie? Or do I play it safe and try to ease the hemorrhaging in my head that this game has already caused by keeping the dildo as far away from Ernie as humanly possible? Well, I've already spent this much time writing this review, and for the sake of posterity I'll press forward. The things I do for you people sometimes, I swear.

Trust me, you really don't want to get the dildo to Ernie.

Ok, so the way to get the ducky, er dildo (grumble), to Ernie is by choosing the right blocks one at a time. Eventually you will map out a path that leads to Ernie. You'll have all sorts of random stuff to help move your dildo to Ernie including: pipes, alligators, washing machines, ocean waves, seals, whales, and more. Sometimes your path will even cross other characters from the Sesame Street series too; in this case, we see Bert. Once the path to Ernie has been completed, you get to watch some extremely bizarre and nauseating animations as the dildo makes its way back to him. See for yourself:

This is a true case of 'animal abuse'.
Rubber Dicky gets a ride on a beach ball from a friendly seal.

Anybody have a bottle of Drano?
Rubber Dicky nearly clogs up a pipe.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Rubber Dicky in the Washing Machine.

Uh Bert? What are you doing there? That doesn't look right.
Rubber Dicky controlling Bert's mind and making him water a plant?
(I mean, I HOPE that's water)

I never thought I'd see some of the things I've seen in this game today. I never thought I'd see a friendly seal give a ride to a dildo on a beach ball. I never thought I'd see a dildo travel through a pipe and actually stretch out the metal. I never thought I'd see a dildo control the mind of Bert and make him water a plant (with his penis?). I never thought I'd see any of these things. But most importantly...

When Ernie and Rubber Dicky were reunited, I felt my brain melting in my skull.

I never thought I'd see Ernie from Sesame Street juggle a dildo in the air while masturbating furiously.
Nope. Never thought I'd see that. And now that I have, I wish I hadn't. Somebody shoot me.

I LIKE TRASH, BUT THIS WAS TOO DIRTY EVEN FOR ME! DIE!
-RoG-


 

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You too can play Ernie & The Muppets Take It All Off!

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE ERNIE & THE MUPPETS TAKE IT ALL OFF ROM FOR THE NES!]

[CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]