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Hacked Rom Reviews!

Super KKK Bros. (yeah, we couldn't believe it either)
-a rom hack of "Super Mario Bros." for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie

The Mario brothers have for so long been a symbol of hope for all the peoples in the world, especially Italians. Say for a minute, though, that they were just the opposite. Say that instead of international superstars, they were just bored skinheads waiting to spread white power throughout the Mushroom Kingdom. What's that, you say you can't imagine such a scenario? Neither could I, until I had a look at "Super KKK Brothers".

Obviously a classy game...

Looking for a game that supports up to two members of the "master race"? Well, you're in luck, because Super KKK Brothers is a one or two "nigger h8r" game. Ah, nothing says class like throwing in numbers for letters like many of the more popular bumper stickers. You know, I had always thought that the Klan was an organization that would never try to cut corners, especially when spelling was involved. I suppose it is hard to spell correctly when you have your hood on backwards.

Does this mean KFC sponsored this game? Nahhh...

As you may have guessed, the majority of the enemies from the original game have been replaced with crude drawings of black people. The turtles, instead of being transformed into a black guy with a shell on his back, have been turned into a black guy with a bucket of KFC on his back. This brings up two important questions: What KFC sells such relatively huge buckets of chicken, and what kind of bucket bounces around killing people when you kick it? The most confusing enemy conversion, however, has to be the cloud guy:

If the black people are in the clouds (ie: heaven) does that mean the racists are in hell? Probably.

Now come on, this makes no sense at all. Since when has one of the main complaints that the Klan has against black people been "they rain pointy monsters down on us from their cloud perches in the sky"? Maybe it's just a Southern thing…

Some enemies, like the flowers and the giant bullets, have remained the same because like every other ethnicity, they are on the Klan's list. We need to band together as one people if we want to stop these madmen from destroying the members of our giant bullet community. Some of my best friends are giant bullets! Enough about these "inferior humans", let's take a look at our "hero".

What a pathetic little shit.

What the hell? I thought Caucasians were supposed to be tall. How can I look to this short bastard to be my hero? Man, I am so disillusioned right now. Why, he's no taller than those damn dirty ni… Oh yeah, to get tall in Super Mario Bros., you had to get those mushrooms. Our tiny neo-nazi, on the other hand, picks up one of these:

Kinda looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy doesn't he?

Aw, isn't he just the cutest little hatemonger you've ever seen? If only he came in plush form… Oh well. Grabbing one of these guys transforms you into a hood-wearing Klansman, with bonus moustache. The next step in Skinhead Mario's evolution requires one of these:

Oooooo scary.

I assume it's meant to be one of those Iron Crosses that Hitler used to give out before he had his brains smeared all over the wall of some secret bunker. Anyway, one of these crosses will transform you into a red Klansman that shoots smaller versions of the cross instead of traditional fireballs. Now really, should the clan just be giving out these awards to everyone that comes their way? I don't see a lot of Vietnam vets going out and tossing handfuls of Purple Hearts at people. Anyway, on occasion you will find one of the rare invincibility power-ups, which were stars in the original game, by the way:

Attention all racists: YOUR NECK GOES IN HERE. See? It's easy!

Yes friends, a noose makes you invincible. It makes sense that a noose would be such a sought-after item when you think about it, because if you were part of an organization that is despised by all people of the world and wracked by sheer stupidity, wouldn't you want to kill yourself? When you grab said instrument, the bad guys will simply get out of your way when you touch them because frankly, they pity you, even that weirdo in the cloud.

So there he is, the David Dukes of the Mushroom Kingdom. As if all the stuff before hasn't been enough to thoroughly creep you out, wait until you see the new take on Bowser:

Platypus? Ape? Dear god, what kind of genetic experiments have they done to poor Bowser!

Yes, that menacing, fire-breathing dinosaur has been replaced by a menacing, fire-breathing platypus. Now this is yet another surprise for me: I didn't know the Klan had problems with Australian animals. I guess it's a good thing there's plenty of lava to dunk that nasty creature in. As your reward for killing this dangerous mammal (Amphibian? Reptile? What the hell is it?), you'll find that you have rescued one of the princess's helpers, in this case, a little bald child.

Ok, enough with the child molestation... find the princess.

Oh, thank you, little androgynous child. Your instructions shall be taken to heart. Now where has that real princess gone? Ah, there she is:

Unfortunately, we haven't saved the world from idiotic rom hacks like this being created...

Oh, you're quite a feisty redhead, your majesty. I think we should let these ebony-skinned people live with us so that we might enjoy their fried chicken and the fact that they are not related to us, as there's a better chance our children won't grow up with flippers like when we marry in the family. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to wash my sheets because I soiled myself when I saw that giant platypus.

Dr. Boogie

You too can play (the pathetically racist) Super KKK Bros.!



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