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Hacked Rom Reviews!

Tokyo City Ninjas!
-a rom hack of "River City Ransom" for the NES-
review by: FatSatan

NINJA. The single coolest type of human being on this planet. Trained in the arts of making a person very dead without so much as a sound, they're also extremely mysterious. There could be a Ninja sitting outside your bedroom window right now, watching you, contemplating whether or not he should kill you. Just to be on the safe side, say the following words out loud so the Ninja outside your bedroom window will hear you: "THERE IS NOTHING COOLER IN THIS WORLD THAN A NINJA." He may decide not to kill you, this time.

And you'll never be able to tell if a Ninja might be near. There could even be one hiding in this very boo! sentence. He might kill you with a sword, or a credit card, or even a pair of those plastic scissors they give you in pre-school. He might bring a friend and they'd kill you together. Ninja do have friends, you see. We tend to forget that they're people too, next to ultimate killing machines. A Ninja could defeat a nuclear submarine, but how would he handle the pain of losing a loved one? Let's find out...

Tokyo City Ninjas!

Panic! The city of Tokyo... City... has been overrun by evil Ninja! There's so many of them that they no longer make an effort to hide themselves, walking outside in bright daylight, practicing their lethal weaponry on whoever is foolish enough to venture outside their house. Who can now save the good people of Tokyo City from certain Ninja-induced doom?

The good Ninjas!

These guys! In a distant past they went by the names of Alex and Ryan, but years of special Ninja-training have changed them forever. Each hails from a distant land, and came to Tokyo City to rid it of evil. Discovering that they were kindred spirits, these Ninja teamed up to fight the scourge of darkness together.

Codename: Mutsu

The noble Ninja Mutsu is the last remaining member of the Iron Fish clan. He left his dwellings in the west to honor the memory of his ancestors and to escape a copyright lawsuit involving some wide scale DVD piracy. As a trained Iron Fish warrior, Mutsu commands the Hand of Dynamite, the legendary Foot O'much Pain, and the dreaded Glare of Grace Jones. Mutsu will stop at nothing to destroy the Ninja that plague Tokyo City, and hopes to unravel the mystery of the sacred Tokyo City Gates.

Codename: Michi

The illustrious Michi is a Ninja trained by the mighty Chuck Norris. Watching his master decay to a state in which he is selling fitness machines was a heavy burden on young Michi. He chose to leave his home and seek a more honorable destiny in ridding the city of Tokyo City from its evil. He formed a symbiotic relationship with the wise Mutsu to accomplish this task. Michi's skills include the Knuckle Sandwich, the Sucker Punch, and the all but forgotten K*I*C*K. By nature, Michi has a strong sense of justice, and has sworn to die before he lets the evil Ninja overtake Tokyo City unchallenged.

Evil Ninjas

But this task is not an easy one. There are seemingly endless armies of Ninja roaming the streets of Tokyo City. They have splintered into various gangs and will do whatever it takes to see Mutsu's and Michi's mission fail. With such gang names as "the Generic Dudes" and "the Jocks", these evil Ninja with original Japanese names like Harry, Larry and Jerry strike fear into the hearts of all of Tokyo City. No more time to waste. Let's kick some evil Ninja ass!

Tokyo Town? Must be a suburb. Evil is afoot!

The streets of Tokyo City are quiet. Almost too quiet. This eerie silence hides some terrible danger... and there it is! The "Generic Dudes" Ninja gang assails Mutsu and Michi with flailing Ninja death sticks, also known as nunchaku.

No, 'dude', I will NOT chill out! NOOO! MICHI! BASTARDS!

But they are no match for our Ninja duo. Their cowardly attack receives ample punishment, as Mutsu deals swift death to one of their attackers... but in doing so, he fails to note another group of Ninja ambushing Michi. And then it is too late. Young Michi falls before the savage Ninja attack. Oh well, at least he made true to his promise to die before he lets the evil Ninja take over Tokyo City. All that is left for Mutsu is to take revenge. Time to break out the full Ninja arsenal.

He said "wooden" smash yo' bwain!
Nunchaku (wooden and steel)

The dreaded Nunchaku are banned in large parts of the world. Not surprisingly, since these can deflect bullets and kill an 800 pound man from across the room. The wooden sticks are quite lethal, but the true power lies in the steel ones - split heads and shatter bone with this weapon.

I'm big! I'm tiny, and therefore cuter. :(
Shuriken (big and normal)

Known to laymen as "Ninja Death Stars", these razor-sharp metal projectiles deliver swift death to the Ninja's enemies. Victims will hear only a brief whizz before they clutch their bleeding throat and fall. The larger type of Shuriken requires a less subtle approach. With a curb weight of 8 lbs, they need to be lobbed underhand. More powerful Ninja will hold the big Shuriken over their head and smash a foe's skullcap in with it.

Raphael would be proud.

The legendary Sai are a vital part of the Ninja arsenal. Many a victim received a full frontal lobotomy in their sleep with these fork-like weapons. Mutsu prefers to hold the Sai over his head and jab his opponent's eyes out with them, or throw them.

Even deadlier with a vinaigrette
Salad Fork

The Salad Fork is a powerful weapon indeed. It can be cast or used to stab an enemy in the chest, and let's not even mention the saw-toothed edge. Though manufactured of lowly plastic, the art of the Salad Fork dates back to 4,000 B.C. Only a true Ninja master can use it, and knows on which side of the dinner plate it should lie.

b-o-l-a b-o-l-a b-o-o-o-o-o-l-a

Though the Bola can be used to smack the opponent in the face, it is more widely used as a throwing weapon to take enemies down. To be taken down by a Bola is one of the greatest humiliations a Ninja knows, second only to co-starring in Robocop 3.

Ok, it's not a real vase. It costs 5 bucks.
Ming Vase

Yes, the final piece of the Ninja arsenal is indeed the most potent one. A priceless Ming Vase can be applied to bashing in an enemy's brains, thrown at him, or kicked at him. It takes a master to use this weapon without breaking it.

A walk in the park Meow?

Venturing deep into the heart of enemy territory, Mutsu encounters mysterious statues of cats wearing ties. Perhaps this is a religious symbol to the many Ninja gangs that stalk the paths of Tokyo City park.

You would offer fish to MUTSU!?

In the heart of the city, Mutsu meets with the peaceful population of Tokyo City. Glad to see someone fighting the dark Ninja forces, they are happy to provide him with all the support he needs. One man, however, makes the fatal mistake of offering Mutsu some sushi. Being a member of the Iron Fish, Mutsu takes this as a personal insult and kicks off the man's head.

Mama said knock you out! Come get some!

Continuing his journey, Mutsu fights his way deeper into hostile territory. One by one, the Ninja gangs fall before his superior skills.


Mutsu turns the power of evil against itself. His fury to avenge Michi makes him unstoppable. But nothing can prepare him for his next encounter...

I'm no punk! Barf!!

The fearsome Ninja boss "Moose" blocks Mutsu's path. Only one will leave these grounds alive... But Moose's strength is substantial, and he manages to floor Mutsu.

Aah! Put it away! You like that, bitch?

Then Moose's horrible secret is exposed. He means to RAPE Mutsu! Years of superiority on the battlefield have driven Moose mad with power. But Mutsu will not be violated so easily. Applying his deadly Ming Vase-throwing technique, he knocks Moose down and deals him poetic justice. But we don't need to get into that.

The sacred Gates!

With Moose destroyed both physically and mentally, Mutsu has no trouble fighting his way to the secret he has sought all his life. The legendary Gates of Tokyo City. None know what lies beyond them, for none who have seen it have returned. It is time to unlock the secret...

Click the Gates to open (or close) them!

Let's get out of this mess, Michi!


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