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Baseball Stars: Be a F#@KIN' CHAMP!
by: McClain

WARNING!Are you numb to the complexities of modern-day baseball games? Too many actions and too many buttons? If you said yes, try playing Baseball Stars for the O.G. NES. There's not a tiny shred of doubt in my mind when I say that it is the best sports game ever created. Unfortunately I wasn't introduced to this game until 1996, seven years after its release. There are few sports games that commanded hours and hours of nonstop play for me and this game was one of them. Tecmo Bowl and Blades of Steel are the others. Baseball Stars has just enough facets, including exhibition play, leagues and create a team options.


Let's get the party started! Baseball Stars begins with an inviting menu. "Be a champ!" the game tells you. Yeah, right. Like I have a choice! *SMUG ICON* Truth be told, I may be a champ at this game, but in the game of life I have turned in to an irritable dick from playing Baseball Stars for 26 hours straight. My NES started sweating and my thumbs looked like ham hocks.


First things first. Before I even start a new game I gotta' hire a pitcher. I need a lefty sidearm with a great batting average and unlimited potential, and I only have $5k to spend. Is that too much to ask? HUH? So I hire some kid in a diaper and at the press meeting he says, "I'll do my best for the team." DAMN RIGHT ROOK! OR YOUR ASS IS RIDING THE PINE BACK DOWN TO THE MINORS! I was half way tempted to hit him with a baseball bat in front of camera. Not an option.

Now I get to adjust the attributes of my new player. Hmmm... He throws left and bats right? This is one confused rookie! I named him "FISTY" because I found him lying face-down in a Tiajuana gutter with a condom hanging out of his ass. No, it doesn't make sense.

Enough of the jerking around, let's play some baseball already! Here's the gratuitous scoreboard shot. I swear to god SNK puts it up there for like, 2 minutes, all the while playing that cheesy midi music. "PLAY BALL," the game instructs you. Yeah, right. Like I have a choice! *SMUG ICON* Wait... no.

You can't stop the Fisty Heater!

The great thing about this game is that you can play against chicks. SNK wasn't toying around with that sexist shit, you know what I'm sayin'! But let's be honest here; ain't no ladies gonna' get a hit off the "Fisty Heater!" I was striking them out left and right. Uno... Dos... Tres. Now it's my turn at bat. I'm finsta' gank these skanks.


ON THE VERY FIRST PITCH, THAT BITCH BEANED MY LEAD-OFF BATTER! Look at him laying there all limp and helpless... He looks like fresh road kill! HE DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING! SHE PITCHED OVERHAND - NOT FAIR! WHAT IS THIS SPITEFUL SHITE!? Okay, okay... It's all good. Remain calm. DO NOT RUSH THE MOUND! I can't afford to get ejected. Hitting a woman is wrong, especially when it's with a baseball bat. Plus I don't think it's an option. (Try playing Baseball Stars 2 for mound-rushing action!)


Eight innings later my lineup finally recovered from the 1st inning mishap and knocked one out of the park for the 1-0 win over the Lovely Ladies (more like Cheating Whores). And when I say Cheating Whores I say it not because I'm trying to act macho, I'm just calling it like I see it. Their team logo says it all!

I think the L stands for Lascivious!!!

I LOVE this game! I've been playing it for almost 10 years now and the novelty never wears. Find out for yourself, tenderfoot!




(note: you'll need to download an emulator
such as Nester in order to play it)


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