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NOTICE:
It seems
that Sesame Street has more than one grouch. We recently received
this letter from them. Considering we didn't create this rom hack
and are instead simply REVIEWING it, they're way out of line.
Furthermore, it's quite clear that this is a humor site and it is in no
way affiliated with Sesame Street or any of the the characters that appear
on the show. One thing's for sure though... Getting a letter like that
from Sesame Street was like watching a part of my childhood die.
Thanks
Sesame Street.
I've seen a lot of rom hacks in my time. Whether it's a simple graphic
changed, or a completely revamped game, I usually enjoy checking them out.
More recently, I'm starting to think that a prerequisite for newbie rom
hackers is to create one that involves penis jokes of some sort.
Either that or the majority of rom hack creators are just insane
phallus-craving nymphos. I'll let you decide.
Like I said,
I enjoy playing rom hacks, even though they may be the very definition of
asininity at times. Well, all that enjoyment has changed with this latest and
probably the sickest rom hack that I've discovered so far: Ernie & The
Muppets Take It All Off (a rom hack of "Sesame Street ABC" created by
some anonymous puppet-molesting freak). The title alone sent chills up my spine, but the
game... dear god, the game is enough to to make me want to overdose on NyQuil until the pain goes away.
Let me be
absolutely clear here. This game will take the fond memories you once had of
the Sesame Street gang and quickly replace them with horrific
perversions of those same characters that will leave you mentally scarred
for life. Hell, my eye started to twitch as soon as I read the title of
the game.
As you can
see above, the title screen seems innocent enough. It even has a sing
along with the classic "Sunny day sweepin' the clouds away..." theme song
from Sesame Street. The game itself is actually divided into two separate
sections: Letter-Go-Round and Ernie's Big Splash. Sounds
like great educational fun for the kids right? Well let's just see about
that...
Ah, now we
have a nice little variety of games here in Letter-Go-Round.
Matching upper and lower case letters, spelling games... sure, we're
educated enough to not need to play games like these, but we should
probably check to see if it's something worth having the kids play right?
Actually, I receive a lot of emails on a daily basis, and judging by the
grammatical skills of the chumps that send in hate mail, a simple spelling
game like this might come in handy for them. Anyway, let's take a crack at
it!
So you're at
a carnival and the ferris wheel is filled with letters. Below it is a
partially formed word. It's up to you to pick the right letter to go with
that word. I chose the letter T to spell the word "HIT". Yes, I'm a
certified fucking genius. Worship me. Actually, I did want to use the
letter "G" to spell "HIG" instead, but apparently the Sesame Street
assholes don't observe an acronym for "Hawaii Institute of Geophysics" (HIG)
to be a real word. Bastards. Nonetheless, it's still a pretty nifty way to
teach kids how to form words eh? Wait, wait right there buck-o. You
haven't seen the "reward" you get for spelling a word correctly.
Behold:
After you
spell a word correctly, a sesame street character comes up below to put a
new letter up on the ferris wheel to replace the one you just removed from
it. Hey wait a second, look at Bert!!!
STOP THE
PRESS! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?! WHY IS BERT NAKED AND JERKING
OFF!?
You can try
scratching your eyes out our pouring clorox bleach in them, but it still
won't make the image disappear from your mind. You've just seen a
childhood character that brought you many fond memories... completely
naked and holding onto his fuzzy lil' chubby. We've all seen the infamous "Bert
Is Evil" web site, but this game makes that site look like Hello Kitty in
a river of sprinkles and glitter.
Ironically, right after I saw Bert naked, the next word I got to spell was
"GUN".
How fitting, since right after seeing Bert naked that's exactly what was on my mind.
Yes, if it's
not Bert popping up completely naked to deliver a new letter, it's his
best friend Ernie. Makes perfect sense right? Well, this is just the
beginning folks. If you spell 3 words or match 3 letters correctly in one
game, you are treated to a "show". No, I'm not talking about a re-run of a
Sesame Street episode. That would make too much sense. Instead, you get to
see a bunch of freaks doing their patented "Naked Muppet Dance" at night
in a carnival.
Words cannot
describe the shock of seeing Bert and the Cookie Monster run out of a
circus tent and do a twisted naked dance in the middle of the night.
What's worse, is after they are done with their sick display, they both
scamper back into the tent to do god knows what. I don't even want to
think about it. But to give you a hint, as soon as they go back into the
tent, FIREWORKS BURST IN THE SKY.
You do the math.
And it's not
just Bert and the Cookie Monster that do a dance. Sometimes you'll get
Ernie and the Cookie Monster too. I guess we're supposed to assume that
the Cookie Monster really "gets around"? Well as if that's not bad enough,
Big Bird comes out and does a naked dance of his own all by himself
sometimes...
There is
no horror like the horror of watching Big Bird do a dance with his "little
bird" exposed.
Then again, he did
Murder Snuffleupagus, so I don't know why I find this so
surprising.
Educational
fun for the kids? Uh no. Keep them the fuck away from this unless you're
planning on raising a little monster that has a twisted sexual attraction
to puppets. And call it a
hunch, but if you want kids to learn how to spell, the chance of seeing
Muppets completely naked might not be the best way to motivate them. If
anything, they'll try their best NOT to spell properly. So again, do not
use this game to teach your kids how to spell.
Also, I
don't know why, but it looks like the "Bat Signal" is turned on in the background of the
Letter-Go-Round game. Somebody apparently called Batman to come
save the day. He's fought evil foes like the Joker and the Penguin and
emerged victorious... but Naked Muppets? Well, rather than speak for him,
I'll let him express his thoughts about coming to save people from a bunch
of nude puppets:
"Ok,
let me get this straight. I've saved you assholes from countless
life-threatening villains, and now you want me to save you from this
perverted creation that one of you came up with? Tell ya what...
Fuck You. You can kiss my batty ass. I'm retiring from crime fighting and
I'm going to smash the Bat Signal into a thousand shards. You see, unlike
Aquaman, I've actually got some self-respect. I'm not going to go fight a
fucking naked Muppet. You can all kiss my ass and go straight to hell."
-Batman
Great, now
you've made Batman retire. Are you happy now Mr. Anonymous Rom Hacker?
Asshole...
Once you're
done with the mind-rot that is the "Letter-Go-Round" game, you have
the option to play the 2nd game, "Ernie's Big Splash". The
original premise
behind this game was helping Ernie's rubber ducky its way back to Ernie in
the bathtub. And from the menu screen here, you'd THINK (or at least HOPE)
that the guy who hacked this rom got lazy and left this part of the game
alone. Yeah... you'd think that, but you'd be wrong. Oh so horribly wrong.
You can
choose from any of the three games on the menu, but they're all the same
game really. The higher the level you choose, the farther away Ernie
starts from his rubber ducky. Oh wait, did I say "his rubber ducky"? I'm
sorry, I meant, "HIS RUBBER DICKY!"
"Rubber Dicky, you're the one! You make bath time lots of fun!"
Yes folks,
the unthinkable has been done. Rubber Ducky has been replaced by a rubber
dildo. And what's worse, Ernie looks damned happy about it. Dare I tempt
fate and try to get the dildo all the way back to Ernie? Or do I play it
safe and try to ease the hemorrhaging in my head that this game has
already caused by keeping the dildo as far away from Ernie as humanly
possible? Well, I've already spent this much time writing this review, and
for the sake of posterity I'll press forward. The things I do for you
people sometimes, I swear.
Ok, so the
way to get the ducky, er dildo (grumble), to Ernie is by choosing the
right blocks one at a time. Eventually you will map out a path that leads
to Ernie. You'll have all sorts of random stuff to help move your dildo to
Ernie including: pipes, alligators, washing machines, ocean waves, seals,
whales, and more. Sometimes your path will even cross other characters
from the Sesame Street series too; in this case, we see Bert. Once the
path to Ernie has been completed, you get to watch some extremely bizarre
and nauseating animations as the dildo makes its way back to him. See for
yourself:
Rubber Dicky gets a ride on a beach ball from a friendly seal.
Rubber Dicky nearly clogs up a pipe.
Rubber Dicky in the Washing Machine.
Rubber Dicky controlling Bert's mind and making him water a plant?
(I mean, I HOPE that's water)
I never
thought I'd see some of the things I've seen in this game today. I never
thought I'd see a friendly seal give a ride to a dildo on a beach ball. I
never thought I'd see a dildo travel through a pipe and actually stretch
out the metal. I never thought I'd see a dildo control the mind of Bert
and make him water a plant (with his penis?). I never thought I'd see any
of these things.
But most importantly...
I never
thought I'd see Ernie from Sesame Street juggle a dildo in the air while
masturbating furiously.
Nope. Never thought I'd see that. And now that I have, I wish I hadn't.
Somebody shoot me.
-RoG-
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click here for more rom hacks!
You too
can play Ernie & The Muppets Take It All Off!
[CLICK
HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE ERNIE & THE MUPPETS TAKE IT ALL OFF ROM FOR THE NES!]
[CLICK
HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE NES EMULATOR]
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