Shorts

Protoclown's 2009 Movie Awards
by: Protoclown

Another Oscars presentation has come and gone, and unsurprisingly, nobody really cares. And though I can't be bothered to watch all of the celebrities jerking each other off over how good a job they did, I do love movies, and always feel that certain ones deserve recognition for being particularly good or laughably pathetic. And there's always plenty of pathetic.

Unfortunately, compared to 2008, this last year was a bit lackluster in terms of movie quality so I don't have quite as much to work with as last time, at least not for the good categories. Still, I braved watching these movies through rain, sleet, and snow (there's no roof on our local theater--you'd really think they'd get that fixed) just so I could provide you with this commentary on them. So now it's time to get to the only awards that do matter, the Protoclown Movie Awards for 2009!

Here are this year's categories:

Worst Raping of a Classic Franchise

The nominees are:

Friday the 13th
Terminator Salvation
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
G.I.JOE: The Rise of Cobra
Halloween II
Astro Boy

And the winner is:


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Much as I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, I cannot in good conscience vote for any of the others when this movie is out there continuing to rape the mangled, tutu-wearing corpse of Optimus Prime. There was never the slightest sliver of hope for this movie (so it had no power to disappoint, it could only offend), and the only reason I watched it was due to sheer morbid curiosity (I wanted to see if the depths to which a movie could sink were deeper than I imagined). I've already trashed it about as much as anyone can in my in-depth review, but the fact is that this movie sucks more than all the others on the above list combined, and that's after they've finished four years of Whore School.

Best Comic Book Film, I Guess

The nominees are:

Watchmen
X-Men Origins: Wolverine

And the winner is:


Watchmen

In a time when comic book movies are more popular than ever, there wasn't a lot to offer in 2009, and neither one of these exactly set the world on fire. I enjoyed Watchmen, but I honestly can't recommend it to someone who hasn't read the book, as so many important details explaining certain characters' motivations were truncated or left out altogether for time. Still, when its only competition is the lackluster Wolverine origin story, it squeaks out a victory, and the opening credits sequence, which was the only part of the movie where director Zack Snyder showed any imagination (rather than slavishly following the comic) is worth the price of admission alone.

Most Horrific Abomination Committed to Film

The nominees are:

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience
Hannah Montana: The Movie
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel

And the winner is:


The Twilight Saga: New Moon

These are all terrible movies that I would rather rip my lips off and eat than sit down to watch, but I have to give this one to New Moon for one very simple reason. I know that there are at least two or three more of these goddamned Twilight movies in the works. Do any of those others really have that kind of threat power? Hell, the Alvin and the Chipmunks one is already a sequel--do we really think that there's a trilogy brewing there? Unlikely. And if there is it will probably be straight-to-video. And the "music" (haha, I know!) related ones will soon be swept under the rug and forgotten. But I'm going to have to see that fucking Robert Pattinson's gothed-up sparkleface all over various merchandise tie-ins like Burger King cups and pizza boxes for the next several years, and this displeases me.

Least Anticipated Movie, And How!

The nominees are:

Fast and Furious
Saw VI
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
Angels and Demons
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chung-Li

And the winner is:


Angels and Demons

I have a hard time believing that anybody out there actually cared about any of these movies, so it's kind of difficult to select which one I was least interested in, but after enduring the inane pile of shit that was The Da Vinci Code, I'd sooner eat a copy of the book than endure the movie version of Angels and Demons and watch Tom Hanks and his bad hair running around solving puzzles that are far less challenging and interesting than anything Professor Layton can conjure up on my Nintendo DS.

Best Animated Film

The nominees are:

Up
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Avatar
9

And the winner is:


Fantastic Mr. Fox

Okay, so there are two tracks I could have taken here...yes, I enjoyed Avatar more than all of these, but since my including it on this list was a joke I'm actually going to go with a proper animated movie, Fantastic Mr. Fox. It was actually quite a charming movie, and I have to give them serious credit for the fact that they used stop-motion instead of computer animation. It gave the whole movie a classic, warm, slightly wobbly look and feel that the other movies on this list (save Coraline) were just lacking. And the characters' voices were perfectly cast.

Best Film Featuring Liam Neeson
Being a Total Badass

The nominees are:

Taken
Five Minutes of Heaven

And the winner is:


Taken

Okay, technically Taken came out in limited release in late-2008, but I'm ignoring that fact because if I didn't, we wouldn't have much of a category here, would we? This was a highly enjoyable film, and even though the action was rather far-fetched at times, there was something endlessly fun about seeing Liam Neeson running around kicking ass and surviving things he had no business surviving (as well as somehow convincing multiple people that he was French law-enforcement without even really trying). I'll watch Liam Neeson on just about anything (including the shitter), so it's no surprise that I found this film highly enjoyable.

Stupidest Title

The nominees are:

Hotel For Dogs
C Me Dance
Let Them Chirp a While
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

And the winner is:


Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

I'll admit that I've not seen any of these movies, but that hardly matters, as this category simply judges the titles, not the films themselves. Even the awful titles were a bit disappointingly weak this year, but I'm going to have to give it to Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. What the fuck is that? Seriously, what does that even mean? No, don't tell me. I don't even want to know. Now if this movie had been a gay porn, that would be an excellent title. Amazing even. I'd be giving it mad props instead of giving it an award for sucking (also an award category for gay porn, coincidentally). But as it is, it strikes me as desperately trying to get my attention, and I don't like that.

Biggest Disappointment

The nominees are:

Paranormal Activity
Fanboys

And the winner is:


Paranormal Activity

I'd heard a lot of great things about both of these movies, but Paranormal Activity was extremely disappointing. After being aware of its low budget indie roots and hearing talk of how it shuns horror cliches, I was really let down to discover that a) it's not scary and b) it resorts to using one of my most hated horror cliches of all for a silly cheap "scare" at the end that was more laughable and ridiculous than frightening. Hell, I've had scarier nighttime experiences involving my college roommate farting through the night after eating bad turkey.

Most Depressing

The nominees are:

Up
The Road
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

And the winner is:


Up

Surprisingly, I'm giving this one to Up for its soul-shatteringly depressing opening sequence. I went to see the film in the theater with three friends and expected it to be a light, fun animated film. So I was totally caught off guard by the opening sequence showing the main character's background as he meets his future wife, falls in love, and later loses her. There was more emotion packed into that ten minute sequence than in most of the other movies I saw all year. I looked over at my friends and we were all nearly in tears over how sad this shit was. When four (arguably) grown men are nearly brought to tears over a fucking cartoon, that's some seriously sad shit right there.

Best Movie That No One Saw

The nominees are:

Moon
The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

And the winner is:


Moon

Holy shit, both of these films were awesome, and neither of them lasted in the theaters nearly as long as they deserved. It's a close call, but in the end I'm giving it to Moon, because a film with a cast of basically one has no business being as interesting or captivating as this one was, but it was a searingly brilliant, thought-provoking story. And how often (outside of an Evil Dead movie) do you get to see an actor kick his own ass? Also, it was directed by David Bowie's son, so cool points for that. If you haven't seen this one yet, rent it immediately.

Best Villain

The nominees are:

Hans Landa, Inglourious Basterds
The Jonas Brothers, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience
That Freaky Gypsy Woman, Drag Me To Hell
Michael Bay, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

And the winner is:


Hans Landa

Cristoph Waltz did a downright amazing job portraying Hans Landa, aka "the Jew Hunter" in Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds. Just watching that tense opening scene which is basically nothing more than a ten minute long conversation tells you that this guy's got truly sinister depths. But he's not simply some one-note cardboard cutout villain either--he's got a hidden complexity to his character that comes out in the film's final act, when he does something I never would have predicted. And it's because of that most of all that he's a realistic character--he's not evil simply for the sake of being evil, or anything ridiculous like that which you might see in a cartoon villain. He's quite believable.

The What The Fuck Is He Doing Award

The nominees are:

James Marsters, Dragonball: Evolution
Dwayne Johnson, Race to Witch Mountain
John Turturro, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

And the winner is:


Dwayne Johnson

This award goes to an otherwise talented actor who is for some reason "slumming it" in movies that are well beneath them. I have tremendously enjoyed seeing Dwayne Johnson in various action movies, especially ones with some humor to them like The Rundown or Get Smart. The man is charismatic, badass, and he's got a remarkable gift for comedic timing. He should have no problem finding plenty of roles that are well-suited to his talents. But I'm seeing a disturbing trend here where The Rock is starting to show up in god-awful family films, and this strikes me as a tremendous waste of talent. Ahnuld dipped into the family-friendly Disneyfied crap too from time to time, and needless to say, they are not among his most memorable films. Dwayne Johnson should stick to what he's good at and avoid like a plague the shit like The Tooth Fairy that he's appeared in this year, no matter what his agent says.

And this concludes my movie awards for 2009. Agree? Disagree? Want to suggest a new category for next year? Post a comment below and let me know!

Questions or Comments about this piece?
Protoclown

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Protoclown's 2008 Movie Awards
Protoclown's 2008 Movie Awards

Reader Comments

after enough bourbon ...
Mar 10th, 2010, 11:39 PM
I actually saw "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel" and I did not gouge my eyes out with my thumbs, although it was a close call. Even so, I agree - any movie with the word "Twilight" in its title is by far and away the clear winner in the "most horrific abomination" category.
Sympathizes with the foo'
Mar 11th, 2010, 04:40 AM
Um, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is based on a kid's book, and it's about food that falls from the sky. The movie itself uses the same kind of rapid-fire joke delivery as, well, every other Dreamworks animated flick, and it has Bruce Campbell and Mr. T on the VO cast.
grants but one wish
Mar 11th, 2010, 07:47 AM
In new moon's defence. (and dear god I never thought those words would pass my lips.) I would have to say it could easily take out funniest film of all time. Yes this means I saw the abomination, but I can happily report that most of the rest of the cinema enjoyed the running commentary provided by myself and my friends.
grants but one wish
Mar 11th, 2010, 07:49 AM
As a side note, the nastiest shock I ever recieved in my life was when I woke up one morning to see the edward cullen cardboard cut-out my friends had bought from the local cinema standing at the end of my bed.
Clap if you love Dynamo
Mar 11th, 2010, 10:08 AM
You are right about Up. Although I really liked the movie, and the emotion of the opening sequence plays heavily into why I like it, I have to admit it is heart wrenching.
LOVES the tubal ligation!
Mar 11th, 2010, 12:40 PM
Hans Landa should have won everything JUST FUCKING BECAUSE.
The Magnificent Bastard
Mar 11th, 2010, 05:10 PM
Agree with everything, except "best animated film". I thought Coraline was freaking amazing!

Also, my pick for "best movie that nobody saw" is the live action version of Blood: The Last Vampire.
Ranting Swede
Mar 11th, 2010, 08:54 PM
I have to agree with greenimp. New Moon was friggin hilarious. especially when you go with a group of friends and riff on it the entire time.
Cant wait for the last film.
Sympathizes with the foo'
Mar 12th, 2010, 01:33 AM
Screw that. I can't wait for the Rifftrax for New Moon! The one they did for the first movie was an absolute riot.
pickled
Mar 12th, 2010, 01:57 AM
Man, I loved the G.I. Joe movie.
Member
Mar 12th, 2010, 01:58 AM
Great list as usual. Only bad thing was Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. Unless you're super young or super old, how have you not heard of that. And Coraline freaking rules.

Also, my pick for "best movie that nobody saw" is the live action version of Blood: The Last Vampire.

uggggggghhhhh
The Magnificent Bastard
Mar 12th, 2010, 04:23 AM
Well, the origin story for Saya was a little clich (especially compared to her origin in Blood+), and the fights were a little Matrix-y, (which would be fine except the original anime kept the fights realistic and avoided the usual "anime fight scenes" that inspired matrix-style fights), but other than that, I thought it was pretty good.

It's a decent expansion of the original anime short-film, and translates well to live-action.

It's not as good as the original, and I still think the best version of the character is Blood+, but IMO it was damned entertaining.

And, I never heard of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs before the movie ads, either. I heard something about it being a book, though.
Member
Mar 12th, 2010, 09:45 PM
Up was truly depressing.
Riot Control
Mar 13th, 2010, 07:36 PM
I didn't see any of these movies. Actually, I only went to the cinema once this year. The movie? Defiance.
Forum Virgin
Mar 13th, 2010, 10:00 PM
Well, a third Alvin and The Chipmuinks Movie has been announced and it's going to be in 3-D(I think it's the Thursday post on that link).

Also, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was fantastic, and I've never, EVER consider the Rock a talented actor. Ever.
Member
Mar 13th, 2010, 10:22 PM
Protoclown is a scab on the ass of an otherwise great website. Middle of the road dullard.
Jason's a Furry! Run!
Mar 14th, 2010, 05:53 AM
Lotta good stuff in this article. Thank you for the bit on Moon, that was a fantastic movie that needs more love (I don't quite like Dr. Parnassus as much, but it's still good). I was one of the folks who loved Watchmen, but I can understand where you're coming from in regards to it (I wouldn't recommend it to folks who hadn't read the book either). And kudos to loving Fantastic Mr. Fox, that was my favorite animated movie of the year as well.

Also, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is based on an old kids book of the same name, and is quite good. Give it a chance. Ditto Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, for the reason of having an absolutely insane Nicholas Cage in it.

Now then... no mention of District 9? No award for it? For shame.
The Goddamned Batman
Mar 14th, 2010, 01:19 PM
Aw, testtube! You say the sweetest things!

And guys, I'm sure Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs might be well worth viewing--it's simply the title that I think is stupid, and that's what I gave it the award for.

As for District 9, it was enjoyable, but I just never thought of an award to give to it.
Forum Virgin
Mar 15th, 2010, 12:37 AM
How about best underrated actor award for Sam Rockwell for both Moon and Gentlemen Broncos.

Oh, and I totally wish Liam Neeson was my daddy.
Sympathizes with the foo'
Mar 16th, 2010, 03:22 AM
We're just filling you in since you'd never heard of it, Proto. And for District 9, you can always invent an award for "Best movie with a nine in the title," because there was definitely more than one of those last year.

Oh, and neoboman: Some of us have these things called "younger siblings." They're very much like those small, high-voiced people you often see out and about, except they're related to us. That's how we know what children's books are. They also let us know that LEGO exists.
With More Yes Than Ever
Mar 16th, 2010, 04:33 PM
Wow, why the Protoclown hatred?
Is a RoboCop.
Mar 17th, 2010, 07:48 PM
Because he thinks the rock is a good actor. An outrage, I say!
It's a jelly.
Mar 18th, 2010, 03:03 AM
Moon was an awesome movie! Good call on that one!
What Video Games?
Mar 18th, 2010, 12:23 PM
More good reasons why I hardly go to the movies anymore...
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Mar 27th, 2010, 03:12 AM
Proto, I've gotta say I'm a little disappointed, but only because you called the Rock a talented actor. I'll agree that he's improved a bit since The Scorpion King, but that's not saying much. Other than that, it's a good list, although I think Michael Bay was a better villian (since he wasn't acting; he really is EVIL). I do agree with you about Moon, though, it was pretty damn good.

Oh, yeah, and testtube? Did you notice how I gave my opinion without throwing out any personal insults? You should try that sometime. Oh, and you're an asshole. Yay, hypocrisy!!!
Forum Virgin
Mar 27th, 2010, 11:50 AM
In Protoclown's defence, the Rock actually is a good actor.
Smooth Operator
Apr 16th, 2010, 06:17 AM
I just saw Moon, and I wanted to say thanks for the heads up. I don't know how I missed any mention of this movie before I read your article, but well worth the 90 min. run time.
Horror-mad Englishwoman
Jun 17th, 2010, 11:00 AM
I have to point out that the cinema release of Paranormal Activity was fucked about with by once-talented-but-now-pathetic Stephen Spielberg; it was HE who put the crappy ending on. I have the DVD and you get both versions of the film; I watched the original (billed as "alternative" version, and the end makes much more sense, is much scarier and reveals the 'foreshadowing' at the beginning of the film.
Spielberg and Lucas and all those other talentless millionaires should just leave well alone the fucktards!
The Goddamned Batman
Jun 20th, 2010, 12:23 PM
That doesn't surprise me at all to hear that the horrible ending was Spielberg's fault. I wrote a review of the film shortly after watching it (I'm saving it until the Halloween season to post here), and if memory serves I think I may have theorized that the theater ending was a Spielberg idea.
Forum Virgin
Oct 18th, 2010, 11:00 PM
moon > parnassus? yeh right

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