Protoclown's 2007 Movie Awards
by: Protoclown

I don't give a tinker's damn, a tin shit, a rat's ass, or a baker's fuck about the annual Academy Awards where a bunch of assholes determine which of the artsy-fartsy mainstream films released in whatever year are the best. I'm totally down with the idea of giving credit where it's due, however, so I've decided to issue my own Awards, which are no doubt more meaningful than the Oscars.

By the time you read this, the Oscars will have already happened, but as I write this, they have not, so you can think of this article as a "time capsule" from the past, sharing with you the quaint and obsolete way we used to think about things just a few days ago.

Obviously since I am only one person I can only do films that a) I have seen, b) I have been made aware of, or c) know nothing about but feel like spouting off about them anyway. Just remember that I studied film in college so my word is law (LAW!) and we should get along just fine.

Sorry Rambo fans, but this list only includes movies that came out in 2007. Maybe next year.

Without further ado, here are my picks for various categories that I just made up:

Best Moustache:

The nominees are:

-Andy Samberg, Hot Rod
-Daniel Day Lewis, There Will Be Blood

And the winner is:

Andy Samberg, Hot Rod

Sorry Daniel Day-Lewis, your manly man's man moustache put on a damned fine performance in There Will Be Blood, but I'm afraid it just can't compete with the cheesy, slightly crooked, and obviously fake moustache worn by Andy Samberg in Hot Rod. I mean, it looks like a giant, hairy caterpillar climbed onto his face and decided to take up residence there. How can you beat that? Answer: You can't, that's how.

Most Horrific Abomination Committed to Film

The nominees are:

-Alvin and the Chipmunks
-Delta Farce

And the winner is:

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Picking from among these crimes against life, death, and the undead realm between was no easy task. The fact that I am still alive and not in jail should clue you in to the fact that I've never seen any of these, nor do I plan to. But as I have been unfortunate enough to sit through the trailers of all of these, I feel as if I've seen them all. And while they are all certainly cringe-worthy, Alvin and the Chipmunks is perhaps the cringiest of all, with its laughably bad CGI and hip-hopped versions of the titular characters. Eddie Murphy hasn't done anything worthwhile in well over a decade, Larry the Cable Guy is perhaps the worst example of a human being since Adolf Hitler, but Jason Lee is in two, count ‘em, two of these movies. I don't care about My Name Is Earl, but I really want to like you, Jason Lee. Why do you make career choices that make me sad?

Best Western

The nominees are:

-The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
-3:10 To Yuma

And the winner is:

Best Western

Best Western International is the world's largest hotel brand with over 4,200 hotels in 80 countries. Their uniqueness is found in each hotel's charm and local appeal while maintaining a commitment to quality, service and value.

Worst Raping of a Classic Franchise

The nominees are:

-Halloween 2007
-Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem
-Resident Evil: Extinction

And the winner is:


Okay, I know I've made no secret of my hatred for this movie, and there's nothing I can really say here that I haven't said before, so let's talk about the fact that Michael Bay has announced that he's writing the inevitable sequel. My god, not only are they letting it get behind the camera again, but they're giving it crayons and letting it smash them against paper in the hope that something resembling words might come out. I like to think about that little fact when I get curious to remember what the taste of my own bile is like.

Best Sequel

The nominees are:

-Live Free or Die Hard
-Bourne Ultimatum
-Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
-Ocean's 13

And the winner is:

Live Free or Die Hard

Holy shit, this was an enjoyable movie! If you had told me a year ago that a PG-13 Die Hard would be one of the best in the series, you obviously would have been a time traveler from the future, because there's no way in hell anyone could have predicted that shit. This movie is so ridiculously over the top, but in an extremely enjoyable way, that I walked out of the movie with a huge smile on my face. Even that annoying Apple commercials kid couldn't drag this one down.

Comic Book Movie That Made Me Feel Sort Of Embarrassed About Reading Comics

The nominees are:

-Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
-Ghost Rider
-Spider Man 3

And the winner is:

Spider-Man 3

Honestly, all three of these movies are bad, and I think that Spider-Man 3 just barely edges out in quality over the other two. Why then did I pick that one for this award? Well, Ghost Rider was bad in a ridiculously cheesy, fun kind of way, and it had Sam Elliott in it, which automatically gives it some points. Nobody expected Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer to be any good in the first place, and though it sucked, its worst crime was being insanely boring. Spider-Man 3 should have and could have been good. It had Sam Raimi behind it, it had all the cast from the first two returning, and it was riding high off of Spider-Man 2, one of the best comic movies ever made. There's just no excuse for this movie sucking as bad as it did. You see that picture up there? That's how I felt when I was in the theater watching this movie.

Best Movie That No One Saw

The nominees are:

-Hot Rod
-Black Snake Moan

And the winner is:


All three of these movies were great, but Grindhouse should have been a fucking blockbuster. What the fuck happened? I remember on opening night trying to get a group of friends to see this movie, and we only managed to gather a group about half the size of our usual. Nobody seemed interested, which puzzled and confused me, but I shrugged it off, because maybe everyone simply had other plans. We ordered our tickets early, prepared for the certainty of sold out shows and lines wrapping around the theater, only to walk right into the movie and find almost nothing inside but crickets and tumbleweeds. The movie also happened to be probably THE most enjoyable movie I saw all year. Not only that, but there were two films for the price of one, and the second one was even BETTER (albeit slower) than the first! I raved about this movie afterward to anyone and everyone who would listen, and STILL no one went to go see it, opting to wait for DVD, not understanding that a movie like this HAS to be experienced on the big screen. I was honestly angry that so few people showed interest in something so awesome. And now the DVDs are out, but they ruined the experience by splitting the movies apart and taking away the fake trailers because it performed so badly in the theaters. So hey, thanks a lot, assholes.

Stupidest Title

The nominees are:

-Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium
-I Want Someone To Eat Cheese With

And the winner is:

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

This award is simply based on the name, not the quality of the movie, though it certainly looks like a piece of shit on top of the godawful title. Were Dustin Hoffman and Natalie Portman desperate for rent money that month? Or maybe they had serious drug habits to support? Perhaps we'll never know why they chose to be in this movie, but the title is so obviously contrived to sound cute, when all it's succeeded in doing is ensuring that anyone actually named Mr. Magorium is going to be on the receiving end of a never-ending supply of gut punches from random strangers for the rest of his life.

Worst Sequel That Absolutely No One Was Looking Forward To

The nominees are:

-Hostel: Part II
-Daddy Day Camp
-The Hills Have Eyes 2
-Saw IV

And the winner is:

Hostel: Part II

I've not seen any of these movies, and I don't plan to. But I've seen the first installments of all except Daddy Day Camp (and the first two Saw movies), so this is based on the continuation of quality that came before. Hostel was so fucking weak it made sick. While everyone else was getting nauseated by "intense" scenes that cut away from showing you anything truly grisly, I was getting sick by how sick everyone else in the theater was getting. The only thing that could have even come close to redeeming this piece of shit is if all the annoying fuckhead characters had died, but no, quite possibly the most annoying fuckhead of all survived the whole movie. I'm not the least bit interested in the sequel, but the only thing that could even begin to make it worthwhile is if that character from the first movie dies a horrible death, preferably in the first five minutes.

Most Offensively Stupid Ending

The nominees are:

-The Number 23

And the winner is:

The Number 23

I know, considering the extensive list of nominees, you're shocked by this choice. I actually liked this movie right up until the end, where it decided to get completely retarded and insult my intelligence. Jim Carrey did a bang-up job playing a convincing thriller/noir role, and I really enjoyed his performance. Unfortunately things all fell apart at the end when the big surprise ending to this "mystery" was all based on information that was deliberately kept from the audience but absolutely would NOT have been kept from Jim Carrey's character. I'm being vague to avoid spoilers (though the whole movie is a "spoiler" anyway, if you ask me), but there is just no WAY this revelation would not have come up EARLY ON during his search for information. The end result is a horribly contrived and stupid mess, and from what I hear they actually filmed several completely different endings for this movie, which just goes to show that they had no idea what the hell they wanted to do in the first place. They should have gone with one of the other ones, but this it's no surprise they fucked it up considering that Joel Schumacher was behind the wheel of this vehicle.

Best Action Hero

The nominees are:

-John McClane, Live Free or Die Hard
-Jason Bourne, The Bourne Ultimatum
-Alice, Resident Evil: Extinction

And the winner is:

John McClane, Live Free or Die Hard

Sorry Jason, Alice, but John McClane kicks your asses. I was kind of surprised that Bruce still had it in him at his age, but he clearly does. Some of the stuff in this movie in terms of the crazy shit that John McClane manages to pull off is his best yet. Clearly Mr. McClane is still not a man with whom to fuck. Ho ho ho.

Biggest Band of Idiots in a Survival Horror Film

The nominees are:

-Resident Evil: Extinction
-Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem

And the winner is:

Resident Evil: Extinction

As moronic as the survivors in AvP2 may have been, they were at least new to the game. The idiot band of survivors in Resident Evil: Extinction did not have that excuse, however, and deserved to die horrible deaths for being so incredibly cretinous. If these people survived as long as they did and didn't even think to check each other for zombie bites and cuts after an attack (because it's inevitable in a zombie movie that someone just bitten will keep their condition a secret and put the whole group in danger), then it's obvious that they managed to live so long on simple luck and certainly NOT any intelligence or cunning. Also, they seemed surprised to see flocks of zombie birds that they should have encountered previously and decided the best defense against them was to run around with their arms in the air and shoot them with pistols. But worst of all, these idiots decided it would be a smart idea to equip their school bus with spikes and run over zombies, spraying infected blood all over and into the bus. Way to go, guys.

Well, that's it for my 2007 awards. If there's anything you don't agree with, sound off in the comments below and tell me why. Also, if there's a category you'd like to see if I do a follow-up piece next year, let me know, and I may just include it (largely depending on what kinds of movies come out this year, of course).

Questions or Comments about this piece?

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Movie Sequels I'm Still Waiting For
Movie Sequels I'm Still Waiting For!

Reader Comments

The Goddamned Batman
Feb 25th, 2008, 01:45 AM
I'm not gonna apologize for the Best Western joke

you can't make me do it
Forum Virgin
Feb 25th, 2008, 02:10 AM
I personally think the other franchises in the "Worst Raping of a Classic Franchise" category were raped harder. Also, the "Worst Title" category could probably be replaced with something better.

Otherwise, however, great list! This was a pretty bad year for comic book movies. Also, I liked how you mentioned how cringe-inducing the previews were to the films in the "Most Horrific Abomination to Films" category. I cringed so hard during those previews, I actually had to walk out of the theatre and wait for the movie to start before returning. It was too embarrassing to look at.
age 8 1/2
Feb 25th, 2008, 03:22 AM
Ya see that? That right there? That's the reason I haven't set foot in a movie theater in 13 years.
Feb 25th, 2008, 04:21 AM
I hate Spider-Man 3 so much.
after enough bourbon ...
Feb 25th, 2008, 04:57 AM
How about "Most Gratutious use of Nudity"? Although that would have so many nominees ...

Great article, BTW. I'd sit through annoying prattle, stupid commercials and overlong acceptance speeches to watch this awards show.
Feb 25th, 2008, 05:10 AM
Well Mr Protoclown, having forced myself to watch Hostel 2 I can assure you that your wish is answered, and the horrid Jay Hernandez gets himself butchered good, pretty much within the first five minutes. The rest of the film is utter shit, worse even than the original. I only watched it because I'm a perverted psycho, of course.

On that note, I totally agree on the Grindhouse thing - man that rocked. It ranks as one of my great cinema experiences. Pity so many missed it. And although I just bashed Eli Roth above, his trailer for "Thanksgiving" set up the best-looking horror I've seen in a long time.

Now for the year of Watchmen - Iron Man - Magneto - Dark Knight - Avengers...what wonders and horrors can we expect?
In the back of your head.
Feb 25th, 2008, 05:41 AM
I would have used cliched instead of cheesy for Ghost Rider. It wasn't a good movie to see by yourself, saw it with 2 friends and could't stop talkig through out it 'çause we keep it on making jokes. It annoyed me that they did't show Planet Terror in Aus.
Feb 25th, 2008, 10:41 AM
I can't agree more about Grindhouse. It seemed to me to be the best combination of humor, action and goofiness. It came out at the perfect time(April, right after the crapfests that come out early in the year, but right before the blockbusters hit) and it just seemed like a movie people would get behind. I am still holding my breath for a special edition release of the DVDs with both movies together with the trailers. Splitting them up makes no sense at all.

About the only thing I disagree with you is that I thought Planet Terror was better then Deathproof. Then again I saw the movies at a midnight showing after drinking most the day so by the time Deathproof was on I was a bit sleepy.
The stealer of Pies
Feb 25th, 2008, 11:14 AM
Me and a couple of my friends went to the midnight premiere of Grindhouse and it actually had quite a packed house. I mean, there was still room, but full nonetheless. The preview turned movie I'd want to see though would have to be the nazi werewolves, but only if htey make it as ridiculous and over the top as they did to Planet Terror (which was by far my more favorite of the two, but Deathproof did have a funnier and better ending if you can sit through the first half). But why no one else saw it I just cannot understand. It was two movies for the price of one, and which ticket prices these days, you cannot beat that.
Zombie Basher
Feb 25th, 2008, 12:19 PM
I actually like Resident evil: Extinction. :< While they weren't as good as the games, and said bad survival skills, I thought it was pretty good.

I honestly expected Alice to take out that huge guy with a shoop da woop, though. It was perfectly set up for it.
Tropical Viking
Feb 25th, 2008, 12:45 PM
I never even had the chance to see grindhouse, and planet terror was on here in Brazil for a week or so. I really wanted to see the whole thing in theathers.
Hostel was really lame, not graphic enough, not pornographic enough, not funny enough, I couldn't care less about the sequel.
As for transformers, well, I'm no fan really, never had a toy or seen the TV series, so I could just get past the overall stupidity and enjoy it's good looks.
Spider man 3 sucks. That movie had way too much jazz for a super hero movie. Think of the dark night dancing with Katie Holmes like The Mask with Cameron Diaz, it's just as lame.
Blah blah blah
Feb 25th, 2008, 01:22 PM
Great article! But I have to severely disagree with one movie that you seem to have a lot of love for. In fact I can't believe no one else has said anything yet. Hot Rod was one of the worst pieces of shit ever unleashed on unsuspecting moviegoers. I love Andy Samberg, but Hot Rod was 90 minutes of suck. Sorry, but I calls em like I sees em.
Fookin' up planets!
Feb 25th, 2008, 02:36 PM
I couldnt get past the first 30 min. of "Number 23". It made me want to kill myself while taking a giant crap on the dvd box.
Feb 25th, 2008, 04:03 PM
"Worst Sequel That Absolutely No One Was Looking Forward To"

Obviously someone was looking forward to Saw IV cause it made 63 mil.
Forum Virgin
Feb 25th, 2008, 05:34 PM
Grindhouse was probably on of the best movie(s)to be released this last year. I remember me and group of friends flocked to it because of Planet Terror. (new zombie like movie with a chick with a gun for a leg, who can resist?)We were mildly bored of Death Proof though, but it was still better then most movies released that year.
Spiteful Jerk
Feb 25th, 2008, 06:47 PM
I'm glad there is another who knows the pain of having been wowed in the theater by Grindhouse only to see it hacked in half and delivered, like a mafia threat, to us on DVD. I was infuriated that they split them. Angered to the point of refusing to buy the DVDs. Seeing this in the theater is one of those experiences I will truly treasure.

Oh, and Spider-Man 3? Like Pirates of The Carribean's sequels, it's on the list of "Films That Do Not Exist In My Head".
Forum Virgin
Feb 25th, 2008, 11:44 PM
Thankfully, Alvin and the Chipmunks weren't all hip-hopped. I was kind of worried, but that movie reached out to that whole period where the TV show was awesome. As for Spider-man 3, it was like 3 movies all by itself. Like 10 gallons of shit in a one gallon bag. They tried to do way too much.

Also, the Academy sucks the big one. Best Picture=Most Controversial (more often than not)
What Video Games?
Feb 26th, 2008, 04:19 AM
This was a fun read. Makes me think of how Eli Roth, Rob Zombie, and some other guy call themselves "The SPlat Pack". Christ, what a ham!
Forum Virgin
Feb 26th, 2008, 05:52 AM
This is why I don't watch movies.
Likes Silly Hats
Feb 26th, 2008, 01:31 PM
I'm surprised Epic Movie didn't get a nomination for Most Horrific Abomination Committed to Film. Because it really deserved it. Honestly, I'm a more bitter person for seeing it.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Feb 26th, 2008, 01:37 PM
best western joke rules
Spiteful Jerk
Feb 26th, 2008, 02:09 PM
Originally Posted by Grimscott View Post
I'm surprised Epic Movie didn't get a nomination for Most Horrific Abomination Committed to Film. Because it really deserved it. Honestly, I'm a more bitter person for seeing it.
I think the proper category for Epic Movie would be "Worst Crime Against Humanity Since The Holocaust".

I told my nephew not to go see that movie around here because I was going to burn down the theater and everyone watching it inside, thus doing evolution a favor.
An Arizona Horror Company
Feb 26th, 2008, 02:31 PM
Can't really argue with any of your selections here-- although I'd have to pick Zombie's HALLOWPALOOZA over TRANSFORMERS in the "Raping of a Classic" category. TRANSFORMERS was, at least, an abstract premise that could have done in any number of directions-- it just happened to go to Sucktown under the watchful eye of Michael Bad, ummmm, Bay. But with HALLOWEEN Zombie took a brilliant, well-thought-out suspense/horror classic, and turned it into an Very Special Episode of MONTEL. Daaaaaaamn his eeeeeeeyes!
Feb 26th, 2008, 05:09 PM
How about a category for "Move that I'll never see, but is most likely to make me stop talking to one of my friends for going to see in theaters."

2008 front-runners so far include "Meet the Spartans" and Paris Hilton's "The Hottie and the Nottie"

As for 2007? I'd have to say that "Delta Farce" narrowly beats out "Epic Movie" and "Because I Said So"

The category wouldn't be too different from your "Most Horrific Abomination Committed to Film" category. The difference would be the friend's ability to successfully argue for having to go see a movie. "Alvin & the Chipmunks" and "Norbit" can be forgiven with an apology and either the words "the kids wanted to..." or "my incredibly hot 20-year old girlfriend who is both as skinny as and as smart as a lamppost wanted to..." Whereas the only way to properly atone for having seen "Delta Farce" is through an eternity burning in a tomb with the arch-heretics in the sixth circle of Hell.
No Future Guy
Feb 26th, 2008, 05:33 PM
Nothing quite like praying to God for him to kill Peter Parker.
Forum Virgin
Feb 26th, 2008, 05:50 PM
'Worst Raping of a Classic Franchise- Transformers...?'
Well I'm not going to say your wrong. But I am going to say that 'Worst GANG PRISON Raping of a Classic Franchise' goes hands down to Halloween 2007. Why? Well lets look at the facts shall we? Jason= Tuned Cyborg, Chucky= Got married And had a kid, M. Myres = Just wasn't hugged enough as a child...They're signs you see. Do you know what this depravity will lead to? Cause I do: The new Freddy Kruger movie= 'Freddy got laid'. A new level of Horror..."
Feb 26th, 2008, 05:52 PM
freddy got fingered lol
Feb 26th, 2008, 05:54 PM

daddy would you like some sausage
daddy would you like some sau-sa-ges
Suicidal Chipmunk
Feb 26th, 2008, 09:06 PM
i may become the most hated person in this message board for saying this, but i honestly didn't think the transformers movie was that bad, to tell you the truth. I actualy [i]ENJOYED[i] most of the movie...i apologize
From the Home of MST3K
Feb 26th, 2008, 10:04 PM
/More interesting and personally relevant than the oscars.
Blah blah blah
Feb 26th, 2008, 10:17 PM
Don't feel bad for admitting you liked a movie JJ. I liked it too. It was a big dumb movie about huge fucking robots busting shit up. And it was awesome. All of you should get off your high horses and relax a bit. It was a movie based on a TOY LINE from the eighties. Were you expecting it to have an award winning story? The special effects were great, the action was exciting and it was fun. What more do you want out of a summer blockbuster? If I want to see "No Country for Old Men" I'll go see it (and loved it btw), but what's wrong with also wanting to turn off your brain for a few hours and basking in the glow of huge fucking robots.
Go ahead and bash me all you want.
Forum Virgin
Feb 26th, 2008, 11:40 PM
I'll have to agree with you about Grindhouse. It was such a great movie in the theater. I don't know why they had to ruin it by splitting it up. I loved the fake trailer for the movie 'Thanksgiving'.
Role Assigner
Feb 27th, 2008, 01:34 AM
Best Western joke made me laugh out loud.

You hating on Transformers made me frown out loud.
The Goddamned Batman
Feb 27th, 2008, 01:46 AM
Thanks for the comments everyone! For those of you who said that this is why you haven't seen a movie in the theater in X amount of time, there are a lot of really great movies still being made and you're really missing out by not experiencing them on the big screen. But maybe I'm old fashioned in thinking that's the most proper way to enjoy a movie...

Purple Man: Watchmen isn't until spring of next year, actually. They just finished filming it a couple weeks ago. God, what a piece of shit that movie is going to be. Not sure about Magneto and Avengers, but I'd be surprised if they come out as early as this year. I am very glad to hear about Hostel 2 though. Now that you've told me, I can at least be at peace knowing that without actually having to watch the movie.

Nilus: I know a lot of people felt that way but I really think Death Proof was a better movie, if a bit slower. I think they made a mistake in the order they presented the movies though...the slower movie should have been first, considering that my ass was right sore sitting in that theater seat by the start of that third hour.

Krish-0: Gotta disagree about Hot Rod. Funniest movie I saw all last year. I laughed so hard I was in tears, seriously. Wait a second--you LIKED Transformers because you get to "turn off your brain" and yet you didn't like Hot Rod? What gives, man??

Überguy: There was a period when Alvin and the Chipmunks was awesome? Do you hail from some parallel universe, or perhaps Earth-2?

Mattjack: Please tell me what frowning out loud sounds like. I must know.

And a couple of you mentioned the following:

Epic Movie and Halloween 2007. Honestly, I forgot about Epic Movie (and haven't seen it anyway) and I never saw Halloween 2007, so my judgment in the "raping of a franchise" category comes from my personal experience with Transformers versus all the shit I HEARD about Halloween. And as bad as the reports of Halloween I heard were, it just couldn't compare to the spewing, venomous hatred I feel for Transformers.
Blah blah blah
Feb 27th, 2008, 09:25 AM
I just didn't find HotRod funny. The parts with him and his stepdad were pretty good, but other than that, it couldn't even make me chuckle. To each his own I guess.
Feb 27th, 2008, 10:10 AM
Krish-O: What we were expecting from Transformers was a story about huge fucking robots busting shit up, what we got was a story about some nerdy human kid and his vapid, shallow girlfriend playing grab-ass around the huge fucking robots. Did you ever want to own the Sam Witwicky action figure and make all of your Transformers play time center around him? If so, then I can safely tell you that you failed at playtime as a child. None of us were expecting anything Oscar-worthy, but the huge fucking robots who were to bust shit up could have at least been the main characters.
Feb 27th, 2008, 01:56 PM
I had to register just to comment on this one.

Proto, I love ya man, but like everyone I've ever known who's ever when to film school, you have really piss-poor opinions in regards to certain films, particularly adaptations.

First off, regarding Transformers... it was a very enjoyable film! Sure for every good thing there was one stupid thing Bay added (like decepticons with predicon heads) but it was certainly action-packed with a decent enough story considering it's merely a summer blockbuster. Could it have been better? Sure, but only if I personally wrote the script myself because like yourself I have THAT strong an emotional attachment to the franchise.

Despots response to Krish-0 tickled me a bit because what he described is the pilot episode of the original series. Yup Bay totally ripped off the pilot merely adding a bit of the animated movie for good measure. The boy and his car thing was how the transformers series was supposed to go and in many ways it did, with spike, his father and others' interactions with the transformers grounding the series and giving it more depth than "robot faction a vs robot faction b". To see how crappy the transformers, would have been without humans, please see the go-bots.

Also, just to put a hammer on it, remember that the Transformers series wasn't all that god to begin with. (Gasp!) Seriously go back and watch, it's pretty lame looking back without the nostalga glasses. Even the animated movie wasn't all that great. It turned out great because of the killer soundtrack, but honestly that thing was on the verge of suckage. And remmber, I'm a UBER transformers fan, but even I can admit that the transformers were never known for their great writing.

I also agree that hotrod isn't that great of a movie. Mind you I enjoyed it, but just barely. It seems like ever since Napoleon Dynamite was released, every few years somebody tries to make a better version of that film. That's what this felt like to me, a poor-man's ND.

When were the chipmunks cool? Proto were you held up in a cave between the years 1984-1987? Hit tv show, two animated films, ect... Plus they did something that other "band" cartoons never had the balls to do, namely they did covers of real songs, real 80's songs! It doesn't get any better than three rats on helium singing old duran duran tunes! That's why the chipmunks totally own Jem, Josie and the Pussy Cats, and any other fake cartoon band you can think of. They are still quite enjoyable at adulthood as well, but I woudl reccomend certain herbal supplements.

I'm also not a fan of grindhouse. It was every film student's wet-dream of what a cinema experience should be, and that is exactly why it did so poorly. If it weren't for all the hot women I would have totally fallen asleep through death proof, it's too frikkin slow and the payoff sucks. Planet Terror was certainly good, but I could have done without the slow build-up of the women who's abused and how we just know it'll come back to haunt the good doctor. I mean I know it's supposed to have a 70's feel, but I think they had retired the telegraph even back then. ;-) But what hurt grindhouse the most was that as a whole, it was too frikkin long. People BARELY made it through lord of the rings and it had state of the art cgi, an epic tale, and killer surround sound to keep them awake. While I personally got a kick out of the grindhouse experience, I can certainly understand why people weren't willing to spend that much time in a theatre watching grainy-assed movies and crappy sound and crappy visual effects. All that would have been ok if the plots were better, but they weren't.

There is a reason they don't do the grindhouse anymore ya know... movies now are of a better quality (even the really crappy ones) than they were in that period.

I hope that puts things in a bit of perspective. I think in the case of some of these films, either you had a pre-determiend opinion of how they'd turn out and you looked really hard for points to prove it after the fact, or you are seeing what you want to see. My reason for this conclusion is that you HATE the transformers. Quite frankly I don't think the film is that impactful to have such a negative response. Either you thought it was pretty good, or you thought it kinda sucked. The film is far to middle of the road for anyone to completely hate or completely love it. That is, unless they are seeing something that isn't there.
i got tha runz!
Feb 27th, 2008, 02:37 PM
i went to see grindhouse, lady wit a badass body but fugly face gave me dome.that was the first time i nutted while looking at rose mcgowen's face.please believe
i got tha runz!
Feb 27th, 2008, 02:53 PM
oh,and to howard c,fuck off!u know not what you speak of.proto's a genius.this site iz not for u homey so dont kill it with your "i went to film school to so let me put my what i feel iz real intellect on what i think iz great movies" rhetoric on the rest of us.i hate dumbshits on the net like u."oh,i think i know everything and what i know iz real and everything else iz pretend then".dipshit!smoke my snausage then blow it in yor skanks anus then suck it out with a straw.transgenders suct asssss!
No sir, I don't like it
Feb 27th, 2008, 03:34 PM
Originally Posted by STUD_BEANER_69 View Post
oh,and to howard c,fuck off!u know not what you speak of.proto's a genius.this site iz not for u homey so dont kill it with your "i went to film school to so let me put my what i feel iz real intellect on what i think iz great movies" rhetoric on the rest of us.i hate dumbshits on the net like u."oh,i think i know everything and what i know iz real and everything else iz pretend then".dipshit!smoke my snausage then blow it in yor skanks anus then suck it out with a straw.transgenders suct asssss!
There are some moments in my life where I meet people who make me want to kill myself. This includes, but is not limited to, Juggalos, Furries, and STUD_BEANER_69. If you don't know why I hate you, it's already too late. Thank you for your time, you are a gentleman and a scholar.

vets 4 life
Feb 27th, 2008, 06:49 PM
You've made my point nicely HowardC. You say that the original Transformers series wasn't very good and that the movie took a major part of its plot from that. While you occasionally can get away with it, if you base something off of that which sucks, you end up with that which sucks. While I agree that there should have been humans in the movie to save, I think that their roles were over-inflated. They could have thrown out every scene between Blackout's attack and the first time Barricade goes after Sam and not have lost an incredible amount of plot information. They then could have used that time saved to develop a few of the robotic characters past the "Autobots are good because they cherish life and Decepticons are bad because they're power-hungry" stages. The humans in the animated series were nothing more than morality translators for what was going on between the giant sentient robots.

I must give you credit though for being better at watching summer blockbusters than I am. I agree that,even as is about the overly human-centric story, the movie had all the makings of an enjoyable summer blockbuster. I freely admit that I could not ever get the bother out of my head after I heard that Bumblebee was going to be a Camaro for no other reason than because General Motors paid a shitload of money to make it happen. Surely I'm not the only one who is tired of companies blatanly shoving advertisements at us at every turn. It's not a concept as high as "oh this stuff is ruining the high-art of a summer blockbuster" but for fuck's sake they're not even trying to hide it anymore and that's insulting.

You have made a great point that the Go-Bots sucking was thanks in large part to the fact that there were no humans. I remember specifically as a very small child being confused as to which were the good guys and which were the bad guys. With no humans to protect or no other obvious markings to denote factions, I had to rely on which ones were using the meanest voices to figure it out.
Forum Virgin
Feb 27th, 2008, 07:10 PM
'daddy would you like some sausage
daddy would you like some sau-sa-ges'- executioneer

"You see?! The END IS NEAR!"



'There are some moments in my life where I meet people who make me want to kill myself...If you don't know why I hate you, it's already too late...'

"You're not alone D.K you are not alone."
Feb 28th, 2008, 02:36 PM
You're so right about Grindhouse. I was couldn't believe so many people passed up the opportunity to see zombie explosions and hilariously engaging dialogue in two movies...FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!!!! The only reason I couldn't see it myself is because I'm 15 and my mom refused to see it with me so I couldn't get in. I would give a homeless person's shopping cart of treasure to have a decent fake ID right now.
Not Another Whipping Boy
Mar 2nd, 2008, 02:55 AM
The fact that you actually saw Hot Rod without having to be forcibly strapped to a bed first, as I was, makes me question your taste in movies.
Mar 2nd, 2008, 03:00 AM
i've heard LOADS of people saying hot rod is the shit, thank goodness i don't have to pay to find out due to internet crime
Forum Virgin
Mar 7th, 2008, 05:39 PM
Grindhouse....ugh. I didn't see the second film, but Death Proof was so PAINFULLY boring I damn near fell asleep. Honestly, if I wanted to listen to 75 minutes of pointless gossip dribbling from the faces of a bunch of stupid, uninteresting broads, I'd go hang out at the freaking nail salon or hair cutting place.
Spiteful Jerk
Mar 7th, 2008, 06:45 PM
Originally Posted by Bune View Post
Grindhouse....ugh. I didn't see the second film, but Death Proof was so PAINFULLY boring I damn near fell asleep. Honestly, if I wanted to listen to 75 minutes of pointless gossip dribbling from the faces of a bunch of stupid, uninteresting broads, I'd go hang out at the freaking nail salon or hair cutting place.
ohmygod you have no taste.
Forum Virgin
Apr 8th, 2008, 02:26 AM
I agree nearly completely with this list. As far as Grindhouse goes, I had the desire to see it, but for various reasons cant stay that long in a theater. It's a shame too, I'm sure its a whole lot better there than in any other format. Woulda liked to see the fake previews too.
sailin the seas o cheese
Jul 6th, 2008, 07:48 PM
as i am under age i have oney seen them in the bunnifyd formate so i enjoyed all of them

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