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Max Burbank Helps You Form An Opinion About
The Current American Idol Top Eleven

by: Max Burbank
3/23/06

 

If you're like me, you're a confused middle-aged mildly chemically unbalanced dad completely swept up in the drama of American Idol, unable to think of almost anything beyond the merits of the top ten contestants. If your company had any idea the hours you waste trying to rank the finalists, you'd be fired, but then you're almost certainly doomed anyway the next time they do a porn sweep of everybody's hard drive, so what the hell? Is the confusion frustrating the hell out of you? Is it hard to keep the shrieks of rage and delight from escaping your lips as you weigh which of these delightful young prospects is most worthy and how their worthiness stacks up against the worthiness of their peers? Well, hang on. I'm here to help. It's still your call; I think I can organize your thoughts.


Mandisa
Age: 29
Hometown: Antioch TN.
Pros: Quite obviously the most talented of the lot and everybody knew that weeks ago.
Cons: Very fat and America hates fatty fat fats. She could be so talented Jesus stepped out of her mouth every time she sang and we would never vote for her because fat people are repulsive. It would be wrong to hate her because she is black, but the deep, skin crawling revulsion we feel we confronted with the atrocity of her chunkiness is righteous because God hates fat people. For being fat.


Paris Bennet
Age: 17
Hometown: Fayetteville, GA
Pros: Incredibly gifted woman child blessed with a soul and voice far beyond her years.
Cons: Spunky.


Lisa Tucker
Age: 16
Hometown: Anaheim, CA
Pros: Pretty much the same as Paris, but not from Fayetteville Georgia, garden spot of Cretinism, bestiality, and a fervent Christian belief that being bitten in the face by a poisonous snakes is somehow a good idea.
Cons: Despite being a year younger than Paris, she seems less naive and would be harder to get into bed by pretending to be a record producer.


Elliot Yamin
Age: 27
Hometown: Richmond, VA
Pros: Skilled Vocal Technician. Impressive range.
Cons: Nondescript, pointy eared, human elevator music producing, chin bearded nebbish. Plus, he openly wept like a panic stricken girl scout when he met Stevie Wonder, who couldn't see, so the craven emotional display was pretty much pointless career wise.


Katherine Macphee
Age: 21
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Pros: Highly trained professional voice, cute as a damn button.
Cons: What do you think my chances are with her? Just about zero? Huhn. That's pretty much what I thought too, but it's nice to know we're on the same page.


Bucky Covington
Age: 28
Hometown: Rockingham, NC
Pros: Gritty, authentic country boy.
Cons: Unfamiliar with most basic hygiene. Reputed to have once 'et' a 'critter'.


Chris Daughtry
Age: 26
Hometown: McLeansville, NC
Pros: The only rocker on the show. Could easily be a professional now. Does not need the show.
Cons: Could easily turn into a bald serious fuck like Michael Stype. Also, what, is the south the only fucking region of this country? Come on! There's a reason the south lost the civil war and it's because every last one of them was drunk, or screwing a family member or their car was up on blocks.


Ace young
Age: 25
Hometown: Denver, CO
Pros: I am not the least bit gay and I would totally fuck him.
Cons: A fan of the 'beanie', signature chapeau of Douche bags.


Taylor Hicks
Age: 29
Hometown: Birmingham, AL
Pros: Hands down most unique performer, from his silver hair to his teddy bear physique, no one loves the music more and his joy is infectious. When Simon tears into him, he just laughs.
Cons: Will probably die of whatever seizure disorder he obviously suffers from before the end of the competition. Also? Birmingham? Jesus wept, people, can't we like anybody who comes from part of the country that doesn't think 'America's finest Hour' is when 'The Dukes of Hazard' is on TV Land?


Kellie Pickler
Age: 19
Hometown: Albemarle, NC
Pros: Sweet, sincere, sexy, growly voiced Minx when performing, transforms instantly into Innocent Sunday School Picnic Ellie Mae the moment she stops. Also, strand of hair over one eye is very hot.
Cons: AlbermArle? ALBERMARLE? ! Is that even a real place?! Wasn't that the first name of the one eyed, toothless, pipe smoking, shotgun granny from 'Li'l Abner'? HOLY CHRISTITTY CRAP AMERICA! THE DEEP SOUTH IS THE COCCYX OF THE NATION! WAKE UP! THOSE PEOPLE THINK A ROADKILL POSSUM IS THANKSGIVING DINNER!


Kevin Covais
Age: 16
Hometown: Levittown, NY
Pros: Not from the South.
Cons: If you subtracted voting blocks consisting of grannies, girls under eleven and sodomites, Kevin would have no votes. None. Sure he sings good for a kid, so give him the lead in his high school production of Pippin and have done with it. Every time you keep him on the show only means the inevitable downhill roller coaster ride to normality, depression, drug addiction and suicide set to begin the instant puberty robs him of his voice and vestigial cuteness will be that much steeper. Is that fair?

By the time you read this, one of the poor bastards will be cut, publicly humiliated on live television before and audience of millions. Here's hoping its Bucky. At least watching Kevin find out he stayed on the show another week is funny as hell. Bucky hasn't even got that. Or all of his own teeth.
 


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