you're like me, you're a confused middle-aged mildly chemically
unbalanced dad completely swept up in the drama of American Idol,
unable to think of almost anything beyond the merits of the top ten
contestants. If your company had any idea the hours you waste trying
to rank the finalists, you'd be fired, but then you're almost
certainly doomed anyway the next time they do a porn sweep of
everybody's hard drive, so what the hell? Is the confusion frustrating
the hell out of you? Is it hard to keep the shrieks of rage and
delight from escaping your lips as you weigh which of these delightful
young prospects is most worthy and how their worthiness stacks up
against the worthiness of their peers? Well, hang on. I'm here to
help. It's still your call; I think I can organize your thoughts.
Hometown: Antioch TN.
Pros: Quite obviously the most talented of the lot and
everybody knew that weeks ago.
Cons: Very fat and America hates fatty fat fats. She could be
so talented Jesus stepped out of her mouth every time she sang and we
would never vote for her because fat people are repulsive. It would be
wrong to hate her because she is black, but the deep, skin crawling
revulsion we feel we confronted with the atrocity of her chunkiness is
righteous because God hates fat people. For being fat.
Hometown: Fayetteville, GA
Pros: Incredibly gifted woman child blessed with a soul and
voice far beyond her years.
Hometown: Anaheim, CA
Pros: Pretty much the same as Paris, but not from Fayetteville
Georgia, garden spot of Cretinism, bestiality, and a fervent Christian
belief that being bitten in the face by a poisonous snakes is somehow
a good idea.
Cons: Despite being a year younger than Paris, she seems less
naive and would be harder to get into bed by pretending to be a record
Hometown: Richmond, VA
Pros: Skilled Vocal Technician. Impressive range.
Cons: Nondescript, pointy eared, human elevator music
producing, chin bearded nebbish. Plus, he openly wept like a panic
stricken girl scout when he met Stevie Wonder, who couldn't see, so
the craven emotional display was pretty much pointless career wise.
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Pros: Highly trained professional voice, cute as a damn button.
Cons: What do you think my chances are with her? Just about
zero? Huhn. That's pretty much what I thought too, but it's nice to
know we're on the same page.
Hometown: Rockingham, NC
Pros: Gritty, authentic country boy.
Cons: Unfamiliar with most basic hygiene. Reputed to have once
'et' a 'critter'.
Hometown: McLeansville, NC
Pros: The only rocker on the show. Could easily be a
professional now. Does not need the show.
Cons: Could easily turn into a bald serious fuck like Michael
Stype. Also, what, is the south the only fucking region of this
country? Come on! There's a reason the south lost the civil war and
it's because every last one of them was drunk, or screwing a family
member or their car was up on blocks.
Hometown: Denver, CO
Pros: I am not the least bit gay and I would totally fuck him.
Cons: A fan of the 'beanie', signature chapeau of Douche bags.
Hometown: Birmingham, AL
Pros: Hands down most unique performer, from his silver hair to
his teddy bear physique, no one loves the music more and his joy is
infectious. When Simon tears into him, he just laughs.
Cons: Will probably die of whatever seizure disorder he
obviously suffers from before the end of the competition. Also?
Birmingham? Jesus wept, people, can't we like anybody who comes from
part of the country that doesn't think 'America's finest Hour' is when
'The Dukes of Hazard' is on TV Land?
Hometown: Albemarle, NC
Pros: Sweet, sincere, sexy, growly voiced Minx when performing,
transforms instantly into Innocent Sunday School Picnic Ellie Mae the
moment she stops. Also, strand of hair over one eye is very hot.
Cons: AlbermArle? ALBERMARLE? ! Is that even a real place?!
Wasn't that the first name of the one eyed, toothless, pipe smoking,
shotgun granny from 'Li'l Abner'? HOLY CHRISTITTY CRAP AMERICA! THE
DEEP SOUTH IS THE COCCYX OF THE NATION! WAKE UP! THOSE PEOPLE THINK A
ROADKILL POSSUM IS THANKSGIVING DINNER!
Hometown: Levittown, NY
Pros: Not from the South.
Cons: If you subtracted voting blocks consisting of grannies,
girls under eleven and sodomites, Kevin would have no votes. None.
Sure he sings good for a kid, so give him the lead in his high school
production of Pippin and have done with it. Every time you keep him on
the show only means the inevitable downhill roller coaster ride to
normality, depression, drug addiction and suicide set to begin the
instant puberty robs him of his voice and vestigial cuteness will be
that much steeper. Is that fair?
By the time you read this, one of the poor bastards will be cut,
publicly humiliated on live television before and audience of
millions. Here's hoping its Bucky. At least watching Kevin find out he
stayed on the show another week is funny as hell. Bucky hasn't even
got that. Or all of his own teeth.