When it comes to bubblegum, we've all got our preferences. For some,
it's packs of tiny size Chiclets or comic-wrapped pieces of Bazooka.
For others it's yards o' Bubble-Tape. For me, however, it really
doesn't get much better than good ol' Big League Chew. It doesn't
limit you like most gum does where you have to unwrap piece by
unsatisfying piece. Nope, with Big League Chew you can STUFF YOUR
FACE. In fact, that should have been their slogan. Sure, that
"you're in the big league" song was great 'n all, but imagine a song
where all they kept repeating the phrase "STUFF YOUR FACE!"
Here, I'll write the lyrics, and one of you can record a song:
BOTTOM
O' THE 9TH
GOTTA MAKE IT TO HOME BASE
ONLY WAY TO GET THERE IS TO STUFF YOUR FACE!
HEADIN'
FOR THE END ZONE
GOTTA MAKE IT THERE WITH GRACE
ONLY WAY TO SHOW IT IS TO STUFF YOUR FACE!
RUNNIN'
ROUND THAT TRACK
GOTTA WIN THIS RACE
ONLY WAY TO DO IT IS TO STUFF YOUR FACE!
TEARIN'
THROUGH THAT MARATHON
GOTTA FINISH IN FIRST PLACE
ONLY WAY TO SPANK IT IS TO STUFF YOUR FACE!
STUFF
YOUR FACE!
STUFF YOUR FACE!
YEAH YOU HEARD ME!
YOU UGLY SONOFABITCH!
STUFF IT! STUFF IT GOOD!
STUFF IT UP!
STUFF IT DOWN!
STUFF YOUR FACE!
That
right there is poetry my friends. I expect the song on my desk by
morning. Now back to Big League Chew. It was an amazing idea...
getting kids to stuff their faces with as much gum as they desired
while at the same time being subconsciously programmed to eat chewing
tobacco when they got older. But let's take a look at just how they
sucked a helpless kid into their world of tasty pseudo-tobacco.
Believe it or not, I was able to score an unopened pack of Big League
Chew... FROM 1981!!!
Feast
your eyes on that beauty. FEAST! This is what growing up in the
80's was all about. I can't think of another decade in which one of
the most popular candy products was a package of gum with a homeless
maniac on it. I mean look at the guy for crissakes. That's no ordinary
baseball player my friends... that's a dirty homeless guy who just
happened to find a nice lookin' hat. Furthermore, that is without a
doubt the most unintentionally phallic cartoon nose in the history
of man. Oh but there's more...
That's
right, we're not talking about regular size wads of gum here people...
we're talking about MAN SIZE WADS! Even if you absolutely
despise bubblegum, you'd be a fool not to support a company with the
balls to put MAN SIZE WADS on their product packages. Ok, now I
think there should be a bridge in my song in which some
guttural-voiced mofo says "STUFF YOUR FACE WITH MAN SIZE WADS!"
while someone else plays a wicked banjo and/or jaw harp solo. So yeah,
when you record the song with my amazing lyrics, be sure you add that
part in.
The back
of the pouch almost always had some more wicked artwork on it along
with some kind of cool offer. I'd love to get in touch with the artist
who made all the Big League Chew drawings so I could maybe put all of
them on display for you guys to see, but I was unable to find out who
the artist was. Maybe he choked to death on a man size wad and the Big
League Chew people covered it up by practically erasing every trace of
him from this earth.
Now,
plenty of people are surprised upon finding out that they actually
still make Big League Chew. Well, they do still make it, but sadly,
it's gone through some crappy changes to stay hip with the times.
Notice
anything different? Yep, no more crazy penis-nosed homeless maniacs on
the pouch. While that's hard enough to comprehend, I can't imagine how
they could possibly remove one of the greatest slogans of all time.
"Man Size Wads" is no longer part of Big League Chew's claim to fame.
So what do we have on the cover instead? A crappy catch phrase that's
barely noticeable: "A whole lotta gum in every pouch!" Pfft.
Doesn't even begin to compare to Man Size Wads!
And to
insult us even more, they're gradually giving us less gum and hoping
we won't notice. Well I noticed damnit.
1981
Package NET WT. = 2.25 OZ (63g)
2004 Package NET WT. = 2.10 OZ (60g)
There's
your man sized wad of proof right there, pal. The packages aren't even
smaller, they're just giving you less gum. I WANT MY THREE GRAMS
BACK!
The back
of the package isn't any better either. Instead of more cool artwork,
we get the history of Big League Chew. Look, I used to buy Big League
Chew to eat man sized wads while looking at crazy cartoon drawings,
not to read up on the history of the gum and all the ingredients. They
take up a ridiculous amount of space on the back of the pouch for the
Nutrition Facts and ingredients. Yep, that's much better than cool
drawings and a free t-shirt offer. Bastards.
With all
of this in mind, I would like to start a movement. A movement to get
them to change the packagesback to the original 80s style. We
want our crazy penis-nosed homeless guys on the packages! We want our
man size wads on the packages! We want our extra .15 ounces of gum in
the packages!So all of you, take 2 minutes out of your time and
contact Wrigley. Let them know
you won't stand for this huge kick in the nuts to a mighty gum of the
80s!
Moving
right along, it's time to tear open these bad boys and see what
wonders lurk inside. So here we go... bubble gum evil, sealed in a big
league tomb for over 20 years, and now we shall set it free to wreak
havoc upon all mankind!
I have
to say I'm impressed. The gum has held up fairly well considering it's
been over 20 years. And while I didn't unleash some hideous gum
creature upon all mankind, I did unleash an insanely strong smell of
bubblegum upon my apartment. I swear this place is gonna smell like
Big League Chew for the next 3 months. Not that that's a bad thing,
hell, they should probably make Big League Chew air fresheners. Sure
beats the hell outta those pine-scent trees.
And
there you have it... A REAL MAN SIZE WAD! While the color is
still bright pink as ever, the gum is definitely somewhat brittle.
Still, it's been 20 years... you'd think the stuff would snap like
back of Balki Bartokomous in a wrestling match against Hulk Hogan. But
no, the gum is just a little brittle. Is it edible? Hmm, I'll have to
think about that for a bit.
Well
it's good to see that while the packages of Big League Chew have
changed, the gum itself is still the same. But the smell of this newer
package just can't compare to the scent domination of the old 80s
package. The smell had been brewing in that old package for over 20
years. Sorry new gum, you just didn't stand a chance in the smell
category. The inside of the newer package is less shiny too. Damnit,
we all like shiny things. SHINY!
It was a
little difficult getting the gum out of the new package because it was
stuck to the sides in some places. Maybe it wouldn't be like that if
the inside of the package had been shinier. While it doesn't look
nearly as impressive to me as the original 80's bright pink man size
wad of Big League Chew, it does bear a striking resemblance to the old
Volkswagen Bugs.
Mmmmm... Volkswagen
never looked so tasty.
So there
you have it, two generations of Big League Chew, together at long
last. I thought they would get along great, but I guess it's kinda
like when you try to bring a new kitten into the family when you
already have an old cat who's been with you for 10 years. The old cat
really just doesn't like the new cat at all, no matter how friendly it
tries to be. The same is true for Big League Chew.
Yep,
that really happened. I didn't even know bubblegum could bleed, did
you? By the way... you know that 20-year-old man size wad of Big League Chew?
It may bring back a
lot of memories, but I do not recommend eating it.
BIG LEAGUE CHEW SONG SUBMISSIONS! Awesome,
some people have already sent in versions of my "Stuff your Face"
song. If you can record a version of it, I'll post it here for
everyone to enjoy!
BIG LEAGUE CHEW SONG SUBMISSIONS!
